To just not want lists of jobs all the time

[Welshmaenad]

I'm trying to explain this so that I don't sound like a horrible human being, because I promise I'm not.

My dad was widowed last year, quite suddenly. He's relatively young but disabled with a complex range of health problems. He manages day to day pretty well but can't do heavier chores and so on. I'm genuinely happy to help wherever I can, my sister and BIL chip in where they are able and my DH goes after after work to cut the lawn etc.

At the moment though, it just feels like any conversation I have with my dad is based on a litany of pretty heavy duty jobs he wants me to do. He will sit and reel off all the things he wants done - clearing out the shed, clearing the spare room, heavy landscaping, moving furniture. Dh and I have recently removed several large appliances for him, I've done a load of gardening. I was there today and emptied his freezer ready for the new one he had me order and I've to go back Thursday to move furniture so the new one can be delivered then refill it.

I have 2 kids, am on break from a demanding degree and about to start a part time job. Dad lives 45 min drive away so it's a trek to get there. I've recently been diagnosed with a condition that causes bone and joint pain and I'm on heavy duty painkillers and I am bone fucking tired.

I sound like I'm whining, I know, but whenever he starts with his lists of jobs he wants me to do it makes me want to cry. I know he adores me and he's generous and lovely, but he will interrupt me mid sentence and start talking over me with his lists of jobs for me and it is really getting me down, but I can't say anything to him because I'd rather die than hurt his feelings.

Perhaps this is more of a rant than an AIBU! I love him to bits but I'm so tired of all our interaction revolving him planning how I can do major chores! I'm a dreadful daughter aren't I?

We've had similar with MIL and she has hobbies and freinds visting so its not just a case of too much time for her, but also that its more acceptable to ask for help when you are alone, I think.

The only thing that has solved it for us is that she can see how busy we are. Also when we have time for a non essential job in our own home we offer to do the same job for her so she sees the jobs are getting done but at the pace we can manage. She is able to manage the day to day essentials herslef.

A couple of big jobs we have had to say we've needed to hire someone to do this with us because we don't have time, so you need to either talk to BIL's or pay someone yourself. She does seem to understand more and more that we aren't sitting in the house with our feet up pondering on what job we can do next.

You are not a dreadful daughter - I have the same from my grandma and I dread the 'oh while you are here can you just ......' this normally follows with about a days worth of odd jobs which she leaves till I am just about to leave!

We always have a delaying tactic up our sleeves we have noticed - I am sure it is loneliness but can be very frustrating so I sympathise.

I don't think you're unreasonable. You need to find a way to broach this with him though, very gently, as it's clearly affecting your health and your relationship with him.

Someone upthread suggested finding a handyman type to help. We advertised on Gumtree for help with the garden (it's huge and a jungle needing lots of clearing and we both work) and found a local guy who's a SAHD and available in the mornings while his DS is at preschool. He's lovely and charges a reasonable rate and has been an absolute godsend for just cracking in through the time-consuming stuff. There will be someone out there who can help your dad in similar terms.

I think your dad has lost perspective a bit, probably wants your help to reassure him he's still loved but needs gently reminding that you aren't superhuman.

Does he know about your medical condition and that it is limiting for you?

House clearance people would probably clear the shed out, and perhaps any parts of the house he no longer intends to use much. Get some quotes. They may pay you a token amount if they can sell stuff on.

I suspect he is lonely and afraid a bit, and of course still grieving too. House clearance for stuff he doesn't want, his cleaner who already comes, and a handyman for other work.

Make your time with him all about you and him.

Oh you poor thing, OP. Your father is really exploiting you. He needs either to pay for more domestic help or to downsize to make life more manageable rather than using you as a slave to plug the labour gaps in his life.

OP - can you approach it with him from this point of view?

'Dad, we only seem to see you when jobs need doing - how about you organise someone to do xyz and then we can spend time together doing something fun'.

He would perhaps rather ask for help with practical things, than tell you that he's lonely and ask for your company.

Thank you for all your replies.

We spend every Saturday with him, me and the kids, that's set in stone. This is when I do his shopping. I also often go down one day in the week, my sister has weekend breakfasts with him plus she and BIL do Sunday afternoon/dinner at his. One of us will always go to medical appointments with him too. So he does get plenty of contact with us.

He has taken up a hobby that gets him out on one weekday evening and he seems to enjoy it.

I'm exhausted just reading about it so god knows how you must feel!
Does he have any siblings that you're close to or a long term family friend who might have a word on your behalf?

Or could your DH say he's worried about everything you have going on at the moment, and you're not too well yourself?

Thank you for all your comments and suggestions.

I don't think he will be willing to get a stranger in to go through his stuff - he's quite private. I will have a think about how to gently suggest that some of these jobs are not a priority and to enjoy time together instead of worrying about them.

To be honest I feel so much better just hearing that I'm doing an ok job of taking care of him as it is, thank you for that.

You are going to make yourself ill :(

Honestly? It depends whether he is just not coping right now or is not going to cope forever. I know its shit, but from the jobs (garden, spare room etc) it sounds like he needs to downsize to somewhere he can cope with

It's not really that massive a house - I can see a point where stairs might be an issue but I can't see us convincing him to sell up, it's the home he shared with my mum for over 35 years.

It really isn't fair of your father to use you as unpaid slave labour to maintain his house, however many memories the house holds for him. I'm afraid my feminist principles are really coming to the fore here: your father is being very, very naughty.

So you think hw is trying to sort the house because he is afraid he will die soon?
My aunt (82) gets like that from.time to.time trying to sort through her parents and grandparents things so it is done before she goes. Tried to get us take her cat once as well.
She is harder to deal with than mil as what do you say other than don't worry about that it will wait enjoy your time instead.

Sorry that should say. Do you think he ...