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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think listing best friends in the yearbook is cruel and unnecessary?

109 replies

LadyFuckrington · 23/07/2015 08:51

Dd is eleven and has always struggled socially but in this last term she has blossomed and made lots of good friends among her year group.

However, we received the yearbook yesterday which comprised a page by each child all done to the same template. One of the boxes was a short list of 'my best friends'. Only one of the girls had listed DD.

She was distraught yesterday and cried for an hour. We've smoothed it over and told her that she's so special to everybody that they didn't need to list her. But really, this is bound to happen with lists like this, isn't it?

Aibu to be really fucked off with the school? I'm glad to see the back of it tbh, onwards and upwards to secondary.

OP posts:
Quintanimo · 23/07/2015 09:49

The friend photo can work if teacher decides the groupings and makes it clear that no appeals will be entertained.

DS had one - and his group missed his actual best friend - but it was a lovely keepsake. For various reasons his group rarely meets out of school.

MrsBobDylan · 23/07/2015 09:51

Awful idea, poor DD. I would email the school and point out why it's a shit way to go about a year book I was spectacularly unpopular at primary school but made friends at secondary.Hope DD enjoys her new school op.

Lovelydiscusfish · 23/07/2015 09:51

It's horrible. I vividly remember when I was about 7 years old, in primary school, the teacher went round the class and asked everybody to name their best friend. I remember the sinking horror as I realised nobody was going to name me! I know it's a tiny thing really, but at that age I found it intensely humiliating, and (quite clearly) have not forgotten it to this day. Don't know what the point was, or what the teacher was thinking. She was nice, but a bit eccentric.
Hope your dd is ok about it now. And, yearbook designers of the future, please take note!

gadzooksishouldbeinbed · 23/07/2015 09:53

It's a terrible idea, and of course sounds absolutely fine to people who have friends themselves and no empathy.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 23/07/2015 09:54

Ours had individual photos and then lots of shots from early years, yr 6 residential etc, some of which were small groups but not friendship groups. All posed shots were either whole class or individual.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 23/07/2015 09:55

And yes, I'd email them.

gadzooksishouldbeinbed · 23/07/2015 09:56

And even for the ones with friends - is anyone naive enough to think that the queen bees won't enjoy exerting their power to include or exclude people from their list?

DeeWe · 23/07/2015 09:57

The photos are taken in small groups but then put together to make a full class group.
My objection to it is there's always an oddment group, and very clearly so. There's usually at least one group where someone has put them as their friends and the others are much closer friends. So you have a group with 4 children hugging closely having a right giggle, lovely. But then a nervous one standing slightly to one side very much the outsider.
I don't like the style anyway (one year the photographer tried to make them all, including the teacher, the same height. So tall ones became fat, and short ones were stretched thin) but that you can always pick out the ones who struggle in friendships seems unnecessarily cruel.
You can't buy the individual groups either.

This year ds' form had one group in mirror image- you could tell because the motif on the sweatshirt was the wrong size.

x2boys · 23/07/2015 09:58

this is as bad as when i was a kid the teacher always picked two girls to pick their teams for hockey,netball whatever i was always picked last why why would you do that to children?

Mygardenistoobig · 23/07/2015 10:01

Here's my 2 peneth stick to the traditional school photos which fit into a standard frame you can buy on the high street!!!!!
My dd2 had one of those 'modern' friends stretched out in groups with the entire class, it is bloody huge and I gave failed to find a frame to put it in . So it remains hidden away because it will cost a bomb to have it professionally framed.

Next what a ridiculous idea to get children to
List their friends. Totally wrong . Does the teacher lose their sense of professionalism during the last week of term. I thought this type of thing died out when I was at school. I still remember the teacher choosing 2 very sporty kids and allowing then to always pick their sports teams. I was ok for even though I wasn't great at sport I had friends so was never left until last. Pity the u sporty, unpopular kids though. Stood in the playground whilst each team looked from one to the other saying up the best of a bad bunch . Same every single PE session and totally wrong.

Please email the schooll and point out the faults in what this teacher had done , asking the. Not to do it again .
Oh and yanbu!

