About my Bil

[Cheesecake1980]

Sorry this could be long but I really need to rant.
Bil has quite a stressful job, away a lot. He has a partner but no children. He also owns quite a few rental properties. He is the busiest man on earth.
My DH is self employed the last few years have been a real struggle but things are turning a corner and the business is starting to do well.
I have 2 children and work for my DH part time from home.
Pil are very wealthy. Have given Bil £150k over the years for his various investment projects (one of which lost £80K).
When we were struggling nobody offered any help. Bil said to me that If DH couldn't make his business work then 'he should give it up & get a proper job'.
We do ALL the hosting for everything. Birthdays christmas etc. Bil & his partner are far too busy to host anything and pick & choose which events they attend.
However, they are very good with my children taking them out etc, but this is very much on their terms when they have time.

Really came to a head the other day when bil was prepared to let my elderly Mil do something because he was far too busy.
I think his way of thinking is cheesecake can do it as she is at home.
I ended up doing it. This happens a lot with either myself or my DH doing stuff because he just can't find the time.
He is very self centered and very much the golden child in my Pil eyes.
DH doesn't seem bothered and just says let him get on with it. With regards to the money he has been given we both view it that my Pil can do what they like with their money and we are not entitled in any way.

But I am getting so fed up with his attitude. Especially after the other day & just don't know how to handle him.

The only person who loves bil more than himself is his partner who treats him like a god.
Not sure if I need advice or just needed to rant. Sorry it's long!

He doesn't make family and family events a priority. That's fair enough. I can't think of anything worse than having to cook and clean after 10 people on Christmas - my only 2 days off in that period of the year. I hate hosting in general and I'm never going to do it just because a SIL thinks I should. I never require people to host me, I'd be happy with going out or staying home doing our own thing. But if I'm invited I might come. As to kids loving a big Christmas - all I remember from my big Christmases is a tired, stressed mother running around after everyone, with not even an hour to sit with me to havea hot chocolate. I had fun but sometimes, even as a small kid, I would have preferred sth quiet.

You're the one choosing to host Christmas, to do so much for everyone. You also sound very insecure, constantly comparing yourself to BIL and SIL. Stop being so overly involved with them. I actually find you very tiring.
As to PIL, it looks like they are favouring BIL. Although it could be that they see the money as an investment. Either way you need to start disengaging and focusing on your family, not BIL. I think you'd all be much happier.

You also sound very judgmental. Just bc they don't have kids doesn't mean they should spend their free time on family. It's their free time. And it does sound like SIL doesn't like you all that much and doesn't want to spend time with you alone. She is perfectly entitled to do that. You have no right to judge or tell another adult how to spend their weekends. Stop being such a martyr. If I were her, I'd distance myself from you too as you seem to have very fixed ideas about what families should be like and what they should do.

Your BiL's relationship w his parents is his affair. If it is not particularly healthy or nice, that's even more reason to disengage.

You don't have to play fair if they don't. You don't have to make up for his shortcomings. You certainly don't have to chase after them hoping for recognition or affection. Be less involved, know less about what they do, spend less time worrying about what they think. Ignore the complaints you'll undoubtedly get when you do this. And you'll be happier and less resentful.

totallybewildered but he does get involved with family stuff. BUT, it is always on his terms, when he has time

That is completely his prerogative, and nothing to do with you.

You are also only involved on your own terms when you have time. If you don't enjoy it, change your terms. Don't blame your Bil. It has nothing to do with him.

totally bewilldered
With the family thing I get what you are saying. But it is a case of when HE decides we should all be together then all the stops are pulled out to make him happy (usually with us hosting). DH gets it but goes along with things for a quite life.
I won't bore you all with other examples of his selfish behaviour over the years.
dynomite I'm sorry if you find me tiring I thought aibu was a place you could have a bit of a rant on.
Nice to get some feedback. I think the advice about stepping back and getting on with my family is the one that I will follow.
Thanks everyone

I am all for breaking the Christmas cycle - just go away with your parents or something.

