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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop supporting my DD?

32 replies

christonabendybus · 01/07/2015 07:43

DD is 19 and has spent three years at college. Seemingly doing very little, as she still claims she 'doesn't feel ready' to apply to University.

She lives with my first husband (her choice). Up until now, I have given her a monthly allowance and paid for everything for her (clothes, shoes, etc). I can ill-afford this and I think she should get a job, even if it is part-time.

However, she seems to just assume that I will always do this and guilt-trips me heavily for getting a divorce when she was 14, though it was very quiet and amicable. I have told her to apply for jobs, but she refuses, or she stalls and makes excuses that she is 'too busy' (with what, I have no idea, she gets very mediocre exam results despite being bright).

I don't want to give her any more money. I want her to go and work because, though I love her very much, I think she is being lazy about this.

Would I be unreasonable to do this?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/07/2015 07:46

Nope. It's time man.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 01/07/2015 07:46

No you would not be on anyway shape or form unreasonable. Your DD sounds lazy and needs a push.

polkadotsrock · 01/07/2015 07:47

She's an adult, her finances are, in the main, her problem. It's one thing helping your kids out through a tough spot but being held over a barrel because of your personal life is totally unacceptable. A spot of realism might help to motivate.

Ragwort · 01/07/2015 07:48

Of course you shouldn't be buying 'everything' for her - are you mad?

Do you give your ex DH anything for her board and lodging - that would be a decent thing to do but certainly a 19 year old shouldn't still be relying on 'handouts'.

Get a grip, in the nicest possible way.

Mrsjayy · 01/07/2015 07:48

nope not at all she feels you owe her x y z she is taking the piss if she was looking for a job it would be different but she isn't i wouldnt cut her off completly but would certainly cit it down. Does her dad give her money too?

CakeLady1 · 01/07/2015 07:50

At the very least she can get a job or two this summer, if she plans on returning to college in September.
It's not fair for her to guilt trip you for your divorce, I suspect when she's older she'll be embarrassed at having done this to you now, once she realises what relationships are like.
Of course, you could keep giving her the money, but what message are you giving her? That it's ok to exploit your family? You'd be helping her more by giving her motivation to sort herself out and deciding what she wants to do with her life & to learn the value of money

Supervet · 01/07/2015 07:50

I don't even think she needs to give her exh money for boarding and lodgings. Her dd is an adult.

llammallamamissesmama · 01/07/2015 07:50

Yadnbu.

I was going to say that you could pay for accommodation/food but I see she lives with her dad.

Yes I'd stop or certainly cut down. I think working at that age is part of growing up and learning how to cope with time pressures and the real value of money.

I took loans to cover accommodation and basic living costs. I then waitressed as much as I could in order to have enough to buy a round of drinks if I went out with my friends or new jumpers or trousers. Things were very tight but I was independent and when I look back I'm happy that I did it myself.

Your post makes her sound bone idle. How old is she?

AuntyMag10 · 01/07/2015 07:52

She's manipulating and guilting you over the divorce. You need to stop enabling her, which will force her to behave like an adult. Most 19yo I know are at university and have pt jobs too. Your did is very lazy and mum needs to stop supporting this.

Mrsjayy · 01/07/2015 07:54

My dd lives at home we supported her through college well fed her and gave her somewhere to sleep she was expected to get a job and she did, dd2 will be the same

Original poster
christonabendybus · 01/07/2015 07:55

She's 19. I DO feel guilty for the divorce, but she really lays it on thick sometimes, to the point where I actually feel emotionally quite shaken.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/07/2015 07:59

Because she knows it works.

Change your reaction and tell her it's for her own good. I'll tell you when they get so used to battering you it never ends. Do you still want to be verbally punched when she's in her 30s ?

Mrsjayy · 01/07/2015 08:00

You have to find the strength to say enough is enough now dd you are an adult how long to you expect me to keep paying ?

Mrsjayy · 01/07/2015 08:03

Do you speak to her dad at all what does he say about how she behaves

BMW6 · 01/07/2015 08:03

She is taking the piss OP - for her own sake stop enabling her lazyness. If she tries the guilt trip suggest she gets some counselling for her "issues" Hmm - or just wry smile at her...... (oh dear how very sad for you)....

bloodyteenagers · 01/07/2015 08:03

At 19 mine is in college and has a part time job. Same with the 17 year old..

