To be pissed off that people feel sorry for someone who walks away from their child

[Frillsandspills]

Mt ex OH left me when he realised I wouldn't have an abortion (I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant). He spat in my face in public and just acted so childish about the whole thing, and to be honest I was utterly humiliated. We have the same group of friends, a few of his close friends I've knows before I knew him, others I know because of him.
I spoke to my ex OH yesterday (nothing but arguments) and he said that his friends all feel sorry for him because I've 'led him on' into thinking I'd have an abortion.
I went to an abortion clinic twice, once at 9 weeks and again at 14 weeks (as well as having a third appointment booked I felt I couldn't attend). I was distraught in the waiting room and even staff picked up on it and knew I didn't want to be there and they were so lovely about it each time. My ex OH is livid that I've been and not went through with it, when I had no idea how id feel when I was faced with sitting in the clinic, and to be honest I felt I'd rather be dead than there as I wanted my baby (which he knew). It was only at the 14 week appointment I plucked up the courage to tell him I couldn't go through with it as much as part of me wishes I could have kept him happy, and this was when he spat in my face.
He just doesn't understand the emotional distress that comes with an abortion, he thinks you're sad for a few weeks then that's it it's the easy way out as opposed to having a child.
I don't mind the fact he doesn't want to be around, of course it upsets me but I wish he'd walk away with dignity rather than kicking up a big fuss. He's told me I'm poison for leading I'm on and that he wishes he'd never met me as well as other disgusting things I don't really want to repeat. He doesn't realise that I wouldn't have gone to a clinic without the intentions of doing what he wanted, I didn't go for the fun of it.
Anyway, his friends know about the situation and have asked how things are and he's told them I've led him on and I only said I'd have an abortion so I could still speak to him. They all feel really sorry for him. Obviously they're getting one side of the story but I wish I could shout from the mountain tops everything he's put me through.

AIBU for being angry at the fact people are actually feeling sorry for someone that not only walks away from their child, but who tries to emotionally manipulate someone into having an abortion and who spits in a woman's face because she's carrying HIS child.
I know his friends are bound to feel sorry for him because he's not happy, but if that was one of my best friends (and I have a few male ones) I wouldn't pussyfoot around telling them they're completely out of order. But that's just me.

In all fairness as much as I don't wish to defend him I was on the pill at the time but taking herbal anti anxiety tablets due to some stress I was going through. My grandmother had bought me them as it was obvious To everyone I was a little down and they were only bought from tesco (St John's wort) I didn't have a clue they prevented the pill working properly but I felt better after taking them as I had my appetite back etc , however it's not like he used any form of protection himself. Because of this he blames me as I should have read the box, and i should have but honestly with them just being a sort of herbal remedy I didn't think at all. Glad I didn't though because then I wouldn't have my baby, and I'd probably still be in a relationship that was probably going to end badly for another reason instead.

I appreciate your responses so much. It's comforting to hear of people who have been in a similar situation and gotten through it. A friend said to me yesterday if I can get through this there isn't much that will get to me in the future.

Well I'd keep a record of it all, because I'm willing to bet you a few years down the line you will have a Fathers For Justice lunatic on your hands who suddenly thinks he's dad of the year and will be fighting you for access if not residency and all his mates will think he is amazing for that, too. (In other words: cut him and everyone who is a mutual friend out of your life and give out no information once the child is born, on FB or anywhere they could search - because "men" who act like that are F4J members in waiting. Don't ask me how I know).

Ah yes, get advice about putting his name on the birth certificate, they have to attend the appointment with you so if he's so Fucking aghast at how you've treated him, then hopefully he will leave you alone to do what's best. DD doesn't have a fathers name on the birth certificate which means I have full parent responsibility which is marvellous! its certainly something to think about and decide

Now is when you find out who your friends are!
Some will go and support your ex, but don't worry about them.
You will make new ones, with new shared interests.
Babies!
You will meet new parents and hopefully find some you have other stuff in common with.
It will be hard, but try and make a clean break.
If he doesn't want to be around for first smiles, first steps, first school play... That is his choice.
Your little one will know this, when they are older and choosing nursing homes!
Yes, your ex is a twat. Nothing you can do about it, so keep your energy for you and baby.
Try to attend a many baby classes as you can, to meet new people.
And if you see any of your old friends, explain your side of the story. Chances are, some will see your side when they hear it.

