Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...or is DH's ex being U?

37 replies

NutellaOnCrumpets · 09/07/2015 21:27

DP's ex wife has been texting my DP a lot recently and really starting to piss me off. Mainly remenising about their holidays (from twenty odd years ago) and other stuff from the past.
It was their dc's end of university ball the other day and she commented on their photo on Facebook of them in their outfit, (underneath my comment) saying "Haven't we created something so amazing?!"

It just feels like i am having the past rubbed in my face all the time. Their only dc together is nearly 22, they've been split for 10 years, why the constant contact?

Could this be innocent, and is just me being insecure and overthinking?

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheep · 10/07/2015 20:53

sorry but his ex is just chatting to him as you would a friend - which is fine surely?

or are ex's not supposed to get on or chat and laugh or talk? I am friendly with a fair few of my ex's - I don't want any of them back if that helps - it's just a grown up thing to do

MammaTJ · 10/07/2015 20:59

I kind of get it. My DD1 is 20 and ExH left me 12 years ago but I kind of miss having that 'proud mutual parent' thing going on about her. DP is a pretty good substitute for it but we did not 'make' her together. We just made DD2 and DS! I still have that with him over them. I would hate not to.

I am not friends with ExH on FB though. I am friends with his DD1 but still don't go on about the past. Nothing to be gained from it, but then I have moved on. Has your DP's ExW moved on?

Faithless · 10/07/2015 21:02

I get on with my ex and chat too, he came to my dd's 18th hosted by me in my home, but I don't go out of my way to highlight our "special" connection. I like his dp she's lovely, and even if it ever occurred to me to want to re visit our past, it would feel like an intrusive piss take towards her. It's all about the DCs, not the fact we both happened to have contributed our genes.

Original poster
NutellaOnCrumpets · 10/07/2015 22:33

Lots of mixed responses here and very interesting reading.

Not really sure if exW has moved on. She's not had any relationships since the split but that may just be because she's happy being single...

OP posts:
catsrus · 10/07/2015 23:11

We broke up because he met another woman faithless and fell in love Biscuit. The future I thought we had together went, but I certainly won't rewrite my past to suit a new narrative that appeals to his new wife! I look at the old family photos of us all laughing together and can confirm to my DC that, yes, that was a great holiday "and do you remember when dad went on the banana boat with you and fell off?...". I was talking to dd1 the other day about my birthday (coming up) and telling her the story of one present her dad got me that had been a joke - but a pretty perfect joke and I loved it.

I now acknowledge that the marriage was right to end, he just got there (via OW) before I did - but that change in the relationship was a change - it doesn't Wipe out the fact that we were potty about each other when we got married, we were in love when we had the DC. and had a lot of very good years. To pretend otherwise is a lie - and a lie that will hurt my DC because it will cause them to doubt the reality they lived. A kind of gas lighting to justify the breakup. I think he's doing it to justify it for himself - I'm not buying into it.

goddessofsmallthings · 10/07/2015 23:29

If his ex-wife had posted something to effect of 'Haven't I created something so amazing?!" your dp would have cause for complaint but, as it is, imo it's an entirely appropriate comment on the occasion of their dc's graduation.

How long have you been with your partner and do you have dc together? Has he given you any reason to feel insecure about his relationship with his ex-wife?

OhMittens · 10/07/2015 23:40

i think the "we created something so amazing" is probably designed to neatly cut OP out of the equasion.

If the ExW had said "Love you, amazing girl!" or whatever it would still have contained the sweet part of the message but the fact is, I think it odd that the ExW made a comment in a general place that was actually a direct message to her Ex-H, it isn't nor can it be addressed to anyone else. The message was more about communicating with her Ex-H than it was just bigging up her DD, IYSWIM. OP is right to have feelers out.

Faithless · 11/07/2015 11:02

Ok thanks for sharing that cats, it must not have been easy. I was thinking I was maybe cruel for not Romanticising my relationship with my ex for the sake of my DCs. I have never slagged him off but my feelings are honestly neutral towards him, we met so young and just drifted apart, no ow/m, little drama.i do reminisce with them for example I was telling them about a festival we went to before they were born, it's just I feel no nostalgia or yearning for that time.
So I guess it depends on the parents' narrative, as you say. I'm glad I split from my ex and that relationship wasn't my "big romance", it's my current one. Hence, I feel no need to re visit old connections. Whereas, if one partner wasn't ready for the split, there was an ow/m or that relationship was their "big romance" they maybe think about it more and want to make the connection with the other parent, like the op's DP ex. So I guess no one is BU. it depends on their interpretation of their shared history? I do feel that current relationships should be respected however, when there is no ow/m involved.

CactusAnnie · 11/07/2015 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NutellaOnCrumpets · 11/07/2015 12:41

OhMittens that's exactly how I feel - cut out. Like its purposely highlighting something I am not privy to.

We've been together over two years, no dc together, I have one from previous relationship. I get on well with my ex, my child is still in junior school though so we need a lot more communication. I still wouldn't put a comment like the exW did on a Facebook post though. Thankfully DP didn't respond to it.

OP posts:
Faithless · 11/07/2015 13:05

Yes Nutella I think it's down to your DP to manage his ex and make sure there are boundaries are in place so your current relationship isn't undermined by their past. As I said previously I wouldn't dream of doing that to my exes DP, I think it's disrespectful.
Has the dc said anything? I asked my dd what she'd think if I put that comment about their dad on fb and she laughed and said "I'd think you were being totally weird and attention seeking" ...

Faithless · 11/07/2015 13:06

Yes Nutella I think it's down to your DP to manage his ex and make sure there are boundaries are in place so your current relationship isn't undermined by their past. As I said previously I wouldn't dream of doing that to my exes DP, I think it's disrespectful.
Has the dc said anything? I asked my dd what she'd think if I put that comment about their dad on fb and she laughed and said "I'd think you were being totally weird and attention seeking" .... That's maybe because we are northern though, and don't really do gushing platitudes!!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page