To just not want lists of jobs all the time

[Welshmaenad]

I'm trying to explain this so that I don't sound like a horrible human being, because I promise I'm not.

My dad was widowed last year, quite suddenly. He's relatively young but disabled with a complex range of health problems. He manages day to day pretty well but can't do heavier chores and so on. I'm genuinely happy to help wherever I can, my sister and BIL chip in where they are able and my DH goes after after work to cut the lawn etc.

At the moment though, it just feels like any conversation I have with my dad is based on a litany of pretty heavy duty jobs he wants me to do. He will sit and reel off all the things he wants done - clearing out the shed, clearing the spare room, heavy landscaping, moving furniture. Dh and I have recently removed several large appliances for him, I've done a load of gardening. I was there today and emptied his freezer ready for the new one he had me order and I've to go back Thursday to move furniture so the new one can be delivered then refill it.

I have 2 kids, am on break from a demanding degree and about to start a part time job. Dad lives 45 min drive away so it's a trek to get there. I've recently been diagnosed with a condition that causes bone and joint pain and I'm on heavy duty painkillers and I am bone fucking tired.

I sound like I'm whining, I know, but whenever he starts with his lists of jobs he wants me to do it makes me want to cry. I know he adores me and he's generous and lovely, but he will interrupt me mid sentence and start talking over me with his lists of jobs for me and it is really getting me down, but I can't say anything to him because I'd rather die than hurt his feelings.

Perhaps this is more of a rant than an AIBU! I love him to bits but I'm so tired of all our interaction revolving him planning how I can do major chores! I'm a dreadful daughter aren't I?

[purplemurple1]

Sorry that should say. Do you think he ...

[purplemurple1]

So you think hw is trying to sort the house because he is afraid he will die soon?
My aunt (82) gets like that from.time to.time trying to sort through her parents and grandparents things so it is done before she goes. Tried to get us take her cat once as well.
She is harder to deal with than mil as what do you say other than don't worry about that it will wait enjoy your time instead.

[Bonsoir]

It really isn't fair of your father to use you as unpaid slave labour to maintain his house, however many memories the house holds for him. I'm afraid my feminist principles are really coming to the fore here: your father is being very, very naughty.

[Welshmaenad]

It's not really that massive a house - I can see a point where stairs might be an issue but I can't see us convincing him to sell up, it's the home he shared with my mum for over 35 years.

[BeyondTheWall]

You are going to make yourself ill :(

Honestly? It depends whether he is just not coping right now or is not going to cope forever. I know its shit, but from the jobs (garden, spare room etc) it sounds like he needs to downsize to somewhere he can cope with

[Welshmaenad]

Thank you for all your comments and suggestions.

I don't think he will be willing to get a stranger in to go through his stuff - he's quite private. I will have a think about how to gently suggest that some of these jobs are not a priority and to enjoy time together instead of worrying about them.

To be honest I feel so much better just hearing that I'm doing an ok job of taking care of him as it is, thank you for that.

[WicksEnd]

I'm exhausted just reading about it so god knows how you must feel!
Does he have any siblings that you're close to or a long term family friend who might have a word on your behalf?

Or could your DH say he's worried about everything you have going on at the moment, and you're not too well yourself?

[Welshmaenad]

Thank you for all your replies.

We spend every Saturday with him, me and the kids, that's set in stone. This is when I do his shopping. I also often go down one day in the week, my sister has weekend breakfasts with him plus she and BIL do Sunday afternoon/dinner at his. One of us will always go to medical appointments with him too. So he does get plenty of contact with us.

He has taken up a hobby that gets him out on one weekday evening and he seems to enjoy it.

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

OP - can you approach it with him from this point of view?

'Dad, we only seem to see you when jobs need doing - how about you organise someone to do xyz and then we can spend time together doing something fun'.

He would perhaps rather ask for help with practical things, than tell you that he's lonely and ask for your company.

[Bonsoir]

Oh you poor thing, OP. Your father is really exploiting you. He needs either to pay for more domestic help or to downsize to make life more manageable rather than using you as a slave to plug the labour gaps in his life.

[Topseyt]

Does he know about your medical condition and that it is limiting for you?

House clearance people would probably clear the shed out, and perhaps any parts of the house he no longer intends to use much. Get some quotes. They may pay you a token amount if they can sell stuff on.

I suspect he is lonely and afraid a bit, and of course still grieving too. House clearance for stuff he doesn't want, his cleaner who already comes, and a handyman for other work.

Make your time with him all about you and him.

[OTheHugeManatee]

I don't think you're unreasonable. You need to find a way to broach this with him though, very gently, as it's clearly affecting your health and your relationship with him.

Someone upthread suggested finding a handyman type to help. We advertised on Gumtree for help with the garden (it's huge and a jungle needing lots of clearing and we both work) and found a local guy who's a SAHD and available in the mornings while his DS is at preschool. He's lovely and charges a reasonable rate and has been an absolute godsend for just cracking in through the time-consuming stuff. There will be someone out there who can help your dad in similar terms.

