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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws are a total let down

72 replies

cookiemonster100 · 05/07/2015 14:00

Inlaws are a let down

My PIL totally enable BIL & wife at generally being crap parents. You know the ones, palm the kids off at the first opportunity, can't cope with them when they are ill blah blah blah. They live close by & we live the other side of the country. We leave them to run their lives & visit each other regularly. When PIL visit they moan about BIL & his wife dumping the kids of them, which we nod sympathetically but do nothing else.
PIL won't change & BIL & his wife certainly won't either. It's been happening for years.

Where we do speak up is when both PIL & BIL & SIL behaviour impacts our lives. Lately it feels like it's been happening alot and it's getting on my nerves! I am at a total loss

:- my PIL won't come & visit us in term time as they are needed to be at home to pick up their grandchildren & ferry them to various activities after school. This is fine for the moment as we can travel up, but my eldest starts school next September so that is going to end. What's totally pissed me off is that I am having major surgery in November & I need extra support. Hubby is around & so are my parents but we all work so could do with PIL help. They have told us they can't come & help as SIL says she can't spare them. Seriously, what are they?!! The hired help. I wish PIL would just grow a pair.

:- when we visit them we are often have to account for DN's. Eg if we went out for the day we need to be back to pick up SIL kids from school. The last time this happened, we raced back, we picked DN up from school, took them to their activity, came home & fed them dinner. I find out later the reason why SIL couldn't pick then up is that she went to the gym on the way home! I was fuming, but as no one else around me as the balls to speak up I am often left voicing my opinion on my own.

:- this one has just tipped me over. So my parents are away for 3 weeks next Easter & I asked PIL if they could come & help over the holiday season & then hubby & I will use holiday to cover the days they can't do. Initially PIL were happy with this & it's all sorted. Last weekend MIL let it slip that BIL & wife are trying for another baby. MIL has just rung to let us know that she now might struggle with Easter break as SIL might be due or heavily pg by then so she will need the help. I was initially like "is she pg, how exciting", but it transpires she is not!!! So my sodding PIL are favouring the not even conceived future grandchild over my existing 2!!! I had to put the phone down before I swore my head off!!

Hubby us very upset over their behaviour but won't argue with them as he fears it will push them further away.

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 05/07/2015 19:09

I understand how you feel about inequality but you need to forget it. I know it's frustrating but if your BIL and SIL are taking the piss as much as you say then your Inlaws probably need a break and don't want to have to take on more childcare. You said in a later post that your parents don't baby sit much but they do wraparound care twice a week- that's loads!!

MistressDeeCee · 06/07/2015 02:24

Your DH is worried he will push them away...? They already ARE away! As horrible as it is, people are people and they make their own choices. They've made theirs. There truly is no use in engaging with it all and getting ever more wound up. They won't change. You can't decide to depend on people for help when they aren't there for you. & there's no obligation on their part even though to me, their behaviour is outrageous. All you can do is aim to make your own childcare etc arrangements in general. You aready know PIL are useess on that score so its something you'd have hard to sort out anyway

Flossieflower01 · 06/07/2015 03:03

I'd be sorting out childcare arrangements that didn't rely on any grandparents- that's what most people have to do! Can't you use a childminder for wrap around care?

Pepsiaddict · 06/07/2015 05:03

It's awful when grandparents don't treat their grandchildren equally. My PIL do this and we live on the same street as my B&SIL. They look after their other grandchild once a week, buy her clothes, babysit in the evenings / weekends all of which they don't do for our children who they don't see for weeks at a time. I would mind less but they then put lots of demands on my husbands time and had him painting their house the week after we told them that I was suffering badly from SPD when pregnant and was not to lift our toddler etc.

They genuinely think they are grandparents of the year.

MistressDeeCee · 06/07/2015 06:06

So many threads pop up here and there about wives with awful, unfeeling, unhelpful PIL, with their DH running behind his parents seeking their favour approval, when its not reciprocated. Whilst I understand why it happens - after all, most of us seek parental approval even subconsciously - I wish these men would just grow up, cleave to their wives and be supportive (thats what marriage is, remember?!) & stop acting like little boys running after mummy and daddy. Horrible for wives right there on the spot having to witness unfair behaviour which impacts upon them. I suppose its ok for the DH who has a convenient readymade sounding board re. the slights suffered from parents, but its frustrating for DW to witness. Not fair

Meerka · 06/07/2015 08:34

I think it's very hurtful to be not so much 2nd class as 10th class citizens.

To wriggle out of a commitment for next easter on the basis that SIL might be pregnant then is ridiculous.

I'm with DoreenLethal Make it bloody obvious just how unpleasant their lack of interest is then don't rely on them ever again. Also, don't make an effort to see them; it will be painfully obvious to your children over time just how much less they are valued than SIL's children. That sort of thing does kids no good at all and it's best to keep away from them.

