Daughter not allowing my mum to see their dad after horrific accident

[brownpaperbag2]

More of what on earth do I or my mum do?!

My mum and her boyfriend lived together for 27 years, but 3-4 years ago my mum instigated a split and they sold up and each bought a 1 bed flat. Subsequently they got back together, and the last 2 years they have seen each other 2-3 times a week, been on holiday together 4 times etc. he has written letters saying how much he loves her and is so happy she is back in his life.

My mums boyfriend has 2 daughters who didn't like my mum. When they split up the eldest daughter was furious at my mum. My mum and her boyfriend are in their 70s and it was seen as unfair that he lost their 3 bed bungalow with garden to each move into a 1 bed flat. My mum hurt her dad and she can't forgive my mum for it.

Since they have been back together my mums boyfriend has been to our family parties and gatherings. Seen a new grandchild born, been at 50th birthdays etc. however, my mum hasn't been to her boyfriend daughters houses at all. Her boyfriend lived with me from age 12 so he is in all but name my step father, he is very much part of our family.

On Saturday he was cycling along a path and fell off his bike into the road and on coming car. He was air lifted to hospital quite far away to the neurological department. He has a broken neck, spine, ribs etc and a nasty head injury. He is not himself, barely conscious and doesn't know who my mum is. He thinks it is 40 years ago and thinks his youngest daughter is his wife, who he divorced over 30 year ago.

I am praying for a full recovery, physically he should but it will be a while. Mentally we just don't know. Clearly his daughters are very distressed. They have been at his bed side everyday. I don't want to cause more upset for them.

However, their hatred of my mum meant they didn't phone her to let her know and refuse to answer her calls. When they found out his sister, their aunt, was giving mum information, they stopped their aunt from coming to the hospital. It was only when he didn't turn up for a date on Sunday and she called round all his friends and family that she found out.

I took her to the hospital (3.5 hours drive away each way) on Tuesday and we were met with coldness. It was clear they were shocked to see us as they assumed my elderly mum couldn't get to the hospital. They said that only 2 people were allowed round the bed, ie she can't be there. So I gave eacha big hug and said how sorry I was for them and which one should I buy a coffee for to allow mum some time as one of the two allowed.

We phoned the hospital yesterday to be told that the daughters had specifically said that only they could be spoken to over the phone with news. Mum is really upset. I was going to take her to the hospital again tomorrow but she said not to as she couldn't face his daughter distain.

It seems so cruel. I have emailed them saying how sorry I am for their worries and how much their dad means to me and my siblings and we will do all we can to support him and them. I said that I was really pleased that after 27 years they were back to seeing each other again and that in time, once he heals, we should all get together. I basically hoped that seeing it written down that we are also part of his life would soften their stance a bit. Not only that, but once he recovers they will have to explain their behaviour to my mum (his partner). Although I did not say that to them specifically.

Sadly, on top of all this, my father is being treated with chemo for cancer, in a different hospital. It is very stressful and I worry for my mum as well as her boyfriend.

What to do?

Sorry to hear this op. My family have a similar set up and my mum is difficult beyond belief, which makes diplomacy ten times harder.

Over the years it has looked as if she wanted all the good parts of being with my step dad (they are married) but washed her hands of any hard parts, while expecting unwavering support to be given to her at all times.

I sympathise with you, trying to advocate for a difficult woman. My sister and I have done this all our lives and I know how hard it is.

Hope your stepdad makes a full recovery.

The sisters sound awful.

It's one thing to dislike or disapprove of your mother.

But they are playing God. They are motivated by spite and the power trip of being able to veto visitors and information.

How dare they say that their father's own sister and step family of 27 years cannot even get information.

Spiteful, cruel and wrong! I hope their father recovers fully and is angry with them.

You are being very, very nice OP and you sound lovely and reasonable.

I think you should back off. Your post that said - any comments over the last 30 plus years regarding weight, house cleanliness, money etc.
That's not mildly annoying - that's extremely irritating - and you said she was rude to him in front of them.
Do you realise from what you have said that your mother is not a nice person ?
(No I don't now anyone involved in this)

Disagree with that Diddl.

The OP said her mum was difficult. Lots of people are difficult. Nonetheless, the OP's stepfather chose to be with her mother for 27 years. They weren't married - he could've walked away anytime. He obviously loves her very much.

