Husband and SIL

[Bejeena]

I must be being U because my husband says I am and his sister (and assume their Mum too) say so as well. So perhaps you lovely people on Mumsnet can explain how so I understand it.

We live a couple of hours drive from my husband's family and a couple of months back they arranged to come to visit over the summer holidays.

A bit of background to our setup, husband and I have a 2 year old and live nowhere near family (not that this has anything to do with it really), SIL has a 2.5 year old and lives a couple of streets away from parents so they help them out with childcare a lot. However let me stress the amount of childcare they do for SIL makes no scrap of difference to me, I know if we lived closer my inlaws would also do same for us.

Going back to inlaws visit it was arranged months ago and all fine. Then about 2 months ago, just after we discovered I was pregnant and would have been 5 months by time of visit my husband tells me that he had arranged for his sister, brother in law and niece to come as well but forgotten to tell me.

When I found this out I asked my sister in law if they could come on another weekend for 2 reasons

1. I will be 5 months at time of visit
2. This week my inlaws come would be only chance husband and I get to have a little breather from toddler and a chance to do something on our own and get jobs done around the house before baby comes.

To add more background our house is 4 bedroom so big enough for us all at a squeeze but I personally would have found it stressful, bearing in mind my husband does nothing on bed making/changing front to prepare for guests and also SIL is a but particular about where her son sleeps has to have own room etc which might have meant room swapping whilst they were here.

My sister in law got really offended said she won't come if she is not welcome and has been off with me ever since. My husband fully backs his sister up and I can't understand why.

Please explain why I was unreasonable in not wanting this, I just can't fathom it.

Oh and in the meantime I sadly had a miscarriage but that does not have much to do with the issue here.

They just both made me out to be selfish and a bit spoilt. Can anyone explain. I am never anything but nice to them all but my inlaws are full on sometimes and I am just not used to it as my family is so different.

Was I unreasonable saying I woukd rather not have them visiting, or at least asking them to visit another time?

^^ no bed moving, pfft.

I can see where your sil and dh is coming from - it's a bit rude to withdraw an invite BUT he shouldn't have made arrangements without prior discussion.

It also could be taken by sil and dh that you made their parents sound like free childcare and only reason u want them there - not saying this is the case but could come across that way

I think YANBU and I think it's really odd of the SIL not to realise that, actually, as she has ILs on tap very regularly, it would be nice for them and you and your DC to have some time on your own with them, without her and her family being there too. Aside from the bedroom thing which is mad - if you are a guest you don't dictate the bedroom arrangements!

Your DH cocked up inviting/agreeing to them coming without consulting with you, and given you do all the work, that was very wrong. He should take responsibility for this and back you up, admitting he made a mistake, and apologising to you and them for the mix up.

If they are still being 'off' with you now you have had a mc, or are saying 'oh, so it'll be ok now you're not pg', then they are at the very least tactless and inconsiderate.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Rather than just un-invite them you could just have asked them if they minded doing the beds for you and helping out whilst they were there. Even better would be if you had told your DH that he should do the extra chores

She didn't un-invite them though, she asked them to come another weekend instead.
Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable asking guests to change the beds, help out with chores etc. Nor would I want the stress of trying to get my DH to take on extra chores if he wasn't willing or he didn't have time.

I can see why your SIL could take it badly. She might have been looking forward to spending time with everyone

But surely SIL should understand and make allowances given the circumstances (even if she is a bit disappointed) rather than get in a huff. I think SIL is being rather childish and self-centred, she lives close to her parents so must see them regularly anyway. If SIL's keen to spend time with everyone, she could always host a big family gathering at her own house.

Rather than just un-invite them you could just have asked them if they minded doing the beds for you and helping out whilst they were there

see, this is the problem with posters assuming all families are like theirs. Some families muck in, without even being asked, and their visits are a pleasure. Some expect to be treated like VIP guests and waited on hand and foot, insisting on the best room with free access to the best ensuite (another thread) and don't so much as wash a mug while they are there. This SIL is even precious about the room her child will/will not sleep in, wants to dictate the sleeping arangements in a house that is over full! so I can't see her being willing to make up the beds herself TBH!