Bunbaker · 23/07/2015 10:02

"is anyone naive enough to think that the queen bees won't enjoy exerting their power to include or exclude people from their list?"

This in bucketloads

I agree x2boys. This happened to me at school. Luckily at DD's school the teacher picks out the teams.

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 23/07/2015 10:06

Our school still lets the kids pick teams too... (I must admit I have never seen a problem as I have sporty kids and DS1 is so happy when he gets to pick... Blush DD is small but fast so not usually first pick but not left til last either) I was spectacularly sporty at school but made a feature of it Blush (picking daisies when I should have been fielding, refusing to break stride from a gentle stroll and stopping to look at things and even go into shops on cross country Blush so basically forced people to pick me last - or 2nd / third last:o

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 23/07/2015 10:07

*I was spectacularly UNsporty - I meant!

ShadowFire · 23/07/2015 10:07

Yes, e-mailing the school to point out how cruel this yearbook format is to the unpopular pupils sounds like a good idea.

I bet the teachers in charge of setting this template were never the unpopular kids without any friends.

Notso · 23/07/2015 10:08

That is awful, your poor DD.

DS's school pass around a piece of A4 with a picture of each child and all the others have to write a comment, a memory or just good luck and sign it.

TheMoonOnAStick15 · 23/07/2015 10:10

I despair at the way this stuff goes on at schools. There was another thread recently about school 'awards' which were just thinly veiled ways to be unkind. What on earth are teachers thinking of? Hmm

X2boys The hellish PE lessons and team picking still goes on. It absolutely infuriates me. If ever there was a way to humiliate and bully someone in one go that is it and my lovely dd suffered it for years. Angry

TheHouseOnBellSt · 23/07/2015 10:12

I let DD stay off last week as they were having a "day of rounders" as a treat!! What are they thinking if this is a treat??

It might be a treat for about 50% of the class but the rest hate it.

x2boys · 23/07/2015 10:13

our school alwys picks the popular kids to be the lead in the nativity /assembley etc really pisses me off give some recognition to my lovely shy eight yr old oh and deputy heads daughter alwyas gets good roles too just like the music teachers daughter did in my school back in the 80s!

Moodyblue1 · 23/07/2015 10:14

My sons school did a year book but it's just filled with pictures of them on trips or doing activities so not really posed for with groups of friends and then there's a class photo of them all which is nice. I can see how it would be hard for the kids that don't get listed as a best friend, mine probably wouldn't but he doesn't seem to care though.

I've just had a newsletter from the high school (he starts in Sept) and it had a page dedicated to awards being handed out including best looking girl and best looking boy, I've never heard of that outside of America

x2boys · 23/07/2015 10:18

award or best looking boy,girl ????? jesus just humilliate the unpopular kids even more.

ManagementBollox · 23/07/2015 10:22

Awful, stupid idea OP. My heart goes out to your daughter.

When I was 11 our teacher had all the class write a physical description of someone else in the class. It was as a creative writing exercise. I was an ugly kid and the one about me pulled no punches. I don't think the child who wrote it was being unkind, just quite accurate but it was very painful and still makes me feel humiliated. I was going through a very shy, awkward phase. If anything, I think it has made me in later life be extra careful about ever mentioning anyones else's physical characteristics, which I think is a lesson more people could learn. I am sorry your daughter was upset, a bit of thought and sensitivity from the school could have predicted how this would be for some kids.

TheHouseOnBellSt · 23/07/2015 10:25

2Boys oddly enough, my DDs school did the opposite. All the geeky kids got the leads and the popular bunch were villagers! Grin Made a nice change.

Smudgeandpudge · 23/07/2015 10:29

Oh God, I struggled to make friends at primary too. This would have upset me so much. Send the school this thread!

x2boys · 23/07/2015 10:29

and thats how it should be TheHouse the popular kids will still be popular but the geeky kids might be a bit more confident!

Wishful80sMontage · 23/07/2015 10:30

mamagement fucking hell how did the teacher think that was a good idea for anyone?!
Similar exercise in our French class at secondary left a girl in tears after being described as fat with big chin. Teachers need to avoid this!