Another in law thread...

[tangoisnice]

NC for this!

I had ds 7 weeks ago. At first both my parents and dh's were great, bringing food and supplies to the house while we were getting our routine set up. Now we are all settled and dh is back at work, ds is a great baby in as nice a routine as a 7week old baby can be. We have been able to do our own shopping and dinners for a good few weeks now (this is relevant!).

My main aibu comes in this. My family are the type to ring before they come round. And I mean usually the day before if not longer. This goes for everyone - we all live in close proximity but we all ring the day before and organise a time. This is just how it's always been. Dhs family are largely the opposite and pils and bil drop in whenever they fancy. Because of how my family are, this is quite a shock to me and I am not enjoying it! People keep turning up at the house whilst I'm here alone with the baby attempting to catch up on sleep, breastfeed etc. the dog goes mental when they come here and won't calm down for me when they're gone. I hate it when I am having a day home alone and am trying to have some peaceful time with the baby and they just descend. I'm not expecting a full days notice but they drive past our estate to get home from work so even if they rang as they were setting off from work and I had ten minutes notice I could at least put a top on before they're knocking on the door. Aibu??? How do I sort this out? I have poor social skills and don't know how to approach this.

As an aside and back to the food situation I am trying my hardest to lose a bit of weight before ds's christening in two weeks and have me and dh's meals for the week prepped and ready to go. They keep bringing dinners round which is great but it means all my plans are to pot! Either their efforts and food are wasted or mine are. I am a bit routine/plan obsessed and hate going off timetable, as well as feeling totally undermined by this. Please help me get round this!

The problem is 30 minutes notice still isn't a lot and if you are sleeping or something you still don't want them around at all. You need to stop the frequent visits.

Are they going to text you and actually wait for a reply or are they going to text you, assume you have got 'your notice' and come on round anyway?

Get that key back! They should not be letting themselves in, especially when you are actually in the house!

When our second son was born, the first son was only just 2 & still happy to have a nap after breakfast, so to stop everyone phoning or coming round, I emailed everyone that we're not to be disturbed until after 11am, as we're having a nap!

Turned the mobile on silent, put a notice on the door saying 'New Baby in the house - do you REALLY need to disturb us?" and if anyone phoned, I answered in my 'sleepy' voice - when they asked if I was asleep, I said yes, I'll call you later! Only took 2 days before people got the message - good luck sweetie xxx

Thanks for all your messages of advice, taken it on board. I think I am too polite pushover so don't manage to speak up for myself for fear of being impolite or offending. My dh is the same but as I said in prior post he text them to tell them not to drop in on me but no reply!

I was out all day yesterday so they didn't see them. I'm terrified of them coming today and being upset re the text and them saying something to me, in case I faulter with my shyness and am unable to say anything back. Sigh, I do need to toughen up. Particularly for ds because he is at the brunt of this: they clearly want to come round to see him but don't mind interrupting a feed or his sleep to do this, which is surely wrong!

I know that terrified feeling of a potential conflict
Please put the note on the door saying exhausted new mum and baby sleeping please do not disturb and also could dh send a text with an actual invitation for a time when you are both there.

My inlaws have all picked the days they will come to my house.

Gm and gf turn up on a Saturday from 5pm until around 8pm. Even on birthdays and valentines day!

Fil comes for the day on Sunday. Every single Sunday

Mil and sil comes on a Monday.

Bil comes on Tuesday and Wednesday.

The rest just pop by whenever they want. It's annoying and the cause of many rows.
I have started to just do my own thing when they're here. Sometimes I go for a nap or read a book.

This has been going on for 14 year and I have hit that point where I know longer give a flying fuck who I offend.

Christmas Day used to be horrific with everyone turning up at the same time and staying at my house for hours. My poor family couldn't get a look in.

I get the being terrified.

But let today be the first day when they don't get in, and have to go back home.

