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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is it just as rude to tell someone they look much younger as it is I tell people they look much older?!

93 replies

BlueBananas · 09/07/2015 20:40

I am 25, I look younger, always have, nothing I can do about it. I don't look that young as I don't get ID'd anymore, but I'm aware I don't look 25
But the amount of people that tell me I look "about 16 or 17" or that I don't look old enough to have kids, or that they thought I was "underage & pregnant" and find it hilarious is a fucking joke!
Eg. I met my mums friend for the first time a few weeks ago and I'm visibly pregnant, he said to me "you're pregnant? How old are you?!" I answered that I was 25, he said "oh God I thought you were about 16, you look so young!"! Who the fuck says this the first time they meet someone?! What if I was 16 and pregnant, what was he going to say?!
Another example my consultant at the hospital last week asked my age (read my fucking notes that are sat in front of you!) when I told him he said "oh God I thought you were about 18/19 I thought that was very young to be having a 3rd baby" if you knew it was my 3rd is it not pretty obvious that I'm younger than 18? And even if I was 19 were you about to tell me I was a massive slut?! I mean, what is peoples next line going to be??
Honestly I get these comments connnnstantly!

Can you imagine if I was horrified at someone's age and told them they looked at least 10 years older - that would be considered the height of rudeness, but it's ok the other way round??
No. It's not. It's fucking rude. So stop it all of you! Stop it stop it stop it!!!

OP posts:

Frillsandspills · 10/07/2015 00:23

Same as you OP. I was in the pound store a few weeks ago looking for clothes pegs for the washing line and the security guard came over to me and my friend (same age) and said shoulnt you girls be at school?
We politely thanked him and told him we left school quite some time ago.

he was so apologetic and embarrassed but found it funny.

Frillsandspills · 10/07/2015 00:25

But we found it funny that should have said*

ScorpioMermaid · 10/07/2015 00:59

I get this too. I'm 30. I was regularly asked for I'd for all sorts of things until about 3 years ago. I'm currently a couple of days away from my due date with #9 and people think I'm taking the piss. "you don't look old enough to have 2 never mind 9" like I can help it if I look young?! (not just me either, most of my family look a lot younger than they are) I remember when I was 20, heavily pregnant with my 3rd, had my older 2 with me (aged 2 and 3) and was trying to buy steak knives.. I was refused sale as I was 'obviously' to young to buy them.

honeyroar · 10/07/2015 00:59

Lol Ruledbycars. That's happened to me!

I hated being called younger when I was in my 20s. I loved it in my 30s and early 40s. I just turned 46 and nobody says it anymore. I'm gutted!

Ruledbycatsandkids6 · 10/07/2015 01:02

Yep Honey me too.

honeyroar · 10/07/2015 01:04

Sorry -autocorrect changed cats to cars!

Ruledbycatsandkids6 · 10/07/2015 01:05

Scorpio if you look young after 9 children are you a Whitch? Or just a lucky/mad bitch?

lunalelle · 10/07/2015 03:11

I have an 18 year old DD and am in my very late thirties. I do get judgy comments and expressions when I mention her age...it is a bit annoying but I have been cultivating my grey hairs so I can look more like a mad old witch :)

daisychain01 · 10/07/2015 04:30

If some asked me how old I think they are I'd say how old do you feel. All the rest is bollox all this fixation on appearance, lines and wrinkles.

Comments about age are no different to passing comment about a person's weight. A combination of rude, socially inept and dull. And people who do it generally get it wrong and should learn to keep their trap shut.

TheMustard · 10/07/2015 06:32

I'm also 25, and look young for my age. I generally don't mind it, especially if I've had a busy week at work or something, as it makes me feel that I don't look as awful as I imagine when I'm ID checked for wine in Tesco.

The times when it really, really grates on me is at work, actually. I teach secondary, and have had multiple comments on parents' evenings about the appearance of my age from parents. The one which stands out the most is when a Year 8 parent arrived loudly at my desk (in front of many colleagues and other parents), and said, "But this CHILD can't be teaching my daughter?!" I did feel that was hugely inappropriate in my place of work.

sashh · 10/07/2015 07:31

if you knew it was my 3rd is it not pretty obvious that I'm younger than 18? And even if I was 19 were you about to tell me I was a massive slut?! I mean, what is peoples next line going to be??

The next line was going to be about whether your pregnancy was going to be higher risk.

A man asked me today how old I thought he was. I hate this question, why do people ask it?

