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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my six year old make a get well card for someone who is dying of advanced lung cancer

74 replies

ReallyTired · 03/07/2015 22:59

My poor neighbour is dying of advanced lung cancer. Dd knows he is very ill, but does not know he is dying. Dd wants to make him a get well card. I dont know how the gentleman and his wife would feel about the card as he is not going to get well. I suggested to do that he draws him a nice picture.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 04/07/2015 00:53

I agree with Miscellaneous and WixkedWax 'It's a really inappropriate thing to ask a dying man and his wife, to spend emotional energy on indulging your child..'

I had a sort of similar experience when some idiot answered the phone at the church office when I called to ask that my sister, who was in a coma and not expected to recover, would be prayed for in the intercessions that Sunday. I honestly do not know what this fool was thinking. I explained my sister's condition, and asked was it too late for her name to be included in the intercessions it was a Thursday evening and he said 'oh you mean like a get well soon prayer?' I just said 'Yes' and hung up. Many years later I still remember it as if it were yesterday. Maybe not exactly similar, but still one person simply not getting it when I was facing an unthinkable situation.

I would not send anything from your DS. He could draw some pictures and keep them on his own bedroom wall -- things he likes about the neighbour, favourite memories, etc. as part of coming to terms with the loss of this lovely person. He is not too young to be told the neighbour will not recover, that his time has come, and that he won't be there much longer. The bereaved wife could be invited to see the pictures in a few months if you like.

But sending a home made 'get well soon' card (or a home made card with any sentiment for that matter) right now smacks of insinuating your child's cleverness into the situation and expecting some sort of notice from the family and the neighbour.

mathanxiety · 04/07/2015 00:55

Sorry -- 'WickedWax', and DD, not DS..

mammuzzamia · 04/07/2015 01:01

It's a really inappropriate thing to ask a dying man and his wife, to spend emotional energy on indulging your child.

This, with bells on. Come on OP, think again.

MaidOfStars · 04/07/2015 01:05

I don't get some of these answers.

Is it so terrible to write a card to someone to say that you think of them, that this is a picture of them, whatever? My experience is that genuine sentiments are genuinely indulged, not as an imposition but as a real connection (maybe not the right word) between people at times like this.

To reiterate, OP, not a Get Well card, but a picture of your street, whatever, I've only ever seen good feeling come from that kind of thing.

MaidOfStars · 04/07/2015 01:05

Oh fuck, it's just a card. A fucking picture. Honestly???

Original poster
ReallyTired · 04/07/2015 01:19

Maybe I should explain that the gentleman doesn't want dd to know he is dying. I cannot explain to dd without going against the man's wishes.

I don't think that either he or his wife would be offended by dd drawing him a picture. She is six years old. I think it's one of those situations where you need to know the people. Every person with cancer is an individual.

The gentleman is in his eighties. At the moment he is doing his best to live to the full. I think his wife is suffering more than him in someways.

OP posts:
Silverdaisy · 04/07/2015 01:23

To be honest the title of this thread has been quite upsetting to read. I don't understand why it had to be so detailed.

How on earth you need to ask?

Every poster has come back with very obvious alternatives.

On the other hand if a child wrote get well soon to my family member we would have smiled at the sentiment.

MaidOfStars · 04/07/2015 01:42

OP, have your DD draw a picture. She can write her name at the bottom. Then you give it to your neighbour and/or his wife, under the door or over the fence, it really doesn't matter.

'My daughter drew you a picture, here it is'. Or, if your daughter is up for it, she puts it under the door or over the fence herself.

It's simple. The most immediate things always are.

Yellowdaisies · 04/07/2015 02:31

At 6 she will probably take "isn't going to get well again" at face value - ie think that he'll just kind of stay ill, rather than die imminently. She must know he's old and that old people die, without having to have it spelled out that he's dying. And as you say, he's still living right now.

If not, then just make any excuse you can think of to dictate the wording for her. "I'm sorry you're ill " or "Sad that you're ill" both work fine. Or "Here's a picture of a..... to cheer you up"

Agree with others that it's really not OK to send "get well soon" wording on a card

AvaCrowder · 04/07/2015 02:53

My sister loved the 'thinking of you' card from her dds class. It was really sweet. Unfortunately death, especially the death of a parent is terrifying to children that some of them have alienated her. It's really sad that she has lost her mum and her friends. Poor little lamb.

buttonmoonboots · 04/07/2015 03:01

Maybe I should explain that the gentleman doesn't want dd to know he is dying. I cannot explain to dd without going against the man's wishes.

