Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To let my six year old make a get well card for someone who is dying of advanced lung cancer

74 replies

ReallyTired · 03/07/2015 22:59

My poor neighbour is dying of advanced lung cancer. Dd knows he is very ill, but does not know he is dying. Dd wants to make him a get well card. I dont know how the gentleman and his wife would feel about the card as he is not going to get well. I suggested to do that he draws him a nice picture.

OP posts:

Icimoi · 04/07/2015 07:35

Teabags, have you actually read the OP? Because it clearly indicates that she doesn't intend to let her daughter send a Get Well card, just to suggest that she draws him a picture.

GobblersKnob · 04/07/2015 07:40

What Larry said, this thread is weird and sad

saintlyjimjams · 04/07/2015 07:43

I would go for a colourfull happy picture, signed, with nothing written on it. You can explain giving a signed picture shows they are in other people's thoughts. If he doesn't want her to know he's terminally ill I would say that a full sized picture gives more room for the drawing or something like that, completely unrelated to the sensitivites of why you actually don't want her to do a get well soon card. Then squirrel this away & when she's older, talk about this dilemma - see if she remembers it- so she develops an understanding of what is appropriate & what isn't.

struckwithindecision · 04/07/2015 07:58

Not appropriate. Just a picture and thinking of you or similar. And why ask if you aren't prepared to be told it's unreasonable.

MayPolist · 04/07/2015 08:14

I am not sure about the picture either.A 6 yr old's scribbling is not 'lovely' to anyone except their parents and GPs.Again it is indulging the child.Buy a card with a nice picture on of a view or item that he is fond of or intetested in.

echt · 04/07/2015 08:29

I am not sure about the picture either.A 6 yr old's scribbling is not 'lovely' to anyone except their parents and GPs.Again it is indulging the child

Love this. As if a six year-old is somehow being gratified, or their ego boosted by sending a card to a sick NDN.

Just send your DD's pic, OP. So many over-thinking this.

Lovingfreedom · 04/07/2015 08:49

I think most people would be delighted to get something hand drawn by a child. I wouldn't worry too much about the writing. It's unlikely to offend. Incidentally, I've found children that age can be quite matter of fact about death, to the point of a 'sorry you're going to die' card complete with depictions of coffins and skeletons being a possibility.

saintlyjimjams · 04/07/2015 08:52

Eh? I love kid's pictures. They're fab. I'd much prefer a picture (with no message) than a card.

GobblersKnob · 04/07/2015 09:17

I would far prefer a picture than a depressing bloody card with a 'view' on it, jesus what is wrong with people?

DoorsAndWater · 04/07/2015 09:24

My lovely mum was given a terminal diagnosis a year before she passed away from terminal cancer, she loved receiving cards and drawings from her grandchildren, don't over think it but I agree that 'thinking of you' would be better than 'get well soon'

gothicgame · 04/07/2015 10:52

A good friend of mine died a couple of months ago from bone cancer (secondary). She said she knew it was unfair but she dreaded the cards given by some, when people knew she hadn't long left and thought of them as 'sorry you're going to die' cards and gifts. It wasn't from immediate family or close friends but those from the wider circle who would do this.

I'd tread carefully. I wouldn't do it unless I knew them very well and how it might be received. It doesn't sound like you know them very well, though I may be wrong.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 04/07/2015 13:19

Only one person has sneered at the idea of a picture, so please don't lump in those people who think the words 'get well soon' are inappropriate with people who just don't like kids/ their drawings.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 04/07/2015 13:22

Btw, the drip feed makes it a totally different situation, and I can't help feeling that the title of the AIBU was to shock.

Then to have people being horrible about those of us who've lost close family and have strong feelings about it, well, that's rather disgusting isn't it? Not impressed at all, insensitive and upsetting. I guess AIBU really does trump everything.

Lovingfreedom · 04/07/2015 13:48

Everybody dies...some people like pictures by children. If you know the man and he enjoys seeing/chatting to your DD get her to draw a nice picture. If you don't really know him then mind your own business...Is what I would do.

derxa · 04/07/2015 14:34

I got all sorts of messages from my class after a mastectomy. One boy wrote, 'I hope you survive'. It made me laugh like a drain. I hope this OP is real and not playing with emotions of people who are bereaved recently or otherwise.
I'm sure sending a picture will not cause offence but this situation is not all about you or your child. It's about your poor NDNs.

deriant · 04/07/2015 14:46

Larry, I agree about not insulating people. But it is important not to deny reality. And saying get well, is denying reality. The 6 year old wouldn't know it, but the mother does.

PumpkinsMummy · 04/07/2015 14:48

If I am reading the situation correctly (and I had similar relationships with elderly neighbours as a young child) your neighbour has taken a shine to your daughter, and they have formed a lovely friendship where I suspect receiving pictures etc would not be unusual. If this is the case and your daughter is fond of him and he her, I think it would be lovely for him to receive a picture or card from her.

I would ask her to make it a "for my lovely friend" or "my favourite neighbour" sort rather than directly referencing his illness. This way he knows your daughter is fond

of and thinking of him without him feeling it is out of pity or sadness. However, having not been in the position of losing a close relative to terminal illness, I am happy to be corrected by other posters.
to all those missing someone.

limitedperiodonly · 04/07/2015 16:05

A picture with good wishes would be good. She sounds like a nice child and I'm sure they like her and would be pleased to get something she's spent time over.

Not a Get Well card, but you know that. I don't think it was a drip-feed to say that he doesn't want her to know BTW.

My SIL died earlier this year and I was jarred when I visited her for the last time by three Get Well cards. They were from her sister and adult niece and nephew. We all knew that her illness was terminal.

After a moment I realised that her sister was closer to her than me and that my brother (her DH) had displayed them on a table where she could see them, so it must have been all right.

I think they all knew the truth - including her - but part of them wanted to believe she'd get better. But that's up to them.

The posters talking about children drawing skeletons and hoping you survive make me smile.

I became seriously ill when I'd only been married for about six weeks. My friend said to me: 'If you die, can I have your husband?'

It made me laugh, but she knew it would.

Lovingfreedom · 04/07/2015 16:21

'I hope you survive'

Cornettoninja · 04/07/2015 16:35

It is possible to overthink these things sometimes, people react so differently it's impossible to call how a complete stranger would react over the Internet.

On face value I would steer her away from get well soon. Without any other information about the gentleman, there's just no need to risk what could be blantantly upsetting for him.

A card or picture dedicated to something they've discussed - his garden, impressive newt knowledge etc. would be far more appropriate and uplifting imho.

I also think you need to prepare your daughter gently about people sometimes not getting better. That's much more difficult if you've been specifically asked not to tell her, but it'll be unavoidable at some point and she will be better prepared without an expectation of him getting better.

mathanxiety · 04/07/2015 23:14

I agree with that. It is kinder to the child in the long run to prepare her.

Letitsnow9 · 05/07/2015 01:10

I would get your child to do a 'to make you smile' card instead

giraffesCantPluckTheirEyebrows · 05/07/2015 02:45

If the man doesn't want her to know then GWS is fine.

VashtaNerada · 05/07/2015 03:24

OP doesn't deserve any criticism - it's a fair question and there's lots of really good suggestions here for her DD. FWIW, my DD made a 'Get well soon' card for FIL just before he died. It was her nursery who wrote the text, knowing full well it was terminal, but none of us were offended - I just assumed they didn't know what to put. But clearly it's a sensitive issue so best to avoid that wording.

Flip

1 2 3