Do whatever you are most comfortable with today. This is step one. Put the key in the door, draw the curtains a bit and keep the dog away from the front of the house. That way you can hide and just not answer the door this time.

If they come round today and fail to get in lets see what happens. Your DH has asked them to give notice, but not to wait for permission. Perhaps they'll ring or text later being indignant about not getting in - HE can deal with them. He can say yes, Tango was in bus was asleep/busy with baby/showering/bathing baby ... whatever; it doesn't matter, but they'll get the message that they are going to waste a lot of their time on your doorstep if they keep just turning up.

Maybe tomorrow and the next day use the note on the door technique.

If these thing don't work within a week i'd have to ask DH to lay it out for them much more clearly.

If there's any unpleasantness it'll only be of their making. You're not bein unreasonable at all

icant - That sounds like my idea of hell! Why have you let them choose what to do with your time?!

I hate confrontation, and will usually find a cowards way out which works. I could never let that go on for 14 YEARS.

It's my Dp Epon
He says they're welcome whenever they want. They even let themselves in! I have started being rude to them. I will make myself a brew and leave dp to sort them out.

The way I see it now is that they're not my problem. They are not my guests.

Icant- that is my idea of hell!!! You poor thing.

Me and dh are married less than a year see so I have a lifetime of these people, bit early to create a rift!! Anyway I'm looking at houses in my home town now because I want to move!! My mum told me fil told her mil says 'let's drop in to tango and baby' every time they go past our estate on the way home from work. Pils think it's funny and cute. Mum was as mortified as me 'they just turn up ? ' it is so unheard of in my family. Particularly with new mothers!

icant - oh gosh. If your DP has given them an open invitation ... well, if it were me i'd have to tell him it's them or him. Or me or them. Or something! Everyone is different though - you've done well to put up with it all this time.

OP - yeah. Ultimately i think i'd be pinning my hopes on a house move too in the long term

I don't like the 'dropping in' culture. Some do, and that's fine, but i hate it. My mum's a droper in any time without warning'er. And a cats bum mouth'er if the house is a mess, or i'm still in my PJs, ect.

When i moved an hour out of London (not to get away from them) my parents decided to move out of London too, to be nearer me and the CGs. All well and good but they bought a house in the same village. A house 3 properties down from me They were delighted. What could i say?! Please DM and DF - don't move so close to me? Tricky.

I spent 8 years perfecting the art of concealing the fact i was home. 8 years of trying to think of an excuse summon the courage to ask for the spare key back. Arrggh.

I've moved now again. Twice. So no more popping in. It is a relief.

Your DHs family see this behaviour as normal and something families do. Your family are not like that. All it takes is to tell your in laws that you don't like people coming round when you don't expect them and you prefer to make arrangments.
I should think this is really something your DH could deal with because it is easier for him.
If your in laws are offended that is their problem, they don't mind offending you by just popping in, but it does not have to be confrontational.
They will probably think you are being precious but then again, they have to accept not everyone is like them!

They moved 3 doors down?! I would be devastated! Glad to see you've moved again! Dropping in is so unnecessary now that there are mobile phones. Bil did ring to say they were outside on Monday which is... I don't even know what that is!

Tbh I've long expected pils aren't keen on me, particularly mil. Mil and her sister often jokingly call me a princess and

Posted too soon. And think I am a 'precious' type anyway, they all idolise dh and I think because he married me and 'took him away' from them as well as being entirely different to their family, they don't like me. Not that I care much so long as everything remains civil.

Ah,..Then they could be doing it on purpose knowing you don't like it - or trying to desensitize you until you are more like them!
In that case, seeing as they don't like you that much, just stop bothering about how they feel and tell them straight not to just pop round.
I do think your DH could sort this out though, to save you having to deal with it. It's his family after all!

They have a bloody cheek banging on the window if you don't answer the door. That would annoy me enough for me to say something to them whether they were offended or not.

