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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not let her take DS to the cinema?

74 replies

ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 10/07/2015 07:13

Long story short, SIL has borderline personality disorder. Last week she was at our house one evening and after she had gone, we were woken up by police officers banging on the door. SIL had taken an overdose and gone for a long walk. She let the mental health services know and they called the police. They had helicopters and sniffer dogs out for her and DH was out on his bike scanning the area for her dead body.

She was found safely and taken to hospital and back to work the following Monday. We also found out she did this in the same week a couple of days previous. She is gobsmacked at the backlash it has received as she never had any intention to kill herself, she gets a release from the attention perhaps.

Anyhow, she keeps badgering on about taking my 4 year old out on her own. She sent me a text to say she would never let him come to any harm. I replied to say I know that, and I would be happy for her to babysit DS when the dust has settled and she is feeling better. She accepted this.

Yesterday, we were having dinner in a pub and she was asking DH and I again if she could take Ds to the cinema. DH brushed it off saying we were going away, and she kept on asking when we were free. When DH went to the toilet, she said to me she was sorry if she was out of order asking to take DS to the cinema. I said it wasn't out of order, it was very kind - but I would prefer not as it was still too soon after what had happened the previous weekend.

She got very upset and it was the most awkward dinner ever as she didn't say a word. I said I hope I hadn't upset her, and what would she do if she was in my shoes. When I got back from taking DS to the loo, she had gone.

I was sorry to upset her, so I Am asking aibu and how to resolve the tension between SIL and I?

OP posts:

MakeItRain · 10/07/2015 08:23

My first thoughts were the same as MammaTJ If you feel it's linked to attention seeking then having your son alone is even more of a risk. By all means organise some time with you there, but personally I would not leave him alone with her until he is old and wise enough to fend for himself in an emergency. Her tears and upset wouldn't sway me one bit in this.

Penfold007 · 10/07/2015 08:29

Sil has mental health issues and needs to engage with mental health professionals. I wouldn't allow her to take my child anywhere on her own an would expect to be criticised if I did and anything happened.

GoblinLittleOwl · 10/07/2015 08:30

No, no, no, no, no.
You must not risk this,ever.(or at least until your son is a hefty teenager.)

seastargirl · 10/07/2015 08:30

I'm in a similar situation with my sister and would say you're definitely not being unreasonable.

If you're happy to then try to keep contact with her and maybe asking her to watch him while your doing housework is a good idea. I try to give small bits of responsibility, my sister loves doing crafty stuff and I hate it so I've asked her a few times would she come and help make cards or pictures or things like that with the kids so she feels really involved in something.

19lottie82 · 10/07/2015 08:47

No way. Your DS's safety comes WAY above her hurt feelings I'm afraid!

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 10/07/2015 08:58

I agree with others, she is obviously not well enough at the moment to look after your son alone. It's not being cruel to her, it's understanding that she is unwell at the moment and her focus should be getting help and getting well.

I'd never say never though. I think saying 'not in this lifetime', is a bit much. If she has shown much progression over the next few months, under proper care, shown to be going to appointments, taking any medication given, I do not see why she could not ultimately be trusted in the future with a couple of hours with your child.

Could you compromise at all, op? Maybe you or your husband (or mil), could go in a trip with your little boy with her? That way, she gets time with him, but someone else is there as well. I wouldn't go with too many people, just so she doesn't feel 'babysat', but enough for a fun family afternoon.

Cynara · 10/07/2015 09:04

No chance. It's very sad that she has thesepproblems

Purplepixiedust · 10/07/2015 09:04

I wouldn't let her take him OP.

Cynara · 10/07/2015 09:06

Stupid bloody phone. It's very sad for her, obviously she's been struggling recently, but that's the thing, it is very recent, and it's not fair to make your dc part of her recovery attempts, he's not an experiment. When she's better, fine

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 10/07/2015 09:09

YANBU

He's your child, your responsibility, you don't have to let him go anywhere with anyone if you don't want him to.

You have to put his needs and his safety above everything else, even if that means upsetting your SIL. He depends on you to do that.

Maybe having the trust/responsibility might help her.
It's not his job to help his aunt. No child should ever be put in a potentially dangerous or frightening situation for the benefit of an adult.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 10/07/2015 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 10/07/2015 09:13

Be straight with her. Tell her no, it won't be happening until she seeks proper help and treatment.

