How to explain to DD that she can't go into one friend's house

[WhitePhantom]

There are a few kids in our estate, most of whom come from the kind of families that we're happy for DD (8) to mix with and go to their houses to play.

However there's one kid, let's call him Tom, whose father is a known drug dealer. We're fine with DD playing outside on the green with the kid, but we don't allow her to go to his house.

She's getting cross about not being allowed to go to Tom's house - asking why not, what difference does it make, she's allowed to go to Jack's house so why not Tom's, and so on.

We're obviously not going to get into the real reason, so what do we say instead?

Can you invite him into your home instead?

I grew up on what I imagine to be the same sort of estate, there were homes that my parents didn't want me to play in, if I was being particularly difficult she would say 'look Pony, everybody's family is different and have their own rules, I don't like some of 'toms family' rules and so I don't want you playing there' - I was and am very questioning so not sure why I just accepted this but I did! Eventually though you just grow up knowing what houses your Mum would let you in. If I'm really honest unless it was a pre-arranged play date my mum was never keen on me being in someone's else's house.

I agree, because I say so is a really bad reason if children don't like it, tough, they are children , they are not capable of understanding adult reasoning and there are things they can't be told. They need to accept that. As adults, we often have to accept we have to follow instructions we don't agree with or understand. Teaching children they are entitled to demand explanations and answers is just unfair, they are not entitled, and you are setting them up for future confrontations and feeling hard done by.

Very interested in the responses.
We have a similar thing but unfortunately the guy in question is an SO.
Completely out of the question to give the real reason under the circumstances so we have simply said that there are only a few houses she can go into (some mums and dad don't like children round all the time) otherwise they play out where everyone can be seen.
Don't make a big deal of it and she will hopefully forget about it.
We have drummed into her though that we always must know where she is and she is never to go into anyone's house (including family) unless she checks with us first.
It is so hard, you want them to take steps towards independence but you want to protect them from the big bad world for as long as possible.

I wasn't allowed to play at one friend's house when I was little. I got the 'because I'm your Mum and I say so' but followed up with 'and if I find out you've ignored me and gone anyway... (None of which I ever really believed, but were oddly effective anyway, as the fact that my Mum could even come up with such horrors proved she was not to be fucked with).

I never questioned it, and I'm pretty sure I just told my friend 'mum sez no'.

I still have no idea why I wasn't to go over. I'll have to ask next time I see my Da. God knows they weren't generally fussy about where I went to play! (accept I wasn't to cross the A-Road on the outskirts of the village, the reasons for which were actually explained, but were stupid and completely unfair and grown ups talk shite and I so could dodge a car doing 60+ on a blind bend.)

Sorry, in short OP I'd vote for the 'because I say so' approach on this one, rather than getting tangled in a made up excuse that might get passed on, or sitting and explaining the reality of the situation a youngster.

Rot totally it seems to be working far better for us than others I see using 'because I say'. As an adult I can unfortunately understand sometimes I have to do things that are without any good reason, but I still resent it. Kids even more so. Tell me to move my car, keep usual living noise down etc because you say and I'll tell you to get stuffed, tell me why and I probably will.
I don't want dd doing things/ not doing things because I said, I want her to do them because she has the skills to make her own decisions. Ops situation is different in that a child won't understand the adult reason why, but I still think her dd is owed a form of explanation.

Thanks for all the replies! I don't like to go with 'because I say so' - I prefer to give a reasoned response, as I always preferred to get as a kid, and usually got. It definitely helped if I understood, or even partly understood, the reason. Just to know that there was a reason, and that it wasn't just my parents being rotten unfair misery bags!!

Most of the reasons suggested won't work for me. I can't use the one about us now knowing them, because we don't personally know all of the parents whose houses she goes into, and we haven't been in them ourselves, but we've a good community around us, very on-the-ball kind of neighbours, so we'd trust each other's judgement on who's who and what they're like.

Tom's mum has told DD it's fine for her to go in as long as it's ok with us, so the one about disturbing him won't work.

She knows to never go anywhere with anyone before checking with us, and she's great to always come and ask, even when she knows the answer is going to be yes. She understands that we must know where she is at all times, and that if she steps out of line on that, she'll be grounded for a LONG time.

Anyway, what I've told her is that I've heard some things about Tom's dad that I don't like, that I'm not going to get into any more detail than that, and that she's not to repeat that to Tom or anyone else.

Re. police, they know alright - the house has been raided a number of times but they've never been able to pin anything on him. He seems to have quietened down lately - a lot fewer of the 5-minute visitors in fast cars coming to his house - but I still don't want her going there.

Thanks everyone!

We'd have told our children the real reason.

They'd stay away from the place from then on and they wouldn't repeat what we'd said.But then myself and DH have worked in these areas so that might be why the kids just accept it.

ecause I say so and if you keep pestering you can't go to any of the houses?!

Yup!

Chances are that Tom's dad is supplying the other parents that your children play with.
Best save up and get away.

Easier said than done I know, but try for your families' sake as you obviously have morals/standards.

You don't have to give a reason, no is enough.