DinosaursRoar · 06/07/2015 11:05

MistressDeeCee - that's a little unfair, there's been many threads on here from woman who've been the unfavoured child growing up and still as adults are running around trying to 'win' their parents affection, or who feel they have to make all the effort or their parents won't care about their DCs.

It can be very hard to break habits from childhood.

But as the OP is the one who's been doing the 'running' so far, she can stop. Stop asking them, stop trying. Stop traveling, stop making yourself available. Leave them to it. They want a relationship, they'll have to put some effort in.

Arrange for paid for childcare, then leave them to it.

KERALA1 · 06/07/2015 11:08

Totally endorse Dinosaurs. We have similar rubbish in laws but it not as bad as they are equally rubbish to BIL.

Lower your expectations and give up. We have a chuckle about the amazingly lame excuses DH parents give for not even SEEING their adorable granddaughters let alone looking after them. Our favourites:

"we cannot come for (DDs first) Christmas because we can't leave the cat"

"we cannot come and visit you whilst we in UK (FOR A MONTH!) because our guttering needs to be sorted. And you can't visit us either as the house isn't up to it"

"we cannot look after the girls whilst you attend a family wedding (that all my family were at) because we might have paperwork to do that weekend"

Yes we get it they are SO not into us!

derxa · 06/07/2015 11:16

kerala1

KERALA1 · 06/07/2015 11:22

"might have paperwork" is now DH and my code when an event comes up that we don't want to go to

Lateswim16 · 06/07/2015 11:28

I think the grandparents need to tell everyone to stop using them for childcare and get a life of their own.

RiverTam · 06/07/2015 11:35

Tome you are coming across as very jealous that BIL has managed to nab your PILs for childcare ahead of you being able do. Frankly I think you should all stop using, or expecting to use, GPs for childcare. Sort out a childminder. Kerp GPs for fun days out and treats.

BarbarianMum · 06/07/2015 11:50

Actually I feel quite sorry for them. Doesn't seem like anyone actually wants to spend time with them as people. They're just this child-minding resource and the OP is kicking off because she and dh are not getting "their" share of the pie

Lateswim16 · 06/07/2015 11:56

Well yes that was my thoughts too.

I am looking forward to grand children but for the treating of them, loving and supporting them and babysitting.

Wouldn't consider long term organised childminding. Been there done that with my own 4.

Suprised these grand parents aren't either working themselves or just enjoying retirement.

Hairylegs007 · 06/07/2015 11:59

Can you ring again and say you were confused about the last call and your calling to firm up dates for Easter. Then when they explain again SIL might be pregnant and needing them, you can take the opportunity to explain that It feels like they are the favoured children.

Hairylegs007 · 06/07/2015 11:59

But the best thing would be to lower your expectations and let them get on with it

diddl · 06/07/2015 12:22

But isn't it also that they originally said that they would help at Easter?

How would the ILs have not needed them then?

And now they have said that they won't help in case SIL is pregnant or has a newborn!

Hairylegs007 · 06/07/2015 14:03

You could always start jokingly referring to nephews nieces as the favoured grand kids

Original poster

cookiemonster100 · 06/07/2015 14:06

Kerla I think we might use "we might be pg" for our get out clause!

Just to clarify, we have never asked either grandparents to help with childcare, it all started with them initially offering. PIL are retired, they offered to help BIL family with childcare when the kids were born. Over time it has escalated. We have stepped in before when MIL complained about BIL taking advantage, and basically DH got blamed for interfering. MIL did not even have the decency to back hubby up. When PIL come and visit us( & Vice versa) to maintain relationships, not to babysit. I think in 5 years they have looked after our kids twice whilst we had event on my side of the family.

My parents actively encouraged us to move closer to them so they could help us with childcare, so we did. They both work for the family business so their work life is flexible. Yes 2 days a week wrap around care is a lot, but we are certainly grateful. We also do a lot stuff together with my brother and sister and their kids over the weekend & my folks love it. They seem to be grandparents that thrive in a busy house, they hate the quiet and we enjoy the comany.

OP posts:

DisappointedOne · 06/07/2015 14:12

A distant relative died weeks ago and his death still hasn't been registered because PILs have been running around after their 5 local grandchildren. The thought of telling one or more of their adult children to take some responsibility for their own kids and make a different arrangement so that they can go and do it apparently hasn't occurred to them!

Timetodrive · 06/07/2015 14:29

My mother loved spending time with the grandchildren but generally within her own home and surroundings. I lived away and whilst she came down she would rather be a guest than a childminder, my mother would of used excuses not to come if solely for looking after GC and may have used my siblings children as reasons. If I dropped the grand children off she would of been overjoyed. If you do not live close relationships will be different.

Teabagbeforemilk · 06/07/2015 15:15

I am confused as to how your relationship can ever be fair with you living so far away. Personally I believe fair an equal are not the same thing.

Especially when you say your parents encouraged you to move to them. I am sure your pils and bil and sil felt it was unfair you moved to the other side of the country to be near your parents but not near your dhs parents.

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