To think trashing stuff when you're angry is unreasonable?

[Loopylala7]

Just that really. OH has a habit of breaking something when he gets annoyed and its doing my head in - I've heard people say its venting and a good release, but all I can think of is why would you destroy something you're going to have to pay to replace? we're far from loaded

So, you are working extra hard and asked him to help out more in the house.

His response was to get so angry he broke something.
He then said you were unreasonable.

How much do you feel like pressing the point that he needs to do some more housework? If you feel scared and don't want to raise the subject again then his actions have had the required effect.

My ex used to do this when stressed. Not every time he was stressed, but regularly - just enough for me to be on edge constantly and wonder what was next or if I was going to be the object of aggression next.

He really outdid himself when he smashed up the kitchen of our rented house - ripped doors of hinges, punched holes in walls, cabinets and microwave broken... before that it was just small items. It cost us a fortune to repay the landlord for the damage, and was utterly mortifying.

Well balanced adults do not behave like this. It is not 'normal'. It is calculated to frighten you and keep you on your toes all the time, and you should run like the wind if he is unable to stop behaving like this.

I would say that trashing stuff by itself isn't necessarily unreasonable, it's a response of aggression and we all have aggression and people handle it in different ways. It IS unreasonable if that aggression is taken out on an actual person, or someone elses property.

In the past I've completely flipped out about stuff, found the nearest of my possessions and broken it in anger. But no matter how angry I've been it's never crossed my mind to take that anger out on an actual person or another persons stuff, it's like a red line that is never crossed no matter what. Whereas breaking my own stuff seems to be an emergency release valve when I need to vent. So all that happens is that I have a broken item that no longer works which serves as a lesson to my stupidity. Stupid yes but not unreasonable. It's just my fault that it no longer works.

Taking your anger out by throwing around and punching a cushion would surely suffice- could you suggest he does that instead.

Many people (men mostly) who eventually become physically violent start by trashing things in a room that are not important to or don't belong to them so it can be a big red flag of what is to come.

All men who become physically violent breath air as well should we take that as a red flag?

Having a "fit of rage" and breaking things because you complained he wasn't doing a fair share of domestic work was abusive behaviour.

When I first moved in with DH, he might slam doors, slam things down. Never broke anything or frightened me, but still. It's horrible.
I talked it over with a friend which helped.

Went back to him and said I've got no interest in living with an angry man - so either you control your temper or we're over.

Since then, he's spent quite a lot of money on counselling...He takes care of his own stress levels and deals with them. And all is well. If it happened again, I'd say/do the same.

"All men who become physically violent breath air as well should we take that as a red flag?"

I do think that part of the problem here is that whereas all/most men who become physically violent towards women have previously taken their anger out on inanimate objects the flipside is not true. Not everyone who throws things around when stressed goes on to become violent towards people. I'll throw things around when stressed but I wouldn't dream of being physically violent towards a person or of intimidating them by letting them think that might happen.

That said, what bothers me about this is that he lost the plot when the OP quite reasonably asked him to do more housework. OP I agree with pp. When things have calmed down (hopefully they have by now!) talk to him. If he can be calm and rational and talks about trying to stop doing this well then OK, so long as he acts on that. If he loses the plot again, I think you have a problem.