I am one of 9 children (middle one) and live at a distance. But as I don't have children it was left to me and DH to travel to my parents for Christmas and cook the Christmas Dinner. It started when the youngest DB was 20 yrs old and didn't fancy going home from Uni to spend Christmas with 'elderly parents'. He was at Uni in our city and often spent holidays with us. So we said we would go home also to keep him company - and invite another DB who was a bachelor living 32 miles away. Christmas Dinner was a 7-course meal and quite an occasion (which my parents looked forward to) so it somehow became our expected role - even when these 2 brothers married and wanted Christmas in their own homes. We were planning and shopping for Christmas Dinner for weeks beforehand and then had to travel on 23rd so we had a day to prep. My mother then started to invite another brother and his family "because they couldn't afford a turkey* because DB drank every bit of family money

On Boxing Day we cooked again and laid out a huge buffet for all the family and their children to visit my parents. We catered for up to 50 people. As you can imagine, DH and I were never out of the kitchen with cooking and washing-up. The others sort of arrived, exchanged presents, sat and chatted, ate, played games - and moaned about how tired they were after Christmas Day. I think we got a 'hi' as they arrived and a 'bye' as they left. (No "Thank You", no chatting to us in the kitchen - we were the unpaid skivvies.)

DH and I paid for everything for the 2 days - as well as travelling 150 miles each way with 4 cats, bringing our microwave because DPs didn't have one.

My DH and I didn't ever get a Christmas to ourselves (at home) for 15 years. The cycle was only broken when DH died in 2001. I live with regret!

sadwidow I'm so sorry, that sounds horrendous.
I'm very sorry for your loss

As someone who is quite career focused I do sympathise with bil's attitude to an extent. I doubt he knows that you want to see more of them, or feels he owes the family more time. I also don't think you should expect sil to come to family events without bil - I'd never see my in laws without my dh, surely that's common. What's unfair is the disparity in hosting. I agree with pps who say that you should give bil a job each time or ask to come to his place.

theycallme it's not that I want him to spend more time with the family. Just take his turn in all the shity jobs.
I can't stand his attitude. He thinks he has the most important job in the world (not that wonderful in my opinion). He has no respect that my husband has kept his company afloat during a very hard period. That he doesn't get handouts ( my husbands company would have been a great investment opportunity for pil) and that my husband is looking after a family.
We are expected to drop everything all the time and I'm just fed up of it .

I'm not surprised that you are fed up, he sounds like a PITA, and I would be fed up too. Maybe with your in laws you should think along the lines of only put in what you get out, ie, do they cook meals for you, no, then don't cook for them. Would any of them drive you to a hospital apmt? No, then don't do it for them. Would they host Christmas, no, then don't do that for them. Spend time with people who reciprocate and dont take you for granted. Have a lovely Christmas in your pjs with your dc this year, or go on holiday and look after only yourselves.

Thank you elderflowergin wise words.

Next time he wants family time tell him you are unable to host but are happy to come to him, what time would suit? Put the ball firmly in his court. If he doesn't want to host just shrug and say 'another time then'.

To be honest it's not just about the hosting.
The other day was on his 3rd day of being off. Due to go in the next day.
He was prepared to let my 78 year old sick Mil go on a long train journey to pick up a relative from the airport.
I went in her place, after making arrangements to have the children picked up and leave work early.

Cheesecake, you are enabling this BIL to behave like this by doing things that he should be doing for his parents. Say no to a few things - if he and your DH were prepared to let your MIL go on this journey, you should have let her. She is NOT your responsibility, but that of your DH and your BIL - your DH should be dealing with your Brother in Law and laying a few ground rules down.

These PIL will get elderly and more dependent as time goes on. If you don't act now, you may wake up to find they are living in your house with you as their full time carer with BIL and partner inheriting everything. .... think about what you are prepared to take on and what you don't want to do - it is OK to say no.