It absolutely does not justify the bad behaviour of a pair of spiteful bitches with an agenda

I would bet a lot of money that they are trying to ring fence their Dad's money and assets for fear the OP's family will take over and persuade their Dad to change his will. .

Hold on, so his daughters are also stopping his sister from getting info and visiting? Sod them being distressed, they are being absolute bitches. How awful for your mum and his sister. Well, hopefully once he moves hospital their nastiness will be irrelevant and they can visit.

Maybe there are reasons why they dont want their aunt to visit. Not everybody's relatives are lovely. Or maybe it's because the hospital will only allow 2 visitors and they just want to be with their dad for as much time as they can. I know that when my dad was seriously ill, he only wanted to see my mum and his children. It's possible that they are trying to do what they think he would want but are in the awful position of not being able to ask him because he isnt recognising people.

Your mum's relationship sounds like a friendship rather than a partnership tbh and I don't think she should have 'rights' as such. From the dds pov, she did leave him and although they see each other they haven't chosen to marry or recommit properly by living together or taking steps to give the other a legal right to a say in care.

It sounds like it has been a abusive relationship from both sides and as he doesn't know anyone at this time the daughters are protecting their Dad from any stress which could make his condition worse. Especially if he has swelling or bleeding on the brain. He needs to be kept calm and stable.

Well, good news is that my mums boyfriend has phoned her from his hospital bed, and he remembered her telephone number off by heart! Great news. His brain isn't heeled as he said he was waiting for the midwife to come round. However, he asked the nurses for the phone.

Bad news is that his daughters are still stopping my mum from getting information on the phone and have put the message out that they don't want anyone but family visiting either.

Mum didn't tell her boyfriend this, she doesn't want to upset him at all, he isn't stable and needs a calm life. But, it does prove that what he wants and what his daughters want are very different!

Well, that's progress. Hopefully it won't be long before she is asking the nursing staff why she has not visited. Then they will have to accept his wishes and let her in, no matter what the daughters say!

If he's mentally with it enough to phone her then things become a lot easier. He over rules his daughters. Your mum visits and he can then tell the nurses who he wants to visit and tell them to ignore his daughters. It may be a good thing for the future as it may force him and your mum to think about whether or not they want to document anything formally. Even just telling their GPs to put in their medical summaries that they want each other kept informed and considered as important as next of kin is often enough as an advance directive. Advance directives don't have to be just about how you want to die.
Wills and money are a different issue..

he is asking the nursing staff

Sounds like time to phone the ward and explain the situation? He might be upset that your mum isn't visiting, and who knows how his daughters will choose to explain it...?!

I took the bull by the horns four days ago and called his eldest daughter, who is by far the most anti my mother. I said that my brother, sister and I were really worried about her dad and we couldn't get any information on his progress as the nurses have been told only to give it out to the daughters.

She said that as it was their father then it was nothing to do with us. I said that we loved her dad too as he had been our step father in all but name for 31 years. Only 2 months ago he was on holiday with my family and had been at my brothers 50th last year, at the birth of the new grandchild etc...

I asked to visit in hospital and she said that only two people were allowed round the bed at a time. I said that we could take it in turns, to which she said that the two should only be his daughters.

So she is going to have to explain herself and her actions as she has deliberately been keeping the 'step' side of the family away. She has kept his friends he drinks, plays gold with etc up to date, but won't call either my mum, brother, sister or I back.

I don't think there is anything you can do about this situation until your mum's boyfriend starts to control the situation and say who visits when. All your mum has to do is visit during visiting hours and if she's turned away by the nursing staff explain the situation and ask them to ask the patient what his wishes are. Your stepfather also needs to be made aware of the fact that his daughters have been trying to keep you all away. Your mum can still write to him though and ask the staff to pass on messages to him (as long as she doesn't keep hassling them with messages).
The daughters will soon find they have overplayed their hand and that in the long run it will work against them.

I suspect she believes she is operating from a place of love and protection rather than malice.
If she loves her dad, then she would put what she considers his welfare ahead of her feelings-and she may feel that your mum being around would be stressful for a number of people including him and the results of that could be distressing for him. If your mum is a nightmare difficult then it may be too much stress to over worry about what she would get up to, and I know if my dad were in intensive care I wouldn't want to hand over my spot by his bedside to someone who may end up causing lots of upset and agro that I would then feel I had to make better.