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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she doesn't like me?

53 replies

Mamami · 14/07/2015 09:59

So, the 6 of us in my NCT group usually meet up about once a week or so. We're not super close but get along fine.

One of the women - let's call her S - happens to live on the next road over from my dad (about 15 minutes bus from me).

When the I met up with S and a couple of the other girls yesterday she was very upset about returning to work next week and the end of Mat leave. I wanted to get her some flowers or something and was going to see my dad today anyway so asked what she was up to this afternoon. She said nothing and I said I'd pop in for 15 minutes for a cuppa. She then sent me a message saying: 'hi, hope you're well. I know I said I wasn't doing anything but I selfishly want to spend as much time with my baby alone as possible before returning to work. Hope you understand'. OK, fine. I sent back a nice reply.

This morning she is planning an all day swimming and lunch trip tomorrow with the other girls.

OP posts:
vvega · 14/07/2015 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TobikkoRoll · 14/07/2015 12:22

OP you asked her what she was doing and invited yourself round for a cuppa. I would have probably done the same as get, too slow or embarrassed (for whatever reason) to come up with a "no thank you" hence the text later on.

Have you actually been excluded from the swimming? Or is it assumed you are also going because it's a group chat?

TobikkoRoll · 14/07/2015 12:23

^same as her

fitnessforlife · 14/07/2015 12:24

You were a bit presumptions in telling her you will pop round for a cuppa, i am not doing anything, isn't the same as, i'm available for visitors and you put her on the spot by asking her if she was doing anything first. You should have just asked if you could come round tomorrow, in any case, i can't understand why you didn't just buy the flowers, drop them and be off pronto. That way no need for a cuppa.

fitnessforlife · 14/07/2015 12:26

'presumptuous' even

ConfusedInBath · 14/07/2015 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2015 13:09

It is if it involves 60 mins for tidying up Grin

Daisywellies · 14/07/2015 13:11

I really don't like people dropping round unexpectedly or at short notice. I wish I could be more relaxed about it but I really hate people seeing the place when it's not nice and tidy, or having a planned free and easy day suddenly changed into a 'socialising' one. I would probably come up with a hasty excuse to put someone off as well. It wouldn't mean I didn't like the person or enjoy their company, just that I'd been caught off guard.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/07/2015 13:15

in my experience you have to know someone quite well to just drop in on them at short notice and tell them you're doing this not ask.

I usually ask one neighbour as she can be busy, the other one next to me doesn't mind if I just drop round, they've said so and I've got a few friends who you definitely don't drop round to before asking.

I would think also you're a bit intense and the house probably needs tidying too.

slithytove · 14/07/2015 13:17

I would have found the inviting yourself over rude, and I'd have said anything to put you off.

I need lots of advance warning to have people over! (Have a 2 year old and a 9 month old, a messy house, and unwashed hair :( )

I'm sure that's all it is. Are you invited to the swimming?

vvega · 14/07/2015 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoJo · 14/07/2015 13:25

I agree with everyone else - planning a day out tomorrow in now way negates her desire to spend today quietly at home with her baby before her return to work. I wouldn't read too much into it except that she has a plan for her week and wants to stick to it.

slithytove · 14/07/2015 13:40

Maybe she is like me and struggles to say no, and panicked at the thought of someone calling in, so said anything she could think of.

Nurserywindow · 14/07/2015 13:44

I do agree that the excuse given wasn't really great, and in my view actually came across as a bit rude and snooty. But I think, as slithy said, she probably panicked and just texted the first thing she thought of.

Ashwinder · 14/07/2015 13:54

So you invited yourself over? And because she politely declined you feel she must not like you?

Honestly, YABU. Perhaps her house is a mess, perhaps she does want to spend time with her baby, perhaps she doesn't feel she knows you well enough for a one-on-one conversation without it being awkward.

Bringing her flowers was a lovely thought but I think it would have been better to just pop round and hand them over on the doorstep while assuring her 'can't stay, visiting my dad but just wanted you to have these'. Inviting yourself over always has the potential to be awkward as you've discovered.

SaucyJack · 14/07/2015 13:54

I don't think it was a weird excuse at all- I think it was probably the exact truth. It's just that we're so unused to hearing it.

She's planned to spend the day at home relaxing with just the baby, and doesn't want anyone popping in. Nothing weird about that.

Nurserywindow · 14/07/2015 13:58

I don't think there was anything weird about wanting to just stay at home with the baby, but I think she could have used a better excuse with the OP. It's just a bit too honest imho and is basically telling the OP that 'I just don't want you to come around because I can't be bothered entertaining anyone today'.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/07/2015 14:00

She may not have wanted you to visit her home because it would have meant her making it fit to be seen, which it might not be. I would have far rather met up with people outside of my home when the DSs were tiny, than have people visit and condemn the state of my house!

But otoh, if she has arranged the swimming day and you are the only excluded one, then that says it might be more personal, so I don't know.

Sorry that your nice gesture has been rebuffed and that you are feeling bad. :(

DoJo · 14/07/2015 14:05

basically telling the OP that 'I just don't want you to come around because I can't be bothered entertaining anyone today'.

To be honest, even if someone had used those exact words I wouldn't be offended - which of us hasn't felt like that sometimes? She was honest, knowing you would understand how she felt - that seems like a display of friendship to me.

Nurserywindow · 14/07/2015 14:07

I'd be a bit hurt if someone texted that to me DoJo.

DoJo · 14/07/2015 15:24

Fair enough - it may not be ideal, but if you invite yourself round to someone else's house then you have to be prepared for them to not be in the mood for it, especially if you know that they are having a hard time preparing for a big transition which is going to take its toll on them in the next few days.

JinglyJanglyJungleBigGameTours · 14/07/2015 15:33

YABU - I hate those kind of open ended text questions. It makes it incredibly hard to dodge whatever invite or request the person texting you will hit you with next. I'd say she was being completely honest.

Telling her you were going to pop round was just rude.

Nurserywindow · 14/07/2015 15:59

It would have been better to text 'will you be around this afternoon if I drop over for fifteen minutes'? That way she could just have texted back 'really sorry. I can't do this afternoon, but would definitely love to see you soon' or something else polite and vague.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 14/07/2015 20:59

some people like their house as a personal space and safe place away from people I know my dh does cause we never have anyone round.
however, I do have a friend like yours. every time we arrange to meet there is always a text with long excuses - we are due to meet again soon. No doubt that morning will be another long excuse about not being able to meet. I don't know why people can't just be honest and say sorry you are not my cup of tea!!!

CrapBag · 14/07/2015 21:18

As a one off I'd say you may be over thinking it. Like a PP, I sometimes panic, say yes then on reflection wish I hadn't so will pull out.

If this is a pattern, then you may have a point, but it doesn't read like that. Are you feeling insecure? I'm pretty sure a 'friend' doesn't like me at the moment but there is a long list of stuff that contributes and my feelings are likely valid in that case.

It also reads like you aren't invited swimming? Are you not and everyone else is? Because if you are the only excluded one then yes, that is odd.