Tbh these comments have inspired a bit of confidence. My keys are in the door, and they've been warned off. I'm happy for them to come round but not without warning: next time I'm ignoring the door. They drive a large unmistakable vehicle visible from the house so I can tell who is knocking quite quickly. I realise how ridiculous I'm being by pandering to it. Hopefully it'll stop now they've been warned. It wouldn't be so bad but it's always pils and bil, so three on one! This will out me but the day after I got home from hospital with ds 26 people turned up at my house, mostly dh's family. We got home at 7pm the night before, had no sleep, the midwife came at the same time, I was grey from anaemia after a traumatic pph, the baby was jaundice and ill (probably discharged a little soon tbh) and at 1030am there everybody was. They all passed my baby round like a parcel barely looking at me, took this proud family photo that didn't include me, left the place a tip with cups from the drinks dh had to make them all (26!). That should have been the last straw. Dh is a pushover and won't put his foot down for me though :(.

tango

Is there any reason they actually need a key? If not, I would either ask for it back, or get the locks changed and say you've done it due to concerns over a spate of burglaries in the area or some such tosh, and then say nothing about giving them a new key. If they ask for one, say that you've decided not to give out keys now as it's not necessary, as obviously they wouldn't need to come in unless you're home.

My Mum has a key to our house because she cares for ds one day a week. However, when she arrives, or her and Dad come to visit, they never use it - they always knock. She only uses it when it's just her and ds. I wouldn't give a key to my inlaws because there's absolutely no reason to, and until Mum was caring for ds she didn't have one either.

Phoenix thank you!

They've had a key since my dh bought the house 6 years ago. He bought it before we'd met and I moved in a year before we got married, so that's almost two years ago. They have always thought of the house as an extension of their own as dh was relatively quite young to be buying a house and it's quite close to theirs. So they have a key, this should have been discussed when I moved in I suppose and the boundaries changed. I feel uncomfortable in my own home knowing they have a key, but I feel uncomfortable asking dh to get it back because it's HIS house not mine. Can you see what I mean? Sounds ridiculous but that's how I feel. I might wait til dh is home alone and give my mum a key and tell her to just walk in! Im kidding but not really...

This is about the time they usually show up so keeping fingers crossed they keep away.

Everything crossed that you've still got peace and quiet

My dh's family are drop-iners - I fucking LOATH it! My family/friends all call ahead with as much notice as poss... that may be 10 minutes because they are genuinely passing, but I am free to say sorry, not a good time.
Dhs lot used to drop round every 5 fucking minutes - until I locked the door, refused to answer, even though I think it was pretty obvious I was in. I just couldn't take it anymore and all of DHs efforts were wasted - they are just entirely selfish.

Are they all on facebook? I find it very useful now - I write DO NOT DISTURB in my status followed by something like I am having a movie day with DCs and wont answer for the queen. Its me nicely saying FUCK OFF to my inlaws :)

You have been there for 2 years, you are married with a baby. It absolutely is your home and not an extension of theirs.

Your DH needs to get that key back. If he won't change the locks. If PIL then discover their key doesn't work say you lost yours so had to get them changed. If they say they need a copy, tell them they don't.

This is where my relationship with my ils went wrong.

Had dc1 and they would just turn up and stay for hours. No phone call or asking if it was a good time. I took to hiding upstairs and pretending to be out. Thank fuck they never had a key!

In the end dh had to tell them I felt sufficated and needed my own space back - they didnt like it but in retrospet I'm glad we did it because I couldnt have taken another 18 years of them doing it.

Be brave! You dont want to end up hating them. Look at it this way, if your ils end up with hurt feelings, it is their own doing because they've completely steamrollered you and ignored your tactful hints.

but I feel uncomfortable asking dh to get it back because it's HIS house not mine

You're married and live there - it's equally your house and you are entitled to set boundaries.

I hope they have got the message, just another thought; if they have wound the dog up then hand them the lead and send them out. Come rain or shine, pil arriving has disturbed the dog therefore baby. So they fix it.