Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To want to stop offering lifts on basis of DD's mental health

75 replies

athelophobia · 02/07/2015 20:38

DD1 (aged 23) and I work with the same company, which works out well for us as we can drive up together. A woman I work with (I'll call her C) lives a couple of blocks away from us, and to be kind, I started offering her a lift to work in the mornings, which seems to have become the norm for her -to the level of sulks if we cannot drive her for whatever reason.

DD1 is extremely unhappy in her job, to the point that she has developed anxiety and depression -she has submitted a letter from her psychiatrist recommending a move to a different department within the same organisation, but the wheels seem to be moving VERY slowly.

C is extremely negative and self-centred, every trip is marked by her complaints, doom scenarios and stories about herself -I cannot get a word in edgeways and she DOESN'T stop, for the whole 30 minute journey. This is not helping DD, who is often crying quietly in the front seat out of NOT wanting to go into work, and she suffers from anxiety-induced chest pains in the morning too. C's negativity upsets her more, and while I hate that this is making her pre-work anxiety and sadness worse, I also feel bad withdrawing the lift offer. C also hangs around after work hoping for a lift back, but I would prefer to make the trip home with just DD in the car to gently talk her through her day, calm her down and let her switch off from work quietly. Any time we don't give C a lift, next day we are treated to grumbles about public transport (not very subtle).

We have tried having a CD on but C talks over it, and I will not let DD wear headphones, it's rude. If C didn't talk so constantly or so negatively it wouldn't be such a problem, but it seems petty to withdraw the lift on that basis now that it has become established. At the same time, DD has said that C's negative, self centred monologues "set off more spirals of negative thoughts" for her.
DD getting her own car to avoid C seems like a waste when we're going to the same building anyway, and she is too anxious before work and upset afterwards for me to really consider her a safe driver.

OP posts:

barbecue · 02/07/2015 21:46

It's not "get out of jail free" any more than leaving work due to a physical illness is "get out of jail free".

neolara · 02/07/2015 21:51

I wouldn't give it a second thought. If your dd is so distressed that she spends the journey to work crying, things are pretty bad. Of course you need to put your dd first. Just tell C that unfortuatnely it's not working out and you can't offer her a lift any more. In the great scheme of things, C not getting a lift really doesn't matter. Your dd's mental health does.

TendonQueen · 02/07/2015 21:54

Agree with pp that your DD has to be your priority. Tell C lifts stop tomorrow and next week she will have to make her own way to work - as she did previously. She's been very entitled about it if she hasn't even offered petrol money. I'm also surprised that you didn't suggest even a nominal amount given the daily nature of the lift

You seem to have a lot invested in wanting to do the right thing - offer the lifts, not seem rude by DD wearing headphones, not taking the 'easy' route by going off sick. That's often good but it can also become oppressive and lead to poor boundary-setting. Given your DD's unhappiness at work it might be worth considering whether this is the kind of thing she's also struggling with, and if it is, you could work together on being a bit more self-centred to protect your mental health as a joint venture.

GinBunny · 02/07/2015 21:55

YANBU at all to put your own comfort first. I used to suffer panic attacks (now controlled thanks to ADs) and we got in the habit of giving a colleague a lift then one day I couldn't stand it anymore so texted her saying we couldn't do it. I wish I had given her an explanation though instead of just stopping. Tell C you can't do it anymore, give her a reason but don't go into details and stand firm. Your loyalty is to your DD not your colleague who sounds like a PITA anyway

FryOneFatManic · 02/07/2015 21:57

OP, can I just point out that your DD is an adult?

And that things like getting signed off (if her GP believes it necessary) and wearing headphones are her choices, not yours?

Being signed off is not a "get-out-of-jail-free" card. I've got the T-shirt, etc. Also, being signed off may mean your DD gets moved more quickly.

HaleMary · 02/07/2015 22:02

OP, it's clear you should feel absolutely at liberty to give C the heave-ho as regards lifts. But some of what you say about your daughter strikes my ear a little oddly - which may, of course, just be the nature of communicating on the Internet and missing tone and context. I appreciate her extreme distress is distressing you, but is it possible you are too involved, in part because you work at the same place? Also, does she live at home?

She's 23, but you 'won't let her' wear headphones in the car, and seem to have discouraged her from signing off sick because you think it's a 'get out of jail free' card, and spend the drive home from work talking through her day and 'trying to calm her down' - this all sounds like the relationship between a parent and a very young, distressed child struggling to settle at school, and having to be encouraged in daily, despite endless tears. But she's an adult. Wouldn't it be better to step back a bit and let her decide on whether work is worth the distress?

