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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should DH be visiting me more in hospital

58 replies

PyjamasLlamas · 11/07/2015 21:55

So Saturday morning at 2am DH and me come into A&E. I'm 26 weeks pg and was having palpitations and shortness of breath, dizziness , heart racing etc

Got seen and had bloods taken by 3.30. Great. Had to wait 4 hrs for results so 7.30am. Got told HB was 7.5 and needed a blood transfusion and was going to be transferred to labour ward.

I told DH to go his mums and get sleep. DS is there with DH parents. This was at 8.
He comes back at 1 with some food. Falls asleep on chair. Leaves again at 4 when my mum and sister come round. In busy having the blood transfusions. It goes on for hours.

He's not coming back to see me. I'm going to be in overnight as they have to wait to take new bloods and the results etc.

I'm bored and lonely. Sister was here for ages being lovely. DH has nothing to do. His parents are busy looking after DS so h can sleep.

I just feel a bit pissed off that he's so uncaring and can't b bothered to just sit with me being bored but I'm aware hormones may be making me unreasonable.

I should add for full disclosure he's also fasting. So he was fasting from when we came in at 2am until 9.15 this evening.

AIBU to think h could have come more during day to keep me company?

OP posts:
lem73 · 11/07/2015 22:12

He must be exhausted. You are B a little U.

Italiangreyhound · 11/07/2015 22:13

Really sorry you are in hospital, hope all will be well.

I hope your dh will come to see you soon.

Original poster
PyjamasLlamas · 11/07/2015 22:19

Lots of responses thanks.

I'm not fasting...obviously!
Yes it's for Ramadan.

I get that he's tired but so am I. I've slept maybe 2-3 hrs total since 2am.
Sis was here until 8 but it would have been nice for him to be here too. He's been home more than at hospital.

No he's not really looking after DS. His parents (also fasting) have been doing that though he did do bedtime.

I've been all passive aggressive and crap in our conversations but it's obvious I wanted him to come. I've told him I'm bored and lonely. I've said that my sis has been really lovely and helpful just chatting away to me.

Can't sleep yet as waiting for a blood test which was due at 10.

Am in labour ward which is 24 hrs

Think that answers all questions.

I just feel like he can't put my needs before his.

OP posts:
Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 11/07/2015 22:21

Ah ok get, thanks.

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. I wouldn't expect someone to be with me 24/7, it isn't like you've been there alone all day.

If he doesn't come tomorrow, then you would have cause for complaint.

ohtheholidays · 11/07/2015 22:22

I don't feel it is different if your in hospital loads like a previous poster said.It's even worse if you have to go in to hospital a lot believe me I know.

He must be finding it hard with the fasting,especially with the heat we've been having.But I don't think YABU.I can get rushed into hospital at any time and we have 5DC,but my DH would be by my side for hours on end bless him and I'm really grateful for that.

Getthewonderwebout · 11/07/2015 22:23

OP, definitely speak to him. It's upset you and rightly so. It sounds to me that he's been unthinking rather than an arse. But the end result is the same.

Don't do it now though. Get yourself better and home. Then raise it with him so that he is crystal clear for the future.

lem73 · 11/07/2015 22:24

Where has he been when he's not with you? Sleeping perhaps? If he wasn't fasting I'd say he should suck up the lack of sleep but fasting really exhausts people.

Original poster
PyjamasLlamas · 11/07/2015 22:26

I think I prob am a bit unreasonable but he's just so laid back about it all and actually th blood transfusions sucks, the cannula is killing me (haha I know labour soon) last night I was so scared I thought I was having a heart attack. I'm miserable because I'm so weak and exhausted not just tonight but always. (Now I know it was the HB level). I'm just having a rubbish pregnancy all round and he can't even sit with me

OP posts:
Original poster
PyjamasLlamas · 11/07/2015 22:27

But yes I am being a bit precious about it all I suppose

OP posts:
lem73 · 11/07/2015 22:27

On the other hand, I think under the circumstances my dh would have broken his fast so he'd have the energy to cope but not everyone is the same.

LittleBearPad · 11/07/2015 22:31

Are you sure he hadn't with DC1 who must be wondering where his mum is.

I'm sorry I think you're being a tad unreasonable.