My carer and I play this game, people assume we are a) a couple and b) the same age, I'm 12 years older.

MumSnotBU · 10/07/2015 07:45

I get told at least once a week and that I don't look old enough to have a 18 year old or to have four dcs. I'm 45 but to have four dcs you could be nineteen minimum or certainly say, 30. There's no way I look under thirty so I don't understand it. I do find it embarrassing as I don't know what to say back.

Twasthecatthatdidit · 10/07/2015 07:54

I'm finding it hard to have too much sympathy for your problem (ageing thirty something who has never looked younger than her age). Could see how it might be frustrating in your 20s, and could affect how seriously you're taken in work. But I'll join the chorus about appreciating it in your 30s...

CrockedPot · 10/07/2015 09:12

You will look back on this stage in your life and wish you still had this problem. I always looked young for my age and still remember the shock I felt when I told someone my age (at about 38) and they didn't reply 'really? You don't look it!' And I realised my years had caught up,with my face! People mean it as a compliment, because youth, and youthful looks are valued above most other things, unfortunately.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 10/07/2015 09:20

I used to have this problem, but thanks to ds2 and his no sleeping ways my age has caught up with my face a bit.
Used to get asked for id a lot. Someone accused me of having a fake drivers licence.
The most annoying occasion? Being told at a seated church event that I had been placed with the 'young people'. I asked to be moved. The look of shock - 'Wouldn't you be happier with people your own age?'
Me - 'Yes I'm 27' (at the time)
Them - 'Oh...'
They'd put me on a table with 16 year olds. I was married, running my own business and working part time. I'd helped organise the event! I wanted to spit! Happened the year after too.

knittingbat · 10/07/2015 09:21

Honestly, I can see how it must be extremely annoying esp if you just want to get on about your day being pregnant, but really, truly, trust us all, in a few years time 'PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME I AM SO YOUNG LOOKING AND SLENDER AFTER THREE CHILDREN, THE RUDE BARSTARDS' may not be the massive insult it feels like today. Or maybe it will?! I am perfectly okay looking for my age (alright genes/sunscreen) and slim enough, but I do sigh longingly for the days when people were like 'But you're so YOUNG'!

Crocked puts this perfectly… you are a bit sighing and huffy about it for years and then people are like 'yes a 37 year old boring mum who has more recently found herself buying more stuff from m&s/boden sale than topshop THE HORROR is pretty much exactly what I'd thought you were.' Cue sobs and expensive night creams.

knittingbat · 10/07/2015 09:24

But I just want to underline in case I seemed too joky - I really can see that consultants, shopkeepers raising their eyes at you as if you are some kind of teenaged broken britain would be very insulting, patronising and annoying so you ANBU in that regard.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/07/2015 09:31

I am 38, I love it when people tell me I look younger, it really boosts my self esteem. Yes YABVVVVVU, here have a nice for your elevenses.

barbecue · 10/07/2015 09:49

Yes it's rude to comment on someone's age.

Maroonie · 10/07/2015 09:59

People who say looking young is a compliment are just reinforcing the idea that old is bad, and are supporting the destruction of woman's self esteem by linking it to looks and promoting the media agenda to get us to conform to some invented 'norm'.
YANBU

lilacblossomtime · 10/07/2015 10:00

I think it must be annoying if people act kindly towards you, as if they don't approve of you having kids. I think you can make yourself look older by how you dress and do your hair and makeup, so you might try that.

lilacblossomtime · 10/07/2015 10:00

*act unkindly

Maroonie · 10/07/2015 10:01

Why should she dress differently in order to be treated respectfully?

WorktoLive · 10/07/2015 10:12

I disagree that you get over it when you are in your thirties/forties.

I am an experienced professional 42 YO and I do look younger than my age and it gets wearing that people constantly assume I am the trainee/new graduate not someone who has been doing the job for over 20 years.

Although in the last couple of years I may now be getting past this stage, and I can even now confidently buy alcohol without ID.

So it can be as rude to make comments that people are 'too young' as if they are too old.

Out0fCheeseError · 10/07/2015 10:24

I'm in my 30s and regularly get ID'd for alcohol. This week alone one person has asked if I was on a school trip and another what I'm studying at university. It gets very wearing, especially at work where I am treated as though I am a student, ignored and spoken to dismissively, which changes as soon as it's made clear what my position is. Although it's true that youth is feted, it goes hand in hand with a bucketload of assumptions about how inexperienced I must be, and therefore that I am not worth taking seriously. It's tiresome.

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