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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trying not to be bitter but it sticks in my throat!

65 replies

Bythedowns2 · 13/07/2015 17:47

Currently struggling with money trying to do a house up, we moved 6 months ago, work part time for cost reasons with childcare . dH has good job but average earner. DH was left some money by maternal grandmother when she passed some 20 years ago not masses but our contingency fund. At the time of her passing SIL wasn't born. SIL is on maternity moved in with her partner last year to his house, didn't contribute house as not a penny to her name. House is all done doesn't need anything doing, BIL has trade therefore does lots of private work therefore not putting through official channels. Always mentioning cash they can't pay into accounts etc. anyhow DH said before SIL got with partner he would give her half of the money he was left as his grandmother would want that( even though she wasn't born), SIL got pregnant moved out of home etc etc DH then sid couple of months ago need to sort money out to give to her, last week he gave her this circa £1k . Up till this time she was messaging daily asking for it when she would get it etc. they have not gone and bought half a caravan and she is lining up VIP tables at a nightclub - all over Facebook They are not short of money nor need it. We certainly could, new boiler needed trying to get lounge decorated etc. SIL is type only interested when she wants something. aIBU to feel cheesed off we are holding back on things we need doing as skint whilst this money squandered? DH won't talk about it and says it's gone no something he could take back once he said he was giving to her

OP posts:
BrowersBlues · 13/07/2015 18:26

Put the two of them out of your head completely and focus on your own family. It will be hard at first but you can do it, just block them out of your thoughts. It is not healthy for you to fixate like this, you are making yourself miserable which is bound to affect your family. Let it go.

God knows what is ahead of them. She could die prematurely, something awful could happen to their children and then how would you feel. Just be grateful for what you have got. That type of thinking is only damaging you. Stop it.

Original poster
Bythedowns2 · 13/07/2015 18:27

It's not can't stand her I helped a lot when her dc born but I don't like people who are selfish and she always has been there is never any thought for DH in anything and she is a lot of the time very rude to him, there will oy be contact when she wants something or something doing. Actually I probably am pissed off and I think I have a little right to be that I can't do the things I need to whilst she is pissing it away, I am sure hand on heart you would for a minute too

OP posts:
vvega · 13/07/2015 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spartans · 13/07/2015 18:27

wayne if they are married and he offered it after they were married, it did belong to them both. Morally maybe not, since it's from when he was a child. But they are married and if there were to split it would part of the separation.

Op if you need the obey so bad why is dh still sat on it. Surely she left it to him for a reason. Why is he ok with you both struggling when he has, what you feel is, a lot on long in the bank?

Ilovecrapcrafts · 13/07/2015 18:28

I would be annoyed with your DH OP. 20 years ago £2k would've gone a long way towards refurbishing a house. Now it's nothing.

Original poster
Bythedowns2 · 13/07/2015 18:29

It does seem silly for the value but it's the value to us which is completely different to the value to her, I guess a thanks to DH might have been nice too. But yes browersblues I need to put out of my head. I think coupled with the cash laying around the house comments and tax avoidance it got to a head

OP posts:
elfofftheshelf · 13/07/2015 18:30

Presumably your DH also looks at the knackered boiler, but saw this as more important. It was his to gift and dwelling on it or being resentful isn't going to improve your situation. As others have said, the fact that he managed to hold on to £2k without dipping into it for 20 years (despite saving for a flat etc), suggests it was sentimental. Plus £2k is hardly a life changing amount. Let it go and move on.

Spartans · 13/07/2015 18:31

She wasn't asking weekly for something he didn't have....he did have it surely?

He offered it after you were married and you say it was sat in an account.

Why did he offer her it and not give it to her at the time he offered it?

Original poster
Bythedowns2 · 13/07/2015 18:31

Spartans we left it there as an emergency fund which now our boiler has gone it is! We have always left it there for that reason having managed prior without it. Now boiler is gone it will be used and no contingency fund

OP posts:
Original poster
Bythedowns2 · 13/07/2015 18:33

the money wasn't given straightaway when offered as she didn't mention it again for a while as she was moving out pregnant etc we were moving house which took 6 months. We never touched it as I knew half had to go. As repeated its not a lot to some but to others it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bythedowns2 · 13/07/2015 18:35

Also at time of being offered she was in a lot of debt whilst living at home, then met partner etc etc debt was cleared I think by partner

OP posts:
Spartans · 13/07/2015 18:42

But if he had offered it, surely he would give her it straight away or wait for her to ask. Which she did.

Also you couldn't have spent the money on a boiler. As he had already offered her it. So, judging by what you have said about your dh, he wouldn't have spent it on the boiler anyway as he considered it hers

RhiWrites · 13/07/2015 18:44

OP of I understand you rightly your entire savings/contingency fund was £2k. Your DH offered and then have his sister £1k (half your savings) because 20 years ago he inherited slightly over (how much?) £2k from his grandmother who SIL never knew. She's now spending that cash on fun when to you it represents half your emergency fund now gone.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to resent this.

