To tell you about my anxiety.

[TheoriginalLEM]

I read something today that made me think i should share my experiences of having an anxiety disorder. I dont want to put this in mental health please.

If i really think about it, i have suffered from anxiety all of my life. I didn't have an especially unhappy childhood and i wasn't a victim of abuse. I remember convincing myself i had HIV and passed it on to DD1. Total rubbish of course, but every time i got sick or my lymph nodes were inflammed i was convinced it was the begining of the end.

Then when i had DD2 it really came to a head, resulting in a breakdown. I spent a good few years in a state of paranoia and it nearly cost me my relationship with DP. I think it has severely damaged my relationship with DD1 as i never allowed myself to get too close because i was convinced either i would die, or she would. I have managed to keep that side of things under control to a degree with DD2. There is a big age gap.

I have had lots of counselling and am on anti-depressants and at the moment i am doing ok. The reason i am writing this is what i read on "time to change" website, i could have written so i want to raise awareness.

So what does my anxiety mean to me now?

It means that I can just feel anxious for no apparent reason, the anxiety can happen and i can feel my brain going through my filing system of thoughts looking for a reason for the feelings. IF i can catch this before i find a reason to justify the elevated heart rate, that pit of the stomach sickness that you get when receiving bad news and rationalise that its just my anxiety i can control it. If there is something i jump onto, like at the moment im waiting for my smear results, unwated thoughts take over and i am playing out a whole scenario in my head of hospital visits, tears and terror. I can, with effort, rationalise my way out of panic.

I have to keep busy, inertia is anxiety's best friend. If i allow my brain to meander it will go down the anxiety road and there will be "voices" telling me how rubbish i am, how everything is going to shit and not to bother doing x y and z beause its not worth it because something bad will happen.

People close to me try to understand, but its hard for them. When i tell my DP i feel bad but can't explain why.

The postman can send me into meltdown, we can't have a landline because i would be terrified of the phone ringing.

If you met me you would never know. I have a job now (only part time and sessional hours) and my colleague commented how calm I am when it is crazy busy and i have to do lots of things at once. The thing is, i thrive on this, because i don't have time to think. Unless I am solving a practical problem, thinking leads to paranoia and depression.

I am constantly exhausted because my brain never shuts the fuck up, ever - sometimes i have to play really loud music to try and stop the unwanted thoughts.

Its not all bad - I am the most dilligent worker you can ever employ because a mistake is not acceptable, it keeps me awake at night, even if its not my fault. If there is a crisis i am the one that deals with it because trust me, im ready, Im like a swan, graceful and serene on the outside, paddling like fuck underneath. Only really my DP and DDs have seen me lose the plot. I get things done, NOW because i can't have things hanging over me, but also i will not start something if im unsure which can hold me back sometimes but it will mean i research the arse off something before i go and do it. It will be done properly or not at all.

I can however freeze at simple tasks, i sometimes have to walk away from the dishwasher because my brain is too full to consider how to load it. Other times i can dismantle the dishwasher and diagnose and fix a fault.

I live in fear of "what if" but usually when it happens, its never as bad as i thought and i deal with whatever life throws at me - so why is it so scary before it actually happens.

If you have read this far, thankyou. Im not looking for sympathy, im OK, i just don't work properly when it comes to anxiety. I just want to make people aware, and maybe tell others that is not just you, lots of us get this - for various reasons and that its ok, you don't have to let it ruin your life. It nearly ruined (actually it nearly ended my life) mine but i wont let it anymore. I will be on medication forever and thats ok, and ive started running and am stunned at how much it really really helps. I always used to make a face at the drs when they suggested exercise.

LEM - thank you for posting. I suffer from extreme and crippling health anxiety, and am currently under CMHT care because of it. People who see me in passing wouldn't have a clue - I can appear very normal. What they don't know is that I am constantly thinking. Thinking thinking thinking, performing body checks (physical if I can, mental if not). It's horrible and only the people closest to me know just how bad it is. I find knowing I'm not alone makes all the difference.

Thanks LEM, I've been putting off going, thinking I can get through this like I've done in the past sometimes, but this time I want ALL THE PILLS .

They've worked for me too in the past so fingers crossed.

to everyone who is feeling like this too.

Great post! I've lived like this for years, no one knows about it. My head is a filing cabinet sorted to perfection but spilling over with information & to do lists!

for everyone

Great post. I started a thread on here a while back, discussing my rising anxiety about smear test results. The wait was awful but the results were fine. I don't know why I put myself through the panic. You are definitely not alone xx

OP I feel exactly like you, I am going to show this to my dh in order to help him understand how I feel too. Thanks for sharing x

It can be hard for partners. My DP is supportive but finds it difficult and is always saying "ooh you look stressed" which of course stresses me out, but i think my anxiety affects him quite deeply and he worries about not only me, but the affects on everyone else when im not feeling well.

