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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contemplate not taking maternity leave

62 replies

OopsIAteTheWholeToblerone · 21/07/2015 13:20

I think this isn't as insane as it initially sounds but welcome other views:

Am unexpectedly pregnant with DC2, and am currently a student. For family financial reasons, I really need to crack on and finish my course as have already had a year off with number 1. DC2 is due at the beginning of a 3 week holiday, and as I have gestational diabetes I know I won't be going over my due date. There is then a four week block of 9-5 lectures, before a 10 week clinical placement, before a four week study leave block and a four week holiday.

I keep thinking that a) I could take the baby with me for the lecture block on days DP is working. He does shifts so often off weekdays. (Huge, dark lecture hall- I'd sit at the back and wouldn't disturb anyone- of the baby cried I'd take them out. A baby that young is realistically going to do nothing other than eat and sleep.)

B) If DP saved his annual leave and paternity leave and swiddled his shifts we could then just manage the clinical placement. It's only three days a week, the baby would be between 6ish and 14ish weeks old.

c) I'd then be on study leave for a month and off entirely for a month, which would get us round to almost five months, which isn't an unreasonable time to start nursery? PFB didn't go til he was 13 months as I could be off but I know a few little ones who started between three and six months and it doesnt seem to have scarred them.

The alternative is to take another whole a academic year off, which is doable in terms of the course but just makes everything else harder. We're stuck in a tiny flat in an area we hate and cannot move until I'm qualified and working, which is three more years if I don't take a break.

Am I mad to think just gritting teeth and cracking on will be best? I don't know what to do.

Apologies for epic post!

OP posts:
Christelle2207 · 21/07/2015 14:11

I do think you need to muddle through rather than give up. I think look at part-time childminder/nanny options as when your baby is tiny you will want it to have 1 to 1 care which it won't have at nursery. With this and doing lectures online at a time to suit you it may be doable.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/07/2015 14:12

Don't quit don't quit don't quit don't quit!

You are so nearly there - think of all that work you'd waste!

OK, so you can do your lecture block online - that gets you to 7 weeks assuming dates are as you say.

What you need is a back-up plan for your clinical placement in case anything goes wrong with DH's shifts (or indeed your DS is ill and can't go to nursery).

Does DH have any leave/paternity leave? Rather than taking paternity leave when the baby first comes, can he take it as 3 days a week while you're doing the clinical block?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/07/2015 14:13

And 5 months is fine to start nursery, they usually are happy to take after 3 months and DS started at 5/6...

Dynomite · 21/07/2015 14:13

Another one saying don't quit, OP! Whatever financial sacrifices need making, just do it.

My mother was in her 3rd year of uni (out of a 5 year degree) when she got pregnant with me! She kept at it, my dad went to work nights so he could stay with me during the day while she studied and went to lectures. After that I was in nursery from 4 weeks. She describes it as the hardest time of her life but she regrets nothing. She was top of her class before she got pregnant and didn't manage to keep up those grades but still graduated with a decent degree and built a very good career afterwards. And it also meant my dad was and remained a very inolved dad :) and she also admits that if she hadn't done it then, she wouldn't have gotten back to study once she realized how expensive children were.
You can do it,OP! And, as a side note, women in the UK get a very generous mat leave, women around the world manage with a lot less leave. So it's not impossible. Not ideal, but very doable. And you'll likely be exhausted all the time. But it will be worth it in the long run.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 21/07/2015 14:16

Chat to your uni. Is there any funding for childcare available or anything else to help you? I wouldn't give up the dream without a good bash at it. If online or recorded lectures are available that sounds preferable, at least you can pause it when the baby needs sorting.

I've got a 3.5wk old now and he's had a grizzly couple of days and has needed lots of feeding and rocking. I would have spent loads of the time outside of the lecture hall TBH and would have been exhausted.

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 21/07/2015 14:21

It is doable. As others have said, the uk has generous maternity leave and many other countries go back 2-4 weeks postnatally. I'm not saying that is a good thing, just that in this country we are so used to mums being off for a year with baby that we are easily shocked when someone says they went back after 3-4 weeks.

The only thing that would concern me the workload and taking the baby to lectures, would the uni even allow that? Do you have willing family and friends hat could look after baby on the days you have to go in to a lecture and watch the rest online? What are your childcare arrangements for the long term? A childminder is likely to help out, especially if they are already looking after your older dc.

Viviennemary · 21/07/2015 14:22

It all sound totally impossible to me. I don't think it's on taking babies into lectures or else why couldn't everyone. I think you should negotiate time off. Otherwise I think it's unfair on your children. Hope things work out.

foolonthehill · 21/07/2015 14:29

Where are you studying OP (if that's not too nosey?) you can pm me if you would rather not put it out there.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 21/07/2015 14:32

Regarding maternity pay, is there any way you could get yourself eligible if that's a concern? I don't know how far along you are, but to get Maternity Allowance you need to have worked for 26 of the most recent 64 weeks before due date, I think it is, and submit payslips for 13 of them. Women can and do start working when pregnant in order to qualify. Not sure how feasible it is given your circumstances, but possibly worth considering. I don't know how it works with student finance, my aforementioned cousin also did this but as luck would have it, she was due just after finishing the course anyway.

hibbledibble · 21/07/2015 14:51

I think it wouldn't be doable to bring baby to lectures, but you said you can do the lectures online, which sounds feasible.