As someone with a history of depression myself, having my mother around being sympathetic, kind and involved would have sent me into a worse spiral, because her anxiety about my state of mind would have made mine worse...?

whois · 02/07/2015 22:02

Just tell C it's not working out for you anymore. Soz. End of n

HaleMary · 02/07/2015 22:03

X-post, FryOne. Exactly.

whois · 02/07/2015 22:03

Also, you don't allow headphones? What the actual fuck? Is your DD 2.5 or 25??

badg3r · 02/07/2015 22:03

I don't see why it matters that she's a grown up, she's your daughter and it sounds like having an hour alone in the car with her mum each day will do wonders for her right now. You sound like you don't even like the other lady and you're doing her the favour, you certainly don't owe her anything.

The only tricky bit is how to get out of the current status quo. Can you turn it on yourself, you're having personal/family issues and just need some time alone with your daughter in the mornings and evenings?

manicinsomniac · 02/07/2015 22:04

If I were your daughter I would wear headphones if I wanted to, make my own way to work if I wanted to and get signed off from work if I wanted to. I wouldn't work with my mother and I would let my parents have a conversation about whether or not I was fit to work.

We are talking about a 23 year old not a 13 year old. This thread is one of the more bizarre things I've read here.

manicinsomniac · 02/07/2015 22:05

lots of X posts, sorry.

giraffesCantPluckTheirEyebrows · 02/07/2015 22:06

FryOneFatManic yes

Tronkmanton · 02/07/2015 22:07

Why on earth is your DD still working somewhere where she crys on the way to work? Surely she can get a job elsewhere!!! That would also solve the C problem!

kissmethere · 02/07/2015 22:42

You are being very considerate to C and helping her get to work.
Time to call it a day on the lifts I think. Your dd is more important and you may not like doing it but there's very good reason. Maybe tell C your dd needs that time in the car home and on the way to have time conversing about things between te both of you. If she wants to make you feel guilty ignore it, more reason not to carry on in the future.

lilacblossomtime · 02/07/2015 22:56

Where my Dh works a lot of people give lifts as it is out of town with no public transport and they charge £20/week for it. So you are doing this woman a huge favour and quite within your rights to stop if it is now inconvenient. It will send a message to your dd that you value her if you do this for her.

TheHumourlessHarpy · 02/07/2015 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Evabeaversprotege · 02/07/2015 23:03

Sorry, she wears sunglasses to work as she cries all the way there?

That poor girl.

Op, she needs signed off work. I don't know how you can't see this. There's no way in hell I'd sit & watch my child (adult or not) go through this.

GrannyWW · 02/07/2015 23:41

You obviously mean well but prioritising a lift for some random over your daughters comfort and happiness is very strange.

Gruntfuttock · 03/07/2015 00:00

I strongly agree with previous posters. PLEASE put your daughter first. I feel desperately sorry for her. She needs all the support she can get.

Pumpkinpositive · 03/07/2015 00:07

Absolutely agree with the other posters about telling C to make her own arrangements to get to work. Has this woman offered any form of payment for petrol at all?

I take it your daughter lives with you? The comments re the headphones, you "considering her a safe driver", etc seem a bit infantilising - your posts read like your daughter is 13, rather than 23.

Jux · 03/07/2015 00:22

Just tell C that circumstances have changed and that from Monday (or whenever) you won't be able to drive her any more, so sorry C, can't be helped. She'll ask why but it's not her business, so just say it's private.

CassieBearRawr · 03/07/2015 00:38

Blimey OP, you have a very strange way of dealing with your daughter. Are you very keen on appearances? You won't let your adult daughter wear headphones in the car, you won't ditch this toxic drain in your life, you called being medically signed off sick because she's too unwell to work a get out of jail free card but instead you want her to stick it out where she is even though it's so bad you're saying she needs that 30 minute drive to be calmed down by you... please put your daughter first.

She needs signing off sick (just like she would if she had a severe physical injury), she needs to move departments or get a new job and she needs care and support. I suspect most of all she needs to be treated like an adult who can make her own decisions about her life too.

OwlAtEase · 03/07/2015 01:11

but I'm wary of letting her use her mental health as a get-out-of-jail-free card.

You said that DD's unhappiness in the job led to her anxiety and depression. Removing herself from the situation that triggered, and is exacerbating, her illness is not a 'get out of jail free card' - it's actually a sensible course of action that will give her some space and time to heal, just like with any physical injury.

Have you spoken about this with your DD? If she senses you disapprove of her signing off, she will feel even more trapped in an awful situation. She needs to know she has some control in this, and it is her choice to take time off if she needs it. I've been where she is, and feeling trapped and out of control was one of the worst things when suffering from depression and anxiety.

coolaschmoola · 03/07/2015 01:36

Your dd is an adult - what's with all the 'letting'?!

How about you let HER decide what SHE needs?

Flip

1 2 3