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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...or is DH's ex being U?

37 replies

NutellaOnCrumpets · 09/07/2015 21:27

DP's ex wife has been texting my DP a lot recently and really starting to piss me off. Mainly remenising about their holidays (from twenty odd years ago) and other stuff from the past.
It was their dc's end of university ball the other day and she commented on their photo on Facebook of them in their outfit, (underneath my comment) saying "Haven't we created something so amazing?!"

It just feels like i am having the past rubbed in my face all the time. Their only dc together is nearly 22, they've been split for 10 years, why the constant contact?

Could this be innocent, and is just me being insecure and overthinking?

OP posts:

formerbabe · 09/07/2015 21:29

What does your dh say about it?

Rebecca2014 · 09/07/2015 21:31

How does he reply? the best way is to ignore or a single worded reply.

I get the, "we created something amazing" comment but bit strange to say that about a 22 year old!

Original poster

NutellaOnCrumpets · 09/07/2015 21:34

The Facebook thing he ignored. He does reply when she asks questions over texts.
To be honest I've not raised it as an "issue" with him as wonder if I am overthinking.

OP posts:

Anon4Now2015 · 09/07/2015 21:35

I think she's probably feeling at her role as a mum is coming to an end and is feeling all nostalgic about her DCs childhood and wants to reminisce. I can understand her feeling like that, but she needs to find someone else to reminisce with and not your DH. If he's replying though it's hardly her fault as he's making her feel as though he wants to reminisce with her too. I suspect it's innocent but if he doesn't want it to continue (and given that it's making you uncomfortable he shouldn't want it to continue) then he needs to stop replying to the messages.

BerylStreep · 09/07/2015 21:36

Is there something that your DH is doing which is making you feel insecure? What does he say about the contact?

Facebook is the work of the devil btw, try to ignore it.

Murfles · 09/07/2015 21:36

At the end of the day her ex is the father of her children. I'm proud of my children as well. Both my ex and I have stayed civil although we both have remarried. We often laugh about holidays we had with the kids. If you meet someone that has children and a past you need to accept that. My DH's ex wife often says she's amazed at how they managed to create their children (who are now 21 and 19). There's nothing wrong in that, she's a proud mum and so she should be. You sound insecure.

romeomorningwhisky · 09/07/2015 21:41

I can't bear my kid's Dad but still think we created something amazing together so I see where she's coming from & if they've been split ten years it's pretty safe to say they'll stay split & nostalgia is better than some bitter old sow!

Rebecca2014 · 09/07/2015 21:42

Maybe have a word with your husband to take a step back and stop replying, he may be unwittingly encouraging her. I am sure it is innocent from his ex side, sounds like she is just being nostalgic about her son childhood but this is something your partner can easily stop if your uncomfortable with it.

Crosbybeach · 09/07/2015 21:49

This is so much better than them not getting on. I've sat through countless family meals where DH, his parents, the kids and his ex reminisce.

It was in many ways good times for them and frankly the kids are all they have in common.

Ibthink you are overthinking. She's a mum and obviously proud. Smile and nod!

SanityClause · 09/07/2015 21:54

I get the, "we created something amazing" comment but bit strange to say that about a 22 year old!

Why? When do I have to stop being proud of my children? My eldest is 16. Am I okay to think she's amazing? Or should I have stopped by now?

Morganly · 09/07/2015 21:57

Hmm, not sure. With regard to the Facebook photo of their child, might she be a bit narked that you got in before her with your comment? You do need to be a bit tactful about things like this and not look as if you are trying to usurp her as mother or try to give the impression that you are closer to the C than she is.

The reminiscing about holidays etc does sound a bit weird. Is this a new thing? Can you think of anything that might have triggered it? A special anniversary? Possible the C leaving home and her feeling like her whole life as a wife and mother has been erased. A sort of empty nest syndrome but with the added factor that her H also left her? This might be an attempt to convince herself that there were good things in her past and reassure herself that her life is not just about loss.

BackInTheRealWorld · 09/07/2015 21:58

I don't have a problem with it (have similar situation) and I think it's just a sign of coming out the other side of shit and appreciating that you wouldn't change a thing cos OMG LOOK WHAT WE PRODUCED! It's nice to get to that mellow place...and often it doesn't happen til the kids are grown up because you don't have the bitterness of maintainence and visits to quibble over.

saoirse31 · 09/07/2015 21:58

God op give her a break. Their dc just finished uni , and she can't make a fairly nice comment. you do realise he did have that child with her.

BackInTheRealWorld · 09/07/2015 21:59

If you are feeling concerned about it then that has to come from his behaviour not hers. She can reminisce all she likes, that shouldn't affect you as a couple?

PtolemysNeedle · 09/07/2015 22:02

I think the Facebook thing is fine and it's you being odd to have a problem with it rather than her. If these two parents still get on well enough, then it's nice that they can share the odd parenting milestone. I fully hope to share a proud moment with the man that's been my ex for over ten years when we watch our children graduate or get married or have a child of their own or whatever. And why not, we are the only two people that created and raised our children, I'd have no patience with a new partner that got jealous over it,

But saying that, your DHs ex shouldn't be excessively texting him just to reminisce, that is weird. A few texts to talk about what's going on for their shared child now is fine, as is the occasional comment about a shared parenting memory, but she should be being careful not to cross the line.

