Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let her take DS to the cinema?

74 replies

ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 10/07/2015 07:13

Long story short, SIL has borderline personality disorder. Last week she was at our house one evening and after she had gone, we were woken up by police officers banging on the door. SIL had taken an overdose and gone for a long walk. She let the mental health services know and they called the police. They had helicopters and sniffer dogs out for her and DH was out on his bike scanning the area for her dead body.

She was found safely and taken to hospital and back to work the following Monday. We also found out she did this in the same week a couple of days previous. She is gobsmacked at the backlash it has received as she never had any intention to kill herself, she gets a release from the attention perhaps.

Anyhow, she keeps badgering on about taking my 4 year old out on her own. She sent me a text to say she would never let him come to any harm. I replied to say I know that, and I would be happy for her to babysit DS when the dust has settled and she is feeling better. She accepted this.

Yesterday, we were having dinner in a pub and she was asking DH and I again if she could take Ds to the cinema. DH brushed it off saying we were going away, and she kept on asking when we were free. When DH went to the toilet, she said to me she was sorry if she was out of order asking to take DS to the cinema. I said it wasn't out of order, it was very kind - but I would prefer not as it was still too soon after what had happened the previous weekend.

She got very upset and it was the most awkward dinner ever as she didn't say a word. I said I hope I hadn't upset her, and what would she do if she was in my shoes. When I got back from taking DS to the loo, she had gone.

I was sorry to upset her, so I Am asking aibu and how to resolve the tension between SIL and I?

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 10/07/2015 17:21

Could you just say you don't like ds to be in the cinema without one of you because he may get a fright in the movie or with the dark. I took 4 year old gd to Paddington and it got horrifically scary in the storm scene so maybe not focus on her illness but ds.

Original poster
ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 10/07/2015 17:23

She will offer to take him somewhere else, she just wants to be alone with him, anywhere. She is testing us to see if we trust her.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 10/07/2015 17:39

I agree with TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot - children shouldn't be used to help adults. The person benefitting the most from a nephew/Aunt relationship should be the child, not the adult.

Your SIL needs are not as important as your DS's.

DinosaursRoar · 10/07/2015 17:43

You don't trust her. It's ok to tell her that. Her actions will sometimes have negative concequences, it could well be everyone has been so keen to not upset her, she's been shielded from this in the past.

Bluntly, your DS is more important than your SIL to you.

AndNowItsSeven · 10/07/2015 17:45

Hissy BPD is a mental disorder, you don't choose not to have it, anymore than you choose not to have cancer for eg.

lilacblossomtime · 10/07/2015 17:48

One thing is if she did do anything she shouldn't with your DS that would have very negative consequences for her as well, so you are also protecting her by not allowing this.

EponasWildDaughter · 10/07/2015 17:58

Y'know when you read an opening post and think ''NO! God do NOT let x, y, z happen OP!'' ...

... then quickly check the thread and be so relieved all the replies say the sensible thing ...

that just happened to me.

Stick to your guns OP. It's a delicate situation, but your DSs safety comes first.

WhyTheDrama · 10/07/2015 18:02

I would try and distance yourself from this. I don't think you should discuss it with your SIL (or her parents). Leave it to your DH - it's his family.

If you are really put on the spot just say that you don't want anyone taking DS out without you and don't elaborate. Don't make it into a thing iyswim

TopCivilServant · 10/07/2015 18:45

I'd just leave it. It sounds like you were kind and polite. Just let it blow over. Too much fuss and may mean it's something she can use when she feels that she needs attention.

Hissy · 10/07/2015 19:00

BPD is treatable.

Don't compare it cancer, it's not the same thing at all.

rumbleinthrjungle · 10/07/2015 19:07

Weigh up the risks each way. She is upset and angry that you won't trust her with ds alone. Or, Ds may have an experience with her that is unsafe or distressing, or damage their and your long term relationship with her.

I think you need to protect ds and her too, by not giving in to sulks or emotional pressure. The potential for something to go wrong isn't minor and the impact if it does could be major.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 10/07/2015 19:08

If you leave your DS with someone dangerous/unstable, you will have Social Workers on your back Forever!

