To think MIL has been a bit inconsiderate?

[SteggySaurus]

I had a miscarriage early last year. The day I found out I had been shopping and bought a beautiful baby book. I was so excited to start filling it with scan pictures and other things. We took it round to MIL's that afternoon to store with the other baby things there and then I ended up having to go to hospital.

When I got pregnant again she took the box of things out and asked if we'd be using them. I got a bit upset seeing the things we had bought and was caught off guard. It brought back a lot of memories and added to the worry that it might happen again. OH spoke to MIL and asked her to keep hold of the box until we were ready to sort through it.

DS is now four months. We visited MIL last night and she brought out the book that I had bought and showed me that she had filled it in with things about DS. I thought she'd gone and got a new book but when I asked her she said "No, it's the one that you got. It's just gathering dust and going to waste. So I thought I'd make use of it." To my horror I found out that the scan picture of the baby which was in an envelope inside the book had been binned. When I asked her why she didn't ask us or at least mention it to us first she said she didn't want me overreacting like I did last time.

I appreciate that she's excited about her grandson and wants to do something like this, despite me saying I like the idea of there just being one special baby book filled in by parents when she suggested buying baby books for my SIL and BIL. I know I can't be mad at her for filling out a book but that book wasn't for DS. Getting back on track after the miscarriage was so hard but I knew I had reminders of the baby to go back to when I felt ready. Now the scan pictures are gone I feel a bit like I've lost her all over again.

I think you should just take a few weeks to let the dust settle while you see how you feel. Don't listen to any more melodramatic speeches (classic behaviour from that kind of person) and give yourself time to feel whatever you need to. I suggest you replace all you can of what was lost asap. It may help.

I lost twins at nine weeks. It was early but there is a part of me that will always be a mother of twins.x

ah love, It would be a long time before I could bring myself to look at her or be inthe same place as her without being over emotional and having to restrain myself from shouting (or worse)

both of you take time to recover from the shock and hurt without going into a lot of detail with mil/sil etc.

She has been more than "a bit inconsiderate", she has been insensitive in the extreme. I would be very upset about this.
If she is sorry perhaps she could contact the hospital and try to get you a replacement scan picture.

OP (and everyone else with awful experiences) I'm so sorry . I would also have gone stratospheric. I have lost many babies and each time it was the most horrendous soul tearing experience, there are no words. What she did... the book, well I would have been very very ratty and hurt, but the scan pictures too?! I'm sat here with tears rolling down my face for you.
I don't know what to suggest, I'm lost for words. I wouldn't be able to be around her for a long, long time, probably never again, and I wouldn't let my son around her either.
Just read this to DH and he agrees. If she's prepared to treat the memory of one of her grandchildren like that, not to mention how she had treated you and your husband, how can she be a positive influence in her living grandchild's life?

Using the book - rude, and slightly weird.

Binning your scan picture - Incredibly nasty.

Phoning your SIL to tell half a story so that you got a phone call because it seemed like you were being harsh - unforgivable.

I would really struggle around her again. Your poor DH, he must feel so bitterly let down by his mother.

I'd have seriously lost my shit. How dare she do that.

That would be like someone throwing away the pics my Dsis has my Dnephew. He was only with us for 11 months but he was still very much a loved member of the family and always will be.

That is your baby and for her to throw the pictures away like that. I'm actually pissed off for you.

This has brought tears to my eyes.

I can't believe she used the book you'd bought for yourself to fill in, for a different pregnancy, that you'd then miscarried - It is wrong on so many levels. To use it after your DH basically said not to - makes it even more awful.

To bin any scan photo that's isn't your own is heartless. To bin one that isn't your own and is of a baby that has been miscarried is beyond words. How could she be so heartless and cruel. That's unforgivable.

To call SIL with half a story to make you look bad after what mil had done to you and your DH is disgusting.

To say you'd overreacted last time or this time is a disgrace. You did not over react at any point. It just shows what an uncaring, cold hearted bitch she really is.

