To think MIL has been a bit inconsiderate?

[SteggySaurus]

I had a miscarriage early last year. The day I found out I had been shopping and bought a beautiful baby book. I was so excited to start filling it with scan pictures and other things. We took it round to MIL's that afternoon to store with the other baby things there and then I ended up having to go to hospital.

When I got pregnant again she took the box of things out and asked if we'd be using them. I got a bit upset seeing the things we had bought and was caught off guard. It brought back a lot of memories and added to the worry that it might happen again. OH spoke to MIL and asked her to keep hold of the box until we were ready to sort through it.

DS is now four months. We visited MIL last night and she brought out the book that I had bought and showed me that she had filled it in with things about DS. I thought she'd gone and got a new book but when I asked her she said "No, it's the one that you got. It's just gathering dust and going to waste. So I thought I'd make use of it." To my horror I found out that the scan picture of the baby which was in an envelope inside the book had been binned. When I asked her why she didn't ask us or at least mention it to us first she said she didn't want me overreacting like I did last time.

I appreciate that she's excited about her grandson and wants to do something like this, despite me saying I like the idea of there just being one special baby book filled in by parents when she suggested buying baby books for my SIL and BIL. I know I can't be mad at her for filling out a book but that book wasn't for DS. Getting back on track after the miscarriage was so hard but I knew I had reminders of the baby to go back to when I felt ready. Now the scan pictures are gone I feel a bit like I've lost her all over again.

I'm so sorry this has happened. I would be bereft.
At the hospital I work at, all scans are stored in an online system. It would be under your name. If you offer to pay for the picture, the hospital may be able to provide a replacement. Perhaps approach the maternity bereavement service to ask.

Unforgivable behaviour. I really don't think I could see her again for a long, long time, and if I could at all, it would only be after the most sincerest of apologies. I'm so sorry OP for your loss.

It is good you and DH are on the same page. But sad for him that he will have to lose his 'mum' as he will now have to deal with her on an adult to adult footing. If he has not already had to face this, then he will find it harder to do in these circumstances.

I hope he is OK after their chat.

Oh how awful. I hope your Dh coped ok with the chat, and that his mother can understand what a terrible thing she has done.

I suspect that she won't though, this type of selfish high handed behaviour often goes with the inability to admit they've sone anything wrong.

How are you holding up? It must have been a terrible shock and then the mourning for the visual evidence of your little one that never got to be born :( I am so so sorry.

I would cut her book into tiny little bits and put it in the bin. Then I would never speak to her again.

Wow thats bad behaviour.
My mum is the kind of person who'd chuck stuff away, she's binned many a memento of mine (though not as important as a scan pic) as she just fails to appreciate sometimes that just because something isn't important to her, it might be to someone else. After many years I have persuaded her that she needs to ask before dealing with someone else's stuff.
My personal opinion is that it's probably best to keep some distance between you and your mil for a while. She'll miss out on time with her grandchild, but that's her fault for doing such a horrible and thoughtless thing.
for your loss, hope the hospital still has a copy.

Wow! that is way out of line......

No compassion or understanding about the loss of your first baby...... I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this.

And what littlejonnydory said

Dreadful. I would imagine this will be the least of your worries.

On a slight tangent, I think it is madness of you to have kept these items with her; this is clearly someone you need strong boundaries with and you have all but invited her to make a wrong move in this very delicate matter. I'm not trying to be nasty, just think you should really learn from this going forward.

I would be devastated about the scan picture and I'm so, so sorry. I would find it difficult to mend a relationship with someone who did this.

I don't think I'll speak to her for quite a while.

Horrible for you.

Don't leave things at her house again. She either can't be trusted or assumed they were fair game, ie: you didn't want them so they can be hers?

Using the book I can understand.

Binning the scans?

I don't get that at all.

They could have stayed in the envelope in front of the book, or been given to you.

What is she putting in it?

I hope to goodness you have your scans of your son.

Im so sorry OP.
Completely unforgivable.

I'm sorry to hear that OP (and Hugge who had a similar experience).

YY to PP who said hospital are very likely to still have copies on file.

Hopefully you can buy another copy of the book as well if you choose to and YY to someone who suggested planting a tree or choosing another memorial. Something you could use to explain to DS and any other DCs you may have eg in future, if you choose to let them know what happened.

Take your time, though.
Best wishes to you.

No, she's wasnt "a bit inconsiderate" she way out of line! I read your post and thought WTAF?!?!
for your DH to say it's not a good idea (the man who knows you best) & just ignore him is more than insensitive, it's unbelievable!
File the baby book she's done in the bin loft and have your own book.
I like riding crops idea about the tree

Jesus fucking Christ what is WRONG with that woman?!

