I'm on the autistic spectrum and I'm sick of pretending I'm not

[GreenPhone]

I'm 34. Diagnosed as high functioning aspergers years ago but try not to tell people. I hold down a responsible career. I have no debts. I'm doing ok.

But I am sick and tired, exhausted even, of pretending to be normal.

I don't like going on nights outs as I much prefer to spend saturday night on the sofa, either by myself or with ONE other person - warm, cosy, safe ... no pressure to dance, no pressure to stay looking nice ... just being me.

I don't like being in crowded areas. It stresses me out. I don't want to go shopping. I don't want to go and watch the comedian and be pushed and shoved around by other people!!

I don't like socialising in groups. I have nothing to say and am not interested in anything THEY have to say so what's the point in me being there?? leave me out of it!

But it's getting so difficult, I'm becomming less tolerant. I have many failed relationships as I have no interest in compromise of "seeing his point of view" etc etc ... I try but I don't get it!

How can anyone LIKE ready salted crisps?? I don't understand - because I don't like them. I wind myself into a state of annoyance over stuff like this because I just don't understand. Trying to understand makes me annoyed!

Recently DP was concerned that my reclusive behavior might come across as stand-offish to our friends so he told them my 'issues'. Now they don't talk to me - they talk through DP and treat me like I'm severely mentally disabled.

As it stands, I'm currently considering leaving DP because I can't be arsed pretending any longer. AIBU to just, for once, do what I want to do and be who I really am even though it would upset so many people? How can I continue pretending??

Are you and your DP compatible? I'm not sure that you are.
And frankly, your 'friends' are dickheads.

While I agree that it's unreasonable to expect 100% compliance, you are allowed to have a relationship that works for you. You can live on your own and still have committed relationships. I knew a married couple when I was a child who lived apart, quite happily. People live all kinds of different successful lives.

You don't have to go out to clubs at 34. It would not be unusual to stop going. You don't have to go shopping. The internet exists. In fact, you don't have to do most things "like a normal person", you just have to figure out what you need to do in your own life to be happy and not harm others, and get on with it. You are not required to have a telly or be interested in things other people are. It's always useful to practice small talk (you can google models of small talk in different scenarios), just like it's useful and easier to wear your knickers under your trousers and other basic signals of belonging.

I have a good social life, mainly conducted in groups of two or three. I don't go to parties and everyone knows this and regards it as my weirdness. A lot of weirdness is acceptable tbh. Never apologise. Never explain. Turn down party invitations, but counter with something more acceptable to you. People are often surprised and pleased to be included in more intimate settings, it turns out.

I don't agree it will help you to tell people. It's up to you, but don't let parents of people with AS guide you here. Go and talk to actual adults with AS. Their experiences and advice often is very different from the accepted truths on MN.

I live with someone who has aspergers and have two autistic children. My life has been very limited socially and emotionally as a result. I try and be understanding but feel that with awareness of the condition my dp should try and understand my point of view too. If you want to live in a family or relationship then you will have to put up with things you find hard. The alternative is to live alone and have a relationship but no living together. This would probably be best for my dp, but it isn't what he wants either.

Hi OP, I am fairly sure I have AS though my GP laughed at me when I asked to be assessed and said 'it is a disease of children!' so I left it at that. But I score around 47 on the AQ.

I am sure you will be reading this thread, well maybe some of it, slowly as you might find it a bit too much info to digest at once (I would - so forgive me if I'm wrong there) but I just wanted to say I can understand how you feel.

Break it down - yes if DP makes you uncomfortable, stop seeing him. That's one thing. Don't go on nights out - I haven't done so for years and I also avoid town, crowded places and so on. I went out with my family yesterday, on a Sunday, for the first time in a long while and I still feel upset and bewildered now by having been in a horrible crowded place and having to engage (or not) with strangers. I feel angry, confused, physically ill.
I think if you can start saying no to things that would be a great start. You are doing fantastically well to hold down a job and adding all the other 'pretending to be normal' stuff on top of that would tip me and a lot of other people, I guess, over the edge.

Don't throw it away because you have taken on too much. Keep what is good, what you can manage and ditch the stuff that does nothing for you.

I manage only by keeping to what I have to do - for the children mostly - and not bothering with the parties, coffee mornings, playgroups, shopping in town and other pointless stuff. I don't have any friends but I have good acquaintances with neighbours, because I have to and can do that quite well.
It is a toss up between joining in and not being quite so lonely but being unhappy - and eventually people noticing I'm weird and avoiding me anyway - and not joining in, feeling infinitely more balanced and comfortable in myself, and being a bit lonely sometimes.