Her lame excuse of her not wanting you to "overreact" (a) crying at something like that isn't an overreaction (b) she could have discussed it all with your DH and then done whatever he told her he thought best.

To not apologise makes an absolutely awful situation so so much worse.

I feel whole heartedly for you and your DH. You have both been betrayed and hurt by someone who should care for you both, yet apparently has a heart of stone.

I'm sorry so this has happened to you, a miscarriage is too big a loss without this happening later on

Good grief!

I would sit down and write it out OP. Write to her and tell her exactly how you are feeling and how you want to go forward. Not only will it be cathartic for you, but hopefully it will teach her an important lesson and put you in control of the situation (she clearly needs a bit of a wake up call that she needs to treat others with a bit more respect!). I find it hard to express myself when I am very emotional so I find writing a letter helps.

She sounds awful, so sorry for you both. I too hope the hospital can help you get copies

I'm just so sorry, OP.

Throwing away the scans was inexcusable, she has no defence and her behaviour since it came to light, speaks volumes.

What's your H's relationship like with his mother and sister? His poor boundaries and lack of clarity with them probably contributes to the level of their crap that your exposed to. So when asserting your boundaries with them, do the same with your H, as it isn't your job to pay the price for his indifference or 'anything for a quiet life'' approach.

Practically speaking, arrange for alternative storage of your things, let DH communicate with his family and develop firm boundaries with your SIL and MIL.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this but there's nothing you can do about the past but there's a heck of a lot you can do to protect yourself in the future.

what a total be*atch.

i can't help but thinking everyone's missed the point: your OH asked her to hold on to the box until YOU were ready to go through it. She ignored that and took your property, threw something irreplaceably precious away (which is unforgivable in my opinion) and altered it. your property may have been in her house but she had clear instructions that she was not to touch it. Put it this way, if you (future) toddler had behaved like that, wouldn't you have put them on the naughty step?!

She will only get worse - i speak from experience. you need to establish boundaries. this could be a direct conversation or simply but not inviting her round for a noticeably long period. she was more than insensitive. her behaviour was unacceptable and will only get worse if you do nothing. you are the mum, not her. I'm so sorry that she made you feel so awful.

p.s. show your OH the responses in this thread if he still thinks your MIL hasn't behaved that badly. i suspect that you may have to be the one setting the boundaries and having the difficult conversations - your OH doesn't seem up to it.

Oh my goodness, that is heartbreaking. How cruel. I hope she apologises to you both.

When my boyfriend died, I bought a rose bush in his name and planted it in a planter so I can take it everywhere with me (the nature of my job means I move about a bit) when I finally settle in one place I will put it in the ground.

Congratulation on your baby boy! xx

Is she usually this attention seeking? Because she sounds very attention seeking & manipulative, by only telling SIL half a story, trying to guilt trip DH with the old illness thing...
Is there a FIL? If not, is she trying to force her way into being more involved with your family, by any means possible, or into SILs by getting the sympathy vote?

Oh, OP, when I read that your MIL had thrown away the photos of your lost baby I shed a tear. I can only image how you must have felt. I'm so sorry. What a horrible shock it must have been.

Sadly, what has happened has happened and can't be undone. Awful though this experience has been, I do think that the best way forward is forgiveness and acceptance. Your MIL is now fully aware that she has wronged you. She can't go back and do things differently, much as she may now wish to. Can you find it in your heart to forgive?

YADNBU!

How dare she use your book and bin your scan picture. That book wasn't her's to use and that picture certainly wasn't her's to bin. The comment about you 'overeating' has me thinking she did this on purpose i.e the not telling you and using the book anyway.

Re the scan, totally unforgivable.

So sorry that this has happened to you OP. Totally unacceptable and wrong of your MIL to do this. She needs to understand the hurt she has caused and to apologize properly or you will never move on. Congratulations on your little boy!

God my stomach lurched when i read she'd binned the scan photos. I'm so sorry steggy and mr steggy.

I have a little box with a treasured scan photo in it. Too upsetting to look at it yet awhile, but if someone knowingly threw it away i think i would actually try to kill them.

:( :( :(