I'd have gone stratospheric. People are dicks if they haven't gone through it. Op, I'm so sorry

But, then I am "sensitive" about the three children I didn't have (including our surprise who I gave birth to in a late miscarriage in April).

I'm actually feeling like having a wee cry for you, op.

Un. Be. Fucking. Lievable.

It might be that she can't understand why it would be upsetting? Hence her comment.
Personally I found my miscarriages to be worrying and devastating at the time but they weren't babies to me. It was the potential that I lost.
Maybe mil really can't relate which will make it hard to deal with.

I've not heard from MIL today but had a phone call off SIL to say she heard about what happened. She said MIL is ever so sorry, apparently she called her late last night in tears saying she's worried I'm going to take it personally and not let her see DS anymore.

My reaction last night was quite calm considering the circumstances. I didn't cry, shout, scream, say anything nasty. I looked upset according to DH and annoyed but he thought I took it very well until we got in the car and I started sobbing! I just didn't want to do that in front of her.

I told SIL that what she had done had really upset us and SIL said she thinks I'm over reacting. It turns out MIL hadn't told the full story. Just that she showed me the book, I cried (again) and left. So of course SIL is now mad too! I told her that I understood why she called but it was between me and MIL. If she is so sorry she'll have to tell me herself but I probably will need space away from her.

DH spoke to MIL but before I'd spoken to SIL. He told her that he was really upset with her that she'd deliberately ignored him, sprung this on us and accused me of overreacting last time. He also said that finding out the photos had been away was heartbreaking for both of us and that he can't forgive her for that. She swears she had no idea what they were but we don't believe her. She also somehow tried to blame an illness that she had five years ago for how she acted, giving him a very irrelevant speech about she nearly died and now wants us all to be a close family. She's very controlling over her children and can be really manipulative as well as being so pessimistic sometimes which I've pointed out to DH before. I think she thought she'd be able to get out of this but DH has been really strong and not given in. He got home before and seems more upset about this than I am. I let him read through the posts and he was touched (as am I) by the amount of support!

I'll try and contact the maternity ward to see if they can help. Planting a tree is a lovely idea, we just don't have a garden yet. We live in a one bed apartment, hence storing things there!

Thank you for the kind posts

Christ OP, she is one nasty piece of work! Filling in the book - weird, possibly inappropriate but probably forgiveable. Dumping your scan, blaming you for 'over reacting' last time then trying to emotionally manipulate you both by bringing up some past illness - totally unforgivable in my eyes

And she's not even concerned that she's hurt you! Only that she might lose out on seeing your DS. Its all about her. Hateful woman.

This is all so intensely personal that you will need to make your own decisions obviously but I would be drastically reducing contact and never trusting her with a shred of sensitive information (let alone precious objects) ever again. You poor thing

Oh Steggy and Mr Steggy

I hope you're as ok as you can be. I wish there was something I could do to help x

Oh dear God I'd be devastated. The scan pic I have of my first is the first and last time I saw him and all I have of him. That is terrible. And worse that she doesn't plan to acknowledge how this feels to you. This would marr a relationship for me permanently.

Please do see if the hospital can re print the picture for you, I so hope they can. So sorry you have to handle her behaviour in addition to your loss.

WT actual F?!?! Using the book. Weird. It's not her book to use!

Throwing away the scan pictures. Heartless cow! Her excuse that she didn't know what was in the envelope is bollocks...who throws away an envelope without checking what's inside first?! And wtf did she think she even had the right to throw away something she'd been asked to store for someone else?!

Who does that??!

I would be beyond livid I don't think I could bring myself to speak to her again!!!

The hospital will have your scan on an online system....contacting PALS would probably be a good idea as some scan departments can be a bit jobs worthy about printing off extra copies. I hope you manage to get another copy

OP I am so sorry to hear that after your terrible loss this woman has acted in such a way to cause you more upset and heartbreak. I am so angry on your behalf.

She sounds vile and to be honest I would never ever forgive her for what she has done. She needs to apologise profusely to you and show she is sorry. Then, in time, and only if you are ready, should you have anything to do with her. She has behaved abysmally and I know I would have nothing more to do with her. If she wants the family to be close to her she needs to act in a way to make you want to be close to her. As far as I can see she has been a hard hearted bitch and she would be out of my life for good.

Also what the hell could she have written in the book?! Usually these books are full of how you are feeling in pregnancy, the first time the baby moves, how you felt at the scans, ideas for names, cravings and pictures of the bump......what exactly could she have written about?!

What is it about babies that makes some older women act a bit insane?! (Also, wanting to buy baby books for SIL and BIL to complete too....?! Wouldn't they look at her a bit err and say "you do know it's not me that's having a baby don't you?!") or maybe that's just my reaction?!