To think DH no longer loves me and I am justified in fucking off.

[MakeThemEatCake]

I've been out, drinking. I came back in a flirty mood because I am drunk...I tried to be flirty with DH of 13 years...he's not interested. I have severe depression and he knows that. I told him another man showed me interest tonight (true). Topless flirting resulted in: "I'm just tired"... he's not interested, right? Should I just quit now, while some dignity remains?

If any men are reading, is that a bad sign? Pathetic to ask, I know.

Glad you are ok Op and can see thinga differently in the cold light of day

If he was definitely looking at porn and that's an issue in the marriage then, that needs sorting.

If it was only a problem because last night he fancies looking at porn more than he fancied having sex with his very drunk wife, I would let it go. He defintley did the right thing, by refusing sex last night.

Hope you feel better soon

country she wasn't tipsy.....she was drunk. She said it herself

She was posting on here coherently enough!

She cant have been that pissed, i wouldn't be able to write that well at 2am while drunk!

Exactly which is why I said tipsy.

Refusing sex with a drunk woman is to be applauded. No doubt he is aware that a woman can be too drunk to consent.

I can type when hammered. I am actually a bit bettwr at typing when drunk

I was drunk, but had been home about an hour when typing the OP and had eaten a quiche, coffee cake and waffles so had started to sober up a tiny bit. It still took me ages to type though as I was worried about it looking like gibberish so took my time!!

I wasn't too drunk to consent but there are slight memory lapses so was a bit more than tipsy. Ultimately, there are issues. We rarely have sex, I never initiate it unless I've had a drink which is occasional. He tries but isn't able to support me with my depression. I personally think he has Aspergers but has never been diagnosed and refuses to. He doesn't work so I'm financially responsible for us all and get resentful. We've had a difficult time for most of our 13 years together - we split up twice at different points but he came back both times and I feel too weak to fight it anymore.

I've had counselling on and off and am having it now for my depression but he refuses to see anyone together, though I've asked him a few times. I honestly am very very unhappy so for now just need to try and focus on getting through each day without thinking very dark thoughts and trying to be there for my son, who is my world.

Thanks for all your opinions, its helped to get my feelings out and looking like something concrete I can reflect on.

OP, you sound like you're having a very hard time so (and for the hangover )
I have depression, that is currently under control but am having a bit of a flare up due to work stresses. I can honestly say that until my depression is under control, my decision making ability is impaired. So, in a sense, it might be best to ignore the relationship issue until you have your own mental health under control (not necessarily gone, but just you have some perspective to see what is a reaction to the real issues and what you are blowing out of proportion in your head).
Have you spoken to your DH about how you're both dealing with your depression and getting some time just for you two (do you have family that could have DS overnight / reliable babysitter so you can go out together?)
I hope I haven't come across as patronising, I have a lot of sympathy for you.

If he isn't a help to you in battling your depression, then he's a hindrance. If he isn't lifting you up, he's dragging you down. If he isn't part of the solution, then he's a part of the problem. You can't just standby and let someone you supposedly love suffer from depression. You must be part of their therapy and a main source of encouragement.

I think, if what you say is true (and I have no reason to doubt you), then you would be better off apart. I may just be that he has problems, too, that aren't best served by the two of you being together. Co-dependence is NOT a good thing.

Think very carefully about what would be the best for you.

Thanks both for your kind words. Lariflete, yes its a hard time at the moment. I've always struggled to be happy due to horrible childhood events, but this right now is so dark, my mind is truly testing me every day! Sorry to hear you're also battling it, wishing you strength and support.
I've tried to speak to him, he just doesn't understand it and tells me to 'think positive' and to think of all the things I have to be grateful for, which just makes me feel guilty. DS won't stay overnight anywhere, MIL would have him over but he won't go anymore, he's so clingy to me but is 12 so not sure how to deal with it. We haven't had a 'date', just the two of us in about 6 years, and we haven't been ANYWHERE as a family for 3 years now I think. I'll just carry on with the counselling and hope it brings some light, thank you for replying.

Acrossthepond you speak sense, I would love him to care a bit more, to ask if he can help, to let me talk to him about how scared I feel when the dark feelings I get overwhelm me. Co-dependence probably is an issue, I feel he needs me as no one else 'gets' him and he'd be alone without me, and I know he has no intention of leaving - he knows I'm too vulnerable right now to up and leave and I don't feel justified enough to do that, I'm a people pleaser and always put others feelings first and unless he was being abusive I would feel too guilty to go.

I suspect the reason your son clings to you is because he feels your deep unhappiness.

I would bet money on the fact that you would find your depression easier to manage if you weren't constantly worrying about your relationship.

I suffer from depression, I know how hard it is to make decisions when your head is in a fog and you genuinely can't see what to do for the best. I really do sympathise.

You are already doing everything by the sounds of it, and if he brings you no emotional comfort then surely you are better off without him - financially too by the sounds of things if he isn't working? Why isn't he working?

It's very sad to read that you will stay, knowing you will be unhappy, because you put his feelings ahead of your own. Why isn't he doing that for you?

Yeah he does sense my unhappiness, he sees me crying when I get unbelievably sad, he hears me get frustrated and impatient and he worries about me, I know he does.

Why isn't DH working...good question. He is a talented musician and is trying to do something related to that, but it all consists of him writing songs and recording them in our room, obviously doesn't bring any money in. He says he can't work because he isn't able to do anything other than min wage and he won't be a slave for the government and make the rich richer when he could be following his dream. Sounds ridiculous but he makes it very hard to argue with, and his parents support this too so he has their backing.

So sorry to hear you have depression too, what a nightmare it is, how are you doing at the moment?

