I like my friend but dislike her son.

[DangerGrouse]

We met two years ago at a toddler group and really hit it off. We've been good friends ever since and hang out every week or so with our now 2.5 year old kids. We have really similar personalities and interests and I would really like to find a way of staying friends despite problems starting to arise.
Her son is two months older than my daughter and for the past few months has started to be regularly horrid to her. He's always trying to hurt her, push her over and take away whatever toy she has. My friend rarely disciplines him and so he just continues and I often just have to put my daughter on my lap to keep him off her. I'd worry that telling someone you don't like their parenting would spell the end of a friendship so I'm worried about what to do... Any suggestions?

The friend I distanced myself from is still a friend - our kids don't get on at all now but that's okay.

Another friend of hers did challenge her parenting - in a rage. Their friendship was altered by that and by the friend also distancing herself.

I really like my friend but her ds was properly violent in a way that was quite upsetting - he didn't hit out during a row (normal) but would quite deliberately hurt and then smile.my friend found it very hard to deal with and still does.

I still have a lot of my mum and baby friends, but our kids aren't necessarily close. I see them without kids or in a group with kids.

In your situation I might say 'what are we going to do about x hurting dd?' Or something.

I'm 49, I still remember going with my mum, as a pre school child, to visit an ex neighbour and friend of hers who's son used to be horrible to me. They must have drifted apart or something as I can only then remember visiting again when I much older - maybe it's just that I went to school and therefore didn't visit with her - I can't remember.

Anyway, the point was that if your friend isn't stepping up to the mark and you are uncomfortable about disciplining him further then you either need to cool things a bit or meat where it is harder for him to do anything - i.e. in a café when they are sat at the table and not free playing. maybe suggest an activity type class where there is another adult in charge so that they can discipline him - e.g toddler swimming or that type of thing?

No one believes me when I tell them that my gentle giant 15 yr old son was a total nightmare when he was 2.5

I could go nowhere without him pushing other kids over.

I did however reprimand him. I don't know how much difference it made, but at least the other mothers saw what I was doing.

Luckily with the friends I made when they were all babies, we all told each others children off and I'm still friends with them now.

My advice is to get down and play with them both, they're too young at that age to play by themselves.

I had to stop staying with my friend (she lives miles away) for a long while because the kids didnt get on dd2 didnt want to go we are still friends you shouldnt force child friendships imo

Derek, I think seeing a friend trying to stop her child makes a huge difference - at the very least it opens the door for dialogue.

And totally agree with the playing with them advice - I did that, too (while my friend chatted with other people)!

In the end protect your daughter from being hit. I'd just put her off by saying they don't seem to be getting on very well at the moment and keep in touch by phone. A lot of people have experienced this. It doesn't usually go on for ever.

One of my parenting regrets is continuing to invite a new friend and her horrid dd over. Dd used to cry when I told her about our afternoon plans. Other mum and I drifted anyway. Her dd at school with mine - still horrid - dd gives her a wide berth.

I'm watching with interest as I have a very good friend but her dd is a few months older than my dd and also pushes, hits and shoves her a lot. I find us all going out to soft play or swimming is better than being at one of our houses. Otherwise I just see friend in the evenings without girls!

As someone else says - the difference is whether the mother of the child does something about it. Pushing and shoving happen - they all do it - they're children.
It's when it happens too regularly and nothing is done about it that it becomes a problem.
I have 4 children and I've only encountered this type of situation once. But you can't let it go on

He's not a 'tiny child' he's actually huge and takes great pleasure when he makes my daughter cry.

He seems huge in comparison to your daughter. He is still very, very young. He has not developed empathy and has no understanding that he is causing pain or distress.

I agree with a lot of the advice on this thread. Just address it calmly with your friend. Remember it may be your turn soon for your DD to go through a similar phase with a smaller child.

I've been through this OP, and it is difficult.

My friend's son started being violent and angry and lashing out at anyone and everything around the age of 18 months and it lasted a few years. It was really difficult as we had both just had our 2nd children (on the same day!) and we were juggling and at times struggling.

He did seem to target my son though not exclusively, and at one point my husband suggested we don't see them, but I said feck that and stood by her (she was upset by the behaviour and was doing her best with the skills she had to rectify it, but at that age it really is bloody difficult, there is no reasoning with them)

At one point we managed play group type stuff by just taking it in turns to helipcopter him.

The thing I found most disturbing though was I did start to actively dislke him as a "person" - (and young children are obviously also people, just small ones) and I wondered if I would ever recover from my feelings of dislike for him, which were reluctant because I knew he was so little and it wasn't his "fault" yet I couldn't control or shake the feeling.

I used to say various platitides like "I'm sure he'll turn into a fine young man" to her when she was feeling low about it and you know what - he has. And our friendship has endured.

The phase will probably be short lived in the over all scheme of things - so you need to ask yourself whether she is a true friend you want to have forever or just someone who is around at the moment who you generally like.

It is difficult though.