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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DP and hot drinks?

72 replies

tiredtothebone · 12/07/2015 10:12

Every single time DP makes a hot drink for himself he leaves it on the side with the handle hanging over the edge. Every time I ask him to move it to the back out of reach or I do it myself. Our toddler is very mobile and all it would take is for her to pull it with her hand and she'll be badly injured, not to mention scarred for life.

I don't think I'm being a nag or unreasonable to ask. I scan every situation for possible hazards as I think every parent would.

What do you think?

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 12/07/2015 10:34

I am getting a general feeling, though, that you are the self-appointed arbiter of what is safe in your house and you may not entirely trust him to use his judgement to look after your DD appropriately? Would you say that's fair? I'm not saying you're wrong about any of the examples you've given, but I can see that if I was in his shoes I might start feeling a bit determined to do things my own way Just Because.

Sorry if that sounds as if I'm having a go - I'm not, just trying to put myself in his shoes and see how he might be feeling about this.

Onamissionfor2015 · 12/07/2015 10:35

My dh used to do this, know I will get flamed for this but it worked....

One day he had done it (yet again) and I walked into the kitchen to find dd toddling about while he had nipped to the loo next to the kitchen. I picked the mug up and threw it into the floor then started screaming dd had spilt the coffee all over herself (obviously she was at the other side of the room till I picked her up and stood next to the spillage, in no way would it have touched her) dh came running out the toilet white as a sheet while we checked dd over and realised my some "miracle" not a drop had touched her. Dh got the fright of his life and never done it again and 14 years later he still doesn't know it was really me.

paxtecum · 12/07/2015 10:37

Just google images 'toddlers burnt by hot drinks'.
You DH is being very, very, neglectful, ignorant and arrogant.

No point LTB because he will still be neglectful when he looks after your DD on his own.

My nephew was burnt with a mug of black coffee. He was very ill and scarred for life.

paxtecum · 12/07/2015 10:38

Puntastic: your reply is quite shocking.

Original poster
tiredtothebone · 12/07/2015 10:39

I see where you are coming from Puntastic but I have to make sure my DC comes to no harm. It is his duty too only he doesn't see potential dangers in the same way I do. I would rather tell him all day every day and have him leave me than him put our DC at risk.

He is annoyed, I can see that, but he should be able to understand that hot drinks / boiling water and children don't mix.

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 12/07/2015 10:39

Gosh OP, he sounds selfish and pig headed.

My father was like this and there are several 'hilarious' family stories of him putting baby me in very risky situations through his own selfishness and laziness

When my DH and I have disagreed occasionally about safety matters, I have refused to go along with him whilst not prolonging the argument, because there isn't anything to discuss, I knew I was right and he was being careless. So in your situation I would say 'OK you eat your salted cooking, I am cooking something else for me and our baby'. My dh is generally reasonable and once the argument was out of it he would see my POV and apologise (fil is v stubborn and when v stressed my dh can be, he is mortified later though). Would your dh go against you and still feed it to her though? He sounds really stubborn.

Lweji · 12/07/2015 10:45

Puntastic

You'd really consider continuing to endanger your child "just because"? WOW!

I'm getting a feeling that he is a twat in general, not just this, instead.

Lweji · 12/07/2015 10:46

No point LTB because he will still be neglectful when he looks after your DD on his own.

In fact, maybe take some pictures just in case.

Cynara · 12/07/2015 10:50

I'm a paramedic, and I've seen cases where this has happened. On one occasion a little girl was burned so badly she needed skin grafts. The agony of the children and the utter panic-stricken grief of their parents are unbearable to see. He needs to stop doing this. It's a simple thing for him to change, and it's not ever, ever worth the risk.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 12/07/2015 10:54

you are the self-appointed arbiter of what is safe in your house and you may not entirely trust him to use his judgement to look after your DD appropriately

Yes this might be what the husband perceives. He probably says that OP is "nagging" him about it and stops listening when she tries to explain it to him. So she has to keep telling him again, and he thinks she is nagging again.

However if he does keep showing poor judgement it's hard for the op to trust him to make safety decisions.

So op is left with policing his behaviour, or letting her dc be at risk.

SueGeneris · 12/07/2015 10:55

No. This is just very dangerous.

I can be a bit careless and every so often have left a veg knife at the side of the chopping board rather than out of the way of DC potential reach. DH has pulled me up on this every single time. I am grateful to him and more safety conscious because of him.

Do what you need to do to keep your DC safe.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/07/2015 10:56

Every time I saw a cup left this way Id tip it out. Pans the same. Including the food.

SueGeneris · 12/07/2015 10:57

I agree re tipping away. Better down the sink tham over DC.

SylvanianCaracal · 12/07/2015 11:01

I know someone whose 2yo got permanent scars on her chest and face from pulling down a pan of tomato sauce onto herself.

I think he's not only being U but it sounds like he's maybe being deliberately defiant too because you keep nagging him. That would really piss me off.

