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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want people to do the washing up when they come round for dinner?

68 replies

CruCru · 07/07/2015 15:36

I have an acquaintance who always insists on doing the washing up when she and her husband come round for dinner. I hate this.

Partly because I invite someone round for the pleasure of their company so them going off to wash up doesn't achieve this. Partly (and more selfishly), because she is always really quite pissed and doesn't do a great job so I end up redoing it.

I've asked her repeatedly not to but she just won't stop. At one point the "menfolk" went off together to look at something and it was just me and her. With her washing up. Badly. AIBU?

OP posts:

agapimou · 07/07/2015 17:36

I hate people invading my kitchen, and I live in a country where female guests not only help clean but they actually barge into the kitchen upon arrival to help with the cooking and dishing up.

Theycallmemellowjello · 07/07/2015 17:40

YABU. She offers, you decline, she repeats, you repeat. That's how it goes. If you can't stop her (though I can't see how this could be), then just accept it graciously. She's not creating more work for you.

LadyNym · 07/07/2015 17:41

YANBU!

When MIL used to come to stay she'd always insist on 'washing' things up straight after they were used. It was really annoying for several reasons:

She is terrible at washing up and like someone up thread said, just swishes things round in lukewarm water. There were still really obvious bits of food etc. left on the dishes.

We had a dishwasher and always filled it through the day and put it on at night. Her 'washing' the stuff that could go in the dishwasher just wasted water because the dishwasher was going on regardless.

She also insisted on putting it all away...in totally the wrong places. I'd search for days after she'd gone for various dishes.

But I always felt really ungrateful being annoyed by it!

eggyface · 08/07/2015 00:15

I think washing up at someone else's house is very rude. You wouldn't march into the bedroom and start sorting their knickers out of the laundry, would you?

If I invite someone it's to offer them a nice experience of being a guest. I have gone to some trouble preparing and I would no more want them washing up than I'd want them to come early and start peeling sprouts or whatever.

End of meal, go in other room, have more wine.

Canyouforgiveher · 08/07/2015 00:20

YANBU. I also hate it. If I cook a nice dinner I like to sit with my friends and chat. I absolutely hate when people start clearing the table (not their business) or loading up the dishwasher. Hate it. and I think it is very rude and passive aggressive to expect people to be grateful/suck it up/have their wishes ignored just because it is the washing up.

If I had a friend who insisted despite me telling her (drunk and sober) that I preferred her not to, I'd pour myself a drink or a cup of coffee and join the rest of the group in the other room or at the table.

MonstrousPippin · 08/07/2015 00:48

I agree Op. YANBU. I prefer to put things through the dishwasher but it's one of those slimline ones. It's quick though so I just queue things up for a second load if we have guests. I hate it when certain friends just start to wash things up and you end up with smeary glasses and greasy residue on shitly rinsed pans.

I have to admit though that it usually works when people offer and I quite assertively say, "No thank you. I appreciate the offer but I'd really rather you didn't. I prefer to use my dishwasher. Let's go and sit down."

A wishy washy (sorry!) "oh you don't have to", "please don't worry I'll do it later " etc. may make people think you are just being kind to them rather than actually expressing a true preference for them not to do it.

RoboticSealpup · 08/07/2015 02:59

I can sympathise! When they visit us, my PILs wash everything by hand before putting it in the dishwasher, regardless of how many times we tell then it is not necessary. Huge waste of time and water!

Butterflywings168 · 08/07/2015 03:32

agapimou Greek by any chance? My ex-p is. His sister stayed with us and would not let me do a thing by myself. She definitely couldn't cope with the concept that he might be capable of cooking and cleaning, being a man...not only capable but that I expected him to do his share...and that having been well trained in PC circles where that is normal, he expected to. Ah, the memories.
It is always a balancing act...helping vs unwanted interfering.

daisychain01 · 08/07/2015 04:50

YANBU

I have a friend who literally leaps up and rushes to do the washing up leaving me to sit there at the table while all I can hear is clattering of dishes, slopping everywhere, all over the kitchen floor, and I know it will be soaps suds everywhere including the dishes that don't get rinsed grrr.

I feel like she's my cleaner, rather than a guest.

I have given up saying anything, I just let her get on with it as I can't be arsed to get the 'ump.

LilyMayViolet · 08/07/2015 07:06

I'm the same! Apart from my parents who I feel really comfortable with. I hate it when people do that. I know they're being kind but I find it overbearing!

echt · 08/07/2015 07:14

YANBU, OP. I'm on a water meter and would very much not like having to wash things twice.

