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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another in law thread...

91 replies

tangoisnice · 20/07/2015 15:54

NC for this!

I had ds 7 weeks ago. At first both my parents and dh's were great, bringing food and supplies to the house while we were getting our routine set up. Now we are all settled and dh is back at work, ds is a great baby in as nice a routine as a 7week old baby can be. We have been able to do our own shopping and dinners for a good few weeks now (this is relevant!).

My main aibu comes in this. My family are the type to ring before they come round. And I mean usually the day before if not longer. This goes for everyone - we all live in close proximity but we all ring the day before and organise a time. This is just how it's always been. Dhs family are largely the opposite and pils and bil drop in whenever they fancy. Because of how my family are, this is quite a shock to me and I am not enjoying it! People keep turning up at the house whilst I'm here alone with the baby attempting to catch up on sleep, breastfeed etc. the dog goes mental when they come here and won't calm down for me when they're gone. I hate it when I am having a day home alone and am trying to have some peaceful time with the baby and they just descend. I'm not expecting a full days notice but they drive past our estate to get home from work so even if they rang as they were setting off from work and I had ten minutes notice I could at least put a top on before they're knocking on the door. Aibu??? How do I sort this out? I have poor social skills and don't know how to approach this.

As an aside and back to the food situation I am trying my hardest to lose a bit of weight before ds's christening in two weeks and have me and dh's meals for the week prepped and ready to go. They keep bringing dinners round which is great but it means all my plans are to pot! Either their efforts and food are wasted or mine are. I am a bit routine/plan obsessed and hate going off timetable, as well as feeling totally undermined by this. Please help me get round this!

OP posts:

Inarightpickleandchutney · 20/07/2015 16:42

Can you fit a chain to the door as well as a note on the front?

Pinkcloud6 · 20/07/2015 16:43

Just read they let themselves in....yup we had that too. I bolted all doors..my fucking sil would come round the back of the house and look through the windows... I bolted the gates and had a six foot fence put up.
That sil rarely speaks to me now, she said I was selfish as she had planned to share my child and I stopped her being involved. ( she seriously thought we bring up the baby as a team) wtf?

Pinkcloud6 · 20/07/2015 16:46

They will ruin your mat leave. You will find yourself going out to avoid them. They think we'll your home why can't I visit? As a new mum sometimes you just want peace.
My mil appeared at the door once and I said oh we're just going out, well I'm just arriving she said and barged past me! The next time I said oh I've got friend coming... Well I won't stay long she said as she barged past me. That was when I drew the line, and the bolts.

Original poster

tangoisnice · 20/07/2015 16:46

Meta you're right. Me and dh are both timid and I think it's time we both bucked up.

Inaright there is an unused chain in this house somewhere! I am going to have to dig it out.

OP posts:

Snowsquonk · 20/07/2015 16:47

As well as instructing DH to tell them to call first, putting up bolts (or if you leave your key on the inside of the lock that might stop them!) you could also be pro-active and set a day and time when they are invited to visit - so, for example, you could ring/text/email and say something like "as we're getting more settled now I'm likely to be going out and about with the baby so it would be lovely to see you on Thursday at 2pm when I know we've not got plans" and that way you take charge of when they come. If that would work for you. Hope something does!

Original poster

tangoisnice · 20/07/2015 16:51

Pink - she wanted to SHARE your baby? What even is that?! You poor thing. I have been hiding out at my mums house but I can't do that all the time! It's bolt time.

Snow that's a good idea for me to get in touch and set a time and date!

OP posts:

dobbythedoggy · 20/07/2015 16:57

It's fine for people to just pop in if it works for everyone. But at this point in time it understandably doesn't work for you and you shouldn't have to have it forced on you because it's what dh's family have always done. It's perfectly reasonable to want a little notice of visitors. It doesn't sound like you want to stop them visiting, just want to chance to be decent!

When dd was tiny bil walked in on me topless after ignoring dh's warning that I was changing after feeding dd. He was mortified at got screamed at by a very hormonal new mother. Unfortantly he was never taught the most basic of socail expectations so would think nothing of holding his finger on the doorbell or banging constantly on the window until the front door was opened. The local pcso, thier community office is opposite us, scared him half to death when they caught him doing it.

It's lovely that they want to help out. But I can remeber how empowering it felt to get back to the stage where I could organise my own food and house work reliably. For me batch cooking is involved so the freezer is often full. It would really irritate me to have to regually waste food, either made by me or given by someone else.

I think dh needs to have another gentle word. Along the lines of you being happy to see them, as long as you actually are, with a little notice. You don't want to cut them out, just be dressed. If space is an issue for food storage he needs to point that out to them too, so they can ask if you need help or agree they'll bring food once a week and you can fit it into your plan.

He needs to get the key back too if it's not sometheing you're happy with them having. My parents have a key which they do use to let themselves in but they tell me in advance when they're coming and still knock before entering. Makes life easier if dd needs help, the toilet, is in the middle of something when they arrive.

Pinkcloud6 · 20/07/2015 17:05

I know! The problem was it was the first baby born in decades and everyone went off and created there own dream world where they got shares on her. They all seemed upset that actually I wanted her, I was happy for them to visit at weekend when my DH was there but mon - Friday I wanted my own routine. ( they weren't my family and I didn't enjoy being with them)

I had comments like..."I'll be walking her every day in the pram....." errr no that's my pleasure. " I want to teach her how to swim/ ride a bike" etc etc.

