To think you can't punish a well behaved child to stop the naughty one crying?

[gymbummy]

Earlier in the week had a play date with DD (6) and two friends (A and B) at A's house. All went well until A and B decided to draw on the sitting room walls. A's mother shouted at A and B who both swore at her and laughed in her face, nobody is disputing that DD was in another room and had nothing to do with the drawing, swearing or laughing.

B's mother did nothing bar a half hearted 'oh dear, darling, that wasn't very nice'. It all turned quite sour then and I decided to make a sharp exit with DD who was sitting playing with one of A's dolls, A's mum then said 'why don't you take the doll home and drop her off later' which was fine. Except (still with me here?) B then demanded she be allowed a doll to take home too - to which A's mum said 'no, sorry, darling, you've been rude and disrespectful in my house'. All hell broke loose, B went nuts, screaming, crying, kicking and had to be forcibly removed from the house.

Cut to the next morning, A's mum has been sent a text by B's mum to demand an apology that she upset her precious DD particularly because my DD was allowed to take a doll home and all 3 children should have been treated equally. Apparently I should have stepped in and taken the doll off my DD to stop B crying.

They are both now trying to draw me into this dispute. AIBU to think thank f**k it's the holidays and go into hiding and hope they both have amnesia by September?

yanbu at all

What the hell did these kids say as a swear? Did your dd hear them?

Agree, leave these people to their own devices in future.

I'm not actually sure what words were used, the three of us were in the kitchen and A's mum heard some commotion and went to investigate, first we knew was when A and B came running in laughing and screeching hysterically, that 'we drew on the walls and threw things'. As my DD wasn't with them, I raced off to find out what was going on and find out the whole story and her involvement from A's mum who'd witnessed it. She looked close to tears and a bit stunned, just saying 'Look what they've done, and then they laughed and swore at me'. I'm imagining something at the milder end of profanity, but maybe that's just wishful thinking!

After confirming my own DD was never involved in any way I mumbled something about 'I think it's time we were off now, thank you for having us', she didn't want to go yet as she was happy playing which is where the doll 'bribe' came into it from A's mum.

Unfortunately DD is not quick at putting her shoes on and we didn't get out before it all kicked off! With hindsight I should have shoved doll and shoes in my handbag and a hefty DD under my arm and ran!

B seems to be the main problem here (mum and child) so I'd avoid like the plague. Although child A sounds boxer line swearing at her mum so I'd probably steer clear of them for a while too.

OP just to clarify how do you know what mum B text Mum A?

Shameless place marking?

I didn't see the text, apparently A's mum was half-hoping B/her mum would see her at drop off and apologise and a line could be drawn under it. She just blanked her. A's mum gets very anxious and is always thinks she's at fault, so she texted B's mum to say 'Everything ok?' B's mum replied 'No it's not B is very upset'.

A nice mumsnetty 'Do F*k off Dear' would have sufficed at this point followed by blocking her number A's mum then engaged with this nonsense only to be told that B had been very unfairly treated and should have been given a doll to pacify her as my DD had been given a doll, I'm not sure of her wording but that was the gist of it.

I bumped into A's mum later on who was really upset and fretting over which of them was unreasonable. She asked me outright what my response would have been had my DD behaved like B - I gave a wishy-washy 'we all parent differently but I thought you handled a tricky situation well, isn't it lucky we're off now till September'.

They are both now trying to draw me into this dispute. AIBU to think thank fk it's the holidays and go into hiding and hope they both have amnesia by September?

I think you should tell them they are pathetic to fall out over kids.

Sorry Totality, I didn't respond to the first bit of your post... Yes, I know what you mean about Child A... she has SEN, I don't know enough about SEN in general or his specifically to have an opinion on whether or not this mitigates his behaviour in this case. She tends to be a bit of a follower from what I've seen and I think this has influenced (rightly or wrongly - I've no idea) me towards finding B's actions more naughty than A's.

I've known them both for 2 years and from what I have seen, A's mum is pretty consistent with pulling A up on bad behaviour and doesn't make excuses for her. B's mum.... has a different approach to parenting.

What Mrs Hathaway said. And actually I think I would have less to do with b's mum, cut her loose. Fuck it.

Sorry hers specifically not his as if this isn't confusing enough with A's and B's without me throwing in a quick sex change mid-paragraph!

Well, if A has SEN of some description I would bet my boots she's going along with and copying B's behaviour, rather than instigating anything. If I were you I would stick with A's mum because she will need supportive friends, and avoid B and B's mum as far as possible...

I wonder if A was tiring to fit in with B?

Could you text A's mum and say that you've been thinking about it and she really did do the right thing

I think posters are being quite harsh re A's mum. She handled a difficult situation well, got a crappy response from B's mum and is looking for a but of reassurance. We're not all super confident in our parenting or social situations and I think I'd do similar in her shoes. Sounds like she's just looking for a 'don't worry I'd have done the same' not any further involvement. If you do agree them why not make her feel better, given you know she has anxiety issues? And I agree, avoid B and her mum in future!

Pillowaddict - I think you're right, she did handle it well. I did tell her I thought it was awkward and she handled it well. I was probably too on the fence in not directly saying that I thought B's mum was wrong. When A's mum directly asked me what I'd have felt/reacted in B's mums situation, I said something along the lines of: 'I know we all parent differently , but I would be horrified if my child behaved like that in someone else's home and would have apologised and made DD apologise.'

Hellion7433 - I've been thinking about it quite a lot and I feel bad for A's mum, I know she does find social occasions difficult and having people round is hard for her, the play date was a big deal to her. She's away now for a break with A and her two siblings, but I think when she's back I'll invite her round for a coffee with the kids and be a bit more blunt.

I do try and see both sides in these sorts of school dramas and be quite measured in my opinions if I'm asked and just keep my mouth shut if I'm not. I just can't see that B's mum's behaviour (funny how an incident with small children can actually become all about the parents...) is excusable.

Anyway, it's bed time for me. Is it a bit smug and nobby to concentrate on being proud of my own DD that she wasn't involved in the 'incident'? I know IWBU to be sure I'd handle the situation like some sort of parenting text book was my own DD actually involved

Yanbu. B's mum is a truly excellent example of entitled pfb. If b was a different age I'd have been asking about older siblings and initials as its uncannily like a dick mum I know. Trust me run for the fucking hills, or by 8 you'll be fielding arsey texts about why pfb didn't get to blow out Dd's bday candles, or why your dd didn't let pfb monopolise her bday present and now poor pfb is crying.
A sounds ok but I'd ignore b, permanently, and if she pesters tell her to fuck off, otherwise you'll just end up stressing for a few years and then blowing like I did