Either tell her no or fund her lifestyle for the rest of your life. With the prospect of paying her rent/mortgage and bills.. She needs to move over to being an adult which includes the occasional help from parents not full funding.

ChuffinAda · 01/07/2015 08:04

She sounds like my sister in law. Lazy as hell and expects the bank of mum and dad to fund everything.

RedandYellowandGreenandBlue · 01/07/2015 08:04

I might be U here but I think if you daughter knows you think her results are "mediocre" that perhaps she feels a bit of a failure. Sometimes they can work really hard but underperform on the day, or perhaps she is someone who is intelligent but not in an academic way.

Is there anything else going on? Relationship or friendship issues? Self esteem issues perhaps?

I am thinking there is a bigger background to this and she seems a little lost at the moment, and perhaps the way to move this forward is to perhaps work with the DD and your Ex to help her move forward.

I am a great believer that teens with troubles can end up in dysfunctional relationships and dead end jobs and feeling even worse about themselves.

Keep posting...

AlpacaPicnic · 01/07/2015 08:09

I would give her 'notice' - as in, from September I will no longer be able to give you pocket money.
My parents did this as soon as I had built up a bit of a reputation as a good babysitter and then it was up to me to find a job, advertise my services etc... I had warning so I couldn't complain that suddenly I was broke.

But yeah, a 19 year old ought to be wanting to support themselves, unless they were doing a very intensive university course and properly working at it, not just coasting through the first year...

Your divorce was five years ago. She has had plenty of time to come to terms with it. Is she playing the same tune with her father? I would suspect so...

AlpacaPicnic · 01/07/2015 08:11

Oh and definitely refer to it as pocket money. Especially in front of her friends. It sounds childish.

ovumahead · 01/07/2015 08:15

I agree she's definitely taking the piss but at the same time sounds like she needs some emotional support and guidance. Maybe increase that while reducing the money?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 01/07/2015 08:15

I was very lazy at her age, also putting off going to uni (although, I had already finished college, my grades were fine for an application).

At 18 my mother refused to support me anymore, it was either a job or nothing. She could be a right cow, but in this instance she was very right, I was an adult, time to be kicked up the arse and behave as such. At 20, she gave me another choice, either move out or go to uni. That was a bit tougher, it wasn't like I had the funds to move out, but again it worked, I was in uni a few weeks later.

In all honesty, I think you need to sit down with her and have a firm but caring conversation. Say that you understand this is a cross-road in her life, that's no one is making her go to college or uni. However, she's now quickly coming to the end of her teen years, and that means 'pocket money' is no longer a thing. Be really positive about getting a job, mention how much more rewarding it is to spend money you've earned yourself. There are plenty of jobs, even at tis age that can lead to a good pay check - something where she can train on the jon (phone companies are very good for this, but obviously need effort put back in), work on a career ladder - where would she want to be in 5 years time? Help her write a CV - that one was a very tough one to learn alone! I wouldn't mention the college marks too much, if it's not going well after 3 years, it's possibly not for her. Best of luck, had a sibling like this - now they excel at every job they've had, without an A level to their name.

NRomanoff · 01/07/2015 08:17

do it, it can't carry on for ever.

Why is she in her third year?

OpalQuartz · 01/07/2015 08:20

What is she studying at college and what hours?

TheBobbinIsWound · 01/07/2015 08:28

Oh dear.

My mother's phrase to me was "you're either learning or you're earning"

How has she afforded driving lessons? A car? I had a Saturday job from 16 to start saving for insurance and only if I managed to save £800 would my DM top up the sum to pay my car insurance.

And my parents had a messy divorce
And there was DV

If I tried to manipulate my mum like your daughter is doing to you I suspect that I would have been delivered a short sharp shock. Most likely "well I'm sorry that you feel like that, you don't need to live under my roof. When are you leaving?"

Given that your daughter has already left. Why are you enabling her liking the life of Riley with no effort? What does your EP think? You probably need to have a conversation about how to address this because of your daughter expects money for no work then she may as well claim benefits (would that comparison shock her?) you could reduce her weekly pocket money to be more in keeping with benefits.

And I agree to keep calling it her "pocket money" your child needs tough love