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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my DC and just run away?

39 replies

QuestioningStuff · 20/07/2015 13:21

Because that's really what I feel like doing. I have DS1 who is 3 and DS2 who is 8 months. It is just us.

I am so down. I cry on and off for most of the day. I hate that my children are being put through this and I have nobody to help. I feel suffocated by where I live. I want to take them and just get on a train somewhere far away and not look back. I really can't see a reason not to right now. Has anyone just left their old life completely behind and it worked?

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 20/07/2015 13:23

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this Thanks do you want to talk about what's going on that's making you feel this way? x

StarsInTheNightSky · 20/07/2015 13:26

Flowers It sounds like you're in a horrible spot at the moment. Would it help to give some more details and see if anyone on here can help at all? I doubt it will help to hear it but yes, DH and I took DS and our pets and left. We now have a whole new life in South America and we're finally happy.x

StarsInTheNightSky · 20/07/2015 13:27

I should add that we also went NC with the vast majority of our families and friends (for very good reasons).

Original poster
QuestioningStuff · 20/07/2015 13:28

I don't know exactly why I feel this way. I left exP a while ago who was abusive and now I'm struggling to stay on top of everything. My family just don't care, my parents are too wrapped up in themselves to notice me screaming for help. I have no friends as ExP cut me off from everyone. My house is a mess, I have nobody to talk to other than a difficult 3 year old.

I know running away won't necessarily solve those problems but that's just what I want to do right now

OP posts:
StarsInTheNightSky · 20/07/2015 13:31

That sounds awful. Do you have a surestart children's centre near you? I've heard a lot of people say how helpful they are. For your parents, the stately homes thread on the relationships board is a great source of knowledge and support.

TheXxed · 20/07/2015 13:34

Have you spoken to your Health Visitor?, a friend of mine was able to get the council to pay for a nursery placement for her DC when she was in a difficult place and needed support.

Lovewearingjeans · 20/07/2015 13:37

Can you go and see your GP? Or talk to your health visitor? It sounds like you have been through a lot, and with a small baby and toddler too. Your hv might be able to put you in touch with home start, who arrange for someone to come round your house and help with the children, while you have a bit of time for you. It's ok to go to these people to ask for help. Flowers

FenellaFellorick · 20/07/2015 13:38

so you have no help and support now and you want to move to where you would have no help and support? You wouldn't be moving closer to people that could be there for you? Or to somewhere you are happy and familiar with? You'd be alone in a new place, still with nobody to talk to except your three year old?

When there, do you think you would be able to get out there and join groups? Be open to meeting people? Do things that would mean you had more interaction with people? How would you get the help that you need and want now but aren't getting?

A fresh start can work. It can. If you think you know what, it actually would feel better to be far enough away from my family that them being there for me is out of the question, instead of me living round the corner from them and knowing they still aren't in my corner. It would be better to know nobody and to start with a clean slate and have people take me as they find me now...

BUT. The risk is that you would be in a new area, where you know nobody, and you wouldn't get out there, you wouldn't go in search of new friendships and you would be in the new house, in the new area, in exactly the same situation you're in now.

If you feel a fresh start is what you need then great, go for it, but you need to be clear on what you would do, once there, that would change your life.

Also, you sound so very very low. Would you consider going to the gp for a chat?

CharlotteCollins · 20/07/2015 13:39

If you're in a place surrounded by memories and the effects of your ex meddling in your life, then yes, I'd say a fresh start could be just the thing you need.

It will need planning, though. Don't just jump on a train and go. The planning will give you a sense of purpose which will help you feel more positive.

Original poster
QuestioningStuff · 20/07/2015 13:40

I found going to the surestart difficult as all the parents are older than me and I feel judged. I really wouldn't like someone I don't know coming to 'help' with my children.

OP posts:
roomwithabroom · 20/07/2015 13:42

Please call the doctor/ health visitor now. It doesn't have to be like this.

