AIBU, and if not, how do I handle these people?

[LokiBear]

My DD is 4 in a couple of weeks. We are having a party for her little friends. We have invited her nursery friends and her cousins. It is a soft play type thing. We have not invited grandparents and this has clearly irked mil. However, rather than address her annoyance directly, she is being passive aggressive. To avoid drip feeding, the reasons we haven't invited adult family members (including my parents) are: The last time we had a party we did invite the whole family, but FIL carried dd around for the whole party and she didn't get to play with anyone. This upset me and even dh, who is usually oblivious to these things. DH tried to get his dad to leave her alone so that she could play but he wouldn't listen. Secondly, we have been to lots of other parties that have only been for nursery friends and no extended family - surely it is the 'done thing to just have little kids at the party? Thirdly, if we invite one set of grandparents, my parents will want to come. DH'S aunties and uncle's will want to come. That's a lot of adults to cater for. Lastly, there are 24 kids coming - there will not be space for lots of adults.
Anyway, last night MIL suckered me into a conversation about DD's birthday by saying that dd had told her that she was having a party 'just for her friends' and 'how funny that she had obviously got it wrong". I side stepped by saying that the party was just for her friends but on her actual birthday we would like them and the rest of dh's family to come for an evening BBQ. I then went on to tell her that we would be having an early lunch with my parents at their house so thst dd could celebrate with my grandma who is over from France for the first time since DD's birth.(my parents are both on holiday because grandma is over - basically my family is free in the day but DH'S are not as they are working, so I've organised DD's birthday around all of them to ensure they get to see her. MIL responded by saying 'how annoying, it is a good job you told me because I'd booked the day off of work, I will have to cancel it now". I pointed out that she hadn't told us that she had done that and that she never usually books DD's birthday off of work which is why we had planned an evening activity. She then went on to say that, this year, she is unable to take DH'S birthday off so she was going to take DD's instead and 'gatecrash whatever day out we were planning' . Obviously, she can't gatecrash lunch with my grandma so now she is pissed off. All because I don't want to invite lots of adults to a child's party. We do lots of days out with them. They get to have dd to stay over whenever they want (I hate dd staying away from me but step back because she enjoys being with her grandparents and I want them to have time with her) but, occasionally, I want some time to have dd to ourselves or to do our own thing. If we had planned a day out for the three of us then mil would have just turned up and insisted on coming along. How do you handle someone so bloody underhand? It's not like I keep dd away. The whole thing is exhausting and I know that, once DD's birthday is out of the way, the same issues will occur over Christmas as they do every year. MIL will want us to spend Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day with them and will start bring passive aggressive and manipulative. I will try and fend them off in order to try and get some time to ourselves and with my own family but will still end up feeling like a bitch when mil gets upset because I say no. I'm fed up. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this but I don't know how to handle it because MIL is so clever in the way she does things. Thanks for reading, I know this is long. I don't want to spoil our holiday by moaning to dh.

[LokiBear]

Thank you for your comments. Making me feel better and determined to be stronger and not wobble once I've said no to them.

[saturnvista]

Just be explicit and oblivious to tantrums.

The key is to stop speaking when you've said what you want to say. Don't meander into qualifications. Then repeat it in response to whatever comes next.

'No we've decided that the party is just for children this year I'm afraid.'
...
'Well I'm afraid that we've decided that the party is just for children this year.'

Or:

'I'm glad this has come up because we wouldn't have accepted you gate-crashing our family time. If you wanted to spend time with us you should have spoken to us about it. In future I'd appreciate it if you would check first because we'd hate to see you waste your holidays.'

Or:

We have decided to have Christmas Day in our home. We would love it if you would come but understand if you decide not to....Well, we have decided to have Christmas Day in our home and you are welcome to come.

[IhateMagic]

They know far too much info then. Me and my dh keep our lives pretty private, he has hobbies that nobody else even knows he does (as they would want to tag along and break use his expensive gear). You both need to go on lockdown. No details get divulged without agreement.

[saturnvista]

My PIL are very like this, by the way. If you're going to survive, you need to stop second-guessing yourself and over-thinking it. It has to be water off a duck's back or you will go stir crazy. Ideally your DH would be dealing with them but if he finds it too upsetting, I would do it yourself. Well done for going on holiday as you planned to! Exhausting to hear the comments but again, water off a duck's back. Your MIL has no actual power unless you give it to her.

[capsium]

Also have they any other grandchildren? I doubt they will be able to keep this up with a few...

[catzpyjamas]

I'd be more annoyed about the holiday plans tbh!!

[LokiBear]

They do have other grandchildren but my sils both see their parents daily, live in the same village, want to do everything together. To the detriment of their partners families. I'm not like that with my own parents - I try for an even split. Yet I always feel like the bitch who stole their son away. The holiday almost resulted in us divorcing. I was so angry but dh believed that they didn't know where we were going and that it was n accident. It wasn't. It led to the worst argument dh and I have ever had. He eventually understood but it's been very difficult, especially with the snide comments.