LEM, thank you.

You've put my whole life into words.

ThAt was a wonderful post on Anxiety .I suffer tremendously from it ,it totally takes over my life like you say it's the never ending thoughts that give me no respite in my head it's never ending
.I find a lot of people are generally non understanding of it ,they just cannot seem to fanthom why anyone would feel like that .I feel that I have to be very secretive to the fact that I suffer from anxiety (only a very selected few know the real truth) and that too is exhausting .
Some days are worse than others ,some days I feel it zapping my confidence away so much so that I will cancel plans and not even leave my house .
I had a group of Church friends who I never told

I went through a terrible time not so long ago and because my anxiety was particularly high and I kept cancelling on them and making excuses I never told them why ,so I suppose I just came across as weird ,now none of them bother with me
Anyway I'm not trying to take over your thread there come those worrying thoughts I was just so pleased to see a post about it and other people feeling the same .i hope you manage to find some peace from it ,I read a lot of books on mindfulness this can help too

OP thank you for sharing this. Your experience resonates with me so much. It's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this.

OP this is amazing. I identified myself in lots of this (but not so heightened as yours). I really wish anxiety and depression was something schools included in the curriculum. Both to help students identify their own and to understand other people's.
You sound so brave and self aware.

I'm anything but brave, i wish i were, but finally recognising anxiety for what it is has really helped me.

Anxiety is a good thing, it keeps us alive - if there were no anxiety we would all be stepping off of kerbs or falling off cliffs :) Its when it goes off kilter that those bloody hormones and chemicals influence our thoughts, which then become feelings and the stress hormones kick in and off goes the whole bloody cycle again.

Its funny, waiting for my smear results (have had cervical cancer in the past, successfully treated and at the time i was totally unfazed, walk in the park, outpatient treatment, sorted) I am more scared of my reaction to the results letter than the results itself. Of course once that is done with, i'll find something else to worry about

I suffer terribly with anxiety too. It can be exhausting having your mind constantly whizzing, I know I was extremely bad as a child and it got to the point where that constantly sick to my stomach feeling was my default feeling, and if I didn't feel like that then I didn't feel 'right' if that makes sense. It bothers me that I didn't feel able to go to uni etc, there's no way I could put myself in that kind of situation and its a struggle to stop the anxiety becoming as limiting as it wants to be - I went through a phase years ago of not being able to go outside which got worse until I couldn't peg out my own washing. I remember sitting on my back doorstep crying one summer because I so wanted to be able to enjoy the air and the sunshine but I physically couldn't step outside the door.

I still have blips - they've manifested themselves into a driving phobia so I'm constantly trying to improve on that which is mentally tiring - even though I know that once I'm driving and afterwards I'm fine until I start thinking about having to do it again, but it's the anxiety beforehand.

On bad days now where I can't make decisions we tend to have 'simple' dinners because I can't decide what to cook or what would go with what, like I can't make a decision to stick to. I also can't go shopping - food or anything because I just can't deal with the choice, the people etc. thankfully I don't get these days too often now.

I also recommend running and walking as much as possible, it's really helped me. I was starting to get anxious about taking my dog out (!) but I've been doing it early mornings and evenings and through lanes so quieter an I don't feel too much anxiety. Feel really silly writing this down! Dh knows the full extent and he's seen me at my worse but I wouldn't tell anyone else.

Hello people.

waves

This is my world.

Depression is pretty well known now and has lost some of the stigma but I do find that anxiety is still light years behind. Plus it doesn't help that depression is often a symptom of anxiety which can make it more difficult to recognise and therefore deal with.

I found The Chimp Paradox: The Mind Management Program to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence, and Happiness by Steve Peters a good tool for both me and DH to understand the mechanics of anxiety. Its helped DH appreciate more what is going on in my head and me to try and manage it a bit better myself.

The irony is that I've managed to travel the world on my own and often used to go out to see bands on my own, so I don't lack confidence.

It has got worse over the years, but I do find comfort and security in routines and planning for new situations. DH finds this hard as he is much more spontaneous. I'd be lost without him, so I'm trying to do things with him that push my boundaries little by little to gain a bit of confidence without over doing it. He's an outdoors person whilst I'm a book worm, so its a whole new world for me.

Thank you OP. I can identify with a lot of what you wrote.

I am also quite an anxious person and can sometimes have a minor melt-down, (in my head), about something which doesn't merit such a reaction. (Eg Making a bad financial decision, or that the house is going to fall down.)