Congratulations

Your ex is an abusive arse. You know this. I'm sure its hard to take. But it is what it is.

Your family and friends are supporting you. His mum is supporting you. This is all you need to know.

He tells you that his mates feel sorry for him. Of course he tells you this. In his tiny, little mind his mates back him which means he was right all along. It serves the purpose of him being able to look in the mirror and not feel repulsed by what he has done.

However the truth is probably much less clear. He had embellished his side of the story. Or he's told them a pack of lies. Or they side with him to shut him up. Or they don't support him but can't be arsed to call him on it.

Whichever is the truth, they are not your friends. Blow them away in the wind.

And when baby does arrive and its time to register the birth, simply forget to tell your ex about the appointment. You can not put a father's name on the certificate if you are not married unless he is physically there at the time of registration.

I would have nothing more to do with him or his stupid mates. Cut them all off, and concentrate in bringing your child up with your family support. It takes two to make a baby, if he was that dead set against the idea, he shoukd not have had sex. Whenever you have sex there is a possibility a baby çoukd result, even with contraception, that can fail.

Just seen the other threads mention birth certificates.
Yes, leave the father space blank!
My dd does not have my ex filled in.
He walked out when I was pregnant with her. Ds was really pleased. He is much less stressed now!
We are going abroad for a wek in the summer. I sorted it all. Didn't need to grovel for him for permission or anything.
Yes, the first few months will be hard with 3hour feeing, but it is worth it!

Frills - I was on the pill, but we used condoms as I'd heard of friends getting pregnant on the pill. Once the condom split so I got the morning after pill - I had twins! Some babies are just meant to come at that time.

Their dad split with me while I was pregnant, but I'm so thankfull I've got these girls.

I've been thinking about the birth certificate a lot lately. I really don't think he'd want to be put on it. In some ways it saddens me because before this, I couldn't fault him. This reaction/attitude he's had has came out of the blue and I've been with him for years. I think that's why it's got to me so much, bevause before this I thought he had a heart of gold and he'd be an amazing dad, so I'm sad my views are tarnished in a way.
I feel sorry for his mum more than me to be honest, she's such a lovely woman and she's told me she didn't bring him up to be so nasty and I know she didn't. She can't wait to be a nan to this child and I'm just so sad she can't get excited properly.

I would not put him on the birth certificate either, or he could cause trouble later in relation to contact and courts.

YABVU.

He does deserve sympathy, especially from his own friends, as do you. You are both in a difficult position, but because of biology you have the right to decide what happens and he doesn't. The choice is 100% yours as to whether you keep your baby or not, but he should have as much right as you do to decide whether he wants to be a parent or not. Isn't that what equality is supposed to be about - men and women having equal rights?

I would support some kind of legislation that protects men's lives in these situations. It doesn't seem fair to me that because women have the right to decide what happens to their bodies for a mere nine months that they can make such a significant diffence to men's lives for the next 18 years.

He's a twat for the spitting and treating you badly, but tbh I think lashing out in such awful circumstances is forgivable and doesn't neccesarily make him a bad person. Same as I'd understand a woman lashing out if she were about to be forced into being a parent against her will.

If you want your baby then I wish you all the support possible, but I think you need to accept that you've made a choice to do this on your own, and that makes you 100% responsible for everything your child needs, practically, financially and emotionally.

I did say in my post I don't mind him walking away, as long as he did so with dignity. I'm not annoyed that he walked away at all I know it's his choice, it's the emotional manipulation etc. He told me at one point if I didn't abort this child he will kill himself, that emotional blackmail I found horrific. I don't expect anything from him at all, money, support, nothing. All I wish is that he didn't spread such awful lies about me leading him on resulting in his friends thinking I'm a complete bitch.
Like I said I know they're bound to feel sorry for him, but it pisses me off that they obviously won't be told the full story, just his bitter half.