[AlmaMartyr]

YANBU, they sound like a nightmare! You are definitely not unreasonable about the party - we have similar ILs in the family and our policy is to make sure that everyone gets to celebrate with the DCs at some point but we don't invite grandparents to the kids' parties.

Sounds like you're handling them very well. I agree on the information lockdown - my ILs have a tendency to 'follow' us (one example: invited us round for the day, we couldn't come because we'd planned a day out at the beach, they turned up at the beach looking for us - not one they usually go to and they walked all the way down the beach peering behind rocks to find us then pretended it was a shock). Now, we don't tell them anything. If we've booked a holiday, we're vague about where it is etc. It does help although it makes me sad that it is necessary.

[DansonslaCapucine]

Sounds exhausting. Reading this thread has stressed me out.

You need to take control. For this, your dh needs to be on board.

Lots of good advice on this thread. However, it would all be a lot easier if your dh wasn't stuck in the middle but 100% driving your (as in you and he as a couple) idea of where you think boundaries should be set.

[bloodyteenagers]

Stop telling them. Stop telling them your holiday plans. Day out plans and everything else.
Christmas, we are cooking dinner it will be ready at x time you are more than welcome... Oh cannot make it? Oh well.

They want you 3 days over Christmas. No doesn't work for us. Will see you for a few hours on Boxing Day. Doesn't work for you? Ok how about the 29th or the 10th of Jamuary?

Any moaning, a quick you aren't the only family we have. Just repeat until they shut up. Don't tell them you are wherever on Christmas Eve and day.

[LokiBear]

I was almost certain someone would fight mils corner on here. I've seen it on lots of other threads when I think the op is being reasonable. The fact that no one has makes me feel like I'm actually not crazy. Thank you for all of the advice; I am going to stop telling them our plans. I'm also going to be more direct and call mil out when she is being manipulative. Thank you

[marshmallowpies]

The party thing is really frustrating- any grown adult who cant understand that a 4 year old is old enough to want their own party with their own friends, not a lot of boring grown ups, has clearly forgotten what it was like to be a child!

If it wasn't for the obligation to invite so many others, I'd be tempted to say 'sure, come to soft play' and then say 'you're on duty, Grandma!' and have her deal with the vomit, bruised knees, tantrums, etc....hopefully she won't ask for a repeat visit next year.

My ILs are a bit like this over holidays but not in a too-PA way. BIL and his family go away with them every year to the same place and I know MIL is desperate for us to do the same. We want to go to lots of different places while the DCs are still young and MIL just doesn't get why we don't want to always go with them. The place they go, in her eyes, is the ideal family holiday destination, to me it's a week of sheer boredom.

[ilovesooty]

Good for you. I hope your husband supports you.

[AgathaChristie01]

OP, YANBU. Sounds bloody exhausting. It would be very tempting to change the holiday destination, and say nothing. I'm quite sure that isn't feasible, but just picturing their faces when they arrive for the week, and you are miles and miles away . It would be almost worth it.

It sounds very controlling. As someone said upthread most parents endure soft play for the sake of their children, but anyone going along who doesn't have to be there... very strange behaviour.

Hope you can get your DH on board, and succeed in keeping information from them. It's not easy knowing that you have to do that, but, needs must.
and keep your spirits up as best you can.

[ENormaSnob]

You are far too nice.

I would have backed off completely by now.

[grapejuicerocks]

It sounds as if you are doing a great job and it wouldn't be a problem except for the fact you are feeling guilty for putting dh in the middle.

Don't feel guilty. I'm glad that you now feel more empowered because so many of us have told you yanbu.

The booking a holiday 2 minutes away from you is inexcusable, given the conversations that took place beforehand. If she says anything else snidey I'd call her out. "Mil you knew it was important to us that we get a holiday together to bond as a family. We're actually pretty upset that you've booked so close, so please stop with the comments. We'll stick with the one day out together as planned but, yes the rest of the time we do want to be by ourselves" and make sure you do do nothing else with them except say hello, if you bump into them. They put you all in this situation. Don't let them benefit from it at all. If you do then they'll continue trying it on. Eventually they will learn if they never get anywhere with their manipulation. If it gets too bad, can you change destination?

As with a small child, be fair but consistent. Don't buckle under pressure. State your intentions and stick with them.

[littlejohnnydory]

OK - MIL is over involved and presumptuous but your DH needs to stand up to her. You do know that you don't have to cater for the adults at childrens parties? If my parents come to dc's party, they hang around and watch them play with friends and definitely don't get entertained by us or catered for (nor do they expect that).