I think your dad has lost perspective a bit, probably wants your help to reassure him he's still loved but needs gently reminding that you aren't superhuman.

[Noodledoodledoo]

You are not a dreadful daughter - I have the same from my grandma and I dread the 'oh while you are here can you just ......' this normally follows with about a days worth of odd jobs which she leaves till I am just about to leave!

We always have a delaying tactic up our sleeves we have noticed - I am sure it is loneliness but can be very frustrating so I sympathise.

[purplemurple1]

We've had similar with MIL and she has hobbies and freinds visting so its not just a case of too much time for her, but also that its more acceptable to ask for help when you are alone, I think.

The only thing that has solved it for us is that she can see how busy we are. Also when we have time for a non essential job in our own home we offer to do the same job for her so she sees the jobs are getting done but at the pace we can manage. She is able to manage the day to day essentials herslef.

A couple of big jobs we have had to say we've needed to hire someone to do this with us because we don't have time, so you need to either talk to BIL's or pay someone yourself. She does seem to understand more and more that we aren't sitting in the house with our feet up pondering on what job we can do next.

[MidniteScribbler]

Is the only time you visit when you do these jobs for him? If so, in his mind, he's probably using them as an excuse to spend time with you, he sounds very lonely, and probably terrified that if you don't have a reason to come over that you would stop seeing him. Not that I'm even suggesting you would do that to him, but anxiety and fear does make people think differently. Could you organise some visits that don't involve doing tasks? Book a nice restaurant for lunch, or tickets to a sporting match, or just go out to the park or even take over a DVD and some popcorn, anything that you could do together (with or without your DH). Once he realises that he still gets your time and attention without the tasks, you will probably find the requests decrease.

[Hardtoknow]

I'm another one who thinks it sounds as though he is lonely & has too much time on his hands.
I also wonder if these are tasks your DM was always talking about doing but never got around to (we've been meaning to sort our shed put for at least two years now) and your DF wants to do it because of that.

[SaucyJack]

No, you're not horrible. You have your own house to manage. It's not U not to be able to take on someone else's housekeeping as well.

Maybe you just need to try and re-establish your time together as social time, rather than DIY time.

My mum has set days that she goes and takes my GD out for lunch or shopping. Would that help?

[SisterMoonshine]

I don't want this to sound patronizing, but any activities he could take up,?
To give him other things to think about and not become so fixated on things that need doing around the house.

[ThoseAwfulCurtains]

Is he thinkibg up these jobs as a way of getting your company? To him it might be easier than talking about feelings of loneliness. Also, is he doing the jobs now that someone eould need to do if he died? Getting his house in order so to speak. You're not horrible. You sound lovely.

[WingsofNylon]

It is likely to be a way of filling his time. Are you able to help him find something else to occupy his thoughts. A new interest or hobby?
That way he's not sitting around thinking about all the jobs that need doing.

[BL00CowWonders]

Agree with all the previous posters.
He sounds lonely and as if he's needing his list of jobs to make sense of his loss. Is this just his way of communicating? ie is he reeling off lists of things that need doing rather than saying 'I'm lonely and need more regular contact with people'?

[SniffsAndSneezes]

YANBU, and you certainly aren't a bad daughter or person. You say this began after your Mother passed away, but consider; are these tasks she would have been expected to carry out?

As a PP sort of suggested, I would hazard a guess that he's doing this to keep you around. I'd just talk to him, explain that you're happy to help out with verity things that he can't do, but that it needs to be reined in a bit.

I'm very sorry for your loss too OP.

[Whodathink1t]

Not even slightly unreasonable! My parents only ever call on me if it's of a medical need type situation (I'm their emergency contacts as they are divorced) - I am first port of call for emergency admittances, and for runs to hospital if other friends can't be called on.
They make sure that other than this, I'm not the first port of call. DF mentioned that he might need some stuff lugging round his flat, and by the time we'd got round to discussing dates around when we'd be free, he'd already sorted it, DM was similar when she needed her dog sat and a load of meals bringing round.
They know I have enough of a job keeping on top of things in my own home that if they pile too much on me I'll crack - I'm of an anxious disposition at the best of times, and they've seen me in pretty rotten states recently when we were doing too many family visits.
My DM's parents relied too heavily on her, IMO, and she remembers the effect it had on her - I hope that she continues to remember. At the moment, she's very good at being sensitive to what I can manage, but I suspect that if her faculties deteriorate, I'm going to have a bit of a battle on my hands.

I wish you well OP - I do think that you need to be a bit more firm with your DF - you need to look after yourself otherwise you can't look after those you love.

[Purplepoodle]

Could u get him a handy man? Someone who can do all these jobs for him?