To be upset that my two close friends, whom I introduced to each other are now besties and I'm left out?

[Youloveit]

I have been friends with A for about 5 years. We live in the same road and I have for the past couple of years considered her to be one of my best friends.

I have known B for longer - around 10 years - and until recently she lived across the other side of town. I too have considered her to be one of my best friends.

A and B hadn't met until B moved into the same road as A and I a year ago. When B moved here I invited her round a few times when A was here, and was happy when they got on well. B's child was due to start in reception at the school that my children and A's children attend so I thought it would be nice for B to know some other parents.

However over the past 6 months they have increasingly done more and more together, and they both seem to not particularly want to see me. They have joined a gym together and go to classes there. Neither asked me if I wanted to join too. They have also had a couple of days out in school holidays with their kids, but not asked my kids and I if we would like to go. Today I have seen on Facebook that they've gone to London to see a show :-/ Plus lots of other coffees and nights out.

It's fine with me that they get on, and fine that they're friends but I'm so upset about how they keep leaving me out and never including me. I don't understand why. If I suggest things they are always too busy or bail out at the last minute. I actually saw B yesterday during the school run and suggested having a coffee next week and she muttered about checking her diary and couldn't get away quickly enough. I don't think either of them like me enough anymore to do things like go to a gym with me or go to London with me. They are both quite offhand with me when I do see them.

I have other friends of course, but these two were my best friends and I'm gutted that they have both just dumped me.

I'm so sorry that's happened to you. I know we're all grown ups and everything, but it takes you straight back to the playground, doesn't it. I really feel for you, I've been there myself and it is not nice.

It'll feel better soon. Join some new groups, put yourself out there a bit and you'll start to move on. Bless you

Of course they realise. They make excuses not to be available.

Why should the OP open herself to humiliation by asking?

Walk away OP, and show them you don't need them.

I have also been in this position [and posted about it here on MN].

Similar situation to grumpasaur in that a group of three very quickly turned into a group of two with friend B so far up friend A's arse that it was almost impossible to find a way to socialise with friend A [my original friend] without friend B finding a way to include herself somehow.

And yes, in a situation like this FB is the work of the devil. I could have lived with the situation more comfortably of I didn't have to be confronted with FB photos of their nights out together, the excursions with their children, all of which I was never told about or invited to.

I dealt with it by concentrating on other friends and only interacting with these two in a very breezy and friendly but slightly distant way. I actually find it sort of funny now, I can tell when they are planning to do something together but don't want to tell me about it... for example I will ask politely what they are doing over the weekend and they will studiously avoid looking at each other but both say something about planning to hold or attend a BBQ and they will just look slightly strained. I will say oh that sounds nice, hope you have a lovely time, blah, blah...and then low and behold the photos of the two of them at the BBQ will emerge on FB over the course of the next week.

I'm quite 'whatever' about it now but it did hurt initially when I started to realise that I was being phased out. And I do think I was 'helened' by friend B but that's a whole other story.

All I can say is spend your time with your other friends and don't rely on your friend A & B for social interaction. Leave them to enjoy each other's company and maybe meet one or the other for a coffee on occasion for old time's sake. And who knows, when the newness wears off their relationship they might just have more time for you. Of course you will probably have long moved on by then

I wouldn't ask either OP-it puts you in a "one down" position. Let them ask you if they are bothered.

OP-there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. As you can see other people have had similar experiences.
Don't do anything dramatic-keep it light but build up a life with other friends.
It does take you back to the playground and its very unpleasant.

Sometimes people cant like eachother without there being an "enemy". Ii've never understood that. Although mybe you have done something and you dont know what it is. Maybe youve made comments about each of the to the other person? And they've swapped stories? In any case some people are just friend hoppers!!! Or they need a little bit of a narrative for themselves and their lives

Also OP very intense friendships have a way of imploding-watch and wait.

Totally sucks.

I honestly think the best you can do us organise tons of stuff with other friends and pretend not to care about those two. Fake it til you make it. And I bet you'll find that when you DO make it, ie genuinely stop minding so much about them, one or the other will come crawling back.

Just wanted to offer my sympathy too, OP - this is a rotten experience to go through. Not only have you lost the company of your two long-term friends, but you are left with no-one close in RL to share this with and support you - it's a double whammy. Friends are so important for self-esteem and happiness that it really leaves you bereft when this happens.

I really think, in this situation, that you've got to let yourself feel anger over this and realise that these people were not what you thought they were. Let your
pride come to your rescue and don't let them see how much they have hurt you with their rejection and lack of interest.. As others have suggested, don't look at any Facebook photos and make a determined effort to start again and make new friendships, both by yourself and with the children. You are obviously good at making friends and will make other, better friends to replace these two. This pair didn't deserve your friendship.

This happened to me in the last year of school. Days before Facebook though but they were seen doing various things I never even knew about. They then openly admitted it to my face that they enjoyed doing stuff together without me. Hurt like hell. I dont see how my presence would have detracted from them enjoying each others company, espeespeciespeciallyas my best friend had never really liked the other one and used to slag her off. Final straw was us going on holiday together where they literally ran away from me and locked me out of the bedroom where all my stuff was.

I wouldn't bother with them tbh. If they want not act like immature dicks then let them. Do stuff with your other friends.

Have a party for the rest of your street and don't invite them! Childish but it will make you feel better!