Well that was a hell of a dripfeed op.

But it is not ok in general to do this so you need to put 'thinking of you' and not 'get well'.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 04/07/2015 04:05

Totally agree with Misc at the beginning.

BathshebaDarkstone · 04/07/2015 04:19

When I was in my late teens family actually asked me to buy get well cards for 2 terminally ill relatives. It didn't occur to me that there was anything wrong with that. I hope it would make him smile.

Dutch1e · 04/07/2015 04:27

Her efforts might be better spent making a Thinking of You card for his wife? She doesn't need to know that he is dying to learn that caring for a sick family member is difficult.

BathshebaDarkstone · 04/07/2015 04:28

By the way wafflyversatile thanks for the ear worm!

echt · 04/07/2015 04:38

OK, The drip feed was not OK, but not seeing why the OP has got such bashing.

She's asking for advice about NOT sending a get well card. It's plain, to me at any rate, that she doesn't want her DD to send such a card and is only asking if a pic would be suitable.

chrome100 · 04/07/2015 05:06

When I was about that age I made a get well card for a dear family friend who was dying and wrote a poem about how we'd welcome them home.

Looking back, I think I understood they were dying (my parents told me) but I still thought it would be a jolly thing for them to receive and it would cheer them up.

The friend wrote me a beautiful letter explaining they were not going to come home. It had lots of age-appropriate advice about being good for my parents and looking after my sister.

The letter meant a lot. I don't think the family friend was offended or upset to receive it. But everyone is different and I'm sure my parents woukdvt have let me send it if they had felt it wouldn't be well received.

mugglingalong · 04/07/2015 06:16

We have just been told that FIL mighthave terminal bowel cancer - all a bit garbled at the moment. I really don't think that he would mind a picture from a 6yr old neighbour. I agree to put different words but I think that was what you were saying in your OP. Might be better to just go for a signature on the picture - you can tell her that that is what artists do.

It is tricky. We have been fielding questions from dc about death and dying for some years. All the GPs are octogenarians and none of them in good health. We tend to say that they are all very old and will die at some point. Obviously if the news isn't good for FIL we will have to address it then.

I guess if the neighbour doesn't want your dd to know it probably means that he is fond of seeing her innocence and smiling face and doesn't want her to be sad around him. It does make it harder to explain things.

Would she be convinced if you just said that sometimes get well soon aren't the best words and suggest other words posted up thread instead. I think 'thinking of you' sounds a bit too old for a 6 year old to write but maybe something she really likes about him.

larrygrylls · 04/07/2015 06:33

I am not sure that I agree with the majority here. A nice card is a nice card. Often dying people are ignored as people 'don't know what to say'. Equally, dying does not make one stupid. He will know that the child cares and is thinking of him; that is what matters. Of course it depends on the neighbour and his age and attitude. However I think there is a tendency to be protective towards the sick and old, which stems from good intentions, but which can be very condescending. Many want to be treated as intelligent adults until their last days and you would expect an intelligent adult to deal with a well meaning child's misconception.

echt · 04/07/2015 06:34

YY larry

CPtart · 04/07/2015 06:35

Won't he be forced to display the card and he and his wife have to keep looking at those words.
I wouldn't.

claraschu · 04/07/2015 06:35

What about something like: "I hope you are feeling better today", with a picture.

OP, it is very kind of you to be there for your neighbours, and I am sure they will appreciate what ever your daughter sends them, as it sounds like they are very fond of her.

Aussiemum78 · 04/07/2015 06:40

I think it is a sweet gesture from a child who doesn't understand death, and is of an age that still has hope and optimism.

A gesture made in love is a hell of a lot nicer than the adult arseholes (previously friends) who ignore people when they get cancer.

I wouldn't be offended.

LadyPlumpington · 04/07/2015 07:00

I agree with Larry. My mother died last year and my kids cheerfully made a 'Feel better!' video for her which she loved. She'd have loved any cards displaying support in general because the sentiment would be genuine.

You know your neighbour best op, do what you think they will be ok with.

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 07:29

Yabu. Because you asked the question full well knowing you were going to let her anyway.

Since you think she should, let her do it.