You say you are expected to drop everything. Well take a stand and stop doing this. Go on holiday this Xmas with your family - tell the in-laws now so they have a good few months to make their arrangements.

Honestly, I can't endorse what elderflower said strongly enough!

Have a lovely Christmas in your pjs with your dc this year, or go on holiday and look after only yourselves.

YOU are enabling the BIL and SIL by stepping up to the plate. Please STOP rescuing every family scenario. Your MIL might have actually liked having a train journey to meet a relative at the airport. Your MIL wasn't 'picking them up' as I presume they would have travelled back on the train together.

My DM still loves coach journeys (and she is 91 yrs old this year). It's the nattering and chattering she loves. No cares or worries on the journey - someone else is responsible for that. She can't join in the dancing, the day-time tours, nor can she eat the food provided in her half-board long weekends - but she still loves booking her seat so she can have a chatter. She feels independant - and why shouldn't she?

My 91yr old DM is also very ill. In fact we think she is the bionic grandmother as she has had every knee and hip joint replaced, has a heart stent and a pace-maker, has had her eyes 'sorted' (too gross to tell you). I was the rescuer - until I lost DH. Now I am so laid back that I don't even feel like the same person.

I just should have done it whilst DH was still living.

I too think you need to start acting to change the dynamic before PIL get older and frailer.

You need to stand up for the rights of your children to have a happy family unit with you and dh and you not putting yourselves out for all the IL at the drop of the hat. You don't have to become mean and unkind to your PILs just stop taking on BILs failings as a son.

sadwidow28 she was dreading it and very grateful that I went instead of her.
Christmas I would LOVE to go away. However, it is my DM birthday (significant bday). They don't have much spare money & we really couldn't afford to pay for them to come.
Maybe, we should visit them instead.
Thank you everyone for your advice.

cheesecake

I was only offering another possibility for your actions/reactions (as we all do in AIBU).

I cannot stress strongly enough that you need to break the usual pattern

I do wish you well. I wish I had found MN when I was going through my life challenges. But MNetters have kept me out of my toxic family relationships since I asked for help 5 yrs ago - and I am so grateful for that.

Look, you sound very reluctant to change anything. You can't change what BIL and SIL do. You need to start making changes yourself. The way things are going, YOU are going to become the sole, full-time carer of your in-laws. Reading your later posts,I agree he's an arse and I'm sorry if I was a bit rude with my earlier post. But I still think you are overinvolved in your in-laws life. So MIL had a very uncomfortable journey ahead. Let her go!!!! It's your BIL and DH's fault, not yours! And she should have taken it up with her son. When Christmas comes tell them you are not prepared to host and that you'll have it with your parents this year and you'll be happy to see them on Boxing Day for coffee. Or go visit your parents.

YOU have to start saying no or this will slowly get worse and worse.

I know sadwidow28
Believe me I have become much more assertive and picked up some wonderful tips on MN.
I guess I just wanted to rant a bit and be told IANBU.
The good thing is my husband totally agrees with me & we are both going to concentrate on our family unit.
We are even thinking of moving closer to my parents to get away from it all.
to you all for your usual sound advice

Now that does sound like a very good idea.

I think you need PIL to learn to live with the consequences of their decisions - why did MIL agree to go meet relatives at the airport

She agreed to it so why rescue her?

RandomMess she has been brow beaten all her life by BIL & FIL.
DH could not have gone as he had a very important meeting.
She was actually released from hospital 2 weeks ago after suffering a mini stroke.
Maybe BIL was hoping that I would offer (which I did).
I think that you are all right though. The longer it goes on the worse it will be.
I am putting my foot down in a very mumsnet type of way

So your FIL & BIL are both complicit in the whole situation. You really are best off out of it - perhaps you can offer MIL to come and stay on her own with you sometimes?

I think you need to learn to say no. And stop hosting everything! You don't have to.

It's up to you if you host or not . They won't change so it's daft to continue to host if you don't want to.

You can carry on silently seething and resenting them or you could just tell them or tell your DH to tell them that you are not hosting.