[JessiePinkMan]

I didn't get right to the end but just to say it's normal for us to have one party for friends & one for family. I'm not sure IL or DPs could handle 24 4 yo running about anyway! Just make it your normal if that's what you want. She sounds controlling, either now to it or don't! Hth

[JessiePinkMan]

Either bow to it or don't

[NewsreaderChic]

My MIL was a bit like this in the beginning, we had a 'oh look we've booked a holiday right near yours' incident before we even had DC's. Dh still to this day thinks it was coincidence, although doesn't think that it's coincidence that they turned up on the first day, saw we had a big villa and stayed with us the remainder of the holiday (a week).

This alerted me to how she was so I was a bit prepared by the time we had dc's. At the time they lived a few hundred miles from us and insisted booking a few days to stay with us when my first baby was due, DH made them stay in a hotel and tried and tried to get them to cancel it when the baby was late. They still came, but on one day they settled down to watch a film taking up all the sofa space leaving an over due me to sit on the floor - it was the straw the broke th camels back and I left in floods of tears. This also turned out to be a good thing because they left, but went to stay with a friend and rang three times a day and on the hour during their eventual drive home to see if the baby had arrived. They did however realise that they'd been inconsiderate.

We also had the 'I only agree to christening to keep you happy, but it must be very low key' incident where lots of their friends 'coincidentally' turned up and she just happened to put on a full spread.

My dc's are now in their teen and it's managable, but still difficult. What I learnt was to never ever ever discuss anything that involves organisation or plans in front of her unless DH and I have thought it through and it's presented to her as finalised. This is down to minor things like who's going to pop to the shop for milk because she has to get involved in everything. Every comment made in her company she answers as if it's addressed to her even when it's clearly not.

It took DH a while to see it, likes yours he's had it all his life. DH is by nature very kind and will generally want help people obviously this is wonderful and one of the things I love about him. I tend to want to push her away he wants a compromise, so Ive had to learn to do that sometimes, it makes me a better person although sometimes she still pushes it (see christening incident). However as she's shown her true colours over the years he has begun to see how manipulative she is. As I've compromised and she has still striven for more and disrespected our wishes DH has become more and more firm with her.

So in general we make a plan, like yours for your dd's birthday that keeps everyon happy, we have no discussions with her and just bat off any hints/passive aggressive comments and then tell her what's going to happen. If she hints or makes comments we just ignor them. All passive aggressive comments we answer as if she means what's she's saying, not what's meant. So 'if I ever get to see the kids' would be met with 'oh don't worry about that you will'.

Lastly she probably won't change too much, but what you can change is how the two of your deal with it, don't let it break you. Our most disastrous row occurred on holiday with her (never to be repeated) and we are on full alert to the fact that she has the ability to drive a wedge between us - probably unwittingly. We now live twenty minutes away from MIl having been at the other end of the country so she's gone from seeing us for so called long weekends (Thurs to Weds is a week in my book) to seeing us very regularly. It still isn't enough to satisfy her, but DH and I discussed this before making the move and I said that even if we moved in with her it still wouldn't be enough. This really struck a cord for DH and he's come to the realisation that he can't make her happy all the time.

[NewsreaderChic]

Goodness that was long - sorry I think I needed to get if off my chest!

[HumptyDumptyBumpty]

OP, I had to check I wasn't in fact your DH, as my mother sounds extremely similar to your MIL. The guilt-tripping into invitations to join us, the inability to compromise, sulking when not pandered to etc.
She also expected us to go to her for every occasion she arbitrarily deems 'special family times', including my birthday, DDs birthday, her birthday, my DSis's birthday, and often my DF (her EX-Husband)'s birthday, Christmas, New Year, Easter, Mothers Day. She had a gigantic tantrum over me not travelling 200 miles to see her on the first Mother's Day after my DD was born.

The result? I don't speak to her any more. She cannot respect my right to privacy and my family and its needs, so she gets excluded entirely. She was not invited to DD's first birthday, as she cannot be counted on to behave like an adult. I was adamant that I was not having her there making a big drama when it's not her birthday. How sad is that? She missed her first grandchild's first birthday because she can't be a grown up.

If it helps, feel free to pretend I'm a friend, and relate this to her - not as a threat, but as a warning. We can only take so much crushing claustrophobia (great phrase) before we snap.

Good luck!

[LokiBear]

Thanks for sharing your stories - nice to know I'm not alone!

[Handsoffmysweets]

OP I can completely sympathise with your situation as it sounds like you married into the same family I did! The Christmas thing really resonates with me and over the years we've had guilt trips, passive aggressive shit and even tears down the phone to try and wear my DH down. What we realised a long time ago is that it's nothing to do with the 'event' itself but more about the control PILs want to have over the rest of the family. It took a while but after many arguments and DH seeing their behaviour for himself, he is now on board and we sing from the same hymn sheet. That song in particular when it comes to their demands is very often 'that won't work for us'. Gaining that ability to say no has given us back the control over ourselves and DC. It's hard but you need to dig your heels in and show them you won't be bullied. Good luck OP!