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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to explain to DD that she can't go into one friend's house

36 replies

WhitePhantom · 20/07/2015 12:42

There are a few kids in our estate, most of whom come from the kind of families that we're happy for DD (8) to mix with and go to their houses to play.

However there's one kid, let's call him Tom, whose father is a known drug dealer. We're fine with DD playing outside on the green with the kid, but we don't allow her to go to his house.

She's getting cross about not being allowed to go to Tom's house - asking why not, what difference does it make, she's allowed to go to Jack's house so why not Tom's, and so on.

We're obviously not going to get into the real reason, so what do we say instead?

OP posts:
BlueThursday · 20/07/2015 12:44

Do the other parents allow their children to go in?

Do they have any pets or whatever you could use as a bye at the moment?

Original poster
WhitePhantom · 20/07/2015 13:26

I know of one kid who's allowed in, but I don't actually know about the rest - good point.

I've no idea if they have pets, but it's one excuse that definitely couldn't be used by us - we have a dog, a cat, a guinea pig and seven chickens Grin (and DD would have a whole farm in the back garden if she could!!)

OP posts:
The5DayChicken · 20/07/2015 13:28

You could just say that their house is dangerous?

QuiteLikely5 · 20/07/2015 13:32

Say it's dangerous. If she tells Tom why and he tells his father then so bloody be it.

Can't you go a step further and report to the police

SunsetDreamer · 20/07/2015 13:33

You have to be careful - what you say to her will probably be repeated to the child. Then the parents

ActiviaYoghurt · 20/07/2015 13:33

How about just saying that you won't let her to the house because you have never been to the house yourself?

Wolfiefan · 20/07/2015 13:36

Don't want them to disturb his dad?
His dad could be working?

Or because I say so and if you keep pestering you can't go to any of the houses?!

totallybewildered · 20/07/2015 13:36

You don't have to give her a reason. Just tell her you are the adult, and you make the decisions that keep her safe and are the best for her, and some adult decisions are not explained to children. Thats it.

themarigoldsmarigold · 20/07/2015 13:42

Does she know not to put anything in her mouth that looks like a sweet if she doesn't know where it's come from? (Just imagining this little boy wandering out of his house with something he's found in there that he thinks is sweets and sharing them round the kids playing outside.)

RachelRagged · 20/07/2015 13:42

Report it to the police ?

Hmm
Lurkedforever1 · 20/07/2015 13:50

Could you say his dad works from home and you don't want him being disturbed when he's trying to work but feeling under pressure to not be mean asking them to leave? That could genuinely apply to anyone and even if she goes in other houses they work from home you can breezily say some work needs less disturbance than others, which again could be true for any legally employed parent. And even if Tom insists its actually ok I'm sure you have other real life examples of children asking friends home because it's 'ok' but the parent doesn't agree.
However I doubt drug dealing will prove a long term career for him if he's that casual about keeping it hidden it's now common knowledge.

UrethraFranklin1 · 20/07/2015 13:59

Because I'm your mother and I said so. What more do you need to say? Confused

Collaborate · 20/07/2015 15:39

You could always tip off the police. Wouldn't that be the safest thing to do for your community?

WaitingForMe · 20/07/2015 15:44

Its probably worth talking to the police. I used to live next door to absolute scum (think organising cock fighting etc) and while the police were struggling to gather evidence to lock them all away they were able to put me in touch with some support workers who gave wonderful advice and support.

scarlets · 20/07/2015 15:48

You don't need to give a reason. Your decision is final.

When she's past the innocent blabbing stage, you can tell her then.

NellysKnickers · 20/07/2015 15:59

Are you absolutely sure he is dealing drugs? Or is it gossip?

cestlavielife · 20/07/2015 16:09

if he is a known drug dealer then call the police and SS . puts the child at risk.

whothehellknows · 20/07/2015 16:41

I'm not sure you can call the police based on rumor. You can report suspicious activity or drug transactions if you see them, which may give the police the information they need to investigate. But I think forbidding your child to visit is sensible. It's ok to tell her that you aren't allowed to mention why.

maninawomansworld · 20/07/2015 16:48

You don't have to give her a reason. Just tell her you are the adult, and you make the decisions that keep her safe and are the best for her, and some adult decisions are not explained to children. Thats it.

This.. She's a child and there are times that children should just do as they're told, no questions. This is one of those times.

RhiWrites · 20/07/2015 17:25

To those saying there's no need to give a reason please read What Katy Did. Children who don't understand a danger are at risk. 'Because I said so' can lead to defiance and into a dangerous situation.

I think the child should be told the truth.

mrsruffallo · 20/07/2015 17:28

Sometimes decisions are grown up things based on issues that children don't need to discuss. I would probably keep it light and airy but consistent.

Funkingownit · 20/07/2015 17:30

I'm with rhiwrites. This is an opportunity to discuss the danger of drugs. If this is on your doorstep ,she needs to know the risks, even at that young age. I know that if I'm told something I'm more likely to comply if there's an actual reason. Yes, I'm an adult, but I still think it's relevant!

Lurkedforever1 · 20/07/2015 17:31

I agree, because I say so is a really bad reason

Hurr1cane · 20/07/2015 17:36

Reporting to the police won't do anything at all. They aren't really interested in minor dealers at all in my experience.

You'll have to just say that you don't know his parents so you don't want her going in disturbing them.

Hurr1cane · 20/07/2015 17:37

Because I haven't seen the house and I don't know if it's safe?