I can only agree with others who have advised you to break the cycle. You have become the default host, I doubt if it even occurs to BIL/PIL that hosting is anything to do with them now. This Christmas, go to your parents. Start talking about it ASAP so they know to make their own arrangements. On your return, talk enthusiastically about how much you enjoyed the change, and that you're thinking now of doing something different every year, maybe Lapland for the DC next. Doesn't matter if you actually do (or want to do), it just makes it clear to them that you will no longer be hosting Christmas and they need to make their own plans. Ask what they will be doing. All this will hammer home that YOU ARE NOT HOSTING.
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"when HE decides we should all be together then all the stops are pulled out to make him happy (usually with us hosting)."
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"We are expected to drop everything all the time and I'm just fed up of it ."
You can't change them, but you can change you. Just don't host at his behest. He can't force you. And if he tries to guilt you into it, just bat it back to him. 'No that doesn't work for us, you'll have to make other arrangements.' and variations thereof. If PIL want to pull out the stops, fine, but you don't have to. Let them know you're happy to attend whatever they arrange, but sadly no, you're very busy right now and can't possibly spare the time to do it for them but you're sure whatever they arrange themselves will be lovely. Polite, firm, and detached is the way to go.
amothersplaceisinthewrong Sat 18-Jul-15 15:09:19
"These PIL will get elderly and more dependent as time goes on. If you don't act now, you may wake up to find they are living in your house with you as their full time carer with BIL and partner inheriting everything. .... think about what you are prepared to take on and what you don't want to do - it is OK to say no."
This is where I think you should really focus your efforts, because odds on BIL is already taking this for granted. I would possibly start introducing the idea to your PIL, maybe MIL alone at first if you think she would be more receptive. 'MIL, you're 78, it's only sensible to start planning for the future, your recent mini-stroke has brought that home to me. I won't be able to do the level of care that you and FIL might need, and I'm sorry but my children will always come first, so I think you need to start looking into what you want and how you're going to finance that. I'm so glad you have a good chunk of equity in this house, it will give you so much more choice.' And step back having set the cat amongst the pigeons .
"PIL house is worth about £1m . They took out a mortgage on it for £100K to bil for this investment ( not for them). BIL has to meet the repayments for this mortgage. He says that when they pass away the house is his as he pays the mortgage. I think PIL have put the house in his name."
Well if they've put the house in his name, more fool them. I'd probably also casually drop into conversation with BIL that very few people drop down dead in a healthy state, more often death is preceded by years of care and does he plan to sell their house to meet their care costs, or will he be meeting the costs himself and selling the house only once they die? His is, after all, "the oldest child [who] is in charge of the family money." And step back having set that rabbit running .
It is imperative that you start making it clear that you will absolutely not be your PILs carers and that now is the time for them to put their preferred arrangements in place. Assumptions are being made right now, and about more than bloody Christmas.