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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation

109 replies

PaintedTshirt · 14/07/2015 10:13

Never thought I'd be doing one of these, but here it goes!

The wedding is that of (very) extended family, but we all see eachother fairly regularly at events and so. Have known the bride for years, but as I say through extended family on DH's side.

If we (DH and I) hadn't been invited I wouldn't have batted an eyelid, but as it happens DH is invited and I am not. I'm really surprised with how upset I feel Sad. He's only invited to the evening and I know me coming too would make no difference to numbers or cost.

So AIBU to feel like shit? I'm not sure how many of the in laws are invited yet, but at a guess it's everyone except me Sad

OP posts:
Crosbybeach · 14/07/2015 11:09

I really don't think its worth starting a big family spat over. You sort something else to do that night and your DH go and celebrate and not stay too late...

Funkingownit · 14/07/2015 11:20

This happened to me and dh. He was invited, I wasn't. (we invited them both to our wedding, they're not married yet) I think it's incredibly rude and can only hope it happens to them after they've been married a while, see how it feels. Just like those child free weddings; sure, do what you want at your wedding, but when you've got your own kids you're going to feel pretty stupid (I would hope).
YANBU

Original poster
PaintedTshirt · 14/07/2015 11:20

kissme the card was to make it clear that I knew I wasn't invited, I still have no idea why.

Sort something else to do? That'll be staying home with my 2yo and 9mo then. Yay me!

OP posts:
Original poster
PaintedTshirt · 14/07/2015 11:30

On reading that back I've realised, it's the kids isn't it?

I didn't mention them not being invited, because it never acurred to me that they would be (nor would I have wanted them at an evening reception!)

OP posts:
MrsGentlyBenevolent · 14/07/2015 11:45

This is always such a horrid area in terms of wedding planning. I always assume that you invite a couple if they are married or obviously commited. However, if you know one better than the other, and that space could go to one of your 'better known friends', I can see how invites can get a bit, well 'mean' I guess. At least they had a note to explain. Such a catch 22 - you want the perfect day with your nearest and dearest, but then they have their nearest and dearest, and the list suddenly seems to double from nowhere!

Child-free weddings on the other hand, I don't see that as a big deal. Yes it's a pain for some invitees - yes the bride and groom have to accept not all people can come under these circumstances, but if they want an adult only party, they are perfectly entitled to it. Even if they do plan to have their own kids later and find how 'awkward' it is (though highly doubt they would feel 'stupid', I mean who feels like that for having a party without kids?).

Itsbloodyraining · 14/07/2015 11:45

Maybe. But pretty rude to assume you can't make your own child care arrangements.

manicinsomniac · 14/07/2015 11:58

I can definitely see why you're upset about it - it feels like rejection from your husband's family.

But, as a perpetual singleton, I've never quite been sure why it's so rude to only invite one from a couple to something, if you know one better than the other or have limited numbers?

Is it because, once you're married, you don't like to do things without the other one/have less fun if they aren't with you? Do you feel uncomfortable going out without the other one?

AnthonyPandy · 14/07/2015 11:58

*Your DH should simply RSVP

"It is with regret that we cannot accept your invitation. We hope you have a lovely day"*

But change it slightly to WE regret then you have said we three times! Actually, how many times can you say it? Make a sentence with it in ten times.

Lavenderice · 14/07/2015 12:00

I don't believe that's it's personal, that's been explained. I think it would be extremely rude to ask why not and I think your partner should go without you if he wants to.

I also hate all this married couples should be invited to weddings as a couple thing. It demeans other people's relationships.

riverboat1 · 14/07/2015 12:04

I think it's rude not to invite long-term couples as coupkes to weddings. Because wedding are all about celebrating and recognising love and commitment. It is kind of rude and ironic to me to want everyone to celebrate your love and commitment, but not let them do it with their OWN committed partner!

ralphlauren · 14/07/2015 12:06

DH was invited on his own with his friends (no partners) to a wedding years ago.
I was a bit shocked that he wanted to go but it was all down the bride who went or didn't, so by accident of course I wrote the card and gave the bride a new name (very similar).