CrapBag · 10/07/2015 19:13

Over my dead body would I let someone like this take my children anywhere.

My sister asked to take 3 year old DD out last year. No mental health issues or anything like that but she was 17, pretty selfish and wanted a pretty cute child as an accessory to show off. No such offer to take my older child out. I said no and that was it. My dad thought IWBU but then the sun shines out of her backside in his eyes so I ignored this.

Ycoitsid · 10/07/2015 19:19

Well done OP

wannaBe · 10/07/2015 19:26

Tbh I would shut this down now by saying that you will not let her take your ds out ever and that the subject is now closed.

You don't owe her anything - especially not the need to prove that she can be trusted, and it sounds as if she will never let this drop as long as you keep implying that there's a chance that things will change at some point.

If she knows that there is no chance of her ever being left alone with your ds then that gives her one less thing to seek attention with - iyswim.

Someone who behaves in the way she did isn't going to need weeks to recover but years, assuming this is even possible. I would just not give it the time of day in future and once you've made it very clear that she will never be trusted alone with your ds then refuse to engage any further on the matter.

JJXM · 10/07/2015 19:35

I have borderline personality disorder and if I do not take my antipsychotics then I am a risk to myself and therefore indirectly to my children. OP - I wouldn't let your sister take your DS to the cinema if she's so unstable - attention seeking behaviour is a big part of BPD and she will probably be using your refusal to make herself the centre of things.

However, hissy BPD is a mental health condition and you can't just stop having it if you try hard enough. Many mental health professionals believe it is untreatable and there is a shortage of treatment options on the NHS - but if you've got a magic cure then please let me know. My BPD was caused by my very early childhood abuse - maybe not equal to cancer but I have been living with it for over 30 years.

RinkRashDerbyKisses · 10/07/2015 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lashalicious · 11/07/2015 04:49

Absolutely DO NOT give in to your unstable sil's repeated badgering to take your 4 year old son somewhere alone! I would never allow her to babysit or anything remotely similar. The fact that she's insisting on this when frankly, no parent in his or her right mind would allow a mentally unstable person who sulks and leaves halfway through a dinner because you voiced concerns after she badgered you yet again shows how unstable she is. Her past and present behavior shows how unstable she is. The next time she brings it up, look her in the eye and say "NO. He is my son and it is my decision and I say no. I do not trust you with my son and if you truly have his best interest in mind, then you would understand my position and stop insisting on taking my 4 year old alone when you know very well that you have issues with your emotional and mental health. Do not ask again." I would make sure she doesn't somehow try to sneak and take him. Her repeatedly insisting on taking your son is a red flag that means she is obsessing over it.

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/07/2015 05:03

In order to show she is trustworthy, her priority should be to simply build a relationship with him; NOT to just take him out somewhere on her own.

The fact that this isn't her priority speaks volumes and tells you conclusively that you're doing the right thing. She is making this about her, not about your DS which tells you all you need to know.

The ball is in her court. If she doesn't want to play it, that's entirely up to her.

cleanmyhouse · 11/07/2015 08:10

if she wants to stop having borderline personality disorder, she can

Wow! one of the most ignorant things i have read on here.

BPD is not curable. Manageable yes, but you can't just get rid of it.

My ex has BPD. With some really hard work on his part, he manages to be more in control, but he will never, ever be free of it.

MeganTrainer · 11/07/2015 08:51

Absolutely no way EVER would she be alone with a child of mine. Even babysitting in my home.

You just don't fuck about with people like her. She's shown herself to be unstable. Once is enough.

WhyCantI - wtf? OP is supposed to let this person float off with her child because the responsibility might be good for her? That's one of the stupidest things I've ever read on here.

I wouldn't entrust this person with a goldfish. Let alone a child.

CactusAnnie · 11/07/2015 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sausagesandyogadontmix · 11/07/2015 09:21

Can you go along with them? Let SIL take the lead i.e picking the film, buying the popcorn but you will be there verseeing things. YANBU to not let her take him alone. She is not a responsible adult at this present time. Thanks for you.

Original poster
ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 11/07/2015 09:31

Yes I can go along with them but she doesn't want me to!
I still have not heard from her by the way!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread