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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think people who cannot be bothered should eat last?

58 replies

PinkyBell · 30/06/2015 21:07

On Sunday my family had a barbecue because my mum passed away and it was for her memory.
A few of my cousins didn't bother to turn up.
There was some food left over from the barbecue so we decided to bring it to another gathering we were having today (nothing to do with my mum) and the cousins who couldn't be bothered yesterday came to this.
We all went park and then to my aunts house.
Some of us got to the house before others included the two cousins who could not be bothered yesterday.
Me, my sister, my aunt were serving out our food when one of the cousins took a plate to serve herself.
Another one also took a plate for her, her daughter, her random friend and her child's dad.

My sister said that we all brought the food and it was from yesterday and the people who came yesterday should eat before them since they couldn't be bothered to turn up yesterday
The cousin said "but we are all family"
(Her random friend is not family nor is her child's dad)

Now she is saying my sister was being rude to her random friend and her but I completely agree with my sister.

We all brought meat ect and this particular cousin didn't bring nothing even herself!

Some of the people who were at my mums memory barbecue had to go buy burgers because these other people served themselves first and there wasn't enough food.

Who do you think is incorrect?

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkyBell · 30/06/2015 21:38

I'm not saying they weren't allowed any food, I just think they should of waited until the people who did pay for it had their share first.

It's like you buying food and everyone else eating it before you get a chance.
I'm not "weird" I'm grieving and pissed off,

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkyBell · 30/06/2015 21:39

I know what you mean Yorkgirl that's true

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 30/06/2015 21:39

Im sorro for your loss OP.

I do agree with others, i think your grief is clouding your judgement and you wanted to punish your cousins for not showing your mum's memory the respect you feel she deserves. Grief can manifest itself in odd ways and you may find yourself angry at things that actually arent issues at all. It is understandable but i do think you were BU this time.

HoldYerWhist · 30/06/2015 21:41

Why weren't partners allowed to go?

It all sounds odd to me. I'm sorry for your loss though.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 30/06/2015 21:43

So it wasn't that they "didn't bother to come" as you said many many times in your OP, it was that chose not to as you banned their partners from a family gathering? That isn't at all the same thing.
You have no idea how to treat guests.

Malenky · 30/06/2015 21:43

Very unreasonable but you've lost your mum, anyone is allowed to be a bit unreasonable when they are mourning someone close. YABU but sorry for your loss.

Jen1610 · 30/06/2015 21:46

I think because your sister is annoyed they didn't come yesterday she was lashing out by being controlling with the food from yesterday and yes I do think you were both bu.

I also find it strange that propels partners weren't invited yesterday because it was in your mum's house. To be honest, my husband is the closes person to me (besides my children) and if a family member dies, he is the one that supports me. Myself and him would be pretty upset if he wasn't invited to something like that. I probably wouldn't go either. I'd go to Yeh funeral where I imagine he'd be allowed to attend? So yes the BBQ with no partners allowed is unreasonable too.

Sorry for your loss.

Jen1610 · 30/06/2015 21:47

*people's partners, not propels!

youareallbonkers · 30/06/2015 21:47

You made your guests pay for the food at the BBQ? Utterly weird

kissmethere · 30/06/2015 21:51

Yabu, and petty.
They shouldn't have turned up empty handed though so that was rude of them.
You've made your own rules regarding the distribution of the food and they weren't in on it. It's the way I've seen things done before. We usually say kids and older people get served first and then we all get ours.

Klayden · 30/06/2015 21:57

If the BBQ guests paid for the food, did you offer them to take it home after the BBQ?

Aermingers · 30/06/2015 22:01

Do you mind me asking OP, how long ago did your Mum die?

IsItMeOr · 30/06/2015 22:23

Sorry for your loss PinkyBell.

However, if you arrange a weekend event that excludes partners, it's always going to be the case that some people will prioritise spending precious free time with the people who they regard as their immediate family.

