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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws are a total let down

72 replies

cookiemonster100 · 05/07/2015 14:00

Inlaws are a let down

My PIL totally enable BIL & wife at generally being crap parents. You know the ones, palm the kids off at the first opportunity, can't cope with them when they are ill blah blah blah. They live close by & we live the other side of the country. We leave them to run their lives & visit each other regularly. When PIL visit they moan about BIL & his wife dumping the kids of them, which we nod sympathetically but do nothing else.
PIL won't change & BIL & his wife certainly won't either. It's been happening for years.

Where we do speak up is when both PIL & BIL & SIL behaviour impacts our lives. Lately it feels like it's been happening alot and it's getting on my nerves! I am at a total loss

:- my PIL won't come & visit us in term time as they are needed to be at home to pick up their grandchildren & ferry them to various activities after school. This is fine for the moment as we can travel up, but my eldest starts school next September so that is going to end. What's totally pissed me off is that I am having major surgery in November & I need extra support. Hubby is around & so are my parents but we all work so could do with PIL help. They have told us they can't come & help as SIL says she can't spare them. Seriously, what are they?!! The hired help. I wish PIL would just grow a pair.

:- when we visit them we are often have to account for DN's. Eg if we went out for the day we need to be back to pick up SIL kids from school. The last time this happened, we raced back, we picked DN up from school, took them to their activity, came home & fed them dinner. I find out later the reason why SIL couldn't pick then up is that she went to the gym on the way home! I was fuming, but as no one else around me as the balls to speak up I am often left voicing my opinion on my own.

:- this one has just tipped me over. So my parents are away for 3 weeks next Easter & I asked PIL if they could come & help over the holiday season & then hubby & I will use holiday to cover the days they can't do. Initially PIL were happy with this & it's all sorted. Last weekend MIL let it slip that BIL & wife are trying for another baby. MIL has just rung to let us know that she now might struggle with Easter break as SIL might be due or heavily pg by then so she will need the help. I was initially like "is she pg, how exciting", but it transpires she is not!!! So my sodding PIL are favouring the not even conceived future grandchild over my existing 2!!! I had to put the phone down before I swore my head off!!

Hubby us very upset over their behaviour but won't argue with them as he fears it will push them further away.

OP posts:
Teabagbeforemilk · 05/07/2015 15:49

Without sounding awful, you will always have a different relationship with them. You live far away. They see and help bil and sil everyday. If they don't want to, they need to tell them that.

You can't have the same relationship as someone living close by. As it goes mum and dad do loads for my dbro and sil. However I have the better relationship with our parents. I don't hold the fact that dbro and sil want more support and we all get on better. Dbro tends to feel a bit resentful that he always asks for help, but still does it.

ollieplimsoles · 05/07/2015 15:51

Why does your mil know bil and his wife are trying for another baby? Is that the done thing now? You tell people even before you're pregnant? Confused

Mintyy · 05/07/2015 15:57

I should think the last thing they'd want to do in the Easter holidays is look after yet more children when they do so much (not always happily, it seems) for their other grandchildren.

It really is unrealistic to ask people to travel across the country to look after your children unless in a dire emergency, don't you think? You have plenty of time to organise wrap around childcare between now and next Easter!

When do they ever get a break from childcare? I do agree that your sil and bil sound horribly selfish.

Mintyy · 05/07/2015 15:59

Also agree that you and dp seem to need a LOT of help! There's two of you plus your parents ... you have it so much better than the majority of people in terms of willing helpers in your family life.

derxa · 05/07/2015 16:01

We lived 400 miles away from both sets of iLs and ours were and always will be the only gc. We just had to get on with it. I would have loved to have had my mother and father there to help. Sadly even if we had lived close by they wouldn't have done half of what your parents have done. I feel deeply sad thinking about it after all those years.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/07/2015 16:15

Is BIL the 'golden child' who was favoured over your husband?

NerrSnerr · 05/07/2015 16:23

I don't understand. Why do you need your inlaws to come over to help when your parents are away? You said you were annoyed that your bil and sil use your inlaws for lots of childcare but you cannot cope for 3 weeks without your parents?

TheBakeryQueen · 05/07/2015 16:29

I feel sorry for the PILs, as it seems everyone just demands & expects childcare from them! Sounds like they can't win.

CardinalRed · 05/07/2015 16:31

SO they help with the DGC that live locally, and your parents help with your DC.

But you expect your ILs to travel across the country to look after your children when your parents are on holiday? It's confusing, because you said your parents work - so how would they be looking after your DC during the daytime if that is the case?

Why aren't you and your DH taking leave to cover that instead of expecting them to pick up the slack?

If the ILs provide daily childcare for the other DGC, then obviously they can't just leave them to come and look after your DC in November either. Isn't your DH taking leave then anyway if you need extra help?

Sounds like you might benefit from looking into childminders.

SugarOnTop · 05/07/2015 16:31

When PIL visit they moan about BIL & his wife dumping the kids of them, which we nod sympathetically but do nothing else.

so you choose to stay quiet and then complain that nothing changes with them?

chewymeringue · 05/07/2015 16:48

Sorry op, I know it's extremely hard to sort out childcare at times and having the support of family is so helpful. However, I don't think you'll find many people that get help from both sets of grandparents. I have MASSES of help from my parents as I live close to them and was a single mum for several years. Sil has help from her parents and very occasional help from mine. My parents are fabulous but they wouldn't fancy an enforced childminding holiday across the country.

