To stop supporting my DD?

[christonabendybus]

DD is 19 and has spent three years at college. Seemingly doing very little, as she still claims she 'doesn't feel ready' to apply to University.

She lives with my first husband (her choice). Up until now, I have given her a monthly allowance and paid for everything for her (clothes, shoes, etc). I can ill-afford this and I think she should get a job, even if it is part-time.

However, she seems to just assume that I will always do this and guilt-trips me heavily for getting a divorce when she was 14, though it was very quiet and amicable. I have told her to apply for jobs, but she refuses, or she stalls and makes excuses that she is 'too busy' (with what, I have no idea, she gets very mediocre exam results despite being bright).

I don't want to give her any more money. I want her to go and work because, though I love her very much, I think she is being lazy about this.

Would I be unreasonable to do this?

Since she's 19 there are basically no restrictions on what work she can do. She can't work in the day because of college? Fine, she can waitress or work in a bar in the evening. She can clean in the morning. She can work weekends, Saturday and Sunday. Do you live in a touristy spot? Seasonal work is here!

If, and I do mean if you were feeling generous and could afford it, you could offer to match her wages for 6 months, or top them up a bit as and when needed. Up to a certain point of course!

Having a shitty job as a teenager is a rite of passage. It gives you something to be thankful for when you get a better job.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. We don't live in a Disney world, relationships sometimes don't work out and at 19 she understands that and is being thoroughly nasty and manipulative.

You really need to give her a shit or get off wake up call and stop facilitating her ambivalence to join the real world.

My kids both know they either have to be in education or working, the eldest 2 are 15 and 10 and understand that's the way the world works. I presume your daughter does too and is just using the divorce malarkey to hang things out as long as she can.

We are still supporting our dd and she's 21, BUT she's at university and will be for another two years. However we don't support her during the summer holidays - she has to get a job. And she knows the day she finishes university will be he day the money stops.

If you carry on supporting her you won't do her any favours in the long run.

god no. It's time she grew up.

Stop allowing her to manipulate you. Cut off the money.

Yes, she will be VERY angry in the short term. Her free money is no more.

But in the long term, when she grows up, she will realise that it was the right thing to do.

If you DON'T do it, then you will be enabling her to remain like this forever and the more years she expects to be funded, the deeper it will be ingrained into her that it is her right.

THEN, oh my god, THEN you will have a problem!

I had a mortgage and a full time job by the time I was 19, I realise that we now live in different times but dd has a regular Saturday job and 2 other jobs that she works from time to time. Dd is 15. She buys all her own clothes, concert tickets, friends presents etc. I pay for anything to do school uniform, dance wear, lunches and food out and her oyster card, we averaged out what she spends totalled each week and came to a monthly figure. This will stop when she starts getting a more regular income.

Could you tell us what she has been studying for the last 3 years

I think a bit of tough love might be in order and an open discussion with your ex. Is he going to continue enabling her if you say no more money?

I agree with the above posters, but I also think that there needs to be a conversation about dd's lack of motivation and questions about what, if anything, she wants to do next. she sounds as though she might need less in the way of financial support and more practical ' you can do this' support. maybe she needs some career advice or help finding a first job or a work experience/ volunteer placement or some counselling.

I found it wasn't till I started work that I found out what it was I was good at and what I knew I didn't want to do as a career. Although sometimes life gets in the way. Some of the jobs I have worked as are, bank clerk, post woman, barmaid, data-processing clerk, market trader, hot dog vendor, sold antiques, sold houses, ebayer, landlord, property developer, audit clerk, made and sold garden ornaments, census collector, shop assistant, painter and decorator, worked in a post room at a large company, waitress, and extra work.

I think instead of uni she needs to jump into the job market and go from job to job till she finds what it is she wants to do as I think it maybe because she is thinking if she goes to uni it will be another 3 years of her life and she will be 22 and still have no idea what she wants to do.