Are you the type to actually join a gym? I ask because sometimes maybe they didn't ask you because they didn't think it was your kind of thing

This happened to me at school as well. I was in a group of three with friend A and friend B, I was gradually frozen out over a period of time. Much like other people have said finding out they'd done stuff and not included me etc, although thankfully this was way before Facebook. Also lots of bitchy, offhand remarks directed at me. I strongly suspected friend A was the instigator and friend B was just going along with what she said as B was always fine with me when A wasn't around. A was very much a Queen Bee thought she was better than everyone else type.

Anyway it was very hurtful but in the end I found another a group of friends who I actually had more in common with and left those two to get on with it. Then Friend B introduced another girl from another class to their group, and they were a threesome again for a while. Until Friend A decided to do exactly what she'd done to me to Friend B and froze her out as well. Friend B was the back trying to hand around with me again...l

So what I'm saying is there will be an instigator here and if they've done it to you they will do it again, so sit back and watch and wait for it to happen. People like this are manipulative arseholes with personality disorders and don't have friends just pawns in their game.

Definitely agree with Emerald that there is a control issue going on here. Some people are only happy in a "pair" situation with friends as it is much easier to negotiate with just one person rather than two, so they try to get rid of a third as soon as possible. It is a sign of insecurity - one of the friends is so afraid that they will be left out of a threesome - or not be able to control things as much as they want - that they force someone else out before it happens to them. You are much more secure and confident than these so-called friends, OP, because none of this occurred to you - you introduced them to each other and were happy to be friends as a three. You will actally be much happier than them in the end because you will go on to make strong new, inclusive friendships while they are doomed to go on repeating this destructive pattern for ever.

The MN term "Wendied" comes from the Judy Blume book, Blubber. The bully in the book is called Wendy and she turns everyone against the main character.

It started on a thread where something similar happened to the OP. The woman wasn't actually called Wendy but MNers were calling her Wendy because she had acted like the character in the book!

It's sad that the term comes up so often, isn't it?

Sees like you don't have much to lose if you just call them on their behaviour, after the next dodged coffee invite, just say that you wish you knew what you had done to deserve being shut out by them both.

yes you've been wendied.
they're not your friends if they treat you like that.
i reckon they will fall out with each other at some point and may come crawling back.
don't take them back if or when it happens.
rise above it find new friends. not easy i know, but its the only way forward.

How bloody horrible. I'm not surprised you are hurt, anyone would be especially as you introduced them! Without you, they might not even know each other.

I would be angry and I would cut all communication with them, delete them from FB and have nothing to do with either of them. They know what they're doing and it is awful.

I despair of the people sometimes, how can they be so mean?

Drop them OP, you will feel better for it, the hurt will subside quicker if you do.

Oh god, it hurts! I was wendied 2.5 years ago, totally pushed out of my friendship group, which included my lifelong best friend. I agree Facebook is evil in this scenario, rubbed my nose in it every day that I was being excluded from everything. I unfollowed and restricted a few people!

I did attempt to speak to my friend and another, tried to patch things up and move on, but I was left out of a birthday thing just weeks after and I knew then that nothing had really changed. I had a lot of other awful stuff going on at the time and the whole lot ended with me on anti-depressants.

I felt numb, gutted, lost, I lost all my confidence and didn't know who to trust anymore. That might sound dramatic, but the whole thing really made me so ill. I didn't know where I fitted in and who my friends were. Hideous. I will never forget how they made me feel.

However...a few acquaintances saw what was happening and reached out to me. I also made a few new friends. I'm happy to say now, it was the best thing that ever happened to me! My new group of friends are wonderful, and I feel like I fit in better than I ever did.

I look back and wonder what on earth I was thinking with the old lot, who are mostly bitchy, competitive, materialistic narcissists. I'm still sad about ex best friend, but she made her choice. We're politely friendly when we see each other and I do miss her a bit, but I don't know her anymore. I'm much happier now.

I know they've done it to at least one other, so I'm sure their set-up will implode one day. I promise you will get over it and find nicer friends ????

This isn't being 'wendied', that's when a whole friendship group is targeted by one person to deliberately cut off an individual from those other friends.

It's very hurtful that your two friends have dropped you from outings and get togethers, see your other mates and let these friendships slide , they both appear to care little for your feelings.

Yanbu at all, I would be utterly hurt if people who I considered close friends and who I had known for some time treated me like that. Yes I totally get that they gel, and want to strike up a friendship, but to behave so childishly towards the op, it is nothing short of playgound behaviour, I am sorry that good friends just do not do this. I am afraid op you need to cut them dead, and move on.

Ah op that's horrible for you, if it's of any help it was done to me last year and it really hurt. Just last week the Wendy in question has got very friendly with yet another of my friends so it's happening again, she can't help herself. It's so nasty and I'm ashamed that I cried about it last year, but this time round I don't care, she can do what she wants. Be confident that you can make new friends and nurture the friendships you have already. I think there are some people who can only have one friend at a time, these two ladies are exclusive. Good luck and you will get through it but only if you keep talking when you see them. It's harder to for you if you find yourself avoiding them.

I agree this isn't really a Wendying. But Wendying aside in this situation I think you might have to simply accept that they might get on better than you and prefer spending time together.

Of course it is upsetting but am
Not sure there is much you can do.

dont really see the point of arguing the semantics of wendying - but whatever the case is, these two sound like they are made for each other. Unfollow, and concentrate on the other nicer peiple in your life.

I suppose my comment about 'Wendying' was to make the point that there might not be such a malicious motive in this situation. Friend B may not have gone out of her way to turn friend A against the OP. They may simply have really hit it off.

I agree they could perhaps be more sensitive to the OP's feelings but am not sure a confrontation is needed here.