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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't punish a well behaved child to stop the naughty one crying?

41 replies

gymbummy · 22/07/2015 18:07

Earlier in the week had a play date with DD (6) and two friends (A and B) at A's house. All went well until A and B decided to draw on the sitting room walls. A's mother shouted at A and B who both swore at her and laughed in her face, nobody is disputing that DD was in another room and had nothing to do with the drawing, swearing or laughing.

B's mother did nothing bar a half hearted 'oh dear, darling, that wasn't very nice'. It all turned quite sour then and I decided to make a sharp exit with DD who was sitting playing with one of A's dolls, A's mum then said 'why don't you take the doll home and drop her off later' which was fine. Except (still with me here?) B then demanded she be allowed a doll to take home too - to which A's mum said 'no, sorry, darling, you've been rude and disrespectful in my house'. All hell broke loose, B went nuts, screaming, crying, kicking and had to be forcibly removed from the house.

Cut to the next morning, A's mum has been sent a text by B's mum to demand an apology that she upset her precious DD particularly because my DD was allowed to take a doll home and all 3 children should have been treated equally. Apparently I should have stepped in and taken the doll off my DD to stop B crying.

They are both now trying to draw me into this dispute. AIBU to think thank f**k it's the holidays and go into hiding and hope they both have amnesia by September?

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 22/07/2015 18:10

I'd just say that.

I'm not going to punish my child for your child's behaviour.

But that's probably why I don't have many friends Grin

Berthatydfil · 22/07/2015 18:10

You are so NBU and As mum is BVU.

YouTheCat · 22/07/2015 18:10

See other friends.

Definitely don't be drawn into this.

MrsHathaway · 22/07/2015 18:10

B won't have many friends left by high school.

Fair doesn't mean equal, and equal doesn't mean fair.

Hexadecimal1 · 22/07/2015 18:11

You are, of course, correct

Sounds like a bloody exhausting pain in the arse. Avoid and enjoy your holiday.

Berthatydfil · 22/07/2015 18:11

Bs mum is BVU

dodobookends · 22/07/2015 18:12

I'd keep well out of it if I were you!! It wasn't your house, nor was it your dd who had misbehaved.

cariadlet · 22/07/2015 18:14

YANBU
B's mum sounds awful - she should have told her child off and apologised to A's mum for the behaviour.

Why on earth should your daughter be punished if she did nothing wrong. I'd try and avoid both over them over the summer. I definitely wouldn't want to hang around with B or her mum. A's mum sounds better, but I wouldn't want my child having playdates with somebody who behaves as A did.

bloodyteenagers · 22/07/2015 18:15

I don't punish my child for others behavior.
She was able to take the doll home
Because she has behaved.

If pushed further. Mum b would be told straight that her dd did not get the doll because of drawing and swearing. Maybe now her dd will have a bit more understanding of consequences.

But then I am blunt with people and don't give a shit if people
Don't like hearing the truth.

Mrsjayy · 22/07/2015 18:15

Your friend is obviously an arse keep away from her its just going to get worse as the children get older imo

Original poster
gymbummy · 22/07/2015 18:18

Yes, I will definitely be avoiding them like the plague! I have nice, normal and rational friends, I shall go and sip wine with them over the summer and have play dates with their nice children!

I shall try and vet DD's friends for nutty parents in future and steer her towards them. I thought I'd left this sort of behaviour behind when I left school, I hadn't realised parents are worse than kids!

OP posts:
FortyCoats · 22/07/2015 18:19

Stay well out of it and tell them both as much!

A's house, A's rules. I can't stand when visitors arrive, let their kids destroy my house and think nothing of it. They don't reprimand, apologise or help to clean up Angry

Your Dd did nothing wrong and no, she should not punished. B was upset but that's her mother's fault not hers, yours or A's. Make sure to post when B's a teenager, that'll be fun! Grin

Mrsjayy · 22/07/2015 18:20

Oh yes some are loons its a minefield

Floggingmolly · 22/07/2015 18:21

The other two children swore at and laughed in the face of the parent who told them to stop drawing on the wall?? I'd avoid the bloody lot of them, tbh.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 22/07/2015 18:27

Are some parents really blind to their kids tantrums? Ignore the texts. Your Dd was well behaved was offered the told to lend. You did nothing wrong so stay out of it.

Mrsjayy · 22/07/2015 18:31

Yip they are that blind then they turn into teenagers and the parents get worse not better and blame everybody except their own children

Original poster
gymbummy · 22/07/2015 18:36

I was quite shocked at the behaviour to be honest - my DD drives me bonkers at times and I am not blind to the fact that she can be naughty. But drawing on the walls of someone else's house then laughing and swearing? I think if she'd done that I'd be looking to emigrate.

Usually you can't shut me up but I decided the best tactic at the time was to remain mute bar a speedy 'thank you for having us' and eyes down and make a sharp exit. Maybe I'll keep this tactic for the next five years of primary school Wink

OP posts:
Ruledbycatsandkids6 · 22/07/2015 18:37

They swore, played with dolls and drew on a wall?

How old are they?

Anyway steer clear of getting involved and definatly steer clear of B.

If shy child swore at me in my house I would sling them and their parents out immediately. As for drawing in the walls depending on the age they would be cleaning it off or their parent re painting it for me and I would insist in an apology.

I hate spoilt brats and weak parenting.

EmeraldKitten · 22/07/2015 18:42

What ruled by said. A child swore at her and she said 'Oh that's not very nice'? Shock

If one of mine swore at me they'd spend the rest of the night in their bedroom.

The5DayChicken · 22/07/2015 18:46

B's mum lacks parenting skills IMO. All well and good insisting the children are treated the same but if you do that when some are misbehaving and others aren't, you end up either rewarding bad behaviour or punishing good behaviour.

Postchildrenpregranny · 22/07/2015 18:47

They are six years old and they swear? I'd be running for the hills with my DD before I had a playdate with them again

Original poster
gymbummy · 22/07/2015 18:47

Ruledbycatsandkids6: They're 6 - definitely old enough to know how unacceptable this is. I thought A's mum handled the situation well actually, she treated the two girls equally in giving them both barrels but was quite calm and controlled under the circumstances, B's mum didn't even get out of her chair to look at the damage (we'd been in the kitchen).

OP posts:
CatMilkMan · 22/07/2015 18:49

Cut b and her mum out of your life as much as you can.

Original poster
gymbummy · 22/07/2015 18:56

B's mum has form for never taking any responsibility for her daughter's behaviour. I was already avoiding her. Quite tellingly, I only went round to A's house because her mum mentioned B was coming round after school but her mum wasn't arriving for an hour or so. I have mistakenly agreed to look after B before and found her to be a naughty little shit bag hard work.

I know A's mum has anxiety and I didn't want to shit-stir by giving my opinion on B's behaviour but thought some moral support might be handy until she worked it out for herself. It doesn't distress me and keep me awake at night if I have to tell off someone else's brat but A's mum is a more sensitive soul than me!

OP posts:
clam · 22/07/2015 18:59

Hmm, best of luck to B's mum in the future with this one! Teenage years look like being a barrel of laughs.