I'm on the autistic spectrum and I'm sick of pretending I'm not

[GreenPhone]

I'm 34. Diagnosed as high functioning aspergers years ago but try not to tell people. I hold down a responsible career. I have no debts. I'm doing ok.

But I am sick and tired, exhausted even, of pretending to be normal.

I don't like going on nights outs as I much prefer to spend saturday night on the sofa, either by myself or with ONE other person - warm, cosy, safe ... no pressure to dance, no pressure to stay looking nice ... just being me.

I don't like being in crowded areas. It stresses me out. I don't want to go shopping. I don't want to go and watch the comedian and be pushed and shoved around by other people!!

I don't like socialising in groups. I have nothing to say and am not interested in anything THEY have to say so what's the point in me being there?? leave me out of it!

But it's getting so difficult, I'm becomming less tolerant. I have many failed relationships as I have no interest in compromise of "seeing his point of view" etc etc ... I try but I don't get it!

How can anyone LIKE ready salted crisps?? I don't understand - because I don't like them. I wind myself into a state of annoyance over stuff like this because I just don't understand. Trying to understand makes me annoyed!

Recently DP was concerned that my reclusive behavior might come across as stand-offish to our friends so he told them my 'issues'. Now they don't talk to me - they talk through DP and treat me like I'm severely mentally disabled.

As it stands, I'm currently considering leaving DP because I can't be arsed pretending any longer. AIBU to just, for once, do what I want to do and be who I really am even though it would upset so many people? How can I continue pretending??

OP I am in the same boat as you.
I don't pretend. Wife says I milk it a bit and I am quite blunt. If we are asked to some awful function with loads of strangers I have been know to just come out with something g along the lines of 'oh god no, that sounds awful, I'll stay at home'.
My wife is fantastic and I do try my best to push myself for her benefit but she knows it's a struggle and makes allowances for me -we've been together 15 years and we've found our equilibrium.
It also helps living really remotely with no neighbours for almost a mile and probably only 10 - 15 houses within 4 or 5 miles. Keeps me sane!

LK is spot on about Different Together, the site is explicitly for NT partners. My understanding though is that the whole raison d'être of the site is that the person behind it set it up in response to only ever being able to find so called 'support groups' that in effect were exactly what you describe (wrongly IMO) DT to be - overtly negative, venting and angry.

There is exactly one thread (out of over 25) that is there for NT partners needing to vent. The rest you will find, are partners who are trying to find ways to understand AS better - how it impacts their own partners and their relationships - and to make their own (and their AS partner's) lives better, happier and healthier in the process. It's about working on and keeping relationships together, not driving them apart. Hence the organisation's name - Different Together. Please don't undermine the NT partner's need for this type of support or underestimate the benefits to their AS partners of having it.

Looking forward to Crabby's feedback .

Please don't pretend any more.

I have 5 children and 2 of my children are autistic,I'm also disabled myself.

All of our children,friends and family know that are DS13 and DD7 are both autistic.Our DS and DD both know that they're autistic and they're very open about it,they're not ashamed or embarrassed why should they be,I wouldn't change either of them for the world,but I would change the world for them!

I know that them both being so amazing is in part because they're autistic.When they feel Joy it is palpable,they're both so free and honest and open,it's an amazing way to be and we all love them so much for the way they are.

Your a grown up,if you don't want to socialize don't.There are lots of people that don't like socializing that aren't on the spectrum so there's no reason why you should have to do something that you really don't want to.

You are only responsible for your happiness(if you don't have any children)so do what makes you happy,who cares what anyone else thinks!

It sounds like you would be happier alone - well, with a dog, and of course you wouldn't be alone if you had a dog.

Why not do it? It is not obligatory to couple up & reproduce. Socialising isn't mandatory. Some people prefer more solitary lives, with their pets, and there is nothing wrong with that.

As an animal lover myself, with a big horsey hobby, I know lots of women who live alone except for their animals, which are substitute family. Good for them choosing to live the life they want.

OP I feel like you just described my life. I am not diagnosed but pretty sure I have ASD. DP gets very frustrated with me and we don't have a very happy relationship atm

I am scatty, disorganised, forgetful. I cannot throw anything away. DP is the complete opposite. We row because DP gets stressed out when the house is cluttered and untidy because we have too much stuff to store tidily.

We row because DP hates being late and I am not the best at being early. Being on time I get but being early seems like a waste.

We row because his friends think I am rude because I go into myself in social situations where I feel uncomfortable, whether that be because I don't know the people very well, it's too crowded or noisy or I feel like eyes are on me (for example dancing)

I can't rest until I have gone over things several times. DP likes to storm off in an argument and then pretend nothing has happened. I end up making arguments 10 x worse because I keep bringing them up and going over and over it.

I stress over little things like not being able to find something or yesterday at DPs brother's wedding I heard the split at the back of my dress split. I wanted to take it off to see how bad the damage was. DP said we're missing out just forget about it, you can't tell. But I couldn't rest until I had seen it.

I don't think there's any problem with not wanting to socialise etc.

I do think there's a problem with wanting your partner to do exactly what you want (I'm aware you recognise this). My eldest son is severely autistic & can be very controlling when he is anxious. There are certain rules - he's not allowed to control his brothers & he's not allowed to control things that affect others (eg he can't have all the lights off when it's dark so everyone is falling over each other). This sometimes causes him problems - but it's the reality of living with others. I think you need to decide whether you would prefer to live alone & be completely in control of your space, or live with a partner but maybe seek out help in how to deal with the aspects of that that you find difficult (a counsellor with experience/knowledge about Asperger's maybe?).

For those with autism - would it help to have somewhere to 'chat'? I have offered to help my friend with website set up (friend is trying to raise awareness of adult autism having only been diagnosed a few years ago), and am trying to give consideration as to what is needed.