As for in laws Dw's mother is elderly and I am her carer so, as you can see, it's the other way around!

You are the priority for your parents, SIL is the priority for her parents, that sounds pretty fair and as if you are both quite lucky.

CPtart · 05/07/2015 17:05

I could write a ten year list of the imbalance of financial and practical help that PIL have provided to SIL and BIL (who live next door). They even plan their holidays for when SIL take theirs so their childcare arrangements won't be affected. We are left to sort ourselves out, take opposite leave etc. At least we owe them nothing, and as they age, may be glad that we are not so close.
I have very little sympathy for GP who moan about helping out regularly. Why don't they just say no like my DM.

ApocalypseThen · 05/07/2015 17:13

A total let down? People who live that distance away not wanting to travel to provide free wrap around childcare? They've a nerve calling themselves family.

Original poster
cookiemonster100 · 05/07/2015 17:35

I think I would have far more respect for them if they just says no. No they can't help over the times we need. But to agree then let us down on the off chance that might SIL might be pg & due around the same time is pretty lame. It's fine, I have plenty of time to arrange something. Even in November, we will cope. We rarely ask them for help. Even my own parents, we rarely ask for babysitting. I am incredibly fortunate to have them as they share themselves for all grandchildren regardless of distance. I suppose I look at it, if my brother wife asked my mum for help due to op or unusual circumstances & if mum & dad wanted to go there would be no way I would stop them. We just get on with it. It was us that actively encouraged them to book their dream holiday in the Easter. They deserve it.

It's the generally feeling we are second. DH brother family are more valuable to them than us.

OP posts:
diddl · 05/07/2015 17:39

I think that it'a difficult one re November.

You are asking for help after surgery. Hardly a frivolous request.

I guess it's up to them what they deem important enough to travel to you and not do what they usually do.

Re Easter Why do you need help then?

Duckdeamon · 05/07/2015 17:50

Agree that SiL's possible (!) pregnancy is a rubbish reason. They would be letting you down if they cancelled a week or a month before. But even November is many months away: more than adequate time to arrange childcare!

In an earlier post you said your parents provided 2 days "wraparound" care a week.

Duckdeamon · 05/07/2015 17:52

If there are longstanding family dynamics where DH is treated badly and other sibling(s) favoured then that is unfair and you sadly should expect this kind of stuff to continue and act to protect your DC accordingly. If it's a toxic dynamic he might need some help to address this.

soverylucky · 05/07/2015 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cookiemonster100 · 05/07/2015 18:02

Thank you Sovery Flowers

OP posts:
Teabagbeforemilk · 05/07/2015 18:05

November I understand, and I believe they did say no. Easter is weird and can only assume they were trying to prepare you just in case. In a few weeks you will know wether she is or not and they may help. Chances are she won't be. They haven't said no as no one knows whether she will be pg yet.

There is a different dynamic. And yes it can feel like you are second. But since you live on the other side of the country that's to be expected.

I can't work out who is bu here to be honest. You say your parents only do it occasionally, and yet you are trying to arrange choldcare about 9 months in advance. So they must help put more than occasionally, it must be regular surely? You say when your parents aren't there you just get on with it, but can't do that at easter.

I think your pils are slightly unfair, but I can't see how it could be made fair.

diddl · 05/07/2015 18:15

Perhaps they just don't want to help and are using Dil as an excuse?

DinosaursRoar · 05/07/2015 18:17

I agree it's not about the help, or lack there of, it's about your DCs being seen as less of a priority. Now, it could well be that they think their other son and DIL are bad parents and feel they have to drop everything for them, not because they prefer them, but they don't think they can parent without their help, whereas they have far less fears about you and your DH.

Or it could be that they like being seen as 'essential' to BIL and SIL.

Or it could be their relationship with them is a bit precarious, and they feel if they don't help they won't get to see the DGCs on that side, whereas you will make yourself available to them to keep a relationship with your DCs when it fits round what the PILs can do.

Or it could just be they like BIL/his DCs more. Sad Does your DH feel that his brother was a favoured child earlier?

What I would say is stop being the ones ot make the effort. If they want to see your DCs, esp as DC1 will be at school, then they will have to make themselves available to come to you, not you go to them. It just won't be possible anymore. I would not ask them again, make childcare arrangements that might well mean paying for care, and wait to see just how long it is until they are prepared to come to you. "It doesn't work for us to come to you in the day, you're always welcome here, let me know when suits you."

derxa · 05/07/2015 18:28

I understand now cookie. You feel that you PIL favour your children's cousins and that is a bit shitty. I'm sorry that is the case.

chewymeringue · 05/07/2015 18:39

I agree that the excuse about your SIL's possible pregnancy is odd and irritating and when you're up against it it would be nice if they could support you. On that basis yanbu. I don't think it's unusual to be less close to grandparents who live a distance away or for them to help a lot less in that basis.

diddl · 05/07/2015 18:57

I've just realised that the GC who live nearby are at school. So how much looking after do ILs actually do?

Whereas you actually want childcare for some hours per day?