MaxPepsi · 14/07/2015 12:08

I only invited one half of a couple to my wedding. They weren't married themselves but had 3 kids.

My reason for not inviting him? He's an emotionally abusive twat who treated my friend like shit and no, I didn't want to waste a space/money on someone I couldn't bloody stand.

I did however discuss it with her first and gave her a more toned down reason for his evening only invite. Said I would understand if she didn't want to come. She was secretly delighted and saw it as a first stepping stone to getting rid of him.

I was right not to invite him as well. He turned up early, to check on her, totally shitfaced, pushed a female guest over then started fighting with male guests when they went to help her. Utter wanker! So sometimes it's not about being rude, but about keeping yourself and the majority of your guests happy!

missmoon · 14/07/2015 12:09

I think it's very rude, but, I would just discretely double check that it's not a mistake (maybe through a relative close to the bride & groom). This happened to me once, a cousin got married and my sister and I were the only relatives not to be invited (never mind our DHs). I then received an invitation to a bridal shower closer to the time. I was incredibly upset, but it later transpired that there had been a mistake, and the wedding organiser they had used (who did the invitations) was a bit chaotic and hadn't done them properly.

LL12 · 14/07/2015 12:17

I know of a few weddings where spouses were invited but not girlfriends/boyfriends.

LazyLouLou · 14/07/2015 12:20

Anthny we sit corrected Smile

LazyLouLou · 14/07/2015 12:21

Sorry Anthony

PaperWait · 14/07/2015 12:28

I'm another one who only invited onehalf of a couple to my wedding. We invited DH's lovely work colleague but not her manipulative control freak of a husband, who had been seething with so much misplaced jealousy he had accused his wife of having an affair with my DH at our engagement party!

DH told the colleague in a watered-down way why he wasn't invited (she knew what a twat he was herself in all honesty) and she in turn told her husband that he wasn't invited due to numbers...he forbid her to go!

Besides that, there were plenty of friends OH's that I wasn't particularly close to and could have used the seats for more friends of mine, but I thought it was easier for them to come as a couple and they'd be more relaxed on the day.

So no, I don't think you're being unreasonable, as long as you're 100% sure you haven't pissed this couple off in some way?

KatieScarlettreregged · 14/07/2015 12:37

DH would decline politely, while pointing out his space can now be given to some other non invited partner...

Jackie0 · 14/07/2015 12:41

It's very rude to invite one half of a married couple and your husband should decline.

FishWithABicycle · 14/07/2015 12:51

The note about only the named people being invited was on a little card all on its own.

That definitely means they don't want you there, sorry. The card will only have been added to envelopes that were going to households where some people aren't invited.

If we had one like that then whichever of us was invited would politely decline and think no more of it.

cleanmyhouse · 14/07/2015 13:00

There are some odd ideas flying about.

It's not rude, you are two separate people. I don't understand why people think they're entitled just because they're a couple.

Sallyingforth · 14/07/2015 13:04

Weddings are a celebration of marriage - two people becoming a couple.

Of course it's rude to invite only half of another couple to attend. As if their couple isn't as important as yours.

Decline.

MissBattleaxe · 14/07/2015 13:07

Of course a couple is two separate people! Just because a person is irritated their spouse isn't invited doesn't mean they're needy and dependent. It's just rude.

Even Debrett's says its rude. Nothing to do with being joined at the hip (a phrase that pops up every time this topic does)

Twinkie1 · 14/07/2015 13:09

I think it's the height of bad manners not to invite spouses. Girlfriends/boyfriends maybe as they may not be around for that long but a spouse is completely different.

DH would refuse to attend and I think that's what yours should do.

KatieScarlettreregged · 14/07/2015 13:11

Of course it's not rude to exclude a spouse!
If you were raised by wolves that is...

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