AuditAngel · 11/07/2015 22:37

Pyjamas I know exactly how you feel. I had complications in my second and third pregnancies. I was in for 4 weeks with DD1; and a total of 6 weeks with DD2.

I often felt that DH should make more effort, some days he didn't come and see me at all, but he was also working and trying to ensure he could still take leave when the baby was born.

Make sure he brings you in things to keep you busy, books, magazines etc.

Good luck

Original poster
PyjamasLlamas · 11/07/2015 22:38

Thanks for giving me some perspective everybody

OP posts:
lem73 · 11/07/2015 23:15

Sitting in hospital is incredibly boring so I understand you want a bit of pampering or attention. It is crap they have put you on a labour ward as you really need a bit of rest. Could you try asking for a move? Get well soon and good luck with the pregnancy Flowers

Bellebella · 11/07/2015 23:21

Ultimately though when you do go in labour and have had the baby, you will be on the recovery ward alone so nights at hospitals can be lonely.

While I can see you want support, it's not absolutely necessary for him to be there, you are getting company during the day and he is visiting.

I can see though that you are fed up, as most would be so that is clouding the issue. Just try and get some sleep maybe?

findingmyfeet12 · 11/07/2015 23:21

Congratulations on the pregnancy.

It sounds like he's been with you quite a bit since you've been in hospital. I think YABU (a little).

AndNowItsSeven · 11/07/2015 23:29

Fasting is not obligatory during Ramadam as your dh will well know. He needs to stop fasting and put you and his unborn child first.

ASettlerOfCatan · 11/07/2015 23:35

Tell him OP. If you are being vague about if you want him there he will stay home because: tired and fasting and also maybe thinking you need sleep as well.

Doesn't matter if you feel you abu or not. Doesn't matter if it's hormones. If you want him there just tell him you need him to come be with you a while.

DixieNormas · 11/07/2015 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iniquity · 11/07/2015 23:48

I was in hospital recently and my fasting dh was there as much as he could which surprised me as he is often uncaring. I think yanbu.. Culturally Muslims are very good when someone is very unwell.

Teabagbeforemilk · 12/07/2015 06:31

I don't think Yabu to want him there. But I think Yabu to be passive aggressive but not actually tell him what you want. Then getting upset that he hasn't guessed.

I hope you got some rest and feel a bit better this morning.

Original poster
PyjamasLlamas · 12/07/2015 08:13

Well I've been on labour ward all night. Hardly got any sleep understandably...not just bcaise of all the labour (!) but my god midwives are loud and chatty in the middle of the night. So many 'hilarious' conversations.

Am waiting for results of blood test to see of transfusion worked. Doctors around at 9 (read 11). No word from DH yet.

I don't want to get into a discussion about his fasting. He's normally very stoic about it and never complains.

I was passive aggressive maybe but at one point I did specifically text can you come for a bit after you eat and when we spoke he said is it alrigh if I don't come? What can I say to tha except no worries ok see you in the morning.

I find he's not great in a crisis (not tha this was one). Labour wih DS1 was horrendous and although DH was 'there' he wasn't especially 'present'.

But still I am being a bit precious. There's a woman opposite me bleeding at 30 weeks and having contractions. She's been here since I have and It's all very tense as to whether she'll have to have an op so I know I'm being silly with being bored over a blood transfusion (still horrible)

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 12/07/2015 08:35

I remember the midwives chatting really loudly in the middle of the night. Yes, I know you're all marvellous, safely delivering babies and all that, but please pipe down after 10pm!

Has he been in touch by text, phone, FB etc? What's he normally like when you're poorly?

Icimoi · 12/07/2015 08:42

He was with you for 9 hours out of 20 (by the time you first posted) and he may have felt that if your sister was with you then he wasn't needed. Would the hospital have even allowed him in after 10 pm, which is presumably when he would have arrived if he came in after eating? I know you were tired also, but at least you were in bed. To be honest, if I'd been up most of Friday/Saturday night, then by 10 pm the last thing I would have wanted would be to make conversation with DH.

I hope your bloods are fine today and you can go home and rest.

Artandco · 12/07/2015 08:43

I think the midwifes are loud and chatty to keep themselves awake! They need to be awake and fit enough during the night to deal with an emergency if it happens 5 mins later

If you need to stay in still can you get someone to bring you headphones and music? Then you can listen to that to ignore the other noises easier

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