It was bloody awful and caused a lot of distress.

liquidrevolution · 20/07/2015 17:24

I think something more than a gentle word is needed. And repeat until it they stop doing it. Tell them you dont want their food, its not needed. I think YOU need to person to do this as they are clearly not listening to your DH. Change your locks and do not give them a spare key.

Dont feel bad for doing this. You need to reset the boundaries for your own sanity.

lalalonglegs · 20/07/2015 17:46

My father comes from a culture where dropping by is completely acceptable (and I quite like it) but it is also perfectly acceptable to put a note on the door saying "We are trying to sleep right now" or some such so visitors know not to try to come in. I don't think you have to be confrontational about it but, if they are used to dropping by and you have never said that it isn't a good time, then they probably don't know that they are unwanted.

Fluffyears · 20/07/2015 18:30

Get a door wedge and plus it under the door so they can't barge in or leave your keys in the lock. I'd be happy to say 'sorry you are disturbing me please leave NOW!' X

DoreenLethal · 20/07/2015 18:36

Sod all the bolts and stuff; just get the lock barrel changed. And your husband needs to actually tell them to back off and stop calling around; and that you have changed the locks it is that serious.

Hygge · 20/07/2015 18:42

I was going to suggest the note as well. I always used to have one on our door that said "please do not knock or disturb, new baby and Mum are sleeping" on it.

This might not work if they just let themselves in, so your DH needs to get that key back.

So I would also suggest sending out a group text every day saying something like "hi all, just letting you know baby and I are catching up on some sleep, so won't be answering the door and the phone will be off. Didn't want anyone trying to get in touch and worrying when they can't reach us xx" or "Hi all, baby and I are working on our feeding routine today and aren't up to visitors, will let you know when it's a more convenient time to visit xx".

But the main thing is your DH must speak to them and tell them that they have to call and check it's convenient, as you are still establishing your routines.

Anon4Now2015 · 20/07/2015 19:16

As others have said - security chain on the inside of the door, "mother and baby sleeping - Do not disturb" sign on the outside.

And if the say anything to you or your DH about it just repeat every time "Oh what a shame. If you let me know in advance I'll make sure I'm awake"

EponasWildDaughter · 20/07/2015 19:17

Yes, all the above.

And please let us know what happens OP

Original poster

tangoisnice · 20/07/2015 20:27

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone I do appreciate the help! I'll be leaving my key in the door and putting a note out from now on.

Dh came home from work and I told him that they'd turned up again today and that he needed to talk to them. So he sent a text to his dad nicely saying 'we appreciate your help with everything but tango needs at least 30 mins notice that you're going round so she can be dressed due to feeding' or something in that vain. No reply!!!! Maybe they are offended? Who cares they need telling!

OP posts:

highkickindandy · 20/07/2015 20:31

they don't need to just give you notice - they need to wait for your reply agreeing - otherwise they'll text to say they're on the way when you may not find it convenient & they'll have arrived before you can stop them

Metacentric · 20/07/2015 20:55

If they turn up, answer the door, tell them you're busy, and close the door in their face. They need telling. People like that get away with it because others are unwilling to be rude. Be rude.

Metacentric · 20/07/2015 20:56

And as highkick says, the point isn't the notice, the point is the "yes, OK".

Train them. If they turn up without your having agreed to their visit, shut the door in their face.

GoooRooo · 20/07/2015 20:58

Tango I think what you've done is right. The key and the note will reinforce the text and hopefully they've got the message.

It's all very well telling you to be rude but at the end of the day they are your in laws and that can be a very difficult and delicate relationship and like you, I'd want to keep everyone as happy as possible without compromising your own sanity and privacy.

Metacentric · 20/07/2015 21:05

I'd want to keep everyone as happy as possible

Why should the OP do that, when the in-laws clearly don't? It's asymmetric: the OP is expected to be polite and pander to the in-laws, while the in-laws can march in at any time and do what they want. They've been told to stop. They haven't. That was the polite part. They obviously don't listen to polite.

GoooRooo · 20/07/2015 21:17

You missed the part where I said without compromising your own sanity and privacy Metacentric.

Because this is (presumably) a life long relationship which involves her DH, their son, and if there is a way to solve it without slamming a door in their face and it blowing up into a huge family feud, surely it's worth trying that first? The polite asking didn't work, now time to stop them entering the house, put out a note and for DH to be more firm with the asking.

Only if they ignored that would I then resort to being rude, and not before DH had had much stronger words with them first.

Metacentric · 20/07/2015 21:25

The polite asking didn't work

Why do people feel the need to pander to people who won't be told? You just say: "Please don't come around without checking it's OK first". Anyone who needs more than that is beyond help, and doesn't deserve politeness. There is no possible way that "please don't come around without checking it's OK first" can be misunderstood other than by the deliberately rude.

GoooRooo · 20/07/2015 21:38

It's not just 'people' though - it's her inlaws. It's a lifetime of uncomfortable conversations and silences and putting her DH in the middle if it blows up out of proportion.

Yes, they are being inconsiderate, but I still think Tango's approach is less bull in a china shop and may work so is worth trying rather first.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 20/07/2015 21:40

My mil appeared at the door once and I said oh we're just going out, well I'm just arriving she said and barged past me! The next time I said oh I've got friend coming... Well I won't stay long she said as she barged past me.

I think I'd have actually been so incensed at that utter invasion of my privacy that I'd have probably slammed and locked the door and stormed off.

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