Husband and SIL

[Bejeena]

I must be being U because my husband says I am and his sister (and assume their Mum too) say so as well. So perhaps you lovely people on Mumsnet can explain how so I understand it.

We live a couple of hours drive from my husband's family and a couple of months back they arranged to come to visit over the summer holidays.

A bit of background to our setup, husband and I have a 2 year old and live nowhere near family (not that this has anything to do with it really), SIL has a 2.5 year old and lives a couple of streets away from parents so they help them out with childcare a lot. However let me stress the amount of childcare they do for SIL makes no scrap of difference to me, I know if we lived closer my inlaws would also do same for us.

Going back to inlaws visit it was arranged months ago and all fine. Then about 2 months ago, just after we discovered I was pregnant and would have been 5 months by time of visit my husband tells me that he had arranged for his sister, brother in law and niece to come as well but forgotten to tell me.

When I found this out I asked my sister in law if they could come on another weekend for 2 reasons

1. I will be 5 months at time of visit
2. This week my inlaws come would be only chance husband and I get to have a little breather from toddler and a chance to do something on our own and get jobs done around the house before baby comes.

To add more background our house is 4 bedroom so big enough for us all at a squeeze but I personally would have found it stressful, bearing in mind my husband does nothing on bed making/changing front to prepare for guests and also SIL is a but particular about where her son sleeps has to have own room etc which might have meant room swapping whilst they were here.

My sister in law got really offended said she won't come if she is not welcome and has been off with me ever since. My husband fully backs his sister up and I can't understand why.

Please explain why I was unreasonable in not wanting this, I just can't fathom it.

Oh and in the meantime I sadly had a miscarriage but that does not have much to do with the issue here.

They just both made me out to be selfish and a bit spoilt. Can anyone explain. I am never anything but nice to them all but my inlaws are full on sometimes and I am just not used to it as my family is so different.

Was I unreasonable saying I woukd rather not have them visiting, or at least asking them to visit another time?

Yanbu. But since you're dh arranged it, he should have been the one to cancel. You problem is actually with him. He knows this, which is why he is siding with his sister.

I assume she was looking forward to the whole family spending time together at once.

From her point of view it must feel a bit shit to be invited them rescheduled.

I am sorry for your loss

Did your husband invite his sister & then you asked her to come on a different weekend?

He was wrong not to ask you first if SIL could come as well, especially if he does nothing to help, but that doesn't make it right that you tried to put her off without asking him if that is the case.

I can't see why SIL got so offended about bing asked to come at another time though.

Do the ILs usually all visit you at the same time?

...I would also wonder what your reaction would be if you did this and then your DH un-invited your siblings without telling you.

The DH should have been the one to do this given he issued the invite without space and discussion. If I was the DH I would have done but then I never would invite to squish in a small house putting a load on my pregnant wife without checking. And would be annoyed if she did to me.

Why didn't your DH rearrange OP? Didn't he care about the squishing or putting on you? Or did you not give him time?

"I assume she was looking forward to the whole family spending time together at once."

I was thinking that, but surely when OP & her husband visit, they all see each other as the ILs all live close to one another?

That said, it's also nice to see parents & siblings alone, isn't it?

Being 5months pregnant, to me, wouldn't really be an issue for most people, would it? It wouldn't stop or prevent you from doing any usual things.

hahahahahaha. How little you know.

diddl very true. But the dh invited them. So I mean she was probably looking forward to that visit in particular, iyswim. It had been arranged a while from what I can gather.

How do these kinds of men survive?

They get with women that do it all for them.

I am not sure if something was misunderstood here I never uninvited them without telling my husband, I asked them if they could come another weekend giving the reasons I mentioned in my original post, my husband was there when I asked her if she could do another weekend

Your husband messed up with dates and space though OP, why did he not issue the uninvite and face the upset?

No one said you did it without telling him. But he is the one that arranged it and 'forgot' to tell you.

From her point of view, he invited them and you uninvited them. He should have sorted it out and told her he never ran it by you to see how you feel about it

Did you discuss changing the dates with your DH before you told your SIL . If so, then why is he on 'her' side. It sounds like you did it without consulting him. Regardless of whether you offered another weekend it sounds like you SIL and your DH have taken it as an 'un-invitation'

i think yabu

if you don't see each other much it's nice to get together with the whole family. your sil offered to stay in a b&B

you say you would have to arrange fun things to do - why? regardless of this issue you need to get your dh to step up and take an equal part

when it comes to in laws i try and treat them the same as my family. does take some teeth gritting but it's only fair

YANBU.

Who invites people and then 'forgets' to tell the heavily pregnant woman who has to do all the work?

Sorry for your loss, op.

You need to start functioning as a unit where wider family is concerned. Your DH was thoughtless and set you up for this scenario by not asking first before issuing the invite. You undermined him by issuing your request again without talking to him. It really needed to come from him. You are just asking the in-laws to get involved in your marriage and resent you by handling things like this.

I don't think yabu to veto the visit though. Not at all. Anyone who does must be mad.

Sorry op, but I think you're being unreasonable here.

Sil hasn't asked for separate room for ds, so make up a bed in her room. She even offered to go to a bnb, and you still said no!

I would have just said to dh, ok, but I'm feeling knackered, here's the clean bedding, can you make them up? And I'll only be doing lunches= sandwiches etc, we'll have to eat out or order in the rest of the time.

You were happy to have ils there, this didn't have to be such a big deal.

If someone got huffy about a request ( I think you were more than reasonable), then I just wouldn't engage with them. I may agree to bringing DH's family together, but not in this instance. I'd let things settle and go back to what was originally planned.

Not all pregnancies are the same, I was sick day and night at 20 weeks and destroyed from working full time.

If sil wants a family get together, she can organise one.