Yes I agree show him the images of what it can do and also find some official childcare guidance where it gets mentioned, so you can point out it's not just you being neurotic. I would also be tempted to tell him any hot drink you find within toddler reach will simply get chucked down the sink until he learns.

OP is NOT being the arbiter of what's safe - everyone know this is not safe. Her DP does not get to rule that is IS safe against all official advice.

SylvanianCaracal · 12/07/2015 11:05

Also you could show him this thread.

paulapompom · 12/07/2015 11:06

OP YaNbu imo, there are also incidents of salt overdose affecting children. Why add salt when cooking for children when it's so easy for people to just use a salt shaker at the table?!
Agree with pps - show him what he's risking, for the sake of him knowing best. Flowers

MrsTedCrilly · 12/07/2015 11:18

He is being very unreasonable. Toddlers are fast and resourceful! I feel like a nag with my DP and the stair gate.. We have two and he is always leaving the stair one open. I can't understand as it's not an overreaction, it could be fatal! I hate feeling like a nag. I told him very curtly the other day with tears in my eyes after a near miss and it seems he finally listened.
It's so weird though, he panics about other stuff that aren't very dangerous Confused

putthePuffindown · 12/07/2015 11:28

YANBU

I was burnt by boiling water when I was a toddler and still have the scars. Thankfully it missed my face, but hit my chest, hand and leg. I had to have grafts and there was question whether there was damage beyond cosmetic that would become apparent as I grew. I got teased throughout school and to this day I'm asked about it when I meet new people. It's a lifetime sentence and I know my folks have never really forgiven themselves even though it was an accident.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 12/07/2015 12:28

Your DP is an irresponsible fuckwit. If he is indeed following the thought process described by puntastic, he is a piece of shit. Only pieces of shit put their own desire not to be bossed around ahead of protecting their small children from scalds.

Singsongsung · 12/07/2015 12:31

I was once in a cafe at a table next to a woman with a young child (6 months old maybe) in a high chair. The teapot on their table got knocked over straight onto the baby.

My dh and me were first on the scene and immediately threw our child's water on the baby. The mum was hysterical. The baby ended up being taken to hospital by air ambulance and was in an awful state.
You don't mess with things like that.

DoreenLethal · 12/07/2015 12:34

Complete wanker. Putting his child at risk regularly just to make a point.

Utter wanker.

PuntasticUsername · 12/07/2015 12:42

Excellent. Nice job missing the point, people. You did read my earlier posts where I said - twice - that he was being an idiot about the boiling water risk? And in the same post you were shocked by, where I said I didn't disagree with OP on any of the safety examples she'd given. Great. Carry on being outraged, then.

The point is, this couple has got to a place where they don't seem to be able to communicate and agree on how to solve these very serious issues. It seems as if OP may be getting pushed into the position of being effectively the only grown up in the house, while her DP insists on going his own way for reasons known only to him. I doubt he seriously wants his DD to be injured with boiling water or anything else so the important questions are, how has this couple got to this place and how is that to be solved?

None of these questions will be resolved by the method of pearl-clutching because someone suggested that OP maybe has a think about why her DP might act the way he does. I'm not saying anything is her fault, but she's the one here asking. If he was on the thread then I'd be saying it all to him.

MumOfTheMoment · 12/07/2015 12:46

I have just looked up "toddler scald injuries" and wish I hadn't tbh. I feel sick and my dc toddler years are long gone. What's worse was the mug shots of abusers scattered among the pics Sad

You need to lay it on the line to your dh. I like the fake "near miss" actually.

Hellochicken · 12/07/2015 12:51

Lots of injuries happen in the home.
I'd be v annoyed and be verging on pouring tea down sink.
DH leaves phone charger in floor plug switched on, several times I have had to take end of phone charger out of toddlers mouth. He said you can't get electrocuted this way ?or v low voltage. I said if I see it again I will throw it away, as I have no other way of keeping toddler safe. I cannot check all plug sockets ?day and night.
I have thrown 1 away since. Now he puts them out of reach. He is in all other respects reasonable. I think sometimes it is difficult to grasp the fact that there are serious dangers somewhere you feel so safe clutches at straws

Ps I've hidden his slippers for same trip hazard reason.

annandale · 12/07/2015 12:53

As the sister of someone whose brother fell out of a moving car because my dad was a complete fuckwit about safety, you definitely are in the right. Front burner?? WTF? My mother has only just stopped tying knots in plastic bags and her youngest child won't see 40 again Grin

I guess I agree with puntastic that your current communication isn't working. So say that. Say to him that you feel at your wits' end about this issue, that you feel unable to trust him to look after basic safety with your child, and since he is her dad, you WANT to trust him. What goes through his head when he hears you talk about a safety precaution? Why does he react the way he does? I agree that this is the issue. On all the safety issues you mention, you sound not only right but very much in the mainstream, although I'd admit I'd never thought of the tracksuit bottom thing before. Note that I am generally quite a slack person about children's safety but oddly, I don't regard keeping boiling water and children well away from each other an extreme view Confused