To be pissed off that people feel sorry for someone who walks away from their child

[Frillsandspills]

Mt ex OH left me when he realised I wouldn't have an abortion (I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant). He spat in my face in public and just acted so childish about the whole thing, and to be honest I was utterly humiliated. We have the same group of friends, a few of his close friends I've knows before I knew him, others I know because of him.
I spoke to my ex OH yesterday (nothing but arguments) and he said that his friends all feel sorry for him because I've 'led him on' into thinking I'd have an abortion.
I went to an abortion clinic twice, once at 9 weeks and again at 14 weeks (as well as having a third appointment booked I felt I couldn't attend). I was distraught in the waiting room and even staff picked up on it and knew I didn't want to be there and they were so lovely about it each time. My ex OH is livid that I've been and not went through with it, when I had no idea how id feel when I was faced with sitting in the clinic, and to be honest I felt I'd rather be dead than there as I wanted my baby (which he knew). It was only at the 14 week appointment I plucked up the courage to tell him I couldn't go through with it as much as part of me wishes I could have kept him happy, and this was when he spat in my face.
He just doesn't understand the emotional distress that comes with an abortion, he thinks you're sad for a few weeks then that's it it's the easy way out as opposed to having a child.
I don't mind the fact he doesn't want to be around, of course it upsets me but I wish he'd walk away with dignity rather than kicking up a big fuss. He's told me I'm poison for leading I'm on and that he wishes he'd never met me as well as other disgusting things I don't really want to repeat. He doesn't realise that I wouldn't have gone to a clinic without the intentions of doing what he wanted, I didn't go for the fun of it.
Anyway, his friends know about the situation and have asked how things are and he's told them I've led him on and I only said I'd have an abortion so I could still speak to him. They all feel really sorry for him. Obviously they're getting one side of the story but I wish I could shout from the mountain tops everything he's put me through.

AIBU for being angry at the fact people are actually feeling sorry for someone that not only walks away from their child, but who tries to emotionally manipulate someone into having an abortion and who spits in a woman's face because she's carrying HIS child.
I know his friends are bound to feel sorry for him because he's not happy, but if that was one of my best friends (and I have a few male ones) I wouldn't pussyfoot around telling them they're completely out of order. But that's just me.

Myself and my ex always spoke about having kids, he really wanted them (and with me). We've had names picked out for years as we always knew we'd be a family. It's just happened a lot earlier than we would have liked and for him there's no way to work around it.

I too feel for men who are forced to be parents when they don't want to be, and it is sad when situations like that arise. But I would NEVER force him to be around if he didn't want to. It just saddens me that at the minute he doesn't see the baby as a person, he's still convinced it's still a 'blob' without a clear gender. He hasn't been to any scans or to hear the heartbeat so I think that's why I'm so attached and he isn't. I just wish he'd stop dismissing my child as not being another human, because he doesn't see it as one

Lots of people don't see a foetus as a proper baby. I was very detached during my pregnancy (was a lot further along than imagined so was unable to make a decision). I didn't want a child, I was scared and there was nothing I could do. Now things couldn't be different and I wouldn't be without my dd for the world. Not wanting a child doesn't make him a bad person but the way he has reacted makes me think you had a lucky escape!

I still can't bring myself to think he's a bad person. I know he's scared, but he's never really sat down and told me exactly why he doesn't want a child. Just that 'he doesn't want to have to deal with a kid' which I suppose is a reason in itself. But I've told him he wouldn't have to, I'll happily do all the work. I just wish he'd have left things at that and not pushed and pushed me

I was in your position 12 years ago op.

As awful as things are now, they won't always be.

My daughter and I found our way with the love, guidance and support of an amazing family and some very special friends.

He won't be around, encourage him to walk away because he has no interest in the child and isn't likely to come around now (12 years on and my cunt-ex refuses to acknowledge DD even though a DNA test and CMS (CSA as was) say otherwise).

Concentrate on building a life for you and your child. You're in for a hard yet fun ride. You call the shots, nobody else.

If I could go back and comfort the sobbing wreck with no idea how her future was going to pan out, I would, and I would say "it's all going to be fine"

You shouldn't put him on birth certificate. However, I think there might be a problem with that because you have a good relationship with his mother. She will try to talk you into it. Because otherwise she wouldn't be officially a grandma IYSWIM. I would cut the ties with her as well, just to make sure he couldn't try and get in your babys life. I know it sounds cruel, but if she's in contact with him, she will be trying to get him involved.

Well then, he should have worn protection himself if he did not want a child yet, why does the woman mostly have to take responsibility fir contraception, he is blaming her because she took St Johns wort. The way he has acted is disgusting, I woukd not want him in my chikds life.

Because I'm assuming thats the contraception method that they chose as a couple, aeroflot. I don't think it's case of women have to be responsible for contraception because they're a woman, it's more likely because there is a wider range of contraception for women than there is men, and plenty of women as well as men don't like using condoms.

Personally I can't take hormonal contraception so in that respect we always used condoms. After one broke I stopped having sex altogether as that's the only method that's 100% reliable, but I can see why it wouldn't work for some couples as I miss it so much!