The fact that OP was 5 months pregnant is neither here nor there, surely anyone has the right not to have it sprung upon them without consultation that they're hosting a large group?

Sorry for your loss, OP

YANBU. I HATE having my house used as s base for ad hoc family reunions. It's happened several times that when ILs visit (only happens 2-3 times a year) one of DH's brothers invites himself too. They're scattered all over the UK so it seems like a 2-birds-1-stone thing but it's hell. I dislike visitors, I hate my inlaws (not BILs to be fair though) and I get very stressed when I have no personal space.

I also find that it takes the focus off the ILs spending quality time with the DC, which they do precious little of in the best of circumstances, so they start playing up for attention and I end up wanting to bury an axe in someone's head.

Sorry for your loss OP. I don't think you are being unreasonable. The thing that stands out from this most (apart from your DH needing to learn how to make up beds/prepare for visitors HE has invited!) is ... why does your sister in law and her family need to come at the same time as your pil? Why can't they let you and your dc have some time with them alone? It's not like your sil doesn't see your pil on a regular basis, is it? I have to say, this more than anything would annoy me! I disagree with those saying they "don't get" why it would be such a big thing re you being 5 months pg ... it would be quite a big thing for me (I remember when I was pg with dd2 - it's hard work running around after dc1 AND trying to please everyone else too!). Hope you get it all sorted.

From the OP
I asked my sister in law if they could come on another weekend

mellow the SIL was just asked to come on a different weekend from the PILs. She wasn't uninvited or told not to come for the rest of the pregnancy.

Interesting replies and perspectives perspectives, I hadn't thought about the fact that they would see it as I only wanted inlaws to come for childcare, to the contrary I had thought she would understand that the most since she has childcare on tap and has never had to pay a penny for a babysitter and whenever she needs to do her jobs at home her Mum just comes over and watches Dn.

Regardless I should probably stress, my SIL didn't demand a room for her Ds but I know she would prefer it although would make us all on top of one another and probably all having to share one bathroom since the box room he would go in access the guest bathroom so no using spare toilet whilst he is there sleeping. She did also suggest they stay in a b and b or something, fair play to her. However that would have still left me having to plan activities, meals etc.

To give a bit of fairness to my husband if I told him to make a bed he would but he would probably leave to last minute and either expect the sheets to be there for him or put old tatty, not freshly washed ones on. Of course don't want my I laws coming to that so prefer to do myself.

In fairness to me, all.my husbands family are a bit full on, they do genuinely want us all to have a nice time but I find myself having to plan the activities and more than anything stick to them and be over punctual alongside it. My family are just not like that lol, they are very laid back, everyone just does stuff as and when they was and if you decide you don't want to go out somewhere after all that is OK to change your mind and this is way I grew up so getting used toy inlaws has been a challenge.

"To give a bit of fairness to my husband if I told him to make a bed he would"

Good grief. I wouldn't tell my husband to do anything. We ask each other to do things.

Regarding who is BU, I think it's you. Your attitude to a visit from your husband's family is so unpleasant. You just want free childcare from his parents rather than to see them and spend time with them and have vetoed your SIL and her family coming at the same time, whereas it could have been a lovely family get together and how nice it would have been for your DH.

I'm very sorry about your miscarriage of course, OP.

Hows about let them come and do nothing to prepare. I mean, you won't of course but as he invited them, he really should do the work.

I would take SIL up on her offer to stay in a B&B. Invite SIL and family round after lunch, so that you get some time with OH in the morning whilst PIL look after your DC.

@goldmandra, sorry, I understood from the OP that she didn't want them to come because she was pregnant - so assumed that she wouldn't want them to come until after the pregnancy. Possibly wrong assumption. But anyway it seems like the SIL really wanted to come if she was suggesting a BnB. I completely agree that the DH should never have invited the ILs without consultation - but I don't think it's fair that SiL got uninvited (to the family occasion she was looking forward to) because of that.