If I were you I would put baby in a childminder, not a nursery, for at least part of your clinical placement, and save dh's leave for emergencies, such as dc being sick, which will happen a lot.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/07/2015 14:58

Yep, DH has an American office and women there are all back at 4 weeks post-partum. It can be done.

Happy36 · 21/07/2015 15:03

I had 2 weeks maternity leave after my son was born (by elective Caesarean), then worked approximately 4 days per week for 3 months (before returning to full-time) and 6 weeks maternity leave with my daughter (also E.C.). We had a nanny and my husband works mostly from home, and my in-laws were around to help. Also I did not breastfeed them. I was a bit tired, but it was fine. If you have a relatively straightforward birth, are energetic and have people to help you, you should not feel you can’t get back to working with a newborn, if that’s what you want to do.

Headofthehive55 · 21/07/2015 15:04

I started my PGCE when my baby had just come out of hospital ( prem baby) but I did it online flexible. She had been home about a week. Placements were later, used a nursery. It was fine. Try it. If it doesn't work take the year off!

RunnerHasbeen · 21/07/2015 15:06

You can't really be considering quitting, that is going too far. I don't think your current plan is really that practical, even if you are lucky enough to get a really easy baby, you still have DC1 to consider so it isn't as flexible as before in terms of making the time up.

First step is to talk to your Director of Studies, or equivalent, they will want you to stay on course and will let you know which areas are most flexible. You might be able to take some exams as resits or be given first choice of the most suitable clinical placement - you need to ask. I teach at a medical school and it would be disruptive having a newborn in all lectures for weeks, a one off is different, but your fellow students will be feeling the pressure of exams as well. I would really prefer the student had asked for our help and support in making a realistic plan.

What about your parents or in-laws, could they come and stay with you for a few weeks to get you through the worst of it - with your DH saving up his leave while they are there. I would do this if you were my sister or if my DD ever gets in a similar situation down the line.

hibbledibble · 21/07/2015 15:08

Also op is this an NHS course? (Do you get an NHS bursary?)

If so, you can get maternity 'pay' which is a continuation of your grant throughout your time off for maternity.

britnay · 21/07/2015 15:14

Best to contact your course provider and find out how to work around baby.

Patapouf · 21/07/2015 15:18

I really don't think it's ok for you to take a baby into lectures I'm afraid even if it is just for four weeks.

DPotter · 21/07/2015 15:31

well nothing is impossible but I think you are going to have to have a lot of support in place to get you thru - not just your DH on his days off. It's not just a matter of attending lectures presumably there will be course work to complete. So get as much support as you can - CM, fill the freezer, sort out note takers for lectures you can't make. Good luck

Original poster
OopsIAteTheWholeToblerone · 21/07/2015 15:45

Thanks for all the different ideas and perspectives. Will have to think more, clearly. I've got a little while though to come up with a plan luckily! Parents and in-laws are no help at all, unfortunately (as in, my mother- who is the most helpful- has said she might have DC1 when we go into hospital to have DC2 'if it doesn't clash with bridge' Hmm) My sister might help a bit but she doesn't live particularly close and has her own life and job. DH's sister ditto, and she has four kids of her own. So we are pretty much in this alone except for paid help!

OP posts:
RamonatheMisunderstood · 21/07/2015 16:29

We were in a similar position when ds1 was born. My husband and I were both students. Luckily my ds was a summer baby so I'd completed my first year placement early which gave me some time before he was born, then we had the summer holidays. We found a childminder to help part time to cover times both dh and I were in lectures, then at 5 months ds went pretty much full time to the childminder as I had a full time work placement and dh had more lectures.

I wont lie, it was tough and we were so so tired. I nearly quit due to financial pressures but we persevered and got through it. DS is 16 now and of course he doesnt remember being fed and changed in odd corners of the university!

Also it is worth checking to see if you will qualify for any discretionary grants from your course provider. I hadn't thought of this option until I sobbed at my tutor that I couldnt afford to carry on and he helped us access some money. Not much but it made a big difference.

Sorry to ramble on and good luck with it all!

AndNowItsSeven · 21/07/2015 16:34

Why can't your dh take unpaid leave? Is it a new job? Otherwise they can't refuse unpaid parental leave right after the birth of a child.

DixieNormas · 21/07/2015 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplepoodle · 21/07/2015 17:01

First I'd go and talk to the uni and find out your options. (Also a placement that will fit in with your circumstances).

If u can do lectures from home online it's a good solution. As you could catch up weekends ect when dh is home.

I would definitely try it. Worse comes to worse you take some time off

missymayhemsmum · 21/07/2015 18:44

Talk to your Director of Studies, and try harder to enlist the grandparents. Helping you through the first 4 months of their new grandchild's life will be a huge investment in your family's future, whether they do it by helping with childcare or helping with the costs of childcare.

dontrunwithscissors · 21/07/2015 19:01

I'm a lecturer. I would second talking to the uni. A long time back there used to be childcare bursaries available.

I know academics in the U.S. who have lectured with their baby in a sling. One woman I know had a c-section and was back in work (with baby) a week later. Students thought nothing of her breastfeeding while discussing Foucault. Crazy world over there, but people somehow manage until they're old enough to go to nursery.

I would also agree looking at a CM, even if only for a few hours. Dd2 was with a childminder from 8 weeks because I was too poorly to look after her for a while. The CM was amazing and I think it was no different in terms of her day to day life than being with a relative. (The CM had both DDs and would feed and bath them, put them in pyjamas, drop them off at the house with a casserole for my DH to have. She was worth her weight in gold.)