Let her sulk and whatever she likes, she is not your priority, your son is.
There is no way you should be made to feel guilty or awkward about this - she is embarrassing herself by keeping pestering when she must know that she isn't really capable and trustworthy.

PuntasticUsername · 10/07/2015 09:42

Absolutely not in a million years.

She's seeking validation that she's ok as she is. "Look at me, I'm fine, I can even care for a child". It doesn't sound as if it would be appropriate to give her that validation at this point. And your son's safety is too important to risk for her sake.

I feel for her, and I really hope she gets the help she needs to get better, but I think she's on the wrong track with this one I'm afraid.

Offred · 10/07/2015 09:53

Yes, I did stop my mum looking after my DC when she was bad with sarcoidosis and was going unconscious/couldn't see. I was going away for the weekend and she wanted to drive them to Wales (3hours, mountains) mainly, I thought, to prove she wasn't sick. I had to get my sister in as emergency care because she refused to accept that it wasn't appropriate and kept telling me I was being overprotective. My sister phoned me an hour after I set off saying she had turned up saying she was going to take them (2hours in the car) to buy a Christmas tree and was that ok -

Sick people who will not accept they are sick cannot be trusted with children.

Greenrememberedhills · 10/07/2015 09:57

I think you handled it perfectly. You were kind, you were truthful, and you didn't say no- just not now, until you're definitely better.

OhMittens · 10/07/2015 10:00

YANBU. Fine for her to visit and join in - maybe all go together to the cinema, but taking your DS out on his own so soon after what happened - I would say definitely not.

Actually her response speaks volumes. I can see why she'd be disappointed but she can't cope with that disappointment/rejection yet. You can't guarantee that should your DS do something that would make her feel disappointed or rejected (eg not liking the film, crying for you) and she wouldn't cope well with that either.

Turquoiseblue · 10/07/2015 10:10

She sounds unstable (recent overdose x2 ) and her reaction (a tantrum / sulk/ emotional blackmail ) would support that and possibly that maybe she has very little insight into her own condition.
I certainly wouldn't let her take DS to the cinema alone and emotional blackmail and tantrums shouldn't allow her to get her own way.
Maybe you or dh going with them as previously suggested.

GobblersKnob · 10/07/2015 10:11

I have a whole raft of mental heath problems of my own and have had for the entire time I have been a parent, and so do not see MH issues as necessarily being a bar to the competent care of small children (am not suggesting that anyone has said that, just pointing it out). However I have a friend with BPD and it is truly one of the most frightening and difficult things I have ever seen anyone try to deal with, she has worsened a lot in the last year or so and I wouldn't trust her to care for my children alone. As far as I understand it, it is not a treatable condition, just a manageable one, I am may well be wrong though.

Offred · 10/07/2015 10:17

Yes, I thought that too Gobblers. I think parenting your own children when you have MH problems is very different to babysitting your young nephew though.

Original poster

ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 10/07/2015 14:00

Thank you for all your supportive replies, it seems pretty unanimous that I have done the right thing.

Agree with the person who said she is seeking validation that she is fine and still has our trust. She still minimises the events of last week as if it never happened and swears it will never happen again (not sure I believe that as she said she finds release from it).

Have not heard from SIL since last night so she must still be upset (I spoke to her parents and they say she was v much so when she got in last night).

I hope she does not ask again!

OP posts:

Weebirdie · 10/07/2015 14:03

Just leave it now, and that includes checking up with people that she's ok.

Original poster

ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 10/07/2015 14:07

Ok wee birdie, I will. I was thinking of drafting a message but I have done nothing wrong. If anything, she should apologise!

OP posts:

RinkRashDerbyKisses · 10/07/2015 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ginpopsgalore · 10/07/2015 17:03

I agree with weebirdy. You don't need your sil's approval (though y seem to look for it). This may be a good time to establish your own boundaries and that includes not over explaining yourself. You have made your wishes clear, explaining it further or talking about it more will dramatise the whole thing. In such a scenario your SIL is pulling the strings as your seem to want to please her. Your choice has to be respected simpl because you made it and he is your dc. Nothing further to explain to her or your pil.

Original poster

ToFleaOrNotToFlea · 10/07/2015 17:15

Thank you Gin - I am definitely not seeking her approval, I haven't messaged her at all since I told her no. I will stick to my guns. I just wanted advice because I am not used to dealing with confrontations with mental illness.

OP posts:

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