OP it sounds like you run around doing everything - cooking, making up guest rooms, organising activities. I suggest you let your DH take care of these things (or at least some of them) when his family come.

Also from the OP "saying I would rather not have them visiting, or at least asking them to visit another time?" - if you really did say words to this effect it does sound like you told them you didn't want them...

This is yet another thread where a bloke would put tatty/unclean sheets on, or just fuck up the washing busy putting darks with whites.

This kind of stuff is not rocket science, any idiot would know what clean sheets look like, and sepatating laundry is something that hardly requires any education at all.

I'd be mortally ashamed if any child of mine were this clueless. My 9yo knows this, does puberty rob you of all capacity to recognise the bleeding obvious or something?

How do these kinds of men survive? Surely evolution should have phases them out somehow?

I'd lose all respect for a grown adult that can't/won't make a bed, iron, wash up, or wash their clothes.

Op, I dunno what you should do, but lobbing a stun grenade towards your dh woul appear to be a good idea.

Wake him up a bit.

(A) he lets you know who he inviteS, and rearranges it if it clashes.
(B) he sorts out stuff for his family visiting and doesn't leave it to you
(C) he pulls his weight and changes a feels sheets here and there

I taught my son to iron this week, I teach him to cook too. It's so simple even a 9 yo can do it.

Op, sorry, I meant to add that I am very sorry to hear about your mc. Hope you are ok.

YANBU. Your in laws spend plenty of time with SiL and family. This weekend is about your DC getting to spend quality time with their grandparents.

I think the being 5 months pregnant issue is a bit of a red herring if you break down the issues to the simplest level.

The problem is that your DH made firm arrangements and 'forgot to tell you' so naturally your SIL was a bit put out at what she saw as being knocked back.

Sort it out with DH. You talk about these kind of arrangements and agree them jointly beforehand and then you prepare for the visit together.
You get the right linen out and then he helps make the beds. It gets done in half the time.
Make planning the visits, the food and everything a pleasant and joint activity, he must take his share, if he doesn't know, but him straight now before you have a lifetime of picking up. If things run to 'plan' it should take some of the workload and stress away.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Perhaps you could ring SIL and have a bit of a heart to heart and clear the air for the future. Hopefully she'll be understanding and kind and you'll be OK for the future.

You seem quite intolerant of your DH's family. Just because your family does things a certain way doesn't mean that's the only way. Sometimes for the sake of family we have to put ourselves out a bit. Sounds like you SIL and DH were looking forward to spending time with their parents and you

Yanbu. Some people are more the merrier, some would like to clump visitors together in one fell swoop (me), some would rather split visitors up into groups (DH).

DH and I agree this together and share the workload (cleaning, laundry, changing, stripping beds).

Your sil sounds precious. Having them there would change the dynamic and I'd ask her to postpone. Going out sounds lovely, hope you still get a chance to do so.

Whatever you decide, make life easy for yourself.

So sorry for your loss OP.

I wonder if your husband would find it reasonable if you asked your parents over and then asked your siblings too without talking it over with him first and thinking logically about space.

I wonder if your husband would find it reasonable if you asked your parents over and then asked your siblings too without talking it over with him first and thinking logically about space.

...I would also wonder what your reaction would be if you did this and then your DH un-invited your siblings without telling you.

I think it could easily be interpreted as cold and unwelcoming, even though that was not your intention. I can see why your husbands family would like the thought of parents, siblings and cousins all getting together. Being 20-odd weeks pregnant does not to me sound like a cast-iron excuse not to have some more family members to stay and the spare loo is a bit of a non-issue too. Could you eat humble-pie and say that at the time you thought it would be nice for your child to have some 1:1 time with grandparents, given that you saw them so infrequently, but that of course you would love a family get-together, maybe at theirs?