I had to make the decision years ago. It was sad but necessary for me.
Hope you can manage to get through this.

I don't mean to diss coffee mornings and playgroups btw. I am sure people enjoy them - I always get told this, how much fun they are, how much better my life would be - but tbh I think if they are aimed at mums rather than children, then I am Ok not to go (I hope!!) and the children don't seem at all bothered by not going. Ds2 is like me, anyway, so he doesn't care a jot

I hate shopping so I shop online. I would never go into town on a Saturday night, ever!
The things you say you prefer doing aren't unusual surely?

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert, or aspergers, I don't think there's any need to force yourself to be out dancing in a big group if you hate it!

I agree, CrispyFern. OP's general desires are not even unusual! Liking dogs and staying in on the sofa is hardly speaking only in Quenya and attempting to marry the Berlin Wall. And even then...

One thing that can happen with AS is that every aspect of a personality is explained in terms of it and framed as a problem to be addressed: you don't like parties because you have a problem. You don't like shopping because there's something wrong with you. So you must try to go shopping and then you'll be cured!

OP, your preferences are only a problem when they are a problem for you (or harm others). You are doing well. Your life is successful. You are allowed to have preferences. You don't have to justify your personality. NT people are allowed to have them and so are you.

Sophie your GP is an idiot! Find a decent GP and ask for a referral.

Green I find that when I'm stressed and overwhelmed, I become more rigid in my thinking, have a greater need for control and less ability to compromise. If you stopped forcing yourself to do activities that stress you ot and socialise with people you don't like (I'm not surprised, btw - they don't sound very nice!), you might find it easier to compromise in other areas. You don't sound very happy with your DP, though, and he doesn't sound very understanding of your AS.

Would counselling be helpful for you, do you think? Or would you run a mile from it?

It would be hard to live with someone who wouldn't like you having one thing in the kitchen (and that thing a completely normal one that most people have). I expect your DH is doing his best, maybe he is struggling?

Hi OP.

I self diagnosed as AS this year, so not 'officially' on the autistic spectrum, but I have a child with AS and it has just become strikingly obvious to me (and my close family) over the last few years that I am also Aspie.

(I started down the road of getting an official diagnosis, but there is just way too little understanding in my area of women with AS and the way we often learn to mimic/mask growing up, so I gave up after being patronised by a few doctors and thinking 'sod it, I know what I am', and am happy with self diagnosis).

Obviously its different for you, as you have known about your autism for a while, but I am gong through a stage now of trying to work out what things I am just going to not compromise on - what are the things about me that just are about my autism and where I am not willing to fit in - versus what areas of the NT world I really do need to get some help/strategies to manage.

I feel a lot better about things when I reach certain decisions related to the above. For example, I have decided to be quite brutal about social invitations and now turn down quite a few - no excuses, just 'I can't make it'. I have to be self protective, as I find many social occasions exhausting and uncomfortable. However, I do force myself to go to the odd social occasion - mainly things which I know are really important to my DH or close friends/family. I feel much more relaxed and empowered now that I feel in control of what I do or don't do. Saying 'no' to events I am going to find unbearable feels great , but equally, going along to the odd thing that I know will make a loved one happy also feels good - I feel proud of myself.

Its tricky. But I think it is about having really good boundaries with yourself. I'm still learning.

I can relate to every single one of those points, OP, and I don't have Asperger's; I imagine lots of people can. You could blame each and every one of them on your condition or you could just accept that this is how you feel and take some steps to make your world more to your liking. You don't have to explain - and others don't have to listen. You don't have to live with any person if you don't want to, so... don't. Get yourself a dog instead if that will make you happier.

I think though that if you do choose to see people and you do choose to tell them about having Asperger's, then they will make assumptions. They are free to do that, and you are free not to explain or see them. You don't need to explain anything to anybody, ever.

I don't tell people IRL unless I have got to know them very, very well.

I've a friend who was only recently diagnosed (3 years ago aged 47) with HFA, having spent many years believing themselves to be weird, and having had a childhood filled with bullying and being ostracised.

If people are interested, my friend is setting up a support and education programme with focus on adults. If you PM me I can put you in touch.

I'm on the spectrum though not diagnosed (they said I'd developed too many masking behaviours through working in sales).