I usually try to keep it to myself. Using your swan analogy, I think I look quite calm while I am panicking horribly inside, as I try to hide my anxiety because I am ashamed of my lack of self-control.

I usually know I am being ridiculous, but once an anxiety has set in, it's difficult to stop? Like when a small fire starts and suddenly becomes a massive blaze which you can't deal with alone?

So far, I have managed these episodes myself. (I just talk myself & try to rationalise the worry until it subsides.)

I have never really talked to anyone about my tendency to be anxious, and only recently, (in my 50s), have I thought that maybe it's not completely normal! (Though my family & friends would probably say I am a worrier and that I like to keep control of everything.)

So it has been very comforting, (to me), to read/find out that LOTS of other 'fairly normal' ppl have a similar, (mental,) weakness! Makes me feel less like a wuss, because I always feel that I shd just be able to pull myself together and toughen up!

I can usually talk myself out of the anxiety after a few days, but during those few days I do really suffer. (Can't sleep. Can't eat. Can't have fun.) And I know that the very same worry can pop up again later on. So I have to try to knock it on the head each time it tries to worm itself back into my thoughts. (Like keeping out an unwelcome visitor.)

Agree that it's always helpful to do sthing to keep v busy, as otherwise the intrusive thoughts can take over & leave me semi-paralysed, like a rabbit in the headlights! (And then the anxiety only gets worse.)

I tell myself if I had a REAL problem, all these other trivial problems would disappear. So I am just looking for something/anything to worry about, (for worry's sake), and that I shd instead be happy I have so few disasters in my life!

But, as you said, I think we DO make good/dedicated workers, as we can't abide the idea of making any mistakes?! So we are not all bad?

My, (young adult), kids always tell me to just "chill out" more, & I do try. But quite often it's THEM who are the cause of my catastrophic thinking! (I worry that they will fail in life, end up unhealthy/unhappy etc.) So they are a joy and a worry in equal measure!

I reckon that I have certain 'pet' subjects as sources of anxiety. And other areas never bother me. (Eg air travel/illness.) So I guess we each have our areas of sensitivity? (For me I think my anxieties are mostly related to losing money and to the children growing up to be OK.)

Decided to share my experience of anxiety, just in case this reasonates with anyone else, because reading other ppl's situations on here has definitely make me feel better about myself!

Thanks for sharing this. You're so articulate and have put feelings into words that I (and I'm sure others) are struggling to get out! You sound very self aware, that helps in spades when living with an anxiety disorder - not understanding what's going on with ourselves can be extremely frightening, so it helps to 'befriend the enemy' so to speak,and be able to spot when our anxiety is getting worse and also being kind to ourselves and realising that sometimes it may be for no obvious reason at all.

I have depression with fairly moderate anxiety, OCD and specifically health anxiety, and a very deep thinking DS who is also developing OCD and anxiety right before my eyes so I experience it daily, both internally and in a supportive role. More understanding and acceptance is desperately needed - posts like yours are a fantastic start, many thanks.

Fantastic post OP, I identify with so much of what you have put, although you have expressed it far more eloquently than I ever could. I have always had anxiety and hide it quite well under a brisk professional demeanour at work and may seem to be quite confident on the outside although inside I am a seething mass of anxiety, fear and insecurity!

Having kids has made it so much worse and DH is the only one who has seen the real me. I feel sorry for him sometimes as he fell for the confident front me and then I let my guard down and showed him who I
really am. He loves me nonetheless though I do worry bout the long term effect on my kids though nd my relationship with them.

Am on meds and although I keep wanting to stop them as they make me so sleepy it's a nightmare without. My doc says not to worry about stopping as some people just need them to function and I suppose I need to start to see them that way.

Anyway thanks OP for such a great and thought provoking post

It's funny, I'd been scouring mumsnet hoping for a post like this and here it is. Though my anxiety doesn't sound as bad as yours OP, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

My anxiety is at it's worst a work, I think people hate me, that I'm stupid, rubbish, a dead weight that has to be carried by everyone else. It's escalated recently after a stressful year to the point I had to sign myself off this week - I couldn't make a decision, I was dreaming about work all night, it's as though I knew I was going to fail so I had to stop myself from trying (unfortunately I don't seem the have the version that makes me amazing at work ).

Anyhoo. OP (and everyone sharing their stories) I thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me see that I'm not alone in this madness.

Thanks for this post.

