To think people who cannot be bothered should eat last?

[PinkyBell]

On Sunday my family had a barbecue because my mum passed away and it was for her memory.
A few of my cousins didn't bother to turn up.
There was some food left over from the barbecue so we decided to bring it to another gathering we were having today (nothing to do with my mum) and the cousins who couldn't be bothered yesterday came to this.
We all went park and then to my aunts house.
Some of us got to the house before others included the two cousins who could not be bothered yesterday.
Me, my sister, my aunt were serving out our food when one of the cousins took a plate to serve herself.
Another one also took a plate for her, her daughter, her random friend and her child's dad.

My sister said that we all brought the food and it was from yesterday and the people who came yesterday should eat before them since they couldn't be bothered to turn up yesterday
The cousin said "but we are all family"
(Her random friend is not family nor is her child's dad)

Now she is saying my sister was being rude to her random friend and her but I completely agree with my sister.

We all brought meat ect and this particular cousin didn't bring nothing even herself!

Some of the people who were at my mums memory barbecue had to go buy burgers because these other people served themselves first and there wasn't enough food.

Who do you think is incorrect?

I'm sorry for your loss but I think YABU here. They will have seen no connection between the food from the BBQ the day before and this one. Your sister is of course also grieving but TBH was rude.

I felt decidedly uncomfortable reading your OP - but your update about partners not being included (hence your cousins didn't attend) is now simply bizarre. Who is controlling your family events and setting the rules? You or your sister?

Your cousins didn't attend the memorial BBQ because someone decided that their partners were not invited. That is NOT the same as 'they couldn't be bothered' as you said 3 times in your OP.

Were your cousins your Aunt's daughter's? If so, how dare you tell your Aunt who she should feed first.

Try to learn some rules of hosting an event and accept that the host(s) will always eat last to ensure that everyone else feels welcome and is fed first.

I am sorry for your loss - but grief doesn't give you the right to be rude to other guests and family. You cut your cousins out of the memorial BBQ and then tried to make them feel unwelcome at the 2nd family gathering. That is absolutely disgraceful behaviour and YOU and your sister ARE BOTH UNREASONABLE.

Never in my life have I heard of someone going to a funeral for a free feed. People will maybe bring someone for support but I'd seriously doubt anyone treating it as a social event. I think YWBU as hosts (about the food and not inviting partners) but I am sorry for your loss and can see why you might feel annoyed at them not coming to both.

I think some posters need reminding that they're replying to someone who has lost her mother. Some posts are unnecessarily harsh. By all means say she's BU but be kinder with it.

Whatever happened to empathy and compassion?

^not aimed at anyone in particular, just a general vibe.

Sorry for your loss.

Squabbling over left over food ? Really ? Is this what it's come to ? Jeez.

OK, grief messes with your head. But this ?

YABVVVU< both tot demand that cousins attend you BBQ, and to denigrate them to somehow being lesser guests today.

I hope you enjoyed your BBQ, and i am sorry for your loss. Your cousins were not obliged to attend though, and it is very strange to link attendance at a BBQ with respect for your mother! Or to link attendance at a BBQ with the order of eating the next day!

I think I kinda get it. You feel like they couldnt be bothered to turn up to something really important, don't apologise for not making it, and then reap the benefits the next day by grabbing the food you brought with you. I think there is a part of me that might feel the same. I wouldn't have said anything but I can imagine muttering "oh, I see our food is good enough for you NOW" and feeling a bit put out by it, but knowing my feelings were probably irrational and a bit unreasonable.

I'm sorry for your loss, it must have felt very upsetting that some family members didn't want to come and remember your mum with you all. I think grief effects everyone in different ways and it is understandable that your responses to things might be different at the moment.

Be kind to yourself OP xxx