I found accepting friends who are happy to take me as I am and socialise with me on my terms after I had my DD. I met them through breastfeeding groups. I don't know if my area is unusual, but at least 25% regular attendees and volunteers at our groups are offbeat, and I know of several with ASD.

I've stopped pretending to be normal, in short, and it is so liberating. I still fake interest in their lives but they don't expect me to remember it all, and I co sister that payment for them listening to me when I need to offload. Plus the NT ones actually find my aspie PoV interesting and often funny (I'm assured!). And very few people seem to mind the honesty.

Do a pros and cons list for your current lifestyle/relationship.

I work with adults with AS and know the bulk of people I work with try daily to 'fit in' as that's what society expects. And it's bloody exhausting when it's not natural to you. Us NTs expect way too much if we don't know anyone else isn't like us.

I just wanted to say that I respect and admire all you aspies. I love my job and all your amazing brains.

I'm sure I have Asperger' s. My working life was miserable, I had no interest in any of the things my co-workers found interesting and I found it hard to pretend I did - I'm sure I fooled no-one. It's so much harder for girls/women, we try to mask how we are. I was always watching, imitating constantly one beat behind. Oh the relief when I got home at night a d I could be me. Thank goodness for the one good friend who let me bore for England talk about my special interests without glazing over. OP we come this way but once.....live your life your way

DH filled in the online Aspie tests for me. We 'd started looking into it because DD is almost certainly an Aspie. I could quite cheerfully never leave the house. The idea of going out and 'chatting' to people has no appeal. I try to do it for the dc and I have learnt how to be but it is an act. I care less about fitting in now. People telling me what to do can get lost. I work with men and we don't chat. We have a laugh but it isn't deep.
I like my home. I like my family and I like a few friends but I cannot be chatting on the phone for hours. Texts are my way.
Yanbu (can't remember the question!)

Not sure if this will be helpful, and thought of PMing people but then the numbers grew, so thought I would put it in the open.

A MNr ( not me) has recently set up a website for people with partners of the different mindset, ie NT/AS relationships. I think it needs some more AS as well as NT people. It could really help, both as a venting point for frustration, and to help us all understand more about the other's PoV. And what could make a difference, little things as well as big.

It's called Different Together. Do have a look. Contributions would help get it more widely known and more useful.

That website is explicitly for the partners of people with AS: "Different Together is a safe, supportive and understanding community for the partners of people affected by Asperger Syndrome (AS). If you’ve found us, it is likely that you either know or suspect that your partner has AS and are wondering … what now? We are here for you!"

(emphasis theirs)

The thread it grew from was also explictly and repeatedly focused on neurotypical partners. That's completely fine of course. I would not advise any AS person spend their limited emotional labour on that website. Cui bono.

The curly hair project and The Girl With The Curly Hair are the brain child of Alis Rowe, its aimed specifically at women with Aspergers, its a fabulous website and fb page.

Re: the Different Together site... if that's come from the threads I'm thinking of, then I'd have to agree with Lolo that it's probably not a positive space for Aspies/Auties. The thread in that series that I looked at was very negative about their partners with ASD and their relationships - lots of venting and anger, which is fine and healthy for them, of course, but would be quite upsetting to read for the partners/people with ASD. If the site is aimed at supporting partners then I would imagine a similar atmosphere will develop.

Quite right and sorry. But possible partners might find it useful and not currently angry, I think( not recently checked) .

I've signed up, ancient, and will have a look at the forums.

Good for you. Will be interested in your view. I feel we need the positives accentuated, as well as the difficulties.

One of the problems of women with AS, as evidenced by the OP in fact, is understanding how to draw boundaries. It's a problem for all women frankly, but esp for AS women as often the sense of being broken, awkward, difficult, a problem, is deeply internalised. And so a lot of AS women don't know how to say no, stop, this hurts me and I won't do it, because they understand that this would expose them. Masking the hurt and going towards the intolerable is such a successful coping mechanism in childhood that it's hard to know how to stop doing it as an adult. But coping mechanisms often paradoxically become destructive behaviours once the crisis they evolved to cope with is over.

Going to a forum full of people talking about how broken, awkward, difficult, and problematic you are, inherently and by nature, and spending time in that space (even to defend herself) is absolutely the sort of thing an AS woman would feel compelled and obliged to do, to be "good", to "help", or to "explain". To gain absolution, even.