Faithless · 10/07/2015 16:42

I don't think there's anything to worry about, however i have a different take. I just don't understand this re-establishing old connections with exes thing. Or claiming DC's achievements as your own.I would not make comments like this on a pic of my DCs. Why would I make their occasion all about me and my ex? I know the dcs would think it strange that I would want to make that sort of connection with their dad, who I split up from 12 years ago (amicably). We split up for a reason and if those past holidays (for example) were so bloody ace, why would we have split? I hate all that "didn't we do well?!" bollocks, my DC's achievements are their own.
Maybe my attitude is more prevalent in people who are totally over their exes?

Theycallmemellowjello · 10/07/2015 16:45

The contact reminiscing about holidays, if it's really often, is a bit odd. But I think it's ok for them to have a friendly relationship - unless you think that she wants something more. The facebook comment is really nice and sweet though, absolutely nothing wrong with that.

RedDaisyRed · 10/07/2015 17:00

Not strange to say that about a 22 year old. I feel the same about our 20 somethings. I will feel the same when they are amazing (if they are) 60 year olds for that matter.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 10/07/2015 17:01

I think that comment is weird - nothing wrong with being proud sanity or indeed saying DD is amazing, it's the 'creating' part that seems overly familiar with your ex, especially after 22 years! It's so evocative of the act of creation to me that it would be taken as a deliberate wind up on the part of the ex. Surely 'raise' would have been a more age and ex appropriate image.

It seems like a lot rests on that one word, but as a very sensitive and intuitive person that choice of word would set my spidey senses off.

My DP's ex is a right one for inappropriately overstepping so I know exactly how you feel Nutella. They've been split 3 years and the DCs are younger so there are things they need to discuss, but a lot of it is not urgent or important, just ramblings that could easily wait until next contact in person.

Neither DP nor I are friends with her on FB but we have mutual friends so you see things pop up sometimes. She once sat in front of me and all his family on their DD's birthday and talked about his amazing sperm and how quickly he'd got her up the duff. I was and in equal measures!

I'd be keeping an eye on it and make your DP aware that it makes you uncomfortable. If he knows that keeping her at arms' length will make you feel happier and more secure then he can avoid inadvertently being drawn into it all.

Faithless · 10/07/2015 18:24

Yes mark, I think that's it. She could show pride in her dc without using it to highlight an old relationship status with their father, there's actually no need to allude to that past connection at all.

honeyroar · 10/07/2015 18:36

I once said to my husband, when my stepson had done superbly in his GCSEs, that it must be wonderful to have created such a wonderful young man. He turned and said "you might not be his maternal mum, but you've been a big part in his life over the last decade and have been a part of creating who he has grown up to be". That applies to you OP.

Of course the mother is going to feel proud and reminisce at times like this, and it's ok for your DH to have a past and remember. As long as DH isn't messaging in secret I don't think it's a problem. I'd just say something like, "she's a bit friendly at the moment!" and laugh it off together rather than letting it become an issue.

clam · 10/07/2015 18:42

I don't know, I'm not divorced/separated, but I do know that a friend of mine has commented how, even though she and her ex are often at loggerheads, he is the only other person on the planet who cares about their dc as much as she does and loves them unconditionally. So they sometimes communicate about the dcs in a way that her "new" bloke who is an arse dislikes.

catsrus · 10/07/2015 18:57

I think reminiscing about good times, holidays etc is important to do with DC of parents who are divorced - and great if the parents can do it together. There is a danger of wanting to make the old relationship always bad, to make the new one the 'really happy one" - that's really damaging to the DC because it's teaching them that they can't trust their own experience. If the holidaying was happy then talking about it as a happy time for everyone is truthful and important. I talk about past holidays with my DC and how much fun we had. I suspect their father does not because his new wife (OW) is so eaten up with jealousy that he might have ever had a happy minute with me - bonkers.

They have both created their amazing DC - and I think there's nothing odd about acknowledging that. I certainly do not want my exH back, but I would like us to be able to talk about our DC without his dw assuming it's some plot to lure him back . Yes and I'm aware that I'm projecting like mad here! If the texts are more than just business like about the DC then that might be more of a red flag.

PtolemysNeedle · 10/07/2015 20:49

there's actually no need to allude to that past connection at all.

There's no need to go out of your way to avoid it either, it's not some taboo subject that should be avoided at all costs.

Faithless · 10/07/2015 20:51

But cats, how do you reconcile that with the DCs in the context of the fact you have broken up? I'm genuinely interested because I feel nothing but indifference for my past relationship with my DCs' dad. Neither good or bad, just in the past. I feel nostalgic for when the children were small but nothing for our relationship, it's like it never happened and we are now just vague acquaintances. Sorry to hijack thread but I'm genuinely interested in this. Why do posters feel it's beneficial to DCs for parents to re visit the old relationship?

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