I was you and I got help, life does get better x

CharlotteCollins · 20/07/2015 14:02

Ah. Well if you find it hard to accept help from people whose job is to help, then I'm not so sure you will be able to make a fresh start work.

When I was leaving my abusive partner, I leaned on the support of all the professionals I could. I didn't think about being judged. And I only needed their support for six months or so and haven't seen them since, so it wouldn't really matter if I had felt judged.

Original poster
QuestioningStuff · 20/07/2015 14:09

I'm scared what will happen if I go to gp. My kids only have me

OP posts:
StarsInTheNightSky · 20/07/2015 14:12

Is money an issue? Could you afford some private counselling? A lot of counsellors will let you bring your children if you have nobody to leave them with.

Balanced12 · 20/07/2015 14:14

Going to the GP and asking sounds like a positive step for both you and your children do not worry your GP is there to help Flowers

Balanced12 · 20/07/2015 14:15

Going to the GP is scary but it may be one of the best things you ever do for you

Lovewearingjeans · 20/07/2015 14:16

Meds aren't for everyone, but they can help to bring you up a bit.

WoonerismSpit · 20/07/2015 14:18

Whereabouts are you based OP? Some MNetters may know of some helpful baby groups, or places to go

BPDhistory · 20/07/2015 14:19

Not sure how old you are but only going on the ages of people when I was there would you be able to go to a young parents group?

I get the wanting to run away...however it won't necessarily make things better.

I am on my own and moved to a new town... not really a choice I just had to move away from ex. I made myself go to all sorts of parent toddler groups, some I hated , some I tolerated but I did set up a network of people I could rely on.

Can you go to college and use the creche...All these things might help..Like others have said speak to your HV too.

Original poster
QuestioningStuff · 20/07/2015 14:21

I have been on meds before and they made me a lot worse. I know you have to find the right ones but I'm just scared to take that risk because things really can't go wrong right now. I am in east london. I know some people don't care about being judged but I have 2 DC and I'm 19 since I had DS1 at 16 I have been judged constantly and it can grind you down to the point where you just can't take it. I feel like I have to prove myself more than other parents and I don't want to be patronised

OP posts:
FenellaFellorick · 20/07/2015 14:29

If your children only have you then it is even more vital that you put aside feelings of being judged etc and do what is needed in order to ensure that you are able to be the best for them.

They need you.
Which means you need to take care of yourself.

peacefuleasyfeeling · 20/07/2015 14:30

This sounds just like where my mum was at at 19. 50 years ago. Very difficult. I really feel for you and I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Hugs.

StarsInTheNightSky · 20/07/2015 14:37

Could you afford to move elsewhere? It does take careful planning but can sometimes give you the breathing space you need. You could start fresh, in a whole new area, with a whole new set of people to make friends. Settling somewhere else does take effort, but it really can help.
I can't relate to being judges for your age, but when I was pregnant with DS I was apparently a high risk for pnd/generally going off the rails as I'd had very severe PTSD previously. I did feel judged, despite having held down a very lucrative and senior job, and doing some fairly groundbreaking work in my field all across the world, spending time in other countries by personal request of their governments I was still treated like a child.
Even the hv said "oh I'm surprised you're so calm and confident, from your file I thought you'd be a wreck." It is horrible feeling like you're being judged. Flowers

StarsInTheNightSky · 20/07/2015 14:40

Oh yes, and when she saw my car in the drive she commented that my husband must have a great job and that "somebody's a lucky lady" Angry. Anyway, my moaning isn't helpful, sorry. Are there any GPS who would be more sympathetic? You can request a different one, or even change surgery if its possible for you.

TheXxed · 20/07/2015 14:42

I completely understand where you are coming from OP, does your DC1 go to nursery. Having time away from my DS saved my sanity, I would speak to your HV, usually their caseloads are so big they don't have the time to do the head tilt condescending tone thing, just a matter of fact here what we can offer.