I'm hoping at some point I'll have the strength to make the right decision for me, NOT one that's based on protecting other people's feelings. That is my ultimate personal aim.

Saying no to a drunk woman - smart move
Letting your ill wife (depression IS an illness and a super cripling one at that) support you and your kids so you "don't have to be a slave to the gvt" - total dick move.

How long has he been "following his dream"? Does he do SAHM duties eg cooking cleaning school runs etc?

Honestly, I think you need to send him home to Mummy and Daddy. My DS1 was/is a musician who also chased the dream. But when he turned 25 he realized it wasn't going to happen, despite tours, a recording deal, and 5 CDs. So he got a 'real job' and assumed adult responsibilities and plays gigs on the side. If your H hasn't grown up by now, he isn't going to. Let Mummy and Daddy support him.

Even if he was doing 100% SAHD duties, I'd still say that his not being supportive of you is enough to call it a day.

Hi amylee he hasn't had a job in 11 years, if I bring it up he gets defensive and tells me I should just quit my job as he doesn't think I need to bother and we'll "just have to manage". He does SOME sahd duties, but nowhere near as much as I'd do if it was the other way around.

This has turned into a proper 'relationship' thread hasn't it, I'm feeling like I should get it moved ha!..

Across, he moved out about 6 months ago to his parents and they were happy to have him back, it was agreed that it would be for 2-3 months but he turned up after 5 weeks saying this is his home and that he couldn't stand living there. Ds was so happy to have him home, and I'm so weak and mentally drained that I didn't fight it.
How is your son doing now, does he still want to pursue it?

Oh God. A 'creative' twat who is too important to go and earn his own money. Bloody hell.

If his parents are so supportive - are they helping to pay your mortgage?

My depression is under control, thank you :)

You've been with him 13 years? How long have you been depressed?

Glad it's under control
We rent privately, but no I don't think they'd help with that! They think I should get a better, full time job and are often putting job ads under my nose and telling me I should be doing something where I'm treated better (I work 3 days at a shop where anything goes and I'm basically a skivvy). And they're right, I've trained hard to get decent qualifications but have zero confidence or motivation due to the depression

They never mention about him getting a job! Seems so unequal.

I developed anxiety and ocd after DS was born 12 years ago and just gone downhill since then really, been on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds for about 9 years.

So your anxiety and depression started around the same time he decided that work was for fools and he must follow his dream?

As for his parents shoving better paid jobs under your nose so you can keep their son in the manner he would like, words fail me!

I suggest that yes, you do fuck off. Clearly you are his meal ticket and he has no respect for you at all.

Bin him off and I bet that your depression and anxiety will improve overnight. chuck him out, speak to your landlord to take over the tenancy yourself and then he cant come back as it isnt his home anymore. I know your DS will be unhappy until he gets used to it but thats better than you have a total breakdown isnt it?

Oh god you poor thing :(

I really think you could be one of those cases where if you don't have 14 stone of dead weight hanging about the depression gets easier to manage.

His parents sound horrible, you are simply a means to prop up their son. Yuck yuck yuck.

Make, he's married (no kids, doesn't want them) and has a good job on the 'fringes' of the music industry so he still feels involved with it. He jams with friends and occasionally his old band will get together and play gigs (they were well known and popular in the city he lives in). He feels that he gave 'stardom' his best effort and has no regrets. In other words, he grew up.

His parents sound simply charming. I think they all deserve each other. The weight off your mind and back if he leaves will be unbelievable! Trust me, they don't really want him back. They just put up with it knowing that it would only be temporary. I'll bet if they knew you were 100% done with him and he moved back home, they'd be on him to get a job!!!

^I really think you could be one of those cases where if you don't have 14 stone of dead weight hanging about the depression gets easier to manage.

His parents sound horrible, you are simply a means to prop up their son. Yuck yuck yuck.^

Other people have said this, I feel like my brain has become too distorted to tell if this true.

Bogeyface, if only I had the strength to do all that :( I am hoping in time I'll be able to, I will do. Part of the problem is I don't hate him, not sure if you're familiar with trauma bonding? - I think I have that.

Across, your son sounds like he's doing well. He's managed to balance his love of music with a healthy connection to reality, the best of both worlds essentially :) good on him.

Yes I do think if he was back permanently they'd soon be sick of him not contributing, not sure though tbh as MIL thinks I'm nuts and a drama queen and that he's too good for me!

Just start by picturing your life without him. When you feel dragged down or overwhelmed just calmly tell yourself what you would be doing if he weren't there. You aren't trying to rile yourself up, you're just giving yourself an 'alternate reality' if that makes sense. It's an exercise in convincing yourself how much less stress there would be and how much better off you'd be.

Example; Big pile of dishes in the sink, guess who gets to wash up? As you're doing it tell yourself 'If he wasn't here, there would only be 'XX' number of plates, cups, etc". Living room a mess? Tell yourself "If he wasn't here, I would only be picking up 1/2 this mess". Balancing the checkbook? "If I didn't have to pay XXX for his YYY, I'd have £££ left to spend on myself and DC".

See now the rejecting wouldn't fuss me much . Don't fancy my DP when he is drunk (not often) and wanting sex . Vice versa I think in fact.

However, he went off to watch porn . . Maybe your boobs did turn him on OP . Maybe he just didn't feel comfy with sex with a drunk wife . Would ask if you get drunk a lot but from your thread I cannot see you do .

Thanks across, I will start to look at things that way, its a very good (and logical) method of thinking about options but without the fear of having to make decisions which I'm finding so hard at the mo.

Rachel, you're right drunk partners while we're sober are not that appealing, I'd be the same if it was reversed. No it def doesn't happen a lot!