I inherited £1k from my grandmother 20 years ago. That mkney is gone even though I've earned more money since. I would havc thought your DH would have long ago spent that inheritance money too and so his idea of 'owing' his sister £1k is a notional debt because he felt it was the right thing to do.

But I question if his gran really would have wanted half your savings wiped out so his sis could party. And I don't think he should have done this with family money without your agreement.

A generous gesture that leaves your family low on reserves is not considerate. It's not thoughtful enough of your current situation.

MisForMumNotMaid · 13/07/2015 18:45

The only possible positive outcome is for you to love andrespect your DP just a little more for standing by a promise and comitting to doing what he said he'd do. Whether he sould have said it as your married and it was family money is another issue. But he did and its done.

She's young, no doubt felt he'd dangled a golden carrot infront of her then kept moving it.

Nothing you do is going to get her to buy you a boiler. Anything you say or attitude you adopt could only lead to causing friction and this becoming a bitter dispute from which no one wins.

If you're angry that you need to raise funds to deal with the boiler maybe thats a better place to focus energy - this money is now gone.

ImperialBlether · 13/07/2015 18:49

Your husband sounds a really decent man, OP.

justmyview · 13/07/2015 18:55

I think it's lovely that your DH shared his ineritance with his younger sister, respecting what he thought his DGM would have wanted.

DoesItReallyMatter · 13/07/2015 18:55

I think your DH did the right thing to offer your SIL the money. Her financial situation is completely irrelevant and I don't think you should have considered it all. I think it was a bit silly of your DH to offer the money but then hang on to it.

You don't think she was bugging your DH because she got wind of the fact you didn't think she should have the money?

comingintomyown · 13/07/2015 19:04

Perhaps if she had shown appreciation of your DHs kindness you would be ok it's not the money but her attitude . Be careful not to let your DH know more than once how you feel because it will make you look sour not her look greedy

FanOfHermione · 13/07/2015 19:04

Well tbh I wouldn't expect to get money from someone I have never met because they died before I was born!
I'm amazed that your DH has kept the money for that long too.

So I think your SIL was unreasonable to expect that money and/or to keep it for herself (and to keep on asking for it).

But your DH DID give it to her as he thought it was fair and really he should have put that half somewhere else, not with 'tyour' half of the money, so that it never felt it was 'yours' in the first place iyswim.

Seriouslyffs · 13/07/2015 19:07

STOP
It's never wise to involve yourself in others' finances. Add into the mix inlaws and wills and you have the very real possibility of triggering a family feud. It's not your money and never was. Step right back. I'm not particularly wise and boy do I have issues with my ILs but the only thing to say to your partner about family money when it's not your family^ is, 'you must do what you feel is right.'

Original poster
Bythedowns2 · 13/07/2015 19:14

I understand it was never my money but since I have been with DH for 18 years it technically is mine and my children's . I think DH realises now that it wasn't the best thing to do but as he previously said he would couldn't back out. I think if the boot was on the other foot I would be a bit more gracious and appreciative

OP posts:
Spartans · 13/07/2015 19:19

Just to be clear OP, I think that Dh shouldn't have felt obliged to give her half. But he felt his DGM would have wanted it so he did. Which is a nice thing to do.

But I think your annoyance is misplaced. You should be upset that your dh offered half of your whole savings to sil.

If you offer money to someone and they accept, You give it to them (unless agreed they will ask for it when they want it, which is what she did) and that's that. You can't dictate what they spend it on.

How would you feel if sil offered you money but never actually gave it to you and then you had to ask for it? Then it still doesn't turn up?

Your sil may be a pita, but I cant see that she has done anything wrong here. I think its easier for you to be mad at her, rather than be mad at your dh. You are now stuck without a boiler, when a few months ago you could have replaced it.

Has he given her the money recently?

Spartans · 13/07/2015 19:20

I understand it was never my money but since I have been with DH for 18 years it technically is mine and my children's

Totally agree.

Rainbunny · 13/07/2015 19:44

You own your house, you are both working and getting by. You will fix up your house bit by bit, perhaps not as soon as you'd like but you'll get there. You have a nice sounding DH who has a small inheritance. I think you need to appreciate the things you have instead of being eaten up with envy at other people's situations.

IFinishedTheBiscuits · 13/07/2015 19:49

I think DH realises now that it wasn't the best thing to do but as he previously said he would couldn't back out.

He sounds very loyal. I'm very family oriented and any man who did that would go up in my estimation.

Has he realised it wasn't the best thing to do by himself, or because it caused a huge argument? I would really resent my DH if he tried to interfere in financial matters between me and my siblings (and my family has quite complicated finances - shared business/land/assets etc).

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