My husband suffers from chronic anxiety and it took decades to get him any help that really worked. Talking therapies don't help, and he's never been depressed so antidepressants seem to provide only very limited relief. He ended up abusing alcohol to calm the anxiety (which it doesn't of course - any relief is temporary and the rebound makes the anxiety worse). Eventually after his last hospital stay he found a psychiatrist who "got it" and actually treats the anxiety rather than the imaginary depression he's been treated for over the years. He is working again and in better health generally than he has been for many years.

Long time lurkerwith no children, first time poster but I just wanted to say this resonated with me so much. I'm going through some changes at the moment, new job, moving house; all of which are positive but I'm struggling to be happy or excited about them because I'm so anxious about everything! My DP is wonderful, but he does struggle to understand what I'm feeling. I wrote him this letter which I hope articulates better what is going on in my head;

I know that sometimes I get upset, and start crying over stupid irrational things. I know sometimes I get stupidly nervous that you don’t love me anymore even when there is absolutely no reason what so ever. I also want you to know that this is absolutely not your fault. I love you. I think maybe it means that perhaps I don’t love myself as much as I should and I’m not quite sure how to deal with it.

I know that all my fears and worries about the future can potentially be irrational. I am acutely aware of this, but there is always this part of me that says, what if this time my worries are correct? People always say you should listen to your instincts and I think I sometimes confuse my instincts with the mean part of my brain.

I know I might seem quite pessimistic at times but I am truly grateful for everything in my life, including you. I don’t mean to be so negative and sometimes I find it difficult to be excited about the future because I just think about all the things that could go wrong (even when it is truly exciting!), but sometimes I can’t help it. I am trying though and I do always appreciate you, even though I might not tell you always, especially when I’m having a funny five minutes!

I hate that I have to ask you if my irrational fears are truly real or inside my head, and once I’ve finished being so anxious, I’m able to look back at a situation clearly and then it’s easy for me to see that my fears aren’t real. I’m just sorry both you and I have to go through all the crap before I can get to that point.
Thank you for answering all my fearful questions and texts with reassurance and kindness.

I found that writing about everything helps loads, and also colouring in and running! It's so so lovely to know that other people feel the same way.

Thanks for reading

After a cancer scare a couple of years ago (around the time two people close to me died very unpleasant deaths from cancer) I think I had some sort of breakdown, and have suffered chronic anxiety ever since. With health anxiety being the most tortuous aspect of it.

I can distance myself from it and see how silly it all is, what a waste of time and energy it all is, and yet I can't stop it. It's like the anxiety has me in its grip and I just can't break free. It's had a devastating effect on my life and I'm so sad about all it's taken from me.

I do strongly recommend any of Claire Weekes' books and for something a bit more modern 'At Last A Life' by Paul David (a previous sufferer of extreme anxiety)They both use the same strategy, of essentially giving up the fight against the anxiety/ frightening thoughts, and it is incredibly powerful. I think I need to get re-reading actually, as I've really slipped re all their advice lately.

Thats a lovely letter becca. Your dp is lucky to have you. I can really relate to that. The being unable to get excited about things. It is like daring to be happy or excited will somehow jinx things. The insecurity too.

Anxiety truly is a bastard

Thank you so much for posting this.

I suffer from generalised anxiety and have recently developed a panic disorder so have gone on to Sertraline tablets and beta blockers.

I find that going to bed about 10pm is good for me (gone midnight and I get my second wind of crippling anxiety voices), my head is never quiet, I'm now constantly worrying about whether I'm starting with a panic attack as those buggers are sneaky.

My mum and son don't ask me how I'm doing, I just am, but my DP is a fixer and tells me that I'm ok and don't need to panic, which as we all know doesn't work..............

I'm glad we're not alone in this though.

there are some really powerful posts here. I don't suffer from anxiety or depression, and never have. But after reading this, I think that my mum does have the anxiety many of you describe, and possibly has done for many years. she certainly has clinical depression.

I would never discuss the family's health with her for instance, as she would worry herself silly, so I keep it to myself. Over the years there has been some humdingers on health, but I believe she is better in blissful ignorance. she ticks all the boxes for the health anxiety described so well here. I hope you think I'm doing the best thing for her.

I don't think I have ever stopped to think there could be more to her depression. I am so used to what I see as her constant negativity, and understand a lot more after reading this thread. my poor old mum

my very best wishes to you all

Great post OP, very powerful and those that follow.
I suffer from mild anxiety and my DH always knows when I am struggling when the house is spotless, we are eating three course gourmet meals and our lives are planned to the last degree. I "cope" by being super over organised because if I am in control of everything then nothing can go wrong. Very tiring for everyone involved.

In lucky that my anxiety ha never got too bad and I mange it with what some might call "mindfulness" but to me it's only dealing with what's in front of me at the moment in time.

Best of luck OP and the others on this thread.

Amazing post OP, thank you