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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to stop offering lifts on basis of DD's mental health

75 replies

athelophobia · 02/07/2015 20:38

DD1 (aged 23) and I work with the same company, which works out well for us as we can drive up together. A woman I work with (I'll call her C) lives a couple of blocks away from us, and to be kind, I started offering her a lift to work in the mornings, which seems to have become the norm for her -to the level of sulks if we cannot drive her for whatever reason.

DD1 is extremely unhappy in her job, to the point that she has developed anxiety and depression -she has submitted a letter from her psychiatrist recommending a move to a different department within the same organisation, but the wheels seem to be moving VERY slowly.

C is extremely negative and self-centred, every trip is marked by her complaints, doom scenarios and stories about herself -I cannot get a word in edgeways and she DOESN'T stop, for the whole 30 minute journey. This is not helping DD, who is often crying quietly in the front seat out of NOT wanting to go into work, and she suffers from anxiety-induced chest pains in the morning too. C's negativity upsets her more, and while I hate that this is making her pre-work anxiety and sadness worse, I also feel bad withdrawing the lift offer. C also hangs around after work hoping for a lift back, but I would prefer to make the trip home with just DD in the car to gently talk her through her day, calm her down and let her switch off from work quietly. Any time we don't give C a lift, next day we are treated to grumbles about public transport (not very subtle).

We have tried having a CD on but C talks over it, and I will not let DD wear headphones, it's rude. If C didn't talk so constantly or so negatively it wouldn't be such a problem, but it seems petty to withdraw the lift on that basis now that it has become established. At the same time, DD has said that C's negative, self centred monologues "set off more spirals of negative thoughts" for her.
DD getting her own car to avoid C seems like a waste when we're going to the same building anyway, and she is too anxious before work and upset afterwards for me to really consider her a safe driver.

OP posts:

AspieAndNT · 03/07/2015 05:55

Op, you sound very much like my mum who whilst loves me dearly is very much "what the neighbours think " type person.

I too had a job that made me cry and ill but I also wasn't "allowed " to leave - it set my MH back years and I needed counselling. Of course that counselling had to be done many miles from home so "no one would see you " going there.

I recently had another episode and under went further counselling and my anxiety etc was traced back to my parent's - well Mum - and how she was. I am rubbish at making decisions incase it is the "wrong one " and I'll let Mum down etc.

Please show your daughter that she comes first and act accordingly. I don't doubt that you love her - mine does and has been wonderful in so many ways - but I also needed her to stand up for me too.

merrymouse · 03/07/2015 06:07

My issue with the headphones would be that I would want to be spending the time in the car, like you say, talking through any problems and chatting with my daughter. If she wants to wear headphones for another reason that is different. However she shouldn't be effectively on her own in the car because of the annoying colleague.

VivaLeBeaver · 03/07/2015 06:15

God, I had a job which made me feel like this. I remember breaking down in the carpark at work before a shift and ringing a friend/colleague in hysterics. I was still nearly hysterical when I went into work and I went straight to my boss and handed my notice in.

It was scary. I didn't have another job. I had to go home and tell Dh what Id done....though I think he saw it coming.

I was making myself very ill by staying.

Within days of leaving I was fine. No more anxiety, no more feeling so awful.

I got another job doing exactly the same work but at a different place. Felt more supported and ive been fine.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/07/2015 06:15

I'm wary of letting her use her mental health as a get-out-of-jail-free card.

This girl s a shocking comment. It is entirely between your DD and her GP as to whether she is signed off sick and what steps need to be taken to regain her mental health.

I'm assuming she is allowed to attend the GP on her own and speak freely to him/her? If not, please encourage her to make another appointment asap so that she can discuss the extent of her problems

DoreenLethal · 03/07/2015 06:26

I am staggered that you let the random have the free lifts and blather on but your daughter isnt allowed to even blot her out.

OP - you need to reassess your priorities. And here is a hint - they should be to your daughter!