RoyalMaybe · 08/07/2015 07:28

Agree it is annoying - last time my SIL and BIl came for lunch, BIL ended up washing glasses with the baby bottle brush. Appreciate the sentiment but....please just put it in the dishwasher if you really must help.

I also don't like it when you're at someone's house for a nice dinner and after the meal, when everyone is sitting relaxing with a glass of wine and some chat, the host gets up and starts doing the dishes. I then feel obliged to help clear the table etc and tbh I don't really want to!!

From this thread, maybe that's not what they're looking for but I do have one friend who does this in quite a pointed manner as if she's saying "get off your arse and help out" - I know this is not in my head because when we were students she invited three of us over for dinner before a big night out and then said we weren't going until the kitchen was clean. So the four of us were standing in her kitchen, in our going-out gear, at ten pm, doing her kitchen. We were not impressed! She wouldn't be quite so rude now that we're all a bit older but she definitely expects you to help clean up! she makes me a bit paranoid about when I'm having dinner at someone else's house. I don't want anyone to think I'm a lazy guest...it's a minefield!

nagynolonger · 08/07/2015 08:15

I agree with the OP that I wouldn't want dinner guests/friends pitching in with the washing up.

What is a bit different is a larger family do at home. If we host a party or BBQ for my sisters and brother, their families, my own adult DS, DDil and the grandchildren, I do expect some help. DH and me do all the preparation so it is nice to have some help with the clearing up. Close family should lend a hand unless they are elderly, heavily pregnant or looking after the DGC.

Original poster

CruCru · 08/07/2015 10:41

Well, I asked her not to about ten times (as in "Please don't - I really don't want you too" and once physically pulled her away from the sink. Ugh. Perhaps we'll go to a restaurant next time.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 08/07/2015 12:16

Is there anyone on here who will admit to behaving like this? I'd love to know what goes on in your head when your host is saying, "I don't want you to do that" and you still insist on doing it.

daisywellies · 08/07/2015 12:35

YANBU. I prefer to sit back and relax after dinner when friends are over, and then potter around tidying up after they're gone or even leave it til the next morning.
It really annoys me if someone insists on clearing the table and washing dishes because then I have to get up and do it as well.

MokunMokun · 08/07/2015 15:40

I always remember my mum telling me about when her neighbours invited her over for dinner. Afterwards she offered to do the washing up and they agreed so she was left alone in the kitchen for an hour as the neighbour was the type to use every pan he owned when cooking. Meanwhile the neighbours were upstairs drinking by themselves. I felt so sorry for her.

Perhaps this is a tactic that you could adopt?

Katedotness1963 · 08/07/2015 16:14

I would offer to clear the table/wash up but I'm quite happy to be told "that's okay, thanks". But please, I beg you, clear the table. I cannot stand sitting there with a congealing plate in front of me and the untidiness of the "used" table is not relaxing at all.

Original poster

CruCru · 08/07/2015 16:32

Yeah, I try to leave the stuff near the sink so it's ready for me to tackle the next morning. After dinner there should only be wine glasses (and maybe cheese) on the table.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 08/07/2015 16:40

Agree with stop inviting her round and go to a restaurant next time. Or tell her you're a bit OCD about your washing up and don't like being helped with it (even if that's not true and you just don't like being helped by HER.) That way it's clear she isn't doing you a favour and you don't want her to do it.
Offering to do washing up is fine. If someone says no then you're being a PITA for not accepting that.

Naicecuppatea · 08/07/2015 16:49

I must be a bad host because I can't bear to leave dirty dishes for any length of time after the meal (thanks Mum). I am quite happy to unobtrusively get up, clear plates and load them into the dishwasher myself, and also appreciate any help clearing but tell my guests to relax. I wouldn't want them to wash up themselves though.

After the dishes are sorted I feel much more relaxed!

Naicecuppatea · 08/07/2015 16:50

If I am a guest I will definitely help clear and stack the dishwasher. I hope I haven't been too annoying to my host by doing it.

Original poster

CruCru · 08/07/2015 18:54

Naice - if your host says that they really don't want you to wash up, do you then leave it? If so, then you aren't annoying your hosts.

OP posts:

PonyoLovesHam · 08/07/2015 19:01

YANBU. My mil does this too, but just sort of rinses things then dries with a tea towel. I hate it! I am very funny about washing up, probably to an annoying level, but I can't stand it

I'd also Loveto know what someone is thinking when you say "don't wash up" and they just CARRY ON

Naicecuppatea · 08/07/2015 19:50

Yes CruCru, I would leave it if I was told firmly!

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