My DD is 4 in a couple of weeks. We are having a party for her little friends. We have invited her nursery friends and her cousins. It is a soft play type thing. We have not invited grandparents and this has clearly irked mil. However, rather than address her annoyance directly, she is being passive aggressive. To avoid drip feeding, the reasons we haven't invited adult family members (including my parents) are: The last time we had a party we did invite the whole family, but FIL carried dd around for the whole party and she didn't get to play with anyone. This upset me and even dh, who is usually oblivious to these things. DH tried to get his dad to leave her alone so that she could play but he wouldn't listen. Secondly, we have been to lots of other parties that have only been for nursery friends and no extended family - surely it is the 'done thing to just have little kids at the party? Thirdly, if we invite one set of grandparents, my parents will want to come. DH'S aunties and uncle's will want to come. That's a lot of adults to cater for. Lastly, there are 24 kids coming - there will not be space for lots of adults.
Anyway, last night MIL suckered me into a conversation about DD's birthday by saying that dd had told her that she was having a party 'just for her friends' and 'how funny that she had obviously got it wrong". I side stepped by saying that the party was just for her friends but on her actual birthday we would like them and the rest of dh's family to come for an evening BBQ. I then went on to tell her that we would be having an early lunch with my parents at their house so thst dd could celebrate with my grandma who is over from France for the first time since DD's birth.(my parents are both on holiday because grandma is over - basically my family is free in the day but DH'S are not as they are working, so I've organised DD's birthday around all of them to ensure they get to see her. MIL responded by saying 'how annoying, it is a good job you told me because I'd booked the day off of work, I will have to cancel it now". I pointed out that she hadn't told us that she had done that and that she never usually books DD's birthday off of work which is why we had planned an evening activity. She then went on to say that, this year, she is unable to take DH'S birthday off so she was going to take DD's instead and 'gatecrash whatever day out we were planning' 
. Obviously, she can't gatecrash lunch with my grandma so now she is pissed off. All because I don't want to invite lots of adults to a child's party. We do lots of days out with them. They get to have dd to stay over whenever they want (I hate dd staying away from me but step back because she enjoys being with her grandparents and I want them to have time with her) but, occasionally, I want some time to have dd to ourselves or to do our own thing. If we had planned a day out for the three of us then mil would have just turned up and insisted on coming along. How do you handle someone so bloody underhand? It's not like I keep dd away. The whole thing is exhausting and I know that, once DD's birthday is out of the way, the same issues will occur over Christmas as they do every year. MIL will want us to spend Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day with them and will start bring passive aggressive and manipulative. I will try and fend them off in order to try and get some time to ourselves and with my own family but will still end up feeling like a bitch when mil gets upset because I say no. I'm fed up. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this but I don't know how to handle it because MIL is so clever in the way she does things. Thanks for reading, I know this is long. I don't want to spoil our holiday by moaning to dh.