I'm not going to lie to you. Being a single parent is bloody hard. But what is a million times harder is trying to make excuses for a dead beat dads behaviour or trying to make everything alright fir a child who is upset because daddy forgot contact days or birthday presents ect. For alot of single mums who's ex's are as much use as a one legged man in a arse kicking contest will admit that it would be a lot easier if they would just fuck off and stay away than turn up every so often and make a child promises they don't keep

You don't need him nor his friends.
congratulations and well done for doing what you wanted to do. Nobody should ever feel or be pressured into abortion.

motherofmonster that's one thing I'm afraid of.
I worry that if he reacts like this again my child will grow up thinking that's how parents treat each other. It takes me a lot to get angry I'm quite a calm person, and through all of this I haven't once so much as raised my voice to him because I still adore him and still feel for him.
I just hate the thought of people thinking badly of me when I've done nothing but be civil and done everything I could to try and keep him happy. But as they say love sometimes isn't enough and it wasn't enough for me to abort my child

It is hard to accept that people might think badly of you when you've done nothing wrong, but like you say, if they only know half the story then they aren't in a position to make a fair judgement, so it's really a worthless opinion.

They will see in time that you aren't doing anything wrong if you aren't going to chase him for anything, but until then, they aren't going to be thinking a it it anywhere near as much as you are, so try and forget about them and focus on the new life you're planning for yourself.

You're right, I think I forget that just because this is at the forefront of my mind right now it obviously doesn't cross most of their minds anyway (unless they speak to my ex OH).

frills .congratulations on your baby .just ignore him .if you have a good support network you will be fine .i know it will be hurtful but one good parent is better than two when one is useless .try to stay positive a relaxed mother makes a calm baby .you and baby only need each other

Sound out your friends, you may need to just drop that whole social circle and move on. You'll meet new friends at maternity and baby classes.

Anyone who says you led your ex on by not aborting at his request is not a human being worth knowing.

Firstly- congratulations on your pregnancy.
Secondly- just because he says his friends feel a certain way, doesn't mean they do. His word is not gospel.
Thirdly- whilst I can see that it must be hard for him to think you would abort and then didn't, that doesn't ever excusing him spitting in your face. That's vile.

I would bet everything I own that had you gone through with the termination he would have thrown that back at you at some point. These kind of cunts always do.

Don't put him on the birth cert, do contact the CMS and get him to support the child he helped create and ignore him and his dickhead mates. He deserves NOTHING from you and sympathy or compassion from anybody.

Obviously op, you have been completely blindsided by his behaviour, it is still sinking in that, this man with a 'heart of gold', is not who you thought. Yes it may seem the op partner has not had a say in what happens to his child, op has just done what she wants, without a thought to his feelings, he has been with op for years, not just a new relationship, if he really did not want children, he shoukd have kept it in his pants, or told op early on, so op had the choice to walk away. Op is best without any involvement from this man, and to go it alone.

He has behaved apallingly, and for that he is a dick.

However I do have sympathy for men who are forced to be parents when they don't want to. It's always the woman's choice, and rightly so of course, but it must be hard on the men who have the decision made for them. That doesn't excuse his behaviour though.

I don't think it's as simple as shouldn't have had sex then. They were using contraception. I refuse to have sex anymore because I'm too scared of getting pregnant, but I cannot say it's doing wonders for my relationship.

Or Sunday he shoukd have been honest with op from the beginning that he did not want kids so she could make an informed decision, I think she was under the impression he wanted them.

Well yes of course he should have said he didn't want children if that's the case. But I don't see anywhere the OP said that he did or didn't want them (unless I've missed something of course).

Perhaps he does want children just not now? Who knows. I know that if I had to become a parent when i didnt want to based on my DP decision alone I'd be scared and angry, so I sympathise with everyone in that situation. It's his unacceptable behaviour that makes him a dickhead.