It sounds as if your loss might be very recent. Even if not, it's certainly true that loss can make us have unusually strong (and sometimes unreasonable) reactions to other events. It's not really about the event, but about your loss, iyswim?

Hope you can put this one behind you now, and focus on some happier memories with your mum.

CrystalCove · 30/06/2015 22:29

Why weren't partners invited?

arethereanyleftatall · 30/06/2015 23:49

So, you took left over food from a BBQ to an event the next day, but there wasn't enough food at the BBQ so some guests had to go and buy some burgers? So, any left over food wasn't actually bought by you, but rather the guests who went to get surplus when your stocks ran out?
Anyway, it's bonkers to spread food out at a gathering, and then ban some people from eating it.

Fatmomma99 · 30/06/2015 23:58

I feel like I'm getting s/thing from your post that others haven't, and it's because I have lost a parent too.

I think that for your and your sister, the donation of food at the next event linked it to the last and to your recent loss.

Not only did people who weren't there take the food, they also haven't acknowledged your loss (am I right?) or celebrated or commemorated your parent.

If you've suffered a recent bereavement of a parent then for me, you ANBU, no matter how irrational you are, and people should cut you some slack.

MidniteScribbler · 01/07/2015 00:06

So there were two family functions in one weekend. One they could attend with their partners, and one that they couldn't. I'm not surprised most chose to come to the one they could attend with their partner. Two big family functions in one weekend is a lot for some people, they may actually have other things to do.

How was there leftover food if guests at the bbq had to go and buy extras because the food ran out?

I think you need a few lessons in hosting etiquette.

BabyFeets · 01/07/2015 00:07

I haven't met most of my family's partners and I certainly wouldn't want them in my mums house around her stuff if they didn't even know her. Perfectly reasonable, some people just stick to their partners like glue

SurlyCue · 01/07/2015 00:23

I think OP meant people at today's gathering had to go out and buy burgers as there wasnt enough food there, she says Becase the cousins ate it before the other guests. However there wouldnt have been enough food anyway regardless of who ate first. It wasnt the cousins' fault there wasnt enough food.

SurlyCue · 01/07/2015 00:29

Fwiw where i am, all sorts and everyone come to pay their respects at a wake or after a funeral. My grandmother has buried her husband and two adult children and has opened her house to everyone who came. This meant people she or the deceased had never met, colleagues/friends of siblings, partners or family members etc. it wouldnt be odd at all here to have complete strangers in your house eating your food under such circumstances. A memorial BBQ is of course different but i was just pointing out that it isnt all that odd to have "strangers" in the house in this way.

BabyFeets · 01/07/2015 00:33

But it's your grandma and grandpa house. It's just the mums house and she's passed. It's disrespectful to have strangers in the house, strangers who probably don't even care she has passed just want a plate of food and drink.

BabyFeets · 01/07/2015 00:39

When my brother passed, my cousin brought his mate to the wake along with his half brother who didn't even know my brother. Neither the friend or half brother said anything to me they just came to drink and get free food. Really peed me off so I can relate tbh

SurlyCue · 01/07/2015 00:44

It's disrespectful to have strangers in the house strangers who probably don't even care she has passed just want a plate of food and drink.

I totally disagree, especially the comment about people just wanting food and drink! Perhaps where you are thats how people behave. Its not my experience and it certainly wasnt disrespectful to have the people at my family members' wakes. Quite the opposite.

SurlyCue · 01/07/2015 00:48

In fact i dont know anyone who would just pop along to a memorial BBQ or wake just for the food! anyway, the people OP had banned from the house werent just tag along friends, they were partners of the deceased's nieces and nephews!

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/07/2015 00:51

I'm sorry for your loss. I don't think it's odd that you didn't invite partners to the BBQ. When my DF died, we had a few different gatherings. Some were just for my siblings and I; our cousins attended some and other events were like an open house. I can understand why you were upset that your cousins chose not to attend but then sent to the next event.
However, yabu about the food the next day. Your DSIS was rude. But I understand why you wanted to lash out at what you perceived as their lack of respect and consideration.

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