I agree that his behaviour has been terrible. If my dp spat in my face I would probably have punched him!

As far as I'm aware, if the OP isn't married she cant put him on the birth certificate unless he is present anyway.

We aren't married. I suppose it's up to him if he's there or not. I think when he's calmed down he wouldn't start being arsey with his parental rights but if he's not there there's nothing I can do.
As much as he has acted horribly, I wouldn't want him to regret his decision if he ever comes to terms with the idea that this is actually a little person. Or if they meet when my child is 18 and they both wish they'd been in each others lives.
I have a lot to think about, but I think if he did want to be around and he could be civil (it would take a lot to convince me he isn't going to behave in such a way again before he went near our child) I'd give him a chance for the sake of my baby.
I love my dad and I can't imagine growing up without him and him and my mum had their fair share of trouble.

I honestly don't think he'd ever want to be a part of the child's life which is perhaps why it's a bit easier for me to say he could have a chance, because really I don't think he'd want one

Your ex sounds like mine OP. It was hard, he initially said he wanted contact and after him treating me like crap i said yes to supervised contact in my home, a few things happened along the line and we ended up back together for all of one month and then he turned abusive. I left with DS and never looked back- 5yrs on I have a husband to be, A lovely happy DS and a 15 month old DD. You will get through this xxxxxxx

Just need to add that although I do have some sympathy for the situation he is in, his behaviour is disgraceful, you sound utterly reasonable and lovely, and I wish you the best of luck

YUDOTHIS I love hearing stories like that. My mum said to me the other day that one day I'll meet someone and it'll make me realise he wasn't 'the one' as much as I'd love to believe now that he is.

Thank you Sunday things are bound to start looking up

Can I just go back to your OP, Frillsandspills regarding your ex's friends? Two things:

"I spoke to my ex OH yesterday (nothing but arguments) and he said that his friends all feel sorry for him because I've 'led him on' into thinking I'd have an abortion."

"Anyway, his friends know about the situation and have asked how things are and he's told them I've led him on and I only said I'd have an abortion so I could still speak to him. They all feel really sorry for him. "

Am I right in thinking you've not spoken to any of these friends, and that everything is coming through the poisonous filter of your ex? Because it's just possible that when "he said that his friends all feel sorry for him" - he was lying through his teeth.

You know these people. Do you really think, faced with him saying that you only agreed to an abortion so that you could still speak to him - that these people would not have judged HIM?

WhereYouLeftIt yes I haven't spoken to any of them, I don't particularly want to either because although i classed them as 'friends' I think this is a little too personal, but I do understand why my ex OH has spoken to them because they're all close.
I think if they did judge him they'd be too polite/up his arse to say anything anyway. I feel like I need to justify myself to everyone. But like someone has said once they can see I don't need him or I haven't asked him for anything it'll be clear I've not done anything wrong.
I don't know why I care so much about what they think anyway because my CLOSE friends and family are all I need right now.

He's now blocked my number as of about 20 minutes ago because I'm 'pathetic' as when 'life throws me anything hard I flap it' he's referring to an abortion here. Because of course deciding to raise a child for the next 18 years (and more) is definitely the easy way out!!

I think as hard as it is you need to be firm and loud and clear so everyone knows that the message you have given cant get twisted.
Quite simply say to him...
This is your choice as to how involved you are. You choosing to walk away and have nothing to do with this baby is not going to change my mind on weather or not i have it. Your support changes nothing to do with the love that this child will be raised with. I will give you the opportunity to be involved with this but i am not going to lower either myself or this child and beg you to be part of this child's life.
But be clear on one thing. If you commit to this then you stick by it. Through thick and thin, good and bad. Because the moment i have to pick up the pieces or protect this child from the sort of selfish juvenile behaviour that you have shown yourself to be capable of. Make no mistake i will put this child's feelings first and cut you out completely. Because instead of screaming and spitting in peoples faces while thinking only of our own wants, in prepared to be a grown up. If you cant then so be it.

mother that's a brilliant way to say it, thank you.
I'm going to have that sort of talk with him when he's calmed down. Whilst he's angry anything I say he doesn't really listen to or just dismisses so if I tell him again when he's calmed down it would be a case of "you've already said this to me".
That's if he ever unblocks my number or decides to ever come and see me.

What mother said but in writing. Store a copy with a solicitor. Then there is no debate over what was said. I had to communicate with my ex this way and it worked well because he knew there was no escaping from the facts to suit his agenda. I have had no contact, no money, nothing and I wouldn't have had it any other way because there has also been no aggro. It's not easy raising a child on your own but you can and will do it. Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well and you reach a solution that works re ex.

He is behaving dreadfully.

He may regret his behaviour in the future or he may not.

I sympathise with the fact that he clearly doesn't want a child at the moment - whether that's at all or because he doesn't think you are his life partner..

Having a child alone is horrendously difficult and depressing. I've been there. But I came through and so will you. You will need good support and should surround yourself with as many supportive friends and family as possible. You said his mum is excited - she may well be a godsend.