The get out of jail card comment - stinks.

Sconejamcream · 03/07/2015 06:31

Sort your daughter out. Why the guck is she still working there? Get her to find a new job, let her wear earphones and tell c no work talk or no lift.

DocHollywood · 03/07/2015 06:33

Am I missing something? If the job is making her this ill, she should have been signed off long ago. Maybe then, the inter-dept move would be hurried along. Alternatively just leave and look for something else. She's 23, same age as dd1, no way would I allow a job to make her this unhappy, does she think there's no alternative for some reason?

Meandyou150 · 03/07/2015 09:43

OP I'm absolutely furious with you!! Mental health problems are a "get out of jail free card?!"

Seriously how pig ignorant can you get?!!- as someone who's suffered a breakdown myself due to work stress in combination with other things - I was signed off to aid my recovery which helped immensely.

Also my mum 100% supported me in being off work- she knew I needed to get better above all other things, she was not prepared for me to make myself unwell dragging myself into work when I clearly wasn't well.

People like you are why mental health has such a stigma - if she broke her ribs would you see that as a "get out of jail free card?!" No I bet you wouldn't- but as its a mental illness she can just battle through.

Absolutely disgusting - your poor poor daughter

19lottie82 · 03/07/2015 09:51

DH has also suggested being signed off, but I'm wary of letting her use her mental health as a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Wow.

Your DD is crying on the way to work! She shouldn't be there. The poor girl!

Get her to the docs and signed off pronto! Go with her an support her instead of making such crap comments!

RobotHamster · 03/07/2015 09:58

another one [shocked] at your comment about a get out of jail free card. What the hell is wrong with you? If she had a physical illness and in need of being signed off would you say that she was using that as a card to get out of work??

What she needs is support from you, and the best thing for her mental health at the moment is probably to be signed off from work!! Stop being unsupportive, stop offering lifts to this dreadful person at work, and get a fucking grip.

RobotHamster · 03/07/2015 09:59

i mean. FFS

Pagwatch · 03/07/2015 10:04

You really do need to have a think about your priorities here.

You are clearly prioritising your need to be a good sort to C over your daughters obvious needs.

It's quite, quite bizarre.

Mental health issues are not a 'get out of jail free card'. Why do you treat your DDs problems with so little respect, let alone kindness.

Tell C you regrettably can't give her a lift any more. Just do it. Get over your own need to be a good egg.
Tell your DD she can wear headphones or not. She's an adult and her mental health is your priority. It should be.

mumeeee · 03/07/2015 10:20

OP DD2 is 25 and she was diagnosed with Depression and anxiety last year. I know someone like C would have not helped her at all. She needed support and quiet assurance from her family and boyfriend. Anyway she was not able to work at all.At the time she was doing 2 jobs part of the reason for her depression and anxiety. She was signed off work to help her get better. With some professional help as well as our support she is now working again.She is only doing part time at the moment as it was suggested that she needs to ease herself in slowly.
Sorry for the essay. What I'm trying to say OP. Your DD having time off work is not a get out of jail free card. It's her decision to be signed off sick if she feels she can't cope it will probably help her to get better also wearing earphones is her decision. I think you should tell C that the lifts are stopping.

CaoNiMa · 03/07/2015 10:34

If I was your DD I would be devastated that I had a mother who:

a) saw my mental illness as a 'get out of jail free' card
b) didn't prioritise my needs over that of an annoying outsider

ProudAS · 03/07/2015 10:36

Something needs to give - make sure it's not your DD's health.

As for the headphones why won't you 'let' her wear them??? It may be your car but she is a grown woman and better she appears anti-social than goes downhill more.

SoupDragon · 03/07/2015 10:39

Have you mentioned to C that her negativity is affecting your DD and given her a chance to correct this whilst?

JennyOnAPlate · 03/07/2015 10:41

You want to stop giving a woman a lift because of your dds mental health problems, but you don't want her to leave the job which is causing them?

Beggars belief to be honest.

AllThatGlistens · 03/07/2015 10:46

What the hell??

Your daughter is in her twenties and you aren't "allowing" her to wear headphones or use her clearly (at this current time) poor mental health as a get out of jail card for work?!

Oh man...

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 03/07/2015 10:48

OP you sound over involved.

Perhaps it would be best if your DD took a break from work and then found a job somewhere else, where you aren't peering over her shoulder and making all her decisions for her?

She is 23, not 17.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 03/07/2015 10:50

You know, your attitude is part of the reason that mental health problems are stigmatised in this country.

Wake the fuck up and educate yourself for the sake of your daughter.

Lancelottie · 03/07/2015 10:58

Is your username significant here? I couldn't think what sort of phobia it was so I looked it up -- apparently it means 'fear of not being thought good enough', which made me wonder if you're the daughter not the parent in all this?

BumpTheElephant · 03/07/2015 11:19

Op I'm making a quick judgement just from your posts so apologies if I'm way off but I had anxiety just like your dd from the ages of 15-21. I completely fucked up my education as a result. In my case the cause of the anxiety was sexual abuse and also emotional/physical abuse from my parents so a bit different from your dd.
My mother made it so much harder for me to recover (and in fact I didn't until I left home), she was extremely controlling (the not letting a 23yr wear headphones sounds controlling to me. How on earth do you not let her? Or is she scared of you so does what you say?) and she was the sort of person who does anything for anyone to the detriment of her own family such as giving lifts to an ungrateful arsehole while dd has a panic attack in the front seat.

Sorry if I've got it all wrong but from the tiny bit you've posted it sounds like you are likely to be contributing to your dd's MH issues (get out of jail free card??? wtf??)

So I have to ask op, why on earth can't you just say no you giving lifts. Put your ill DD ahead of colleagues you don't even like!! She must feel mortified having a stranger witness her like that. Are you forcing her to stay in work too? I hope not. If she can't cope it would be far better to get signed off for a bit.

rumbleinthrjungle · 03/07/2015 11:31

Agree the 'letting her use her MH as a get-out-of-jail-free card' does make it sound as though you feel it's your decision and not hers, and she is not allowed to take that option unless you permit it. At twenty three she does not need permission, she needs to know for herself when she's reached her limit and it's between her and her GP. And as someone with a chronic illness, it's very threatening when someone close to you implies that it's not to be given into and you must act 'normal' even when you're so ill you're crying and unable to function, because to do otherwise is weak and giving up aka unacceptable. Living with a chronic illness takes immense bravery, part of which is learning to know your own limits and make your decisions accordingly, not rely on others to make them for you.

That line also sounds as if you have a fear that if she's allowed to give in once, she'll use her MH as an excuse for everything, stop trying, stop working and give up on life - is she really that sort of a person that you have that anxiety? At twenty three, if she is, that's her choice to make too.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/07/2015 13:21

OP - "...but I'm wary of letting her use her mental health as a get-out-of-jail-free card..."

OwlAtEase - "You said that DD's unhappiness in the job led to her anxiety and depression. Removing herself from the situation that triggered, and is exacerbating, her illness is not a 'get out of jail free card' - it's actually a sensible course of action that will give her some space and time to heal, just like with any physical injury."

Owl is spot-on with this, athelophobia. It sounds as if your dd really, really needs some time away from this job. If the doctor thinks she needs to be signed off, then I would really advise you to listen to him/her.

Some time off will hopefully enable your dd to recover a bit, and then she can go back and start afresh, when the new placement comes up.

I also think it would not be at all unreasonable for you to say to the person you're giving a lift to - 'I'm sorry but my dd is going through a tough time at the moment, and needs time alone with me before and after work, so I am sorry, but I won't be able to offer you a lift for the foreseeable future'.

barbecue · 03/07/2015 14:15

I'd check with your DD